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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

You're child free and staying overnight with friends who have young children, what time do you get up?

240 replies

Grundoncalling · 22/08/2021 09:21

A friend stayed over last night and is still in bed with no sign of stirring. A different child-free friend who stayed with us slept until 10.30.

We're unfortunately up at 6am and would usually have eaten breakfast by 8 and be thinking about what to do with our Sunday now.

I'm probably being precious, genuinely wondering if this is poor form? Pre-kid we'd set an alarm for 8 and definitely be up by 9 if staying with friends with young children.

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 22/08/2021 12:36

It's absolutely nothing to do about moral judgements or being po-faced, I think that's quite an unkind thing to say.

Well I think it’s quite unkind to invite people into your home and act like they’re welcome, but then go online bitching about them because they’re not up by some imaginary deadline.

UnsuitableHat · 22/08/2021 12:37

I don’t completely see the relevance of the person being childfree. Surely the issue is more that by sleeping in your friend is compromising any plans you had for the day, so it’d have been better to have agreed these in advance.
I haven’t got kids but get up a lot earlier than some people I know who do (I’m capable of annoying people the other way!) But whatever. They’re your friend, so if you want to give them a nudge to get up, knock on the door.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2021 12:38

"I'm childless and try to fit in with my hosts, so get up when I hear them moving around. Also love playing with kids"

See, I would NOT do that because I'd want to give them some space, let them use the shower first, etc. If people want me to get up the same time, why don't they say so.

Sparklesocks · 22/08/2021 12:40

I think even without taking kids into account, people have different Circadian rhythms, some are naturally night owls and struggle with the mornings, others are up at the crack of dawn and aren’t able to stay up late. Obviously you don’t have much choice when you have kids! But different people have different sleep needs.

I remember when a friend of mine was in her 20s, she would sometimes stay with her DP’s family for the Christmas period - or they would rent a big house for holidays. It would be them (child free) and her DP’s brothers with their wives too. One of them had little boys - and when they were young the brother would send them in to my friend’s room around 6.30am to ‘say good morning to uncle and auntie friendname!!’. Nightmare!! He resented their lie ins and always made sure they were up with the kids like they were Grin. My friend was always fuming!!

Imnothereforthedrama · 22/08/2021 12:41

Unless you’ve said your going out at 10am then yabu I’d let them sleep until whatever time they want on a Sunday unless I told them I had plans.
I’m up early all week but I wouldn’t expect anyone to have breakfast by 8am and ready for the day at that time . What’s the rush on a Sunday most places don’t open till at least 10 on a Sunday anyway , relax op .

nonevernotever · 22/08/2021 12:43

When I say get up, I mean out of bed. I always check it's convenient before having a shower. But then, generally speaking I only stay with family or good friends. We all like each other, enjoy each others company and communicate our expectations. We also host more than visit, -its amazing how many people remember us when the Edinburgh festival is on, or when they want to go to the seaside 😃

manhattenrain · 22/08/2021 12:52

I'd say between 8:00 - 8:30, definitely no later then 9. I'd go knock on the door and offer some breakfast if I was you.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 22/08/2021 12:52

0921 isn't late for a Sunday. I'm always up and ready by 8am on weekends nowadays because (even though I'm childless) I get up for 5.30am for work, but I wouldn't expect guests to be up and ready before a certain time unless we had made plans the day before.

Personally I'd just knock on the door to their room with a cup of tea, and say "just to let you know we're going out to the park or wherever in half an hour to let the kids run free, you're welcome to come with, or have a lie in, here's some towels and a spare key if you'd rather stay here or come down later".

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/08/2021 12:56

If you didn't give them a specific plan, its not poor form at all. They don't know how you run your household etc.

I'd be grateful that they gave me time to get our own morning sorted out.
They may be waiting to hear from you.

TempleofZoom · 22/08/2021 13:04

@Sparklesocks

I think even without taking kids into account, people have different Circadian rhythms, some are naturally night owls and struggle with the mornings, others are up at the crack of dawn and aren’t able to stay up late. Obviously you don’t have much choice when you have kids! But different people have different sleep needs.

