Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

@ohthatbloodycat

A 15 year old cant get much -other than fast fashion - with £100. She's 15, they can be self-centred, try to let it go.

I'm amazed by the comments - still - about the £100. Usually it's the opposite on MN, people fall over themselves to explain why they'll only spend small amounts (gifts, food shopping, meals out) but £100 is embarrassingly little for a 15 yo.

Yes, she could get 'fast fashion' items, which surely is what most teens wear? My 14 yo would get loads in Zara for that (where we both shop mainly). It is probably 'fast fashion' but not disposable, I wear my Zara items for years & expect my DD to take care of hers too, until she grows out of them or they aren't in good shape.

At other times she'd use that amount of money for something like runners she really wants & wouldn't ordinarily be bought. Up to her.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Did your DP get her anything for her birthday?

Of course he did, didn't he? Something small but thoughtful? He's becoming a very important adult in DD's life, her mother's permanent partner and father of her new sister. Of course he would get her something to mark her birthday. He's not just some blow-in who breaks up her relationship with her mother.

What a horrible comment. Both in sentiment & tone. 😡

Some of the responses here are so utterly bizarre!

It was completely irrational, and yes, a little spoilt, of her to compare the price of a necessity to a gift. But as has been pointed out already it's not really about the money.

I can so clearly remember being 15 and the hormones at play making everything feel so intense! For what it's worth I think you are doing a great job and even if she doesn't see it now she will in time.

My guess is she probably already feels a little guilty for her reaction to the detour to her aunt's, but may be a little too proud to apologise about it so please don't think she doesn't care.

Hope your sister is OK

@ojss21

I've read the full thread over the day, and am really taken aback at how it's taken off.

I'd have expected a small-ish number of replies, most reassuring you that you were doing fine, your DD was also fine, just being a bit thoughtless, and a typical teenager, and also understandably struggling a bit with having a new sibling. (Which is my take on it).

I feel like I was reading a different OP to many others, all the comments on £100 / the car seat comparison / DP not buying a present etc, and really unwarranted ones about you choosing to have a new baby with your DP.

I think you've been really calm in your replies, and taken on board different POVs. I think you've got this; you feel yourself DD needs some quality time with you & have plans to make this happen.

Hope your DSis will be ok & that you enjoy your time with her. Also hope the more judgy of comments on this thread haven't upset you. 💐

The comment on the price of the car seat is her way of saying she is scared you love this new baby more I think.

@Itstheweekendyasssss

The comment on the price of the car seat is her way of saying she is scared you love this new baby more I think.

I mean, it could be.

But she's a teen. It could also be just a literal strop about money.

@EarringsandLipstick

Thank you

@EarringsandLipstick In terms of saying OP isn't responding or taking on board poster's comments, nothing could be less true. She has acknowledged multiple points & continued to post - one of the most prolific OP's I've seen.

Not to mention they're now taking two cars away so that DD can be taken back early to see her friends rather than her sick Aunty. You're right, OP has been pretty gracious in her responses to some vile posts (looking at the person who said she was selfish to have had another child!)

OP has been pretty gracious in her responses to some vile post

She really has. Fair play.

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread.
I think its a double issue. A baby issue and a 15yo teenager issue. And there's not a lot you can do about either of them! I'm sure a few years on she'll be back to being lovely. As for your sister, of course your daughter does love her, but a15yo is all about themselves and just thinks about their immediate wants and probably isn't even connecting it all together. Grit your teeth. It will get better.

@EarringsandLipstick

Ignore the poster who has just referred to DD1's car seat. It's the one who called me selfish for having another baby and got their comment deleted. They are just here to be goady. If they get no attention they'll disappear no doubt.

MN is so weird sometimes. Spending more than £90 on a safe car seat is a waste, but giving £100 cash AND presents for a birthday is too little? And apparently your partner should buy your DD a seperate gift so she can know he doesn't contribute to any of her other gifts. So she can feel shit I guess?

Also, I don't know if you've realised...your partner is a man. That means he is automatically guilty and in the wrong and therefore you need to focus on that and LTB.

Oh, right OP! I missed that comment, I think it must have been deleted by the time I caught up.

It's strange, these posts that are digs really ...

@BadNomad

If I LTB before Wednesday my DD won't get her lift home early that she wants. Maybe I should LTB on Thursday 🤔

😂

@EarringsandLipstick

Your support and calm voice of reason has not gone unnoticed.

@Whinge

I find the focus on whether DP got her a birthday present utterly bizarre.

I find it bizarre that he's been in her life 6 years and didn't buy her anything.

I find it bizarre that posters feel the need to make up shit because they can't read the OP's posts.

Let me help you by rereading some of the OP's posts for you.

• DD1 has two parents who are responsible for her financially and otherwise. Both contribute financially, along with her DGPs
• OP as one of those parents feels responsible for her share of DD1's needs (and good for her)
• DP is not only supportive and willing to help DD1 but also paid for her birthday outing with her friends ( ojss21 Sat 21-Aug-21 14:31:28 so you can check for yourself).

DD1 sounds very well provided for, no shortage of cash on demand from OP, her DF and her DGPs

She is having a teenage strop after finding the £100 cash element of her birthday presents from OP is less than she wanted, despite having other gifts, an outing with friends and money/others from her actual DF and DGPs.

Strop is likely a combination of teenage moods and sibling rivalry. It won't be fixed by throwing more money at her or blaming the DP for having the temerity for being in their lives.

Like every other sibling since time began she will have to learn to timeshare her mother, her mother will need to work out what kind of one to one time works best for the daughter.

That's good to hear ojss21 I'm glad it helped a bit, in the sea of comments 😊

Good post @C8H10N4O2

I find it bizarre that posters feel the need to make up shit because they can't read the OP's posts.

I'm not making shit up. Op bought the presents. Her daughter may think they came from both of them, but OP was the one who bought them with her money, as she didn't want to take money from her DP for them. I'm not criticising the OP for this, she's entitled to do as she pleases, and if she doesn't want her DP contributing towards the gifts then so be it. But it's not wrong to say her DP didn't buy a gift, as he didn't.

I requested my own comment be deleted there OP, because it was gratuitously cruel. I am very sorry for that one, it was completely uncalled for and extremely rude.

OK, I've read some of these comments now and I'm amazed. We've all been 15 and many of us will have had 15yos. Its not like they're a mystery. They can be horrible and unreasonable one day, and fantastic and loving another. Problem is you just never know what you're going to get on any given day. Op, I'm sure you've done your best all her life and are still doing your best. You can't do more than that. I'd step away from this thread for the sake of your own sanity.

OP I've read nearly all of this thread. It seems to me that you don't really want to listen to what the posters who don't agree with you are saying, and yet you have spent the whole day responding to them without changing your original stance at all. The whole thing has just become circuitous now.
I hope your daughter feels happier soon.

I'm not making shit up

He took her out and paid for her birthday outing with friends. I gave you the time stamp of the post. Feel free to read it.