To think I’m weird about my son?

[3ormorecharactersss]

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

It definitely sounds like you have some PND/anxiety that would highly recommend d you seek urgent help with. Wanting to spend a lot of time with a baby/child is completely normal. Feeling panic/worry of the kind you’re describing is not rational and also can tend to spiral. It sounds like you would benefit a lot from CBT type talking therapy to work to change the negative thoughts. Catastrophisizing is what you’re doing (I probably spelled that wrong) and CBT will likely help a lot.

You can usually self refer for talking therapy & will be prioritized as a relatively new parent.

Hes only nine months. That's fine

If he was 12, itd be weird. The baby phase doesnt last long

Do whatever makes you happy

...and still people aren't reading OP's posts properly, and totally missing the bit where she says she's anxious and panicky.

This isn't a thread about people wanting her to leave her baby with them. This is an OP from someone who instinctively knows that her feelings aren't right. They're not about enjoying every minute wiith the baby, they're about catastrophising and anxiety, and she doesn't want to feel that way.

Telling her not to listen to anyone who doesn't say 'this is absolutely normal' is doing her no favours. She wants to feel more relaxed and less anxious and needs advice on how to get to that point.

OP - the suggestion of self-referral for anxiety talking therapy is a good one. But I suspect the waiting list will be phenomenal due to Covid messing with so many people's mental health. So talking to your GP is a good option. If you have a GP at your practice who's a mum, so much the better. There seem to be quite a few P/T GP mums around here. Mine is amazing.

I don’t get the not working thing? If he was at nursery, why would you be at home thinking about him all day? Wouldn’t you be at work?

If you loved your career before then that seems an enormous change to never want to go back?

I’d start with a walk round the block whilst he is with DH and take it from there.

Posters are wilfully ignoring op posts or just immersed in talking about themselves
Her partner is worried about op, she doesn’t disclose true extent of her feelings to him. She masks and minimises to appear ok when she is not
Fortunately she’s agreed to see the GP
Most Posters are so busy cheerfully recalling when they had a baby that they’ve missed the actual point

@EspressoDoubleShot

Posters are wilfully ignoring op posts or just immersed in talking about themselves Her partner is worried about op, she doesn’t disclose true extent of her feelings to him. She masks and minimises to appear ok when she is not Fortunately she’s agreed to see the GP Most Posters are so busy cheerfully recalling when they had a baby that they’ve missed the actual point

Exactly.

I'm going to talk about my own experience (sorry @EspressoDoubleShot) but I think its relevant to your situation!
Breastfeeding brings with it some hormonal issues! The feelings that the hormones stir up can be very strong and overwhelming at times- nature is telling you that the most important thing in your life right now is keeping that baby alive, at all costs, and you can become fairly obsessive about it. This is normal, by all accounts. This is how animals in the wild are compelled to carry on feeding their offspring, its a product of evolution and mankind wouldnt have survived without these instincts. I've never been a very emotional person but would burst into floods of tears at the thought of not being there to feed my child or comfort them while I was still breastfeeding. I did all the night feeds alone, every 2 hours for months, without complaint or even slight bad feeling about it, even though my feminist side might have been aghast at that
Giving up was hard. Mentally and emotionally very challenging. However, within 2 weeks of giving up breastfeeding I felt so differently about everything! I was so much more relaxed and pragmatic and I could tell this was the hormones ebbing away from me like the emotional ups and downs of the menstrual cycle. The hormones really do cast a love spell on you while they're still present, but I think that's a positive thing. I'm not for one second suggesting you give up BF. Carry on and enjoy it until whenever you want to. If it's becoming knackering and you feel depressed about it then think about giving up then. Don't worry too much about the anxiety. Plus dad can absolutely develop a great bond with you around in the same building, he doesn't need to be left alone for hours on end with the baby, this really won't increase their bond.
Don't let anyone come between you and your breastfed baby if you're happy to spend your time with them. If you want a break take as long as you need to. Do what feels right for you and your baby, your feelings are normal and natural OP. You do not need to induce separation anxiety in order to "get over it" It's not a face your fears type situation!

Right now, it is not so much of an issue, and yes, motherhood can grab us this way. However, you do need to think about beginning to spend time away from him, a couple of hours here and there, building up to half-days, then days. You need to learn that you can leave him safely and then come back, and he needs to learn that you will come back. You don't want him clinging and screaming with fear (or resentful and avoiding you) later on.

Only you and your child can decide when to stop breast feeding. A sudden change could be traumatic for both of you. As long as you are healthy and happy, there is no need to change. However, if you have not slept in months and are ill because of it, then you need to plan more sharing with your DH, and maybe other family, so you can sleep more. Otherwise, don't let family interfere with their considerate opinions. Your life. your baby. Some children breastfeed for years.

