Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

@Cyberattack

OP I've read nearly all of this thread. It seems to me that you don't really want to listen to what the posters who don't agree with you are saying, and yet you have spent the whole day responding to them without changing your original stance at all. The whole thing has just become circuitous now. I hope your daughter feels happier soon.

I genuinely don't get this.

OP has already said herself she's taken it on board and is mulling it over.

You don't get many OP's like this who stay on the thread despite having some pretty nasty stuff aimed at them and actually discussing and yes, taking things on board and thinking about it.

I feel like the OP has responded the opposite of this

All I can say is that if the OP shows half as much patience towards her teenager as she has done towards many of the posters on this thread, then her DD is going to be just fine.

@C8H10N4O2

I'm not making shit up

He took her out and paid for her birthday outing with friends. I gave you the time stamp of the post. Feel free to read it.

That was the year before FYI.

@Cyberattack

OP I've read nearly all of this thread. It seems to me that you don't really want to listen to what the posters who don't agree with you are saying, and yet you have spent the whole day responding to them without changing your original stance at all. The whole thing has just become circuitous now. I hope your daughter feels happier soon.

@Cyberattack

I could not disagree more. This is an incredibly unfair post.

• OP recognised she did not fully acknowledged how important her DD’s social life is to her, so has arranged for DP to be able to attend, as planned.

• OP recognised that her DD is communicating not about money but rather, that DD wants her time and attention. So, OP has arranged for the baby to be with her dad, so they can have 1 to 1 time.

What more do people want?!

That was the year before FYI.

The poster was trying to claim he doesn't contribute to the OP's daughter's birthdays. My point was that he does both financially and practically.

Not every gift has to be a wad of notes. I'd say taking an extra car on holiday solely so that he can ferry the teenager to see her friends is evidence of his being willing to contribute to her life.

I also reckon that if both DDs had the same father the OP would not be getting half so many arsey responses and a lot more saying that the DD should be grateful for the birthday haul described.

If I had a baby when my daughter was 15 she would have disowned me never mind anything else.

@HHSchultz

If I had a baby when my daughter was 15 she would have disowned me never mind anything else.

Helpful, thank you. I'm glad you popped by to add that comment.

@EarringsandLipstick @C8H10N4O2 @WhenISnappedAndFarted @perfectstorm @Mickarooni

Thank you all - I appreciate your recent comments.

I'm just telling you how other 15 year olds would maybe react!

@HHSchultz

If I had a baby when my daughter was 15 she would have disowned me never mind anything else.

That's nice.

My DM had babies when I was 13 and 15.

Never crossed my mind to disown her. I went through the same/similar sibling rivalry and jealousy and hormonal things OP's daughter is going through, but we're still close, and I'm in my 30s now (with some pretty awesome siblings)

Mum, had you been a single parent household and only child until then?

@HHSchultz

I'm just telling you how other 15 year olds would maybe react!

Well thankfully my daughter hasn't reacted like this. She clearly understands that she only gets one mum and if she were to "disown" me she'd be without a mum. And thankfully she values our relationship enough to not want to end up without a mum. I'm sorry your daughter doesn't feel the same. But it's really not of much relevance or help to my thread.

OP.... this has been a hard read but one that you needed to hear from both sides.

Stepping away from all the drama - you do need to realise that at 15 she will be leaving home soon - and you need to make sure your relationship is solid before she does. Fortunately, you have a couple of years to work on this.

She Is telling you she needs more of your attention.

It Is complex because of the sibling tensions and step parent circumstances

Whilst you may have multiple people to care for, you are still her Only mum.

As Mum how you navigate this period is crucial so for both your sakes, make time with her to Really listen.

You still have time to fix this... and it Will be worth it.

Wishing you both all the best.

OP, you are doing an excellent job. Having taught teenagers for over 30 years -and been a parent to two and come out on the other side- your role is to be their punchbag and bank, you will never do anything right but have to do this with unconditional love and your undivided attention - unless she doesn’t want it but you have to guess when this is. You will laugh over this in 10 years time when she is an adult (and you are about to go through round 2!).
Can’t help but feel some of the posters here are stuck in teenage mode in their values.

Op, you seem to only want to hear that you are a good Mum and your daughter is at fault. Good luck, you have long way to go and a lot to learn.

@HHSchultz

Op, you seem to only want to hear that you are a good Mum and your daughter is at fault. Good luck, you have long way to go and a lot to learn.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Yes. Ok.

