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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m weird about my son?

364 replies

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 15:38

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

OP posts:
sylv165 · 23/08/2021 19:10

I was like this with my first. Even after I went back to work I was quite obsessed, spending my day wondering what she was doing, worrying that she might be upset. Most of all I worried that by leaving her I would somehow destroy our bond, she would forget all about me, prefer her childminder/DH/DGPs over me. It wasn't healthy for me at all, I had lost all perspective and kind of lost myself at the same time.

That's not to say this is unhealthy for you though, everyone raises their children in their own way and there are very few rights or wrongs. I think it depends on how you feel about things. If you genuinely don't want to leave your baby because you feel that is best for you both and are comfortable with that, that is totally fine and normal. If, however, you are not leaving them purely because of the anxiety you feel about it, then that is more of an issue.

Emmylouisa · 23/08/2021 19:10

I agree wholeheartedly with HareHare. Enjoy your precious son

ThorsLeftNut · 23/08/2021 19:11

I’m shocked at how many people think it’s unhealthy that a mother doesn’t feel comfortable being away from her child.
My son is two and the only time he has been left was when I was in labour with my second.

He’s healthy, I’m healthy. What a surprise.

Thehop · 23/08/2021 19:12

Totally normal

Xxx

maybloss2 · 23/08/2021 19:14

Hi op, i think you may have some anxiety around leaving your son, because your partner hasn’t yet had sole care of him for any length of time - he is his fathers child too!
I understand the feeling that no one else knows his needs like you do and that feeling of being so besotted that you’re happy just to be with him.
I was like this with my first, I thought it was idyllic that she had such devoted parenting but the exclusive relationship actually created some issues later on, particularly with her relationship with her dad.
There are a couple of things worth thinking about- should you suddenly be required through illness or accident to leave him with someone else then both you and he will be unhappy and worried. Far better to have some practise at being separate before it’s really needed.
And for you, it’s good to be reminded that you are not just a mum however much you’re enjoying it! I wonder if you are in fact worried that you’re not good enough as a mum?
Give yourself a big hug and enjoy it as much as you can, but maybe allow others to share that enjoyment too?
Bests

BestZebbie · 23/08/2021 19:15

I think that is pretty normal (provided your DH gets time with him without you sometimes) - I got told I was too clingy/overpossessive with my PFB DS for the first year...and then too distant/unloving a few years later on when he had a couple of reciprocal sleepovers with nursery friends. He is fine. I am fine. Other people are sometimes judgy (or merely have different preferences).

Whinge · 23/08/2021 19:17

I’m shocked at how many people think it’s unhealthy that a mother doesn’t feel comfortable being away from her child.

But from the OP has said it's more than being uncomfortable. She feels anxious, panicky and worried her son will feel abandonded. I think the Op is doing the right thing by discussing her worries with her partner, and keeping an eye on how anxiety is a sensible idea.

sotiredofthislonelylife · 23/08/2021 19:19

It’s obviously your choice, but how would it be if you suddenly needed to be away from your little one? He would be really upset, and so would you.
Personally, I think that it’s better if a baby/young child is happy to be looked after by a family member or friend, just in case the worst happens and you need to go into hospital.

Tigger1895 · 23/08/2021 19:21

I understand how you feel but it’ll only get harder for the child to be left with someone else in the future. I’ve learned from experience and as hard as it is now you both suffer in the long term.

Martiti · 23/08/2021 19:26

Oh my goodness to all of these ‘mothers’ I hope that some of you mentioning independence here are not mothers; as you should well know that only a confident child and a secure child will be independent later on in life, and what better way to provide that than with all around care and love from the being who made them in their body.
I mean, am just shocked at some of these comments about breastfeeding as well! What is wrong with breastfeeding at 9 mths!!!!! Would u rather give them a synthetic milk of a cow! That’s not how nature intended things to be.
The WHO advises to breastfeed until the age 2 so please keep your “processional” opinions on breastfeeding to yourselves. Gosh. Those women lucky to be able to breastfeed should until they see fit not until someone thinks it’s too much.
Also there’s Nothing wrong with feeling love for your baby.
I didn’t want to be separated from my baby at all in the first year or so and we coslept and I breastfeed until he was 2,5. He is the most outgoing, confident child in his class.
I guess some women are just more maternal than others, and no one should be judging that.

Sallybates · 23/08/2021 19:26

My boy is now 43 and a fully fledged man- military, abroad etc.
However I remember with great fondness the love I unexpectedly experienced at 8 months. Enjoy it! He will grow up, you’ll have to let him go and be proud of him.

Earthling1994 · 23/08/2021 19:26

That’s not weird at all, in fact it’s very normal not to want to be away from him for while a while yet :)
You only need a break if you want one. A lot of people mean well by trying to make you have a break, however a lot of mums simply don’t want a break and trying to force one on them is more stressful. I wasn’t ready to leave my son until he was around 2. He was breastfed until 3.5 years, worn in a carrier until the same age and we bed shared for a long time.
He’s very independent and has always been happy to go to nursery etc because we have such a secure attachment

VaguelyInteresting · 23/08/2021 19:35

@Martiti

Oh I think that’s a bit unkind. Please see my post upthread for a different perspective. I too BF to 2 and coslept - still do cosleep in fact, at almost 5. I’ve surprised all of my friends and family by how very maternal I’ve turned out to be.

