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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

421 replies

Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:25

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

OP posts:
Buffs · 23/08/2021 18:40

I did this. Got married quickly and quietly in a registry office and then treated some friends to a really good lunch. No way did I want a spectacle. It might be a little strange but I don’t think it’s rude. As another poster pointed out, you’ve been invited to the best , most expensive bit.

wednesdayweather · 23/08/2021 18:40

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

It's a bit weird but it's not like its a 50 person ceremony and only you're excluded, so i couldn't get worked up about it.

I'd be more annoyed about having to travel to the arse end of Scotland tbh

🤷‍♀️

This.
TatianaBis · 23/08/2021 18:40

It’s very odd to invite people all that way and not invite them to the ceremony. It being “their day” doesn’t change that. It’s other people’s day too - hanging around waiting for a ceremony to end they’re nfi to.

They’re not being that generous given that they’re not feeding their guests other than on the day of wedding itself.

Smacks of wedding they can’t really afford.

Beautiful3 · 23/08/2021 18:41

If she hadn't asked you for help in the morning only to be told to go away until the evening, I would have said it was fine. It's remote, miles from home and she has given you duties. Its very rude.

TatianaBis · 23/08/2021 18:41

It's more of a wedding notification and ha you're not invited.

😄

They can sit around and eat the cheese straws they brought with them in a Tupperware box.

Topsyturveymam · 23/08/2021 18:44

Maybe she just wants a very intimate marriage with vows then a fab party with everyone later you celebrate.
I don’t think it’s rude tbh. Just her choice. It’s a bit weird to have you there to help with the dress etc but perhaps she just wants support. Is she nervous? Maybe that’s why she only wants a few people there for the vows. I hated taking my views in front of loads of people - I would have much preferred a few people with us.

TatianaBis · 23/08/2021 18:45

Maybe she just wants a very intimate marriage with vows then a fab party with everyone later you celebrate.

Fine, so do that privately and invite people to a good party in the Highlands.

Budsaway · 23/08/2021 18:46

Ah I sympathise with her. We buggered off and got married with no family or friends because I just have no interest in being the centre of attention. I would have been really uncomfortable with the whole thing.

She clearly wants to have her closest friends involved though and it would appear that she is doing her best to have her friends involved but still have a more private intimate ceremony. I don't think it the help getting ready she wants more she loves you and wants you to be involved and this is the best way she knows how without having to be gawped at through the ceremony.

ivykaty44 · 23/08/2021 18:57

I’d say

Fine for you to have a family only wedding, I’ll stay home

rubbletrouble · 23/08/2021 19:04

I can't see why you would be getting worked up.

She's wants you at all the intimate friend things, the night before, the morning and her getting ready and the celebration afterwards, she obviously cares about you, a lot, to want you at those really intimate special bits.

It really wouldn't bother me so long as my friend was happy

RightYesButNo · 23/08/2021 19:07

I really think there’s some kind of tightness involved.

You’ve invited to stay, but she’s renting the whole place just because it’s really just a country house type deal, and she happens to have enough rooms for you and friend.

But she’s not allowing you to bring your signifiant others. She’s not providing a bar. She’s not providing any food or drink in this house except at the wedding itself so you have to carry in your own food and alcohol for all other times (it’s really just like you’re individuals all sharing an AirBnb on vacation).

So I would imagine somehow there must be some kind of charge for the ceremony (maybe the celebrant charges or she got some kind of package or something?) for up to X amount of people.

HollyStripes · 23/08/2021 19:12

so shes paying for you to stay in a stately home for 3 days, feeding you after the ceremony AND you get to miss the ceremony? Im jealous and she sounds like a legend.

Ddot · 23/08/2021 19:14

Your not paying so enjoy, sad but if that's what she wants what can you do

DingDongThongs · 23/08/2021 19:16

@TatianaBis

It's more of a wedding notification and ha you're not invited.

😄

They can sit around and eat the cheese straws they brought with them in a Tupperware box.

I think I'd rathe eat cheese straws. They are rather moorish...
DingDongThongs · 23/08/2021 19:17

@Ddot

Your not paying so enjoy, sad but if that's what she wants what can you do
so it's a free holiday. It's a weird set-up but the Scottish isles would have me going...
DingDongThongs · 23/08/2021 19:18

@Budsaway

Ah I sympathise with her. We buggered off and got married with no family or friends because I just have no interest in being the centre of attention. I would have been really uncomfortable with the whole thing.

She clearly wants to have her closest friends involved though and it would appear that she is doing her best to have her friends involved but still have a more private intimate ceremony. I don't think it the help getting ready she wants more she loves you and wants you to be involved and this is the best way she knows how without having to be gawped at through the ceremony.

