Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift

379 replies

summersending · 22/08/2021 10:43

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300 Shock

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really Sad

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:43

Yeah, its either the sort of thing you'll like or not like. I wonder why he thought it was perfect for you.

MargosKaftan · 22/08/2021 12:45

Op - you aren't answering if he can afford this.

If he normally spends £30-40, why the sudden jump to £300?

I would try to find out if a refund is possible- even if it means calling the company and saying "my relative who has a learning disability bought a voucher for your company as a gift for someone that can't use it. We need to arrange a refund."

If it can be refunded, I would tell him that before you had the baby this would be great, but now you have to go back to work, you don't have the time to do this, so would not like him to have wasted his money on a voucher you can't use in time. Would he mind if it was a refunded?

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:45

Because he’d enjoy it - I do sort of understand, it’s a bit like when you’re on a diet and you want someone to order the pudding YOU would want - but it’s just a complete pain in the arse.

I think probably my best option might be to sell them but I won’t get anything like their original value so it’s still such a waste. It’s that which is really bothering me, the waste.

OP posts:
Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:46

I don’t know if he can afford it. He is an adult and I don’t routinely check his bank account. I have to assume that yes, he can.

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:47

If it can be refunded, I would tell him that before you had the baby this would be great, but now you have to go back to work, you don't have the time to do this, so would not like him to have wasted his money on a voucher you can't use in time. Would he mind if it was a refunded? this sounds great!

sweetmacadamia · 22/08/2021 12:47

I would not tell him. He chose to give you this gift and despite it not being what you wanted unfortunately I think it was ultimately his choice so you should stop thinking what ifs and deal with what is. This is particularly relevant when you know it's going to hurt this person if you say something.

I like the idea of selling off part of the vouchers and then using some in order to 'pretend' you used all and enjoyed it and you can get some cash back too.

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:50

Yeah - but where do I sell them? It’s a fairly niche sort of market!

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:52

I'd start by asking the health place and go from there.

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:52

If not local Facebook marketplace?

snowdropsandcrocuses · 22/08/2021 12:53

Why does he want you to have acupuncture? Do you have any health concerns that might help?

Also, do they do reiki or head massage etc? Honestly despite it not really being your thing it might be the only opportunity for you to try something for free. You may find you like something. Also, once you spend some of the voucher, they may even refund with cash the remaining balance?

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:53

What, ask the health place who would want the vouchers?! I’m not sure that would be particularly helpful - doubt they’d want their vouchers flogged at less than half the price.

I suspect they will clog up the coffee table for months before being put in a drawer and forgotten about.

OP posts:
Leftphalange · 22/08/2021 12:54

You're coming across as quite ungrateful. This is his gift- use it or don't use it but smile and say thanks.

Personally I'd take a partner / friend and find something to try.

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:55

Problem with FB marketplace is he has FB so runs the risk of him seeing it.

I have a slipped disc and he’s constantly trying to ‘cure’ it.

OP posts:
Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 12:56

Well yes - I am ungrateful. Sorry. I’ve been bought a ridiculously expensive gift that I really really do not want.

OP posts:
HyggeTygge · 22/08/2021 12:57

That would really irritate me too OP, so although it's not the worst situation imaginable it would annoy me that a reiki place or whatever has benefited to the tune of quite a lot of money, and I also wouldn't spend my precious free time pretending to enjoy it.
Try gumtree, Facebook market place, local WhatsApp group, etc. where I am there'd be loads of interest, even if you sell them for £100.

OswaldOwl · 22/08/2021 12:58

Selling them seems ethically worse to me than the two options in your OP, as it involves dishonesty (presumably you will lie and tell him you used the voucher?).

I think better to first check and see if the vouchers are refundable, tell him that you’re uncomfortable accepting such an expensive gift and you’ve found a lovely place where you can have a massage for £40 that you’d enjoy just as much. Suggest he gets a refund for the vouchers and buy you the massage instead.

If the vouchers are not refundable, just suck it up and go to make him happy. Surely it doesn’t have to be acupuncture? What else do they offer? It’s free to you after all, not like you’re spending your own money. All it will cost you is an afternoon of your time to make your friend happy.

But make it clear after going that you don’t want any more vouchers!! Drop heavy hints about birthday gifts from now on…

mistermagpie · 22/08/2021 12:58

I wouldn't sell them, that's a bit unpleasant.

What I do with unwanted gifts is either give them to someone else or just sort of shove them in a drawer and forget it. I figure the second one is a bit wasteful so I would just give them to someone else and tell them not to mention it to him if they know him!

Or you could do something really radical and actually use the vouchers. I have no interest in getting acupuncture either, but if it's free then I might just give it a go for a laugh. Surely you will have a year or something to use the vouchers anyway?

Alternista · 22/08/2021 12:59

You seem very determined to be rigidly negative about this, are you generally in a good place? End of maternity/ back to work is a hard time. Maybe he’s picked up that you seem a bit low?

I would probably use some of it for a lowish priced treatment so i could say I’d been and talk about the place knowledgably. You never know, you might like it, in which case you could go again, or they might sell products once you’re there that you’d use, or else you could sell them (any friends that might be interested? Or else local selling sites, I’m sure you wouldn’t get “less than half price” as you said earlier) or use the rest of them as gifts for other people?

HyggeTygge · 22/08/2021 12:59

Can you get someone else to list them on Facebook?

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 13:01

@summersending

Problem with FB marketplace is he has FB so runs the risk of him seeing it.

I have a slipped disc and he’s constantly trying to ‘cure’ it.

Oh I have one of these people! Trying to cure me. It's so irritating. I just snapped and then they stopped.
nexus63 · 22/08/2021 13:01

you could say that after having the baby you just can't stand the thought of needles or for people to be poking and prodding you, please sit you friend down and explain rather than going behind his back.

HyggeTygge · 22/08/2021 13:02

Not impressed with everyone telling you to go and do something you'd rather not just you be polite.
Anyone buying me these things would knows it's the equivalent of buying a lesbian tickets to a gay man's speed dating or something Grin unless you can actually get a decent massage and some cocktails or something?!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 22/08/2021 13:02

I'd thank him then either not use them, give them away or sell them and lie through my teeth. So kind of you, gave it a try, really didn't enjoy it, hasn't helped, so sweet of you though, etc.

Thelnebriati · 22/08/2021 13:06

Did the health place talk him into buying them, or 'advise' him on how much to spend?

Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 13:10

I think you have to suck this one up @summersending. My daughter has ASD and I imagine it will have taken every iota of their imagination to have come up with this one. Meanwhile, if you try it - you might be surprised. It is surprisingly good for stress relief and pain relief. It doesn’t “cure” anything though. I am a nurse and very scientifically-minded. In a fit of utter desperation I turned to acupuncture to bring on an earlier delivery of a breech baby that was causing MUCH discomfort. (I’m only 5ft tall.) The accupuncurist took great pains to ensure that this was what I wanted because “If this works for you, (and you’re having a c-section) you’ll go into labour after lunch on Sunday.” I was in pain and desperate, but inwardly eyerolling. (As if…) We went to lunch at my FIL’s and I had to ask my DH to time my “Braxton-Hicks” when dessert was being offered. Had to round up a crabby team of people I’d never met to perform c-section as it was a Sunday.

Swipe left for the next trending thread