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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift

379 replies

summersending · 22/08/2021 10:43

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300 Shock

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really Sad

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 22/08/2021 13:11

I do understand your skepticism about these things, I’m quite similar, but having been given an expensive gift voucher I would probably give it a go rather than waste it. I remember having newborns and any time to myself was a treat. I would drag a friend along for the afternoon and give it a try.

TheSandgroper · 22/08/2021 13:14

If you have a look here, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4112286-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-5

you might find a bit of insight.

Couchbettato · 22/08/2021 13:18

I feel like you need to say something to him, because if he thinks you've used them he might just buy more!

I can see this; years down the line he's still buying you what he thinks is the perfect gift and resentment just building..

Amillionnc · 22/08/2021 13:22

How upset would he be and would it damage your relationship if you told him it’s not something you would enjoy? If you accept he may think great you love it and will keep on getting you gifts like that. Can you let him the types of things you do like, so may be he can exchange it?

gratedbeetroot · 22/08/2021 13:25

Could he know someone that works there and they gave him a good deal, thus the amount and seemlingly random choice?

I’d use the vouchers gradually, as it sounds like you went along with it in the end on the phone call. You might even enjoy the treatments if you go with an open mind.

It sounds like he might not have given you that amount if it were cash, so I’d stop thinking about what you would do with cash of that amount.

Dogoodfeelgood · 22/08/2021 13:25

Acupuncture can be amazing. I’m sure they do other treatments. As long as he can afford it I wouldn’t worry. If you’re concerned it would cause him financial hardship then that’s a different story.

And it’s a relative not a romantic interest so it’s not like accepting this gift will have any repercussions in that way, which is usually why you’d refuse the gift.

As long as he can afford it I’d say go along and find a treatment you like!

randomusernameagain · 22/08/2021 13:30

Maybe phone and say ‘Wow, are you sure you meant to give me this much? It's quite a lot, and very generous,
? I feel a little guilty accepting it. Maybe we could go for a lunch together instead? It would be more than enough and I would love to catch up.’

OneToThree · 22/08/2021 13:30

You’ve got a slipped disc and you won’t even try acupuncture?

Babyroobs · 22/08/2021 13:33

I really can't understand why someone would pay that much without first being certain that the recipient would enjoy that kind of thing.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 22/08/2021 13:34

Maybe try one treatment and see if it helps? Acupuncture, for example, does help some people. I tried it with good expectation but it wasn't useful for me at all. I wouldn't have known that without trying though.

Have you got a local bartering group? They can be good for swapping things you don't want for something you do.

Ionlydomassiveones · 22/08/2021 13:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Hannayeah · 22/08/2021 13:37

Call the business and tell them the situation; “A relative with ASD purchased a very expensive gift card for me and for personal reasons I am unable to use it. I don’t want to hurt or offend him. Is it possible to exchange this for cash or do you have a frequent client that might purchase it.”

They might have some suggestions. Also, ask if it could be broken down into smaller vouchers and consider giving them to people who might like to try the place.

pigeonpies · 22/08/2021 13:37

Wow ungrateful much

Is it really going to be that much of a hardship to just go on the health day and at least try to enjoy a new experience?

Don't sell them, and please don't tell them you don't want it. Be gracious and show some gratitude that you have someone in your life that would do this for you.

Greystray · 22/08/2021 13:40

Actually acupuncture helped me with a disc problem in my neck. Acupressure massage was nice too.

Why are you so resistant and closed off to this when you won't even lose out financially, and it might help you feel better?

I don't see why people are trying to coach you into telling a relative they've been inappropriate, why? He's trying to help you heal and willing to go to expense to do it, I think that's really kind.

Call the place, ask what they would recommend for your particular issue and go (with an open mind preferably).

mrsbitaly · 22/08/2021 13:42

@pigeonpies

Wow ungrateful much

Is it really going to be that much of a hardship to just go on the health day and at least try to enjoy a new experience?

Don't sell them, and please don't tell them you don't want it. Be gracious and show some gratitude that you have someone in your life that would do this for you.

Well said 👏 I think it's a lovely gesture its not my thing either but if someone spent a significant amount of money on a gift that they really thought about I would definitely use it and not sell it. I would be so hurt if this was me and I found out someone was so ungrateful like this!
Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 13:44

Tbh yes it is a hardship.

It is my free time. I will have precious little of it. So I don’t want to spend it doing something that I’m so cynical about - sorry.

OP posts:
xprincessxjanetx · 22/08/2021 13:45

This is tricky. I am not the kind of person who is into any kind of health spa - medicinal or alternative so this would be a really awful gift for me. I am afraid to say that I would not use it but would feel very bad about it. I am not sure whether you should sell them or not - could you perhaps try and explain to the spa and see if you can get the money back for them - a long shot I know but not sure what else to suggest.

ImFree2doasiwant · 22/08/2021 13:45

This sort of thing really annoys me. My sister went through a phase of buying me vouchers for things like facials, pedicure, nails etc. I have NEVER had any of those things done,because I dont want to. I can't think of anything worse and uts such a waste of money. The place was also 30 miles away. Near to where she lives. I ended up giving them back,because she enjoys these things. I don't. She's stopped now.

Does he normally spend £300 on a present??

CoronaPeroni · 22/08/2021 13:45

Ask him to go with you and you can both experience a couple of treatments. I know it's not your thing but it's perfect for a chill afternoon when you leave the baby with dp. You might be overwhelmed now but you might crave for a head massage in a few months! Don't tell him it's not your thing etc, I think that's quite cruel. Just Wow! Thanks! for now

Daleksatemyshed · 22/08/2021 13:46

Don't they have anything you'd care to try Op? Osteopathy can be good for bad backs but I can understand you not wanting the accupuncture.
Please just be honest with your relative, if you lie and say you used it then you run the risk of getting vouchers every year for more of the same, far better to tell the truth now than much later when you've got a stack of vouchers just going to waste.

ImFree2doasiwant · 22/08/2021 13:47

Also, the relative may have spent a lot of money, but they put no thought at all in.

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 13:49

Lives a long way away so no won’t be coming with me. Plus I’d get but it’s YOUR gift.

Yes I can leave the baby with DP but that then eats into the time I have for when there is something I want to do like go to the gym or meet friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 13:50

And it is not ‘cruel’ to not go.

I’m getting a bit fucked off with being the bad guy here. I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/08/2021 13:51

Dearest Relative.

I love the thought you put into the vouchers for me and I really appreciate your care. But I won’t be able to use them - I don’t have the time and none of the treatments look like they’ll be my sort of thing - and they’re very expensive so I wondered if you would like to use them instead?

Greystray · 22/08/2021 13:51

It is my free time. I will have precious little of it. So I don’t want to spend it doing something that I’m so cynical about - sorry.

I would understand that if you weren't in pain. If you were perfectly healthy it would be a waste of time.

But you're being given the chance to try something that actually might help you out. When my neck was fucked I'd have traveled anywhere to try and get it fixed, but maybe your situation isn't as much of a problem.

Whatever you decide to do, your gift was a really kind and thoughtful one from someone who loves you and wants to help you. So tell him that you went and had a really good day. You could throw in that it's not really your type of thing and you wouldn't go again... but don't tell a well-meaning person that they pissed away £300 just because their family member "felt cynical".