I can't relate, sorry. I loved it when mine were taken out for a walk. I finally felt like I could breathe!
I daresay that how you're feeling is more 'normal' though. Whatever that means, as we're all different.

@BrownEyedSquirrel

Sorry but your approach sounds incredibly intense. I work in a school with several children who have extremely severe allergies. They are well attended to, and it doesn't mean they should stay home forever!

I agree with @Spottysausagedogs that breastfeeding hormones have a lot to do with how you are feeling. In my experience, they can also make you feel a bit flat and depressed further down the track (like 18 months - two, not nine months), especially if you don't get your cycle back for a long time. None of which made me stop breastfeeding until my children wanted to.

Please don't be guilted about your DH potentially feeling left out or not bonding. Being a good partner and father to a breastfeeding mum and bub means doing everything to support the physical and mental well being of the pair, together. If that's giving you a break because you ask for it fine, but it could equally be doing a very unfair share of the cooking, cleaning etc to allow you to spend more time with your baby not less. There will be plenty of time for him to bond with your son when you have your next baby

I see lots of people on MN saying they were desperate to get back to their awesome careers a matter of weeks or months after birth and that this was the perfect solution for them and their babies. I don't seem to meet these mums socially. And I definitely don't meet these mums in my own sell-your-soul-and-all-your-waking-hours career in professional services... nearly all the mums of under threes are miserable about how much they miss their babies and many of them still leave despite massively improved flexibility in the decade since I had my first.

You do you, OP. Stay with your baby for as long as you want to and practically can afford to. Women can and do make good careers after longer breaks, I have once already and am considering another change after number 3.

@EspressoDoubleShot

Posters are wilfully ignoring op posts or just immersed in talking about themselves Her partner is worried about op, she doesn’t disclose true extent of her feelings to him. She masks and minimises to appear ok when she is not Fortunately she’s agreed to see the GP Most Posters are so busy cheerfully recalling when they had a baby that they’ve missed the actual point

I agree. I'm so pleased the OP has agreed to seek help. It could have been so easy to brush off her worries as normal, after so many posters have commented without acknowleging her anxiety.

Mine were all much older before I left them for very long. They went everywhere with me.
Oldest did spend a couple hours with his grandmother quite early on, second was gone 12 months and I went back to work part time, last one was by my side till 4
We didn't have family anywhere near by the time baby2 came along to just me and Dh for years and some friends.

@saraclara

...and still people aren't reading OP's posts properly, and totally missing the bit where she says she's anxious and panicky.

This isn't a thread about people wanting her to leave her baby with them. This is an OP from someone who instinctively knows that her feelings aren't right. They're not about enjoying every minute wiith the baby, they're about catastrophising and anxiety, and she doesn't want to feel that way.

Telling her not to listen to anyone who doesn't say 'this is absolutely normal' is doing her no favours. She wants to feel more relaxed and less anxious and needs advice on how to get to that point.

OP - the suggestion of self-referral for anxiety talking therapy is a good one. But I suspect the waiting list will be phenomenal due to Covid messing with so many people's mental health. So talking to your GP is a good option. If you have a GP at your practice who's a mum, so much the better. There seem to be quite a few P/T GP mums around here. Mine is amazing.

Just a heads up for anyone else reading: if you have a local NHS IAPT team you can self refer. If you’re pregnant or your baby is under a year old you skip the waiting list entirely and get seen straight away.

@ChaBishkoot

You have quite a while to go but start thinking about why the thought of him being upset triggers this response. Sometimes even very small children need to be told ‘no’ or for instance might have to wait for 10 mins before being attended to. I am not suggesting any discipline for a nine month old. But I am suggesting that you think long term as well as short term.

• yes independence is fostered by making a baby feel secure. (I had a very ‘independent’ baby and a very clingy one so I have seen both ends of the spectrum)
• but before that step is accepting that babies will get upset and sometimes that’s okay. You cannot constantly make him happy, cater to every need and trying to do so is not healthy for you or him.

I have a friend who is a wonderful mum. She’s patient and kind, way more patient than I am. You know when your kid wants to play that boring game for the 100th time and you have had a long day, and just made a cup of tea and want 5 mins. I’m the parent who would say no, in 15 mins or just no, not now. She would always say yes. I really really admire that.
BUT on the other hand, she also finds it really hard when her kids are upset. So the older one is a bit spoilt and her 15 month old gets quite aggressive but she never even chastises her gently or says ‘no we don’t hit’ because then her 15 month old lets out ear splitting shrieks. And she (my friend) frankly gets more upset than her toddler does at this. To me it’s almost like her maternal instinct is always on hyper alert to the point that it overrides her other instincts which must say to her: it’s fine if she yells, but I need her not to hit babies at playgroup.