I wanted to go to Gretna. I'm planning a Gretna vow renewal.
WombatChocolate · 23/08/2021 19:19

As long as the invitations make clear what people are invited to and communication is clear, I think this scenario is fine.

Bride has selected where to get married. She has chosen a venue which is remote, but she is providing accommodation for Op. sounds like the venue has limited space for the actual ceremony and more space for a reception/party.

It isn’t the case that all other or any other friends are going to the ceremony, it’s just family, so OP isn’t being excluded.

I agree that watching people actually get married is the best bit and actually the important bit, but I understand when venues have limited capacity and it seems fairly common now to invite people just to the reception and not the actual wedding itself. This is what’s going on here isn’t it.

Being asked to help the bride dress, or get involved in any other way, is a privilege in my view. Being actively involved in the wedding before and during by doing ‘jobs’, in my view makes you feel so much more than a guest and makes the whole thing more memorable. Usually it’s the good friends who get asked to do these things…you might not be a bridesmaid but it’s a sign of her friendship to you that she’s chosen you to have 5e accommodation and asked you to be invoked in helping her dress ….special moments. But if you just see it as her wanting unpaid labour and are offended by not being asked to the ceremony when no other friends are either, you obviously don’t see these things as I would.

I’ve been to weddings where I’ve been involved the full day before and morning of the wedding in helping dress the venue or arrange food. I’ve been to weddings which have been quite DIY and friends have stayed 3 hours after the bride and groom departed to do the clearing up. It’s been done gladly and been a happy and memorable time with friends, who are more than happy to help a good friend with their big day. It’s not all about just receiving a luxury day out.

Of course, you are always able to decline an invitation if the location or what’s on offer doesn’t suit you. Would seem a shame to miss out though.

Mirw · 23/08/2021 19:22

If you are going anyway, why ask the question...

DingDongThongs · 23/08/2021 19:22

It's not a Wedding Invite is it though - it's a weird form of stay here with me and you're partially invited to the cheap seats of my wedding but heck no will I pay for you to eat.

OP will send you the cheestraws and the tupperware x You're probably going to need wine too!

Kite22 · 23/08/2021 19:34

@Zhampagne - that is completely different though.
They are all absolutely sound reasons for having parties separate from the ceremony, but that isn't what this thread is about. This is about asking people to travel a long way away, and "help her get ready", then go off and read in their rooms or something for the most important par of the whole event. It is weird and rude.
If a B&G don't want anyone at their ceremony, but do want to have a meal or party with folk, then the normal thing to do is to invite people to the party, not to invite them, then tell them they can't attend the main bit in the middle, and then allow them back in again. That is what people are saying is weird.

If you don’t want anyone to watch you getting married, you have a small wedding ceremony . And then a separate party / reception with your 70 guests.
This ^

I agree with this : if it were in their home town there would be no inconvenience but expecting people to travel to the highlands for three days and not invite them to the ceremony is rude.

Wedding ceremonies are boring, let’s face it. Can you say you have ever really enjoyed one (apart from your own)?

Yes, I love a wedding service. It is the most important part of the day as far as I am concerned. It would be easier to list the odd one I didn't enjoy (which weren't ones I was a guest at, but ones I was volunteering to help at).

Me too @PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

@Buffs - That is a completely different scenario though. You didn't invite 22 friends to come away with you for 3 nights in the middle of nowhere, ask them to help you get ready and then tell them to go twiddle their thumbs whilst you got married. What you did is normal for people who don't want a fuss.

Justploddingon · 23/08/2021 19:37

Sounds like she wants no fuss and attention but wants her friends around for the celebrations after. I don't think its rude at all.

Zhampagne · 23/08/2021 19:39

@Kite22 I agree with you - I was responding to a pp who doubted that many ‘weddings’ are parties celebrating a marriage which has happened on another day.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 23/08/2021 19:41

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

Don't they have to be open to the public? So you can speak up at the "does anyone here present...?" bit?
Yes, wedding ceremonies and funerals are public occasions.
saraclara · 23/08/2021 19:42

@silverstrawberry

That would make me feel used I would probably re evaluate the whole friendship if I was asked that
Oh for goodness' sake. Someone else's wedding is not about you.
Lennybenny · 23/08/2021 19:55

@RightYesButNo

I really think there’s some kind of tightness involved.

You’ve invited to stay, but she’s renting the whole place just because it’s really just a country house type deal, and she happens to have enough rooms for you and friend.

But she’s not allowing you to bring your signifiant others. She’s not providing a bar. She’s not providing any food or drink in this house except at the wedding itself so you have to carry in your own food and alcohol for all other times (it’s really just like you’re individuals all sharing an AirBnb on vacation).

So I would imagine somehow there must be some kind of charge for the ceremony (maybe the celebrant charges or she got some kind of package or something?) for up to X amount of people.

This....