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Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift

379 replies

summersending · 22/08/2021 10:43

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300 Shock

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really Sad

OP posts:
Bagamoyo1 · 22/08/2021 14:23

I would have a look at the clinic and see if there was anything I could do once that I would have any remote interest in, then do it once, and try to get vouchers back for the balance. If there was nothing I could face, then I’d do nothing.
I would then try and sell the voucher on, even if only for half the price.

I assume your relative can afford this money, and it would be hurtful to give the voucher back, so I certainly wouldn’t do that. He thinks he’s given you a great present, he’s happy about that, he’ll never know the truth, so leave him feeling happy.

I get where you’re coming from OP. As a working parent of a baby, you really don’t have the time to waste doing stuff you don’t enjoy.

Fromage · 22/08/2021 14:23

I am with you OP - partly because this gift is my idea of time badly wasted and partly because I have a bug bear about gifts and “help” that you don’t want or need, or that end up giving you a bloody job to do. (Rant over)

I would donate them to a charity raffle.

I would contact whatever woo factory the vouchers are for and find our of they are refundable, and then maybe consider telling your relative that you’ve had a chat with the high priestess and also your consultants and you’ve been medically advised against sitting in a mud bath while a naked octogenarian strikes a bong and mutters incantations, as simultaneously a man dressed as a pixie puts a dustbin lid on your head and gently wipes it with mewing kitten (I have no idea what goes on in these places and I have had far too much caffeine today)

Anyway, then you give your relative the option of getting a refund (if possible) or if that can’t be done, ask them how to donate them to the charity of his choice.

Yes he will be upset, but that’s not your responsibility. I’m sure if you do say anything you will do so kindly and gently.

HyggeTygge · 22/08/2021 14:24

I've seen it all now, insisting someone goes for acupuncture against their wishes otherwise you love the Taliban Grin

Bet the same people are the first to say "it's an invitation, not a summons" to a mildly inconvenient wedding invitation.

Pilates is actually good but not really something you just do once, normally you'd commit to lessons.

You have been very clear that this is not something you would enjoy spending time on. Perhaps some of these posters could offer to buy your vouchers?

Tombero · 22/08/2021 14:25

I had acupuncture for a spinal problem as part of my nhs treatment. It really isn’t a woo thing.

Pilates is also very reputable, it did wonders for my pelvic floor.

You clearly want nothing to do with the place, but it’s not exactly way out treatments on offer there.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 22/08/2021 14:27

Fromage you got me with mewing kitten, here have some Wine to tame your caffine. 😂

OP, sometime you have to upset people. Just bin it and if he finds out, come back and we'll dig you out of that pit then! 🤷🏻‍♀️💐

pigeonpies · 22/08/2021 14:28

@knittingaddict

Hardship is Afghanistan right now

Get some perspective FFS

Oh the irony of bringing Afghanistan into this thread about a women being steered into doing something a man wants her to do against her own wishes.

He's not trying to rape her. It's deeply offensive that you're even aligning the two things

I mentioned as an example of what true hardship is like for woman living in hell right now. A way to gain some perspective.

This is not comparable to being given a voucher. The worlds gone fucking mad if you think this is the same ball park

OP, I mean no offence I really don't. Just don't use the voucher if you don't want to, nobody is trying to force you. He's not trying to force you.

tectonicplates · 22/08/2021 14:28

OP have you had a good look through their list of available treatments, in case there's something you've missed?

Otherwise, if it really isn't for you, I wonder if they have some kind of bursary/lost cost funding thing for people who really could benefit from these treatments but can't afford them. It might be possible for you to donate the voucher to that.

romdowa · 22/08/2021 14:29

I get acupuncture from my physio In the hospital for pelvic girdle pain. It's no longer really "alternative" lots of medical practitioners are using it. I've had it in the last for several issues and I've found it amazing for pain. Nothing will cure a slipped disk but some respite from the pain can be a blessing but I get the feeling that something else is going on here in the background.

Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 14:29

Ok… not your thing. Give it to someone who cares about this (of you can) and tell your relative that it was a great present. You stretched your comfort levels m. 3’etc and found it left you feeling
Cold, wet and slimy. The KMzmn bbnn bb b be kkjj

MargosKaftan · 22/08/2021 14:33

Right OP- step one: call woo health place. Explain that a relative who has ASD and therefore doesn't always make the best decisions has bought you a voucher for their spa. For various reasons, you can use this voucher and are worried they have wasted their money, is it possible to arrange a refund back to your relative? Lay it on thick about them not being NT.

If they will refund back to your relative, you call him and explain while you are very grateful, due to not having enough time to go due to baby, you have asked them to refund him. That it was very kind, but you physically won't be able to use the vouchers before they run out and you didn't want to waste his money. If he would like to get you a gift in the future, for thr next few years, please avoid experiences as you don't have lots of child free time to do them. Lie a bit and say it would have been a great present pre-baby.

If they won't refund, see if you can sell them on, local Facebook groups might be best. You could call him and tell him this is what you are going to do as you can't use them. Use same "no time/childcare" script not "this is a shit gift".

Also if you are going for the resale option you might be worth looking to see if there's a Facebook group for acupuncture in your local area. Post it for sale on there.

knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 14:34

No pigeonpies you bought up Afghanistan. I wouldn't even have thought to compare the two and I certainly wasn't comparing the op's situation to rape. How dare you imply that. You started with the Afghanistan reference. It is an irony that you seem to think op should do what this man wants and ignore her own wishes. Do you not understand that.