But anxiety about leaving your child isn’t always a sign of a healthy attachment, particularly if the anxiety is the leading motivator, rather than simply wanting to be with your baby. It’s the difference between .... watching your children playing on a climbing frame because you’re convinced of you don’t they’ll fall and be seriously injured, and watching them because you take joy in their play/being with them. Of course parenting is usually a mixture of the two, day to day but when that balance slides more towards fear, it can signpost things like postpartum anxiety. It’s not about telling OP she loves her baby too much, or shouldn’t want to be with the baby- just to make sure she’s not being driven by anxiety, for her own sake.

France79 · 23/08/2021 19:37

It’s totally normal and the main reason the human race has been able to continue :)

Martiti · 23/08/2021 19:44

@ VaguelyInteresting

Hi, I think it’s very unkind that some of the comments are suggesting that the OP baby won’t be independent just because she feels she wants to spend all the time with him.
I mean, won’t that just add on to the OP anxiety. I think those comments are totally out of order.

As for mental health aspect, of course anxiety where you feel you are unable to function on daily basis should be talked about.

But I don’t see which one of my comments were unkind, comparison to the comments only possibly adding onto the OP anxiety about later independence…. Not to mention all the comments about breastfeeding….

Spyro1234 · 23/08/2021 19:47

It's normal and you sound like you have strong maternal instinct! That is wonderful for your baby. Ignore anyone telling you you need 'time apart'.

I wasn't separated from my 13 month old at all during the first year and she is so assured, confident and secure. Being with your baby is what nature intended and we are moving away from that in modern life.
You sound like a lovely mum!

Mum21031608 · 23/08/2021 19:48

The first time I was away from my first born (also breast fed) was when he was 9 months old m. Although it was only for 4 hours and he was with my husband, I still a hated it.

Nothing wrong with how you feel at all.

Martiti · 23/08/2021 19:53

Separation does not equal independence.

DoucheCanoe · 23/08/2021 20:01

@Martiti, you say that people shouldn't judge whilst throwing shade at people who don't do things your way.

Needing to be by your child's side 24/7 doesn't make you any more maternal than someone who is comfortable using childcare or having overnights with relatives.

Also, breastfeeding might be "how nature intended" but again - it doesn't mean that those who don't/can't are any less of a Mother!

The OP has asked other Mums for their experiences and the fact that she is doubting herself and/or feeling genuine anxiety about leaving the baby for an hour or so with his other parent. That could be a sign of PND or anxiety that's worth mentioning to the GP.

Musmerian · 23/08/2021 20:04

OP - I was exactly like this with my DD who was my first. Totally fell in love, EBF and fed for 16 months- didn’t leave her at all for the first year. Do what feels right for you. I was much more gung ho with two and three. I also didn’t go back to work with my first until she was two . Enjoy it and trust your instincts- it won’t be like this for ever.

rubbletrouble · 23/08/2021 20:05

I didn't want to be away from our son. All that tosh about, "you need a break" no, not everyone does and it's perfectly fine to want to be with your baby. I wasn't maternal and it hit me quite hard just how much you feel for this little piece of us.

I think if you are anxious and worried, then yes speak with your husband. But please don't let anyone make you feel like you are weird , controlling, obsessive, over protective or any other thing some people like to say about wanting to be with your baby and that also counts as they get a little older before going to school, if you want to be with them, be with them.

rubbletrouble · 23/08/2021 20:06

Our son is 4 and has never stayed a night without us.
Never been in a day out without us

We bloody love it.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/08/2021 20:10

Quite normal IMO. I didn’t leave either of mine for any length of time until they were (say) around 2, and then it’d only be a few hours with a granny. Exception was for the occasional trusted babysitter in the evening, but only when I I knew dds were highly unlikely to wake up.

I just didn’t want to, or feel the need. However some people do really feel the need of a break - you do what suits you, and don’t let anyone tell you you should be doing something different,

WaitingForNormality · 23/08/2021 20:15

I think it probably really differs depending on the person.

I was happy to go out for an evening with DH and leave my first with my parents from week 5 - but that would be unusually early for some people (we were only gone 3 hours max). I've not left my second with anyone except Dh yet but that's partly because we've not been out anywhere so haven't needed childcare! I'm more than happy to hand him over to dh for several hours though!

Yea, when out you do miss them and spend ages chatting about them and stuff.... but tbh it feels bloody liberating being out as just "you" again.

Do you have any time away from him regularly at all? Eg. Go fro a run or something alone?

aworldofourown · 23/08/2021 20:18

Everyone's different, parent differently. My sister and I had our first borns few months apart. She was very much the panic mum, wouldn't couldn't leave baby with anyone as she worried too much, baby will miss her etc. If we went out she would call to check on her child a million times, whereas with me I would be a lot more relaxed, not worried, perfectly happy that I've left baby in good care.
She will comfort her child from the smallest of falls, and overthink that her child may seriously be hurt when that is absolutely not the case. I let mine fall over and not over react to it as I know children will fall over, it's not the end of the world, they will only cry more the bigger deal you make of it