@alwayslearning789

Thank you so much for your constructive and respectful post, which helps me very much. You're right. I've made multiple mentions to how I plan to address the issues, and I will start on this right away.

@Tinabn

OP, you are doing an excellent job. Having taught teenagers for over 30 years -and been a parent to two and come out on the other side- your role is to be their punchbag and bank, you will never do anything right but have to do this with unconditional love and your undivided attention - unless she doesn’t want it but you have to guess when this is. You will laugh over this in 10 years time when she is an adult (and you are about to go through round 2!). Can’t help but feel some of the posters here are stuck in teenage mode in their values.

Haha thank you!
Yes I can relate to punch bag and bank 😂😂

Thank you to all those who have posted helpful and constructive comments whilst being respectful and empathic. I really do appreciate that. To those who have posted with an air of superiority just to stick their condescending boot in - or just been downright offensive and had their comments deleted - please reflect on what is driving this as for someone in a less psychologically robust place than me may find this very damaging, particularly in a sensitive postnatal period. There are ways and means to put your views across, and even if some of those have been hard for me to hear, I have engaged only with the ones able to express themselves with respect and empathy. And I have taken a lot from these posts. So thank you again!

@HHSchultz

Mum, had you been a single parent household and only child until then?

Yes, I had. Just me and mum until I was 10.

@ojss21 this thread is getting ridiculous now, people are either making things up or not reading them. I'm not sure how you've been so patient.

It'll get easier as they both get older, I'm sure your older daughter will be a wonderful big sister and they'll have a great relationship. My sister and I had a lot of issues growing up (closer in age than your two), a lot down to my jealousy because I perceived my sister to be the golden child who got everything but we're best friends now.

I wish you and your family all of the best and I hope your sister will be okay

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

Thank you. I agree, totally ridiculous. I have no time for posters who are either offensive, goady, condescending, or post one liners like "my kid would have disowned me". It's entirely unhelpful and rude IMO. If other posters like yourself can manage to gently challenge and query the situation with respect and empathy, then there's no reason why others can't (other than to be arseholes).

I'm not sure how I've been so patient either, but there you go! Perhaps having a teen and a baby has honed these skills as a lot of patience is required!

Anyway - thank you to you personally and also others who've been very helpful (who I've mentioned). I'm off on a little break away with my two lovely girls and DP soon - can't bloody wait!

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

Also so lovely to hear your story about you and your sister. I hope my girls end up close too ❤️

Gosh, so many posts and replies.

It is hard to be all things to everyone at every moment. You sound like find yourself trying to meet everyone's needs and then defending your choices.

"How to speak so your kids / teens will listen and how to listen so your kids / teens will speak" are great books.

They focus on letting everyone have a voice and not finding right or wrong but listening and empathising. It can be really useful to frame discussions and arguments in many situations.

Hugs and I love yous are also very helpful.

Hi OP

I've followed this thread with interest and have to say, I can see both sides. I understand that at the moment, your focus does have to be on the baby and purchasing things for her. I appreciate you consider £100 to be generous and thought your eldest would want cash.

I can also see how she may be feeling pushed out, especially as you do not seem to have a family dynamic in place. You seem to place pride on the fact you solely contribute for your daughter, but are your feelings of pride worth more than your daughter's feelings? You cannot operate a family system where everything is divided financially. You have now cemented the family status of you and your DP with the arrival of 'your' newborn. You are the family and your daughter is your family. It's quite easy to see why she might be feeling a bit glum.

I am slightly confused how defensive you are being towards anyone who does not agree that your daughter is in the wrong. In addition, the example you provided about how amazing your DP is - which was to take your daughter out with her friends on her birthday when you were very sick, is not 'amazing', it really is niceness on its most basic level. I would be more surprised if he hadn't done it and to be honest.

Like you, I have a child with my ex and I'm now in a new relationship of ten years. We have never, ever divided the bills based on me having a child, that's not how family works. I haven't a clue how your daughter will feel come Christmas when your baby has presents worth twice the value of hers, regardless of whether she gets her own presents from her dad. I think she will realise pretty quickly that your DP is contributing towards his baby and not her.

Nonetheless, I hope you are reflecting on the advice on this thread and giving some more thought to your daughter and how she is feeling. You seem to have placed your DP on some kind of godly pedestal, and I fear that as he is saying your daughter is selfish, you are thinking this must be true.

As a side note, I too find it incredibly strange to the point of being cruel and uncaring that your husband does not contribute towards a present for your daughter's birthday. Honestly, if that were my DP, I would be reconsidering his place in the family.