Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m weird about my son?

364 replies

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 15:38

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 23/08/2021 11:33

@3ormorecharactersss sorry, my saying the badge of honour thing wasn't aimed at you btw. It was clear you'd just used the wrong terminology. I have seen others use it as some kind of badge of honour.

greendiva · 23/08/2021 17:32

Normal for you and your child, don't worry, if it's causing you anxiety maybe try and gradually increase time apart, but if it's just other people interfering and you do want a break ignore! You're doing great 😊

Fluffmum · 23/08/2021 17:36

It’s a hormone thing. You’ll be glad of a babysitter when he’s about18 months

Carpedimum · 23/08/2021 17:49

It’s a long time ago now, but I remember the intensity of the overwhelming love I felt for my baby. I wasn’t expecting it either, I even asked my HV about it “why didn’t you tell us that it would feel like this in Parenting?” & she said “because sadly not everyone feels the love”. The level of love doesn’t abate, but you will eventually be able to be a bit more relaxed, for now don’t feel guilty, just enjoy it. I breast fed for nearly 3 years.

H007 · 23/08/2021 17:49

You need another child.

Lucyk1 · 23/08/2021 17:53

I was the same. Didn't want kids... Ended up with a son and I was exactly the way toy exaplined. I gave up my career after maternity... Didn't want to be apart from him and until he was 3 we spent every second together. I didn't let him out my sight, didn't let him stay with anyone but me, never had anytime to myself and even at night I'd have him sleep in my bed. The day he went to nursery, I cried so hard and felt sad but at the same time I knew it was for the best, for him to play around children and have fun. That tiny bit of freedom over time I got used to. I mean, he's 6 now... At school and he still sleeps in my bed 😂... Still not had a night off.

It's not weird. Totally OK. Do what suits you! After all.... He won't be a little boy one day!!

cherish123 · 23/08/2021 18:09

I was a bit like that too.

Tessabelle74 · 23/08/2021 18:10

Totally normal, especially as your BF. Hand him over when YOU'RE ready, it may not feel like it, but once he's on the move I guarantee you'll appreciate the break

Summersnake · 23/08/2021 18:12

I was exactly the same with all my 4 ,for longer age wise than yours is
They are all adults now ,2 have left home ,the others will as well .but I had lots of comments saying I was too clingy ..nah ,it’s what babies need ,it’s how they feel secure

ERFFER · 23/08/2021 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

username5786 · 23/08/2021 18:14

It's a hard one OP I had quite a similar situation to you especially with my first. DD breastfed and refused to ever take a bottle. I became very anxious leaving her as I was worried she would want a feed and only I could do that. I suppose the question is do you want some time to yourself if yes perhaps build it up gradually with your DH. I waited until DD was 12 months as I knew then she didn't necessarily need a breastfeed and ate solids fairly well. She also started nursery just one day a week. I think you need to decide if you are happy with the way it is and not because others are telling you it's righty or wrong.

I completely disagree with many comments on here about you not teaching your DC independence though. I find it very sad that we are told it's not healthy to be with our babies all the time. Imagine telling that to a gorilla/many animals. I think it is natural to want to be with your DC. I just think some of us seem to have the old cave man instincts in us more than others.

DD is now 4 and is a very independent daddies girl! I was told in order to learn independence they must learn dependence (probably not worded that correctly) but I think it is so true. It's the idea that to be truely independent they must feel secure in their relationships and know we are there for them. My upbringing was radically different to my DD basically my parents went away quite often/ I was left in my own bedroom at night from a very young age/controlled crying. Not criticising my parents they just did what they thought was right/normal at that time. However i felt it did have an affect on me I was very clingy and often had irrational fears that they would leave me. I hated nursery/school up until the age of 6/7. I am certainly not saying that leaving your DC for an afternoon will have such an effect. I'm just trying to point out being apart is not what creates independence.

Mummabear89 · 23/08/2021 18:15

Very normal. I was like this with all of my children. I didn't want to go back to work after maternity leave. Sadly we couldn't afford for me to be a SAHM. I have a 6 month old at the moment and I refuse point blank to leave them with anyone other than my DH and even then its only if I can't take them with me ie hospital appointments

MumofSpud · 23/08/2021 18:16

I had a friend like this - she didn't do any chores / shopping / household stuff during the day either - she waited until the baby was asleep at night - so he would have her undivided attention during the day.

