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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift

379 replies

summersending · 22/08/2021 10:43

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300 Shock

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really Sad

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 22/08/2021 10:53

Can you sell on some of the vouchers to someone who would enjoy it? Maybe keep enough to have one or two treatments so that you can say you used them.

namechangeuniq · 22/08/2021 10:55

Is it far from where you live? You could say you can't afford the time/money to make the journey, or that due to Covid you feel uneasy still. However, your best bet is to be as upfront as possible. Maybe say you would love to do something together instead?

GingerBrod · 22/08/2021 10:55

"Thank you for the vouchers, you're very kind. However, I cannot accept a gift this expensive,b it's inappropriate. Please get a refund."

...is it possible that he was pressured into buying those by any chance?

Griefmonster · 22/08/2021 10:59

Don't over think it.

Do you mean there's nothing you can stand to do or it's just not your thing? If latter then just give something a bash and move on with your life. Say thank you and take someone with you so you can half how much you need to spend on yourself.

If it is something you are completely opposed to doing then give them to someone else.

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 11:00

Can he afford £300?

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 11:02

Can you use them to spend for you to go together?

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 11:28

Not really - he wants ME to use them.

Not far away but I’m back at work next week after maternity leave and I really can’t be bothered using precious free time doing something I’ve no real interest in.

I did think about selling them … argghh.

I don’t even know if they are refundable and he would be so hurt that the thoughtful gift is unwanted but when I think of the things I actually want for £300 …

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 11:31

I think you'll have to speak to him then.

bellabasset · 22/08/2021 11:39

I would phone the health place as a potential purchaser of gift vouchers and ask if you bought some as a gift that weren't wanted could you get a refund?

Griefmonster · 22/08/2021 11:42

Don't fall in to the trap of "if only". He didn't give you £300 cash. He gave you this. Deal in reality.

Use it or don't. Don't extrapolate meaning from a simple gesture of generosity.

(Unless you think he was missold. A PP made a good point about whether he might have been taken advantage of by the place. If it is completely out of character for him to spend that much then no harm in checking with him "did you know it is £300? That seems a lot of money for a gift of this kind."

My experience of people with ASD is that you need to be clear and specific. No nuance or subtext. Just be straight. )

Griefmonster · 22/08/2021 11:44

These vouchers usually have a long time to use them don't they. Why the hurry to use them now? Use them in 6 months.

VainAbigail · 22/08/2021 11:56

I’d say sell them but eitherway be careful how you explain to him what you’ve done because if you fib and say you’ve used them and enjoyed the experience, you’re likely to receive them again!

HurryUpAndWait23 · 22/08/2021 12:06

@GingerBrod

"Thank you for the vouchers, you're very kind. However, I cannot accept a gift this expensive,b it's inappropriate. Please get a refund."

...is it possible that he was pressured into buying those by any chance?

Please don't say this if you don't want to hurt him.
RandomMess · 22/08/2021 12:14

Did he like the sort of thing they offer?

Could you invite him along with you to have separate treatments at the some time?

What do they offer as some things probably aren't as strange/weird as you think. Any sort of massage or reflexology is just lovely to take time out an relax tbh.

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:28

They don’t do massages. It’s all acupuncture and so on. Nothing I can see that’s just relaxing and enjoyable.

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:32

Do they sell products or have a restaurant you could go to a few times?

RandomMess · 22/08/2021 12:34

Acupuncture is fab for pain tbh.

What else do they offer?

Seems a weird offering from what little you've said.

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:36

A restaurant?!

I’m a cynic. I think he wants me to have the acupuncture but I’m just not sure about all of this. It’s one hell of a lot of money that will literally not bring me any pleasure at all and in fact a fuck of a lot of inconvenience and I feel mildly annoyed at that and even more annoyed with myself that I didn’t just say NO I think it’s a load of bull.

But I doubt he’d have listened

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:37

Well yeah some spas and lidos have restaurants

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:38

Oh I see - no it’s just an alternative health centre

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:40

Reflexology? That's basically a weird foot massage?

2pinkginsplease · 22/08/2021 12:40

Do they do reiki? I was sceptical about it but omg it was so relaxing! Will definitely go again.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 22/08/2021 12:41

Well the only correct response to a gift is 'thank you.'

I'd find time to have a treatment over the next six months or so, sell the balance if I didn't like it and tell him afterwards that it was a lovely treat but you didn't enjoy it enough to do it again (so that he doesn't buy more!)

RandomMess · 22/08/2021 12:41

Acupuncture does work but only if you need something treating 😂

Due to relocating I've had to use a few different osteopaths and the ones that also use acupuncture are just amazing! It tells your neurological system "Hello see this tightness here - get on and sort it out"

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:42

I’m really just a bit cynical. Obviously a lot of people enjoy these things, that’s why the centre exists. But I don’t want people tapping my head or offering me counselling or whacking my knuckles with a hammer.

I’m back to work very soon. I will have precious free time as it is.

This is why it’s such a horrible position. Either they go to waste, or I have to use them for something I really don’t want.

OP posts:
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