So for me the two things that you might want to think about (not today or tomorrow but in the long arc that is parenting) is letting your DH in a bit more and also what happens when you do have to upset your child and how YOU will cope with that.

Excellent post.

I was a bit like this with DC1, couldn't bear him being upset. But I've relaxed a bit with DC2. It is a lot less stressful when you accept that sometimes they'll cry and it's ok.

"I worry that he will want to feed or want me and will be really upset if I’m not there. The idea of him being upset really stresses me out and I hate the idea that he might feel upset without me to comfort him."

I do understand how you feel OP, because I've felt the same, but I think it would be good for both of you if you could try leaving him with DH sometimes for short periods, just so you can get used to the idea of someone else being able to comfort him.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with your baby but if you do actually need a break (or need to go to work, or just do things like get your haircut, go to medical appointments etc) it would be a good idea to work towards being able to do it without feeling anxious and panicky.

I remember feeling the same, and I don't think I left my DD for a whole day until she was 1 when I went back to work. She went to a childminder 2 days a week and grandparents looked after her 1 day, she was fine and so was I. But yes I remember feeling overwhelmed by how much I loved her and wanted to be with her all the time.

@ElfinsMum For balance not all working mums of babies & under 3 are miserable some are but also some mums are miserable and unhappy at home
It’s not always then huge emotional trauma to work. Return to work doesn’t render you a money pursuing careerist
Just as staying home doesn’t make you satisfied or a happy or fulfilled

In the immediate here and now, op needs to see her GP get some support. That’s the priority

Finally for some women going back to work is helpful and does add a external balance and a routine that they don’t get being home. Work also can be helpful in that it gives one an opportunity to have another role in addition to solely being mum

[quote EspressoDoubleShot]**@ElfinsMum* For balance not all working mums of babies & under 3 are miserable* some are but also some mums are miserable and unhappy at home
It’s not always then huge emotional trauma to work. Return to work doesn’t render you a money pursuing careerist
Just as staying home doesn’t make you satisfied or a happy or fulfilled

In the immediate here and now, op needs to see her GP get some support. That’s the priority

Finally for some women going back to work is helpful and does add a external balance and a routine that they don’t get being home. Work also can be helpful in that it gives one an opportunity to have another role in addition to solely being mum[/quote]
I struggle with this attitude some people have where women (always women) are assumed to be beyond devastated about returning to work, wistfully imagining themselves at home with their kids instead, only working cos they have to while their heart wants to stay at home. It’s just sexist cliches. The vast majority of women I know who went back to work were excited to do so and valued what work brought to their lives. I had a long maternity leave but was raring to get back to it by the end, excited for my child to be able to have new experiences and socialise at nursery, and overall felt quite a bit less stressed and harassed working part time and being with DC the rest of the time than I did being at home full time.

Just a heads up for anyone else reading: if you have a local NHS IAPT team you can self refer. If you’re pregnant or your baby is under a year old you skip the waiting list entirely and get seen straight away.

@mnmumak thank you. I didn't know that, but of course, it makes perfect sense, and I'm glad that's how it works. I hope OP can make use of it.

Hi @3ormorecharactersss. This sounds like an predicament.

I wonder whether we need to look not at you, but at your environment here.

Maybe there is a reason you feel this protectiveness. Maybe it is instinctual (which doesnt mean that it cant be addressed) and based on messages you're subconsciously taking in as a mother from the world around you.

Does your house/flat feel safe? Do the people around you feel safe? Maybe do a safety assessment of the built and social environment. If it's all fine, then maybe that will help too with telling your rational brain that.

At this stage I would not want to tell you to ignore your instinct; women are told that far too often. Perhaps have a look at external reasons why you could be feeling unwilling to hand the baby over. Maybe you can do a couple of things to make your surroundings more safe?

Some of it may also come from the fact that currently you are the BEST at looking after baby. You just are cos you're the mum and have done it more at this stage. But if you want to have more of an independent time and have the dad take more work/responsibility, which is good for every one of you, you will have to force yourself (little by little and carefully) to let him take the time to learn how to do it as well as you, which will take time but be worth it. It sounds like you have taken everything onto you right now.

Good luck

It sounds lovely. Trust me, there will come a day when you will want time away from him, but until that day comes. Enjoy it 😀