I would worry that if / when yours dies go to school / nursery etc he will cope just fine and you will be a wreck!

footprintsintheslow · 23/08/2021 18:18

No I don't think this is odd at all. You sound like a great mam and as they get older you'll feel differently in time. If you don't by the time they are 35 seek help.

I felt this way until my child turned 3. You be you and ignore everyone else.

Stars2theside · 23/08/2021 18:24

This is not odd at all, I went through exactly the same thing OP!!
Don't let anyone tell you what you need.
My exDP told me, "you need to cut the apron strings!!" When our EBF, not taking bottles DD was 3 months old...... Stupid prick!
Anyhoooo! DD is 7 now and only last year did I spend a night away from her. I have since spent a grand total of 10 nights away from her, and we're just fine. She's very independent too, so it hasn't caused any "attachment issues" although that phrase irritates the hell out of me, they're your children, and while they are still children, they should most definitely be "attached"!!!!
You do what you think is best for you and your child. Stand firm Flowers

Subbaxeo · 23/08/2021 18:25

You sound as if you’re having a lovely experience with your son, so enjoy it while you can. Don’t feel guilty about loving the intimacy and closeness, being around for him won’t be damaging to him. Just tell people you’re happy, you don’t need a break etc. Not everyone feels like this, many are happy to leave with carers etc and that works for them-nothing wrong with it. But do what works for you and enjoy your time.

Sxxyfing · 23/08/2021 18:26

My little girl is 13 months and I still don't like leaving her! I know she's fine and she's happy with my husband or my mum but I feel I'm missing out on time with her! I did start leaving her for a few hours from about 10 months as I dropped down to 2 breastfeeds a day which made it easier and since her first birthday I've left her for afternoons/evenings while I've been out with friends and she's home with my husband and I feel fine about it now. I think due to the pandemic I never had to be away from her for her first 6 months so it made it harder to leave her! How you feel is normal and it's not natural for babies to be away from their mums so it's totally understandable but just give yourself time and don't feel you have to leave your baby for the sake of it, when your ready and you need to you will know the time is right x

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 23/08/2021 18:30

It’s totally normal.

KaccyH · 23/08/2021 18:48

I completely get where you're coming from. I think it must be a first time mum thing. My daughter is now 19 months and I only leave her to go to work and for the occasional visit to the shops. This is mainly due to my need to control everything after a very challenging birth. Even if your birth was smooth I think the whole launch into parenthood is really traumatic and a shock for some people and it takes time and patience to get used to it. Its taken me 19 months but last week I finally had an evening out with DP. He allowed me to control every aspect of the evening and this really helped to keep my anxiety in check. Give it time. No it's not normal or healthy but you're doing the best you can based on the way you feel right now. Don't stress about it, it'll come.

CutePanda · 23/08/2021 18:51

Stop being controlling and possessive. The baby isn’t just yours. The DC belongs to your DH too.

FreeBritnee · 23/08/2021 19:00

Completely normal. My kids are now eight and five and they’ve never been looked after by a babysitter. I’ve only missed a handful of bedtimes in their entire lives. I am their main caregiver abd will be until they’re old enough to not need me anymore.

Jacqueline2708 · 23/08/2021 19:02

Go with your own instincts and don't be dictated to. 9 months is a clingy age but it passes. My youngest son is now 23 but at 8 months I moved house and left him with his gran, he was inconsolable and after two hours I had to pick him up anyway, I did regret leaving him.

Emmylouisa · 23/08/2021 19:03

No you are not weird. These are normal motherly feelings and you shouldnt listen to anyone who challenges you about it.

HareHare · 23/08/2021 19:05

Some of the replies on here are hilarious you would think he was much older. At 9 months he is still very young. He does not need to be independent yet. You are doing the best for him. Modern Parenting pushes children into separating very early most children survive that but life is more than survival and you are doing a good job your feelings are natural there is plenty of time for him to spend time away from you. It may be that the pandemic has meant you have a very strong bond. That’s not a negative. He is of an age where he needs social interaction but that does not need to be away from you. Enjoy this special time with you. He will want to be doing his own thing soon enough

moita · 23/08/2021 19:08

It goes so quickly OP. Just enjoy if. My PFB is off to school next week. Wish I could go back to him being 9 months Sad