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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

637 replies

ojss21 · 21/08/2021 09:37

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

  1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).
  1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 22/08/2021 12:57

I truly believe that a 15 year old is old enough to know who her Mummy and Daddy are.
Each daughter has a Mummy and Daddy to buy them presents. Nothing cruel/uncaring about it.

Cyberattack · 22/08/2021 14:50

@Autumndays123

You've summed this up really well Autumn. I really hope the OP reads and understands your points. However, it from how she has responded so far, she does not seem to understand any viewpoint but her own. Hopefully she will eventually.

PieceOfString · 22/08/2021 15:07

There are some nutters on this thread!

thelionqwueen · 22/08/2021 15:35

@Autumndays123 are spot on!

Mydogmylife · 22/08/2021 18:54

@Autumndays123

Hi OP

I've followed this thread with interest and have to say, I can see both sides. I understand that at the moment, your focus does have to be on the baby and purchasing things for her. I appreciate you consider £100 to be generous and thought your eldest would want cash.

I can also see how she may be feeling pushed out, especially as you do not seem to have a family dynamic in place. You seem to place pride on the fact you solely contribute for your daughter, but are your feelings of pride worth more than your daughter's feelings? You cannot operate a family system where everything is divided financially. You have now cemented the family status of you and your DP with the arrival of 'your' newborn. You are the family and your daughter is your family. It's quite easy to see why she might be feeling a bit glum.

I am slightly confused how defensive you are being towards anyone who does not agree that your daughter is in the wrong. In addition, the example you provided about how amazing your DP is - which was to take your daughter out with her friends on her birthday when you were very sick, is not 'amazing', it really is niceness on its most basic level. I would be more surprised if he hadn't done it and to be honest.

Like you, I have a child with my ex and I'm now in a new relationship of ten years. We have never, ever divided the bills based on me having a child, that's not how family works. I haven't a clue how your daughter will feel come Christmas when your baby has presents worth twice the value of hers, regardless of whether she gets her own presents from her dad. I think she will realise pretty quickly that your DP is contributing towards his baby and not her.

Nonetheless, I hope you are reflecting on the advice on this thread and giving some more thought to your daughter and how she is feeling. You seem to have placed your DP on some kind of godly pedestal, and I fear that as he is saying your daughter is selfish, you are thinking this must be true.

As a side note, I too find it incredibly strange to the point of being cruel and uncaring that your husband does not contribute towards a present for your daughter's birthday. Honestly, if that were my DP, I would be reconsidering his place in the family.

On the nose!
LittleMG · 22/08/2021 19:22

Yes she is being rude and selfish but it’s coming from a place of vulnerability and uncertainty. If I were you I think I’d go from the acknowledgment of her feelings angle and then explanation of what’s possible and what’s not. ‘I understand why your upset, I can’t see why this might seem u fair… but I want you to know I do love u and I honestly do try and do what’s best….’ Not saying it would work but I think this is worth a try to help bring her round with least possible agro she is 15 after all!

Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:00

@PieceOfString

There are some nutters on this thread!

Agreed 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:01

As a side note, I too find it incredibly strange to the point of being cruel and uncaring that your husband does not contribute towards a present for your daughter's birthday. Honestly, if that were my DP, I would be reconsidering his place in the family

Fuck me. For the absolute last time.

I don't want or need any contributions from him so it is ME who doesn't want this, as opposed to him refusing or not offering, and therefore there is NOTHING cruel or uncaring about this.

Hth.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:02

@LittleMG

Yes she is being rude and selfish but it’s coming from a place of vulnerability and uncertainty. If I were you I think I’d go from the acknowledgment of her feelings angle and then explanation of what’s possible and what’s not. ‘I understand why your upset, I can’t see why this might seem u fair… but I want you to know I do love u and I honestly do try and do what’s best….’ Not saying it would work but I think this is worth a try to help bring her round with least possible agro she is 15 after all!

Great advice, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:04

I haven't a clue how your daughter will feel come Christmas when your baby has presents worth twice the value of hers,

Another one who likes to make shit up.

Where have I said that my baby's presents will be worth twice the value of my eldest's?! Where?? Please do point this out.

I mean considering she wants the latest brand new iPhone and designer clothes, I really can't see baby's stuff costing more. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the value of my eldest's Christmas gifts will be greater than the baby's simply by virtue of the fact that she wants more expensive items!

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:06

I can also see how she may be feeling pushed out, especially as you do not seem to have a family dynamic in place.

This is an interesting comment.

Please provide some examples from things I have said, that lead you to the oddest conclusion I've ever heard about my life: "I don't seem to have a family dynamic in place".

I mean, what does this even mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:06

You cannot operate a family system where everything is divided financially.

You can. It works for us. So you definitely can.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:07

You are the family and your daughter is your family. It's quite easy to see why she might be feeling a bit glum.

We are all one family - the four of us. If you're trying to imply that we operate as two separate families - well, we don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:11

You seem to place pride on the fact you solely contribute for your daughter, but are your feelings of pride worth more than your daughter's feelings?

