To think I’m weird about my son?

[3ormorecharactersss]

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

Yanbu. Typical of a first time Mum I'd say.

It's fine not to leave him with other people, however, your husband is a different matter entirely.

There's a difference between not wanting to be away from him because you'd just prefer to spend your time with him and not wanting to be away from him because the thought makes you "fill with panic". I'm curious about why everyone says you need a proper break? Is it really everyone or just one or two people? Are you sleeping ok and doing fun things that you enjoy? Are you and your partner able to be alone together and do couple things? Is there any chance you are neglecting yourself? If you, your partner and your baby are all happy and relaxed then keep on doing it your way.

Not weird at all. All these commenters have probably forgotten what having a new baby is like. If you are lucky enough not to have to go back yo work soon enjoy the time with him. They grow up fast. I took over a year for all my maternity leaves and spent pretty much 24/7 with my babies. Breastfeeding, co sleeping, sling wearing etc. they started going to nursery and having sleepovers with grandparents age 1ish as they do some childcare. With my first this was really tough at first but fine with my second. Even now I’m back at work I want to spend all my time with them. I adore them and I feel really sorry for people who are forced into sending their tiny babies into childcare so they can work. The American model is horrific 😭

Not weird at all! My firstborn stayed overnight at nanny's when he was 6 months old, so we could go to a friends. I put him to bed at hers and went to get him the next morning, straight after breakfast. He was 15 months before he went with daddy to see his family and I joined him 24 hrs later. Was the same with my little girl for a year.
They are now 2 & 4 and I will happily give them to anyone safe who is willing to take them!!! 😂😂

I only left my DC then aged three overnight because of life situation. Otherwise I wouldn’t have.

I think with all my DC I’ve not left any of them overnight before age two.

They’re all fine and healthy and happy and secure and I’ve let my older ones go off to university without clinging wailing to their leg trying to stop them leaving me.

I think it’s fine personally not wanting to be away from your little baby, the one you’ve been carrying around for nine months and feeling protective of them. I’d say it was pretty normal.

Hi I never suggested that women who don’t breastfeed are less of a Mother. Why would you read it that way. I said that those who don’t shouldn’t tell mothers who do, that it’s odd to breastfeed at 9 months.

I never said that I don’t agree with ppl who don’t do things my way.

I said, that there are mothers who are more maternal than others and there’s nothing wrong with either. Just a different perspective and feeling. Same as some women are more career driven than others.

I think maybe I didn’t make myself clear, what I meant is that women like the Op who are more maternal maybe getting advice on here from women who are more career driven, hence they are suggesting to her that she’s doing things wrong. By breastfeeding at 9 mths and feeling overwhelming love for the baby.
Am suggesting that those comments saying she is doing things wrong are coming from more career driven women. Or perhaps women who are not mothers themselves, I was just shocked at how many comments were saying there was something wrong with the way she felt for her baby.
Very unhelpful.

Of course anxiety is a sign of PND, but these comments I read on here haven’t offered any kind words or direction for the OP, in case it might be PND.

Take no notice of what others say. He's your DC so you do what's best for you and him, not others. I loved being with my DC and never wanted a 'break'

These are totally normal feelings to have. And everyone in my NCT felt the same so ignore anyone who says it's weird. These are primal instincts designed to keep your baby safe. Just build it up slowly leaving him as and when you feel ready. That way when you return to work or need to leave him longer it won't feel such a wrench. I never thought I'd get to a point where I'd be happy to hand my DC over at nursery but when they're older and happy to go it's a lot easier.

I think you are being very sensible about it. You are self aware and looking at the situation analytically. It wouldnt surprise me if you have a touch of anxiety, it can jump up and pounce on you when you really dont expect it to.

The thing about anxiety is that the best way to fight it is exposure therapy. That means that you regularly and frequently do the thing that makes you anxious. By stepping into the flames (so to speak) you expose yourself to the dreaded issue and then when nothing bad happens (or only something a teeny bit bad) you eventually overcome it.

Here is the other part of exposure therapy, it works very well if you use it like scaffolding. You start very small and every few days add a little bit more and before you know it you have the whole structure (problem) sorted.

So what one small part of this could you tackle tomorrow…maybe commit to going for a half hour walk every evening when DH is home and normally DS would be starting to get a bit grumbly? Then once you are not getting panicked at doing that, what can you add?

The other thing I would suggest you look at is feeding ds to sleep every time. Your job as a parent is to help your child be able to face the world confidently on their own. Being able to happily and healthily fall asleep on their own is part of that. Again this is not something that happens in 1 week when they reach the magic aged of 8 weeks, its something you help them build towards like the way you help them learn their alphabet before you give them a book to read. I think it would be wise to sit down with DH and talk about your strategy for getting DS into a healthy happy self settling sleep routine by the time he is 1 (ish). How will you build up to it? What techniques can you research so that you know what you want to do when you feel the time is right etc etc

Lastly I would take yourself to the GP for an annual physical. There are loads of hormones and body chemistry levels that often go out of whack after childbirth and lots of them impact mood and energy. At a minimum you should get a complete blood count, thyroid function (including antibodies) B12, iron and ferretin, Vit D and Magnesium.

