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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift

379 replies

summersending · 22/08/2021 10:43

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300 Shock

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really Sad

OP posts:
Shedbuilder · 22/08/2021 13:52

I don't believe in it and only had it to satisfy a friend's insistence that a couple of sessions of cranial osteopathy would do me good, but it's gentle and relaxing and you don't have to take your clothes off or do anything except lie there while they massage your head very gently. If I had a couple of vouchers that I needed to use as a matter of honour and honesty, I'd have another couple of sessions of that and also Reflexology — quite nice to have your feet massaged. Shiatsu is also another relaxing therapy and you keep your clothes on. (Not that I'm obsessed with keeping my clothes on, but I'm trying to think of the quickest, least intrusive therapies they might offer.) Reiki involves no touching at all. You just lie there and they wave their hands around over you. The problem is keeping a straight face through all the mumbo jumbo. I'm sure all these therapies leave many people feeling better: it's the placebo effect, the attention, the opportunity to lie down during the day in a calm atmosphere and relax.

If none of those were available or I couldn't bring myself to go at all, I'd give the vouchers to people I know who'd love it or I'd approach my local asylum seekers organisation or even maybe Women's Aid or similar. If the service users couldn't use them, maybe the staff could.

NoSquirrels · 22/08/2021 13:53

OK, see relative won’t be using them.

See if a mate wants to come - for a laugh if nothing else?

Otherwise just let it go. You haven’t wasted £300 and it’s the thought that counts, right? (You didn’t like the thought, but no one is hurt by it)

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 13:53

Believe me talking to someone at length about my slipped disc will not change it. Nor will whacking my head, hitting myself with hammers or whatever.

The best thing for bad backs is to move as much as possible.

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 13:55

I don't see why people are trying to coach you into telling a relative they've been inappropriate, why? He's trying to help you heal and willing to go to expense to do it, I think that's really kind.

He hasn't asked OP if it's something they'd like to try. Just decided she should try it to 'heal' her. I've been through similar and whilst it might be well meaning it does get draining having people trying to fix you and not think about what you might like to try.

Leftphalange · 22/08/2021 14:00

I don't think 1 afternoon to be open minded to something that might actually help is that much of a bother, to at least try. I'm sure they also offer other treatments too, and not just acupuncture or being hit with a hammer. If you don't want it just give it to someone else or don't use it.

LagunaBubbles · 22/08/2021 14:01

Do you normally get £300 gifts from family?

Tal45 · 22/08/2021 14:02

Right so he knows you've got a slipped disc I'm guessing and so thinks this is the perfect gift for you to try to make it better. That's pretty thoughtful IMO even if it's not really your thing. Why not phone them up, tell them you have a slipped disc and ask if they have anything they recommend might help. Then go and see if it helps, I understand you're cynical but on what basis? If you've never tried it? Osteopathy is common practice now and acupuncture is sometimes also available on the NHS as are other complimentary therapies so it's not all woowoo. Why not just give it a go?

HummingBeeBox · 22/08/2021 14:03

Phone the centre and see if they are refundable. If not, pass them on. Can you gift them to someone? Or sell them. Try not to get hung up on the money, get what you can and spend it on something else. No harm done.

Maybe check in with him re the amount, make sure he realised he spent £300.

Don't feel guilty. It is your gift and you can do as you please with it. If he asks just say you went and had some massages or something.

pigeonpies · 22/08/2021 14:03

@summersending

Tbh yes it is a hardship.

It is my free time. I will have precious little of it. So I don’t want to spend it doing something that I’m so cynical about - sorry.

Hardship is Afghanistan right now

Get some perspective FFS

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:05

Do you normally get £300 gifts from family

No

It isn’t one afternoon though. £300 worth of treatment is one fuck of a lot of afternoons.

If I worked very part time or was a SAHM and / or had lots of available childcare it would be different. None of those things apply. I will be at work Monday to Friday. So that means cutting into one of my precious weekends.

I’m not annoyed with relative. Bit exasperated. But I’m really annoyed with myself for not being firmer. I genuinely had no idea he was going to spend this much!