I remember when a friend of mine was in her 20s, she would sometimes stay with her DP’s family for the Christmas period - or they would rent a big house for holidays. It would be them (child free) and her DP’s brothers with their wives too. One of them had little boys - and when they were young the brother would send them in to my friend’s room around 6.30am to ‘say good morning to uncle and auntie friendname!!’. Nightmare!! He resented their lie ins and always made sure they were up with the kids like they were Grin. My friend was always fuming!!

Thats utterly disgusting, toxic behaviour. What a shit. Ive no idea why you think its funny ?
EileenGC · 22/08/2021 13:05

I don't eat breakfast and even if I did, I wouldn't expect my host to make it for me. Everyone can get their own breakfast can't they? Why is it extra work?

It’s not extra work per se, but apart from a few extremely close friends’ places, I don’t usually start opening cupboards and fridges in other people’s homes to fetch myself some breakfast.

The polite thing to do is to either join in with the family when they eat, and help throughout the process, or ask if it’s ok to go ahead on my own, if they haven’t shown me where stuff is. I certainly don’t know where every different family I visit keeps their milk, bread, cereal and so on. I’d use common sense but you’d be surprised to see the weird locations in which one can find the butter or sugar.

Amillionnc · 22/08/2021 13:06

Kids or no kids I want my guests to feel comfortable and would like the same. If there arent any plans, then usually before bed there’ll be vague comments about getting up or hosts will say relax and wake up whenever. Unless you had plans arranged let them sleep. If you want to go out send them a text saying “going to X at 00:00. Happy for you join or if not help yourself to breakfast”

They clearly feel comfortable at yours but you don’t seem comfortable with them.

PluggingAway · 22/08/2021 13:09

If nothing has been arranged/agreed then I wouldn't think they would set an alarm, which means they will be up whenever they naturally wake.

I would always have a quick chat about expectations the night before. Sometimes mt guests are happy to be left in bed, so long as they know where the coffee and cereal are kept. Other times they want to be up for breakfast with us, in which case I would wake them.

Fernando072020 · 22/08/2021 13:12

Before we had DS, we stayed at our friends a couple times a year (they had young kids)

We discussed it the night before and agreed we'd have breakfast together at 9. We did this every time . DH and I would set an alarm so we'd be up and showered in time and friends would be very considerate of until they heard us up

Velcropaws · 22/08/2021 13:13

@Amillionnc

Kids or no kids I want my guests to feel comfortable and would like the same. If there arent any plans, then usually before bed there’ll be vague comments about getting up or hosts will say relax and wake up whenever. Unless you had plans arranged let them sleep. If you want to go out send them a text saying “going to X at 00:00. Happy for you join or if not help yourself to breakfast”

They clearly feel comfortable at yours but you don’t seem comfortable with them.

I agree with you if it weren't for the fact that the hosts have young dc. All.of us hosts want our guests to feel comfortable! I don't think you can take kids out of the equation here because if they had teens, just as an example, everyone would be able to sleep in a bit.
silentpool · 22/08/2021 13:14

I'm an early riser, so usually watch the kids while the parents sleep in.

BadNomad · 22/08/2021 13:20

Maybe they thought they were welcome to sleep and don't expect you to put your day on hold. Did you tell them what time you wanted them up at? If they dont have children then likely they were still awake long after you went to bed. I know I wouldn't be able to sleep at 11pm.

dailygrowl · 22/08/2021 13:24

If you needed them to be up by a certain hour so that you could get out of the house/you wanted them to leave, you should have stipulated it the night before - and preferably before 10pm so that if they couldn’t comply they could make plans to leave/not drink alcohol if they’re driving.

If you didn’t, you can’t expect them to be up or have left early. In such instances, I’d say out by 12 or up by 11.30am to be able to agree on what time who is leaving.

You assume people without kids are taking advantage of it to sleep in, but when we stayed over after driving to relations’ house a long way out in the country, we childless ones were the ones up by 8 while the parents (and sometimes their kid as well) slept till 9.30 or 10!