I was exactly the same with first born. Second one, was happy to hand over to anyone who would help! It’s a learning curve!

With one of mine I returned to fulltime work when baby was 8 months old. The night before I was lying on the bed with them sobbing and apologising for leaving them.

30 years later I have calmed down.

9 months is still very little, if you still feel like this in 10 years it might be an issue but for now it will be fine. Enjoy him.

OP, I haven't RTFT. However, I would have personally eviscerated anyone who said I should hand my DS (PFB) over to them when he was 9 months old. And I wasn't even breastfeeding.

I was a bit more relaxed about subsequent DC, if that helps.

DS is now 20 and I still fret more about him than about the others.

Not weird at all. I was like this with both my babies, especially my first.

I don’t see anything wrong with this. It’ll pass as he gets older and more independent and robust.

I hardly ever left DS with anyone else until he was 13 months and I had to go back to work.

It shouldn't be the case that you allow your husband an amount of time to be with his own child.

I don't think it's massively unusual and also Covid stuff definitely exacerbates it. Personally, i would force myself to go out here and there, maybe start a class or exercise or something that will take you out of the house regularly for an hour or so. I've always had running, which has kept me sane. I have felt something like this but was determined to wean from BF at 12-13 mo for both mine (including recently) and, although bittersweet, I do think it helps with the angsty-emotional ties.

@Bluntness100

Well he’s only nine months so hopefully you calm down. I think you recognize there is an issue, and you need to make sure as he gets bigger that you let him develop independence and spend time with others so he can cope with school

Why’s he being exclusively breast fed though at nine months? Why haven’t you started weaning, is he unwell?

@Bluntness100 is that last part really any of your business?

Doesn’t sound unusual to me at all. I was never apart from my baby for more than an hour until she started part time at nursery at 12 months old. I carried on 2-3 breastfeeds per 24 hours until she was 17 months. She is now 18 months and has never been left with anyone except myself or DP. Really not sure when I will feel able to have a babysitter but there is no rush. She has gradually gained independence but still has clingy phases. All pretty normal.

It's not unusual at all.

I exclusively breastfed till mine were seven months they just weren’t interested in food before then.

It’s carried on breastfeeding my younger ones till two years old because they wanted to and I could.

@3ormorecharactersss

Good morning all. Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

About the ‘EBF’ thing - sorry, I didn’t get the terminology right, I was simply trying to point out that he didn’t have formula/pumped milk. This isn’t because I ‘use it as a badge of honour’ @shouldistop, because we tried a bottle but due to an undiagnosed severe tongue tie he would never take one, even after it was revised. I didn’t include solids because they’re so unreliable. He isn’t ‘gobbling down meat and veg’ like @museumum said hers was, he loves porridge one day and hates it the next. He’s just not that big on solids yet, he has other priorities I suppose, all babies are different. But I only mentioned it to highlight that breastfeeding is still really important which I think is quite significant to why I feel the way I do, but apologies if I made a mistake about the terminology.

Thank you to everyone for their responses. I’m going to chat to DH today about my worries and about getting more time away from DS. As I said before, they have a great relationship and DS is comfortable with other people. I am not concerned about those two at all, DS is happy to see other people/be held etc. He’s clingy at the moment yes, but as I said uptheead he’s clingy with DH too and will choose him over me sometimes, and me over him over others, so I’m not concerned about that at all, it’s me that I am worried about! I’ll build up some more time apart, see how I feel if watch myself. I’ll talk to my GP (don’t like my HV!) if something seems off. But not going to spend whole days apart as I don’t want to to be honest. But more time to do more stuff for me would be good so I don’t lose myself. Thanks again all. Xx

You could use it as a badge of honour if you wanted to! You're his mother, none of these other women are, therefore YOU decide how he's fe! Also, be proud of yourself for BFing, it's very difficult and exhausting .

Also, regarding him not crying when you leave the room and he's with DH. Even if he did cry, that's totally normal! My DS does this, and he's just as attached to his father as he is to me as we both WFH and spend as much time with him as eachother.

Be kind to yourself, please! Motherhood is so hard, especially at the beginning and you need to acknowledge this. Bottom line is that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal and healthy. You'll get there in your own time. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but I promise you that you will. I was the same, I couldn't leave DS with anyone other than DP for more than 20 minutes, I used to count to minutes in the shower until I got out to see him again (we were living with PIL at the time).

I'm fine now, he's 1 and goes to his grandparents for sleepovers 😊 you may take longer to get there, but I promise you that you will get there. Just give it time, and be patient with yourself ❤

OP, I should add that the same child went to boarding school at 13, so I must at some point have decided that he could be looked after by someone other than me. That said, he is still my precious little shiny star (even though he's now 20).

I think that what you are feeling is completely normal.

@Bluntness100 , you're not blunt, you're rude and a bit mean spirited.

Op it's entirely normal to breastfeed for longer. Don't worry about people who make shitty remarks about it-they're normally defensive, and they don't matter.

FInal word from me, OP. They are little for such a short time that there is no hurry to detach yourself from him. You will have acres of time to yourself once he is older and has flown the nest. Don't be in any hurry now. If you are not forced to leave him, then there's no reason to do so (unless you want to).