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:36

@pigeonpies you are really getting on my nerves now and I don’t mind admitting that.

No one is saying he is trying to rape me Hmm

What we are saying is that as women a lot of the time we are railroaded into doing things we don’t want to in order to be ‘nice.’ At one extreme of that is the sort of regime loved by the taliban, where women have no rights and no powers.

Clearly that isn’t happening here but there is something rather uncomfortable in shut up woman, do what this (man) wants you to, at least you’re not in Afghanistan iyswim.

But I am pretty pissed off at that being brought onto my thread. It has no relevance at all. This is a genuine sort of dilemma where I have no wish to hurt a vulnerable person but equally don’t want to use the gift.

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/08/2021 14:37

OP have you had a good look through their list of available treatments, in case there's something you've missed?

Do they have a rather splendid cafe that also takes the vouchers?!

knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 14:38

Op Wine Cake Flowers (all the things he might have bought you for your birthday). Grin

Blossomtoes · 22/08/2021 14:39

when I think of the things I actually want for £300 …

Those things aren’t on offer though. Go and have some treatments. You never know, you might enjoy it.

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:40

And to address a few points here.

My slipped disc mostly does not bother me. It has flared up recently as my baby has got bigger and harder to lug around Smile

There are two things which help. One is movement, gentle movement. The more I move around the better.

The other is water. Baths, showers, swimming, all help massively.

So let me break this down to the ‘it will do you no harm’ people. I go out on a Saturday or Sunday and never mind that I’m not seeing my baby or partner then after a week at work.

I sit in the car to get there. I probably sit in a waiting room. I have the treatment. I drive back. Not once but for £300 worth of stuff. That was why my reaction when the gift vouchers came was tbh absolute bloody horror.

It isn’t just the money. It’s TIME. Come on, this is Mumsnet. Surely you know how precious time is when you have little children?

OP posts:
Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:41

Lay it on thick about them not being NT. please don't do this unless you genuinely think it might be why they made this decision.

knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 14:41

Yes op, go ahead and ignore your own wishes so that you don't upset the Man (and all the alternative therapy users on this thread).

Geauxtigers · 22/08/2021 14:42

My god. I can't believe you have a slipped disc and are turning down free acupuncture which could actually make your life a whole lot better. You don't feel the needles in acupuncture and its offered on the NHS for certain conditions so it's not some crystal healing tripe.
Imo you're just thinking of what you'd do with £300. But you haven't been given 300 pounds. Just be honest and say with the baby you wouldn't have the time to use them

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:42

Is Afghanistan going to be bought into every single thread now?

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:42

The irony is @knittingaddict I made some lovely suggestions - all under £50 and all of which I’d have LOVED.

I need new shoes to go back to work in, I’d have loved a new work bag, I would have liked a family photo shoot. Then the usual makeup, perfume …

Sob.

At any rate it is quite correct that they were not on offer but this really is a complete pain in the arse. Literally!

OP posts:
pigeonpies · 22/08/2021 14:43

[quote summersending]@pigeonpies you are really getting on my nerves now and I don’t mind admitting that.

No one is saying he is trying to rape me Hmm

What we are saying is that as women a lot of the time we are railroaded into doing things we don’t want to in order to be ‘nice.’ At one extreme of that is the sort of regime loved by the taliban, where women have no rights and no powers.

Clearly that isn’t happening here but there is something rather uncomfortable in shut up woman, do what this (man) wants you to, at least you’re not in Afghanistan iyswim.

But I am pretty pissed off at that being brought onto my thread. It has no relevance at all. This is a genuine sort of dilemma where I have no wish to hurt a vulnerable person but equally don’t want to use the gift.[/quote]
Then don't use the gift. That's what I'm saying

Nobody is trying to force you. Just don't use it.

I assume the gift was given with good intentions, not a decisive way to control you.

You hold the power here, just don't use it.

It's your own internal voice that's telling you you need the give him some sort of justification or excuse. This is the misogyny you were referring to. This is only significant because you feel pressured in to justifying your reasons. Like fuck would a man have this dilemma if a woman got him a voucher

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:43

@Geauxtigers

My god. I can't believe you have a slipped disc and are turning down free acupuncture which could actually make your life a whole lot better. You don't feel the needles in acupuncture and its offered on the NHS for certain conditions so it's not some crystal healing tripe. Imo you're just thinking of what you'd do with £300. But you haven't been given 300 pounds. Just be honest and say with the baby you wouldn't have the time to use them
OP doesn't want acupuncture.why is everyone trying to make her. Luckily she has a choice!
pigeonpies · 22/08/2021 14:44

@knittingaddict

No pigeonpies you bought up Afghanistan. I wouldn't even have thought to compare the two and I certainly wasn't comparing the op's situation to rape. How dare you imply that. You started with the Afghanistan reference. It is an irony that you seem to think op should do what this man wants and ignore her own wishes. Do you not understand that.
Again I've never she should do what he wants. I'd never tell another woman that.

I'm saying the opposite. She should not use the voucher and that be the end of it

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:44

When I first slipped my disc I had so many things I was told to do. I did them. Pain makes a woman desperate. I will come to that later. They all made sod all difference. Time, movement, water.

I would possibly have more truck with it if acupuncture for infertility wasn’t also offered. As I’ve said, pain makes people desperate and not all pain is physical. Yes I am a cynic but I don’t like it.

OP posts:
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