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 22/08/2021 13:41

It depends what time they allow their children to walk over me in bed...

polkadotpjs · 22/08/2021 13:45

I need to know if they're up yet? We usually get up before our friends with our kids as we wake earlier than them but it's always been a clear arrangement and they leave breakfast out the night before and tell us to help ourselves as they won't be up early - clear communication but I would generally ask about the next morning or day's plans to be sure we are on the same page with friends I don't know as well

Sceptre86 · 22/08/2021 13:54

Why let them stay over of you have plans the next day? If they are good friends which presumably they ate as you wouldn't let randomness stay over then why doesn't one of you go out and take the kids and the other stay behind? Next time you could mention you have plans beforehand so they don't stay!

I had similar when my sister stayed over but we told her we had plans the next day and she could join us if she wished. She didn't want to so slept in and I left her to it.

Nirnroot · 22/08/2021 13:56

@StrangeToSee

I'm a morning person who wakes up naturally for roughly 6:30/7am daily. I'm the opposite where I hate staying with people who don't have kids as I lie there for hours in bed awake waiting for them to get up

Have you asked if they’d mind you getting up early?

Lots of our guests get up at 5am or 6am, have breakfast, even go for a run or walk. I’d be mortified if a guest was lying in bed feeling they had to wait for me!

The only time I wasn’t so impressed was when a friend woke me at 5am to ask where the coffee bean grinder was! That’s why I now tell them to feel free to go through all the kitchen cupboards if there’s something they need. There’s nothing secret downstairs!

I actually probably will in the future now- I always felt a bit nervous asking in case they'd feel they had to get up with me. Reading this thread though people seem quite relaxed, think it's likely my fear of my stomping about waking everyone up hahah!

Yeah 5am is mental, that's just taking early rising too far!

Velcropaws · 22/08/2021 13:58

@WomanStanleyWoman

It's absolutely nothing to do about moral judgements or being po-faced, I think that's quite an unkind thing to say.

Well I think it’s quite unkind to invite people into your home and act like they’re welcome, but then go online bitching about them because they’re not up by some imaginary deadline.

That's unfair. How do you know they are not genuinely welcome? Why would anyone go to the trouble of inviting guests in the first place and do all the extra work that it entails if they did not have genuinely good intentions?

And one person's "bitching on the Internet" is another person's "answering the question the op posed and joining in the discussion" if that's OK with you?

Also, the sentence you quoted above had a context; it was in response to a pp or pps suggesting that those with dc were adopting an air of moral superiority about being up early, which is unfair, because those with young dc don't really have much of a choice about it and what all of this boils down to is guests and hosts alike having consideration for one another and their respective situations.

Having hosted a lot for years and years, some guests come and have the attitude that their presence doesn't make any difference to the running of a household, and of course it appears like that if the host is doing a good job of hosting!

In reality though you have probably altered your plans a bit, maybe collected them from train station/ airport and delivered them back, planned expeditions and interesting day trips, planned the meals, shopped, cooked and washed up more than usual, made beds, cleaned bathrooms, kept the dc out of the way when their schedule has been disrupted and they are excited about guests being in the house etc etc.

That doesn't mean you don't t really appreciate them being there and appreciate their effort in travelling to see you. Or that you don't enjoy spending time with them. Of course you do! And you genuinely want them to enjoy their stay too.
The two positions are not mutually exclusive.

Dontwantsummertoend · 22/08/2021 14:00

I'm currently childfree though I am now pregnant, and I can say that I would regard 10:30 as fairly early. I know for some that's crazy, but I really struggle to get up in the mornings (I'm not young - 36), and on the weekends I get up around midday (yes, I know this will stop when the baby arrives, but I'm just telling the OP my current schedule!). I'd never, ever be up by 8 am even when staying with friends with kids. Probably, I'd set an alarm for maybe 9 but not manage to make it up before 10. It's definitely possible that I'd end up sleeping in till around 11 despite my best efforts. Maybe that's rude, but that is how I would act.

FinallyHere · 22/08/2021 14:03

Love having visitors but hate this kind of uncertainly. When I show people their room, I make a point of checking whether they shall want breakfast and if so, what time would suit them.

This would guide our plans for the next day. We may go out for breakfast / lunch...

I'd show them the kitchen, tea/coffee 'fridge etc and let them know they are expected to help themselves.

Wonder whether anyone else sees any overlap between this thread and the one about 'what is your child free life like?'

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