OP posts:
Pilatesteacheruk · 22/08/2021 14:05

You do realise that acupuncture is a proven treatment and not woo or mumbo jumbo? A short course of sessions can be very effective at easing all manner of issues.

Leftphalange · 22/08/2021 14:06

I mean one afternoon to try it at least isn't that much of a hardship

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:07

The situation in Afghanistan is terrible.

It also has absolutely nothing to do with me or my life. Bringing it up on here as a way to keep me quiet won’t work. This is my problem and dilemma and I am trying to work out the best way to deal with it.

Zipping my trap shut and doing something I don’t want to do to keep someone else happy will not only not help the women in Afghanistan, it is also part of the problem we should all be united in trying to stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:07

No @Pilatesteacheruk but forgive me as your username suggests you have a dog in the race as it were.

I do not have any objections to anybody enjoying it. I personally do not.

OP posts:
Moonwatcher1234 · 22/08/2021 14:08

Give it a go OP…either you won’t enjoy it and it will have been an experience in life or you’ll love it!

Franklyfrost · 22/08/2021 14:08

Call up the centre and ask their advice. They might be able to help you sell them or be able to order in something you could buy from one of their stockists.

kindlyensure · 22/08/2021 14:08

Can you go with some friends and treat them too?

That way, you can get rid of the treatments all in one afternoon, you'll spend time with the friends you wanted to spend time with that you couldn't because you had to fit this in and then go for lunch/coffee with them after?

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:08

It's your body, your choice so I don't know why everyone is telling you to have a try

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/08/2021 14:09

Could he know someone that works there and they gave him a good deal, thus the amount and seemlingly random choice?

I wondered that too. Might it be that the vouchers have a 'face value' saying that they are 'worth' £300, but they actually run a kind of DFS operation, whereby stated prices are always massively 'hiked' and then magically 'reduced' - but only if you 'buy now to avoid missing this amazing offer'?

For all we know, their business model could even be like those dodgy 'you've won a photo shoot' ones, whereby they sell you '£300 worth' of vouchers for a knock-down price and then give you the extremely hard sell to spend loads once they have you in their clutches.

In fact, are you actually certain that he bought them at all? Could he have won them in a raffle or something? You wouldn't normally spend £300 on somebody unless you were so close to them (spouse/parent etc.) that you knew for a fact what they would love to be given - and even then, you'd tend to double-check first. The flexibility of vouchers especially, where you can usually choose to spend as much as you think appropriate - how did he arrive at £300?

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:09

They might sell their aromatherapy oils? But that's a lot of oil.

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:10

@Moonwatcher1234

Give it a go OP…either you won’t enjoy it and it will have been an experience in life or you’ll love it!
She doesn't want to
Heliachi · 22/08/2021 14:10

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knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 14:12

It's obvious from your posts that it's something you don't like and he does. He knows that? If he knew this then I think it's a bit controlling to be honest.

I wouldn't like that at all. I'm not at all new agey or into alternative therapies and would hate anything like this.

I would love a hot air balloon ride and this would be my husband's worst nightmare. No way would I buy him a balloon ride as a gift for him. That would be totally unreasonable. This seems similar to me.

CallieOpie · 22/08/2021 14:12

You can always say that you really appreciate the gesture and generosity, but that you are concerned about trying the treatments offered because you understand that sometimes they can help with slipped disc, but sometimes alternative treatments can also make things worse and that's not something you can afford to risk right now with return to work etc.

(FWIW I use shiatsu very happily but had a clear worsening of my health condition after acupuncture - it really is impossible to know in advance how it will affect you. A lot of that might depend on how good the actual therapist is but sometimes it's just luck of the draw I think)

entropynow · 22/08/2021 14:12

@Alternista
You seem very determined to be rigidly negative about this, are you generally in a good place? End of maternity/ back to work is a hard time. Maybe he’s picked up that you seem a bit low?

Or maybe OP understands that these "treatments" are a load of overpriced woo rubbish? Honestly, saying she must be in a bad mental place to not want to try this tripe is a right cheek.

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