This is a little bit disingenuous.

I can simultaneously be proud of the fact that I am sole financial provider for my daughter whilst also considering her feelings. Like I have said repeatedly, she in no way is aware that I choose to solely provide for her nor does she miss out because of this. In fact since when I'm not mat leave I earn more that DP does, I'd argue she definitely doesn't miss out. At all.

So how on earth you have concluded that my pride in providing for her by myself somehow negates her feelings, is frankly a mystery.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:12

I am slightly confused how defensive you are being towards anyone who does not agree that your daughter is in the wrong

Please provide quotes to illustrate my defensiveness in this context.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:15

Like you, I have a child with my ex and I'm now in a new relationship of ten years. We have never, ever divided the bills based on me having a child, that's not how family works.

We don't. Again you have made this up. We make equal contributions to the household bills and food shopping. Anything extra that my daughter wants or needs such as school uniform, hair salons, outings with friends etc ... I choose to pay for. If I was short, or if I asked DP, he'd give me the money in a heartbeat as I've said repeatedly.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:16

Nonetheless, I hope you are reflecting on the advice on this thread and giving some more thought to your daughter and how she is feeling.

Yep. A quick search of my posts will tell you that I've said this a few times.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:19

You seem to have placed your DP on some kind of godly pedestal, and I fear that as he is saying your daughter is selfish, you are thinking this must be true.

I saved the best for last.

I mean. What the fuck.

A godly pedestal?! Please provide me with my verbatim words that lead you to this bonkers hyperbolic conclusion?! 😂

And no - I don't agree with him. A more intelligent person would realise that simply by virtue of the small fact that I posted here to gain others' views. Ask yourself why I bothered to do that, if my view was in line with DP's? Clearly I didn't think this. I was unsure. That's the whole OP - read it again. I'm asking for views because I'm genuinely unsure what's going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:20

@Autumndays123

I think that just about covers everything I wanted to respond to about your post.

Feel free to respond, or not. It makes no odds to me.

Thanks again for all views!

OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 22/08/2021 20:28

@ojss21

As a side note, I too find it incredibly strange to the point of being cruel and uncaring that your husband does not contribute towards a present for your daughter's birthday. Honestly, if that were my DP, I would be reconsidering his place in the family

Fuck me. For the absolute last time.

I don't want or need any contributions from him so it is ME who doesn't want this, as opposed to him refusing or not offering, and therefore there is NOTHING cruel or uncaring about this.

Hth.

Why have you asked your husband to never buy his stepdaughter a present? That's really quite strange. I'm sorry OP but throughout this thread you've made it plainly obvious you hold your feelings (and that of your DP) in considerably higher regard than your daughter's.

I'm not sure what you were hoping to gain from this thread. You obviously weren't expecting anyone to disagree with you, but you asked for the opinion of strangers online and we are telling you what we think based on that. This is not a family unit and your daughter will be feeling that.

Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:30

@Autumndays123

😂
Well she's here with us on holiday right now and having a lovely time in the hotel, all 3 of us together while baby sleeps, so....... 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 22/08/2021 20:30

@ojss21

You seem to have placed your DP on some kind of godly pedestal, and I fear that as he is saying your daughter is selfish, you are thinking this must be true.

I saved the best for last.

I mean. What the fuck.

A godly pedestal?! Please provide me with my verbatim words that lead you to this bonkers hyperbolic conclusion?! 😂

And no - I don't agree with him. A more intelligent person would realise that simply by virtue of the small fact that I posted here to gain others' views. Ask yourself why I bothered to do that, if my view was in line with DP's? Clearly I didn't think this. I was unsure. That's the whole OP - read it again. I'm asking for views because I'm genuinely unsure what's going on.

And yet such an intelligent person can't seem to fathom why people are suggesting she is being defensive and attacking anyone who disagrees.
Autumndays123 · 22/08/2021 20:32

[quote ojss21]@Autumndays123

😂
Well she's here with us on holiday right now and having a lovely time in the hotel, all 3 of us together while baby sleeps, so....... 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Yet you posted a thread on mumsnet to ask for help because of her recent challenging behaviour 🤨

Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:33

@Autumndays123

I haven't asked him to never buy her a present. What a ridiculous conversation that would have been.

I have always, since knowing him, just gone out and bought her things. Then said "oh by the way I got this for DD for her birthday from us both". And he goes "oh that's lovely, she'll like that". End of discussion. The dynamic just naturally fell that way because I have been so used to being her sole provider for so long.

You're looking for some kind of cruelty or deliberate exclusion by DP towards her. It's not there.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 22/08/2021 20:35

Yet you posted a thread on mumsnet to ask for help because of her recent challenging behaviour 🤨

Yes I did, and? So we aren't allowed to go on holiday now because I posted on MN with a problem?! You said "that's not a family unit". Yes it is, because we have all had a lovely day as just that.

OP posts: