Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

And yet such an intelligent person can't seem to fathom why people are suggesting she is being defensive and attacking anyone who disagrees.

You make lots of accusations and you provide so little evidence to back them up.

Please show me where I have "attacked anyone who disagrees"

I'm sorry OP but throughout this thread you've made it plainly obvious you hold your feelings (and that of your DP) in considerably higher regard than your daughter's.

Evidence please?

@ojss21

I'm sorry OP but throughout this thread you've made it plainly obvious you hold your feelings (and that of your DP) in considerably higher regard than your daughter's.

Evidence please?

I'm sorry OP I'm really struggling to reply to each post. Can you please stop quoting each sentence in separate posts.

Look, I tried to offer advice and you're not happy with it. As I said, you asked strangers for an opinion and a majority have told you it's not your daughter who is the problem. You discuss your daughter's challenging behaviour recently and you're looking to understand why she is behaving like that. We are telling you why she could possibly behaving like that.

As for the DP. Your reference to him as 'everyones rock' is cringy. If the best example you could give is that he took your daughter out on her birthday when you were vomiting is that impressive in your mind, that is not a 'rock'. I'm more concerned that you seem to think that's him going above and beyond. It's not. Would your daughter describe him as her 'rock?' You then leap to defend your DP when anyone suggests he may have a part to play in the issue. By contrast, anyone who called your daughter spoiled/selfish seemed to please you, the tone in responding to those comments is very telling.

You have been extremely argumentative in this thread and refusal to listen to anyone's perspective, despite asking for advice. If this is how you approach conversations in real life - and I can't see why you wouldn't - I'm not surprised you are having issues with your daughter.

I would suggest maybe reflect on your parenting style and the way you communicate with your daughter. This may help in the long run, particularly if you launch on her if she dares disagree, as you've done here.

I'm sorry OP I'm really struggling to reply to each post. Can you please stop quoting each sentence in separate posts.

I think you might be struggling to reply to each post because you can't actually back up your pretty wild claims about the OP with any evidence from her posts, as she asked.

@Autumndays123

I couldn't disagree more with your ill-informed analysis of my family life.

You can find it cringey all you like that I refer to my DP as my rock. He was, and he is. No, that's not the only example of that. It's an example that was pertinent to the point I was addressing at the time because he took my DD out for her birthday when I was physically unable. It was an example chosen to illustrate that he does in fact do things for her when posters were wrongly assuming he didn't care about her.

You have made quite an assumption about the way I deal with interactions with my DD. "I'm not surprised you're having issues" is the most condescending load of bollocks. Teens are difficult. Parenting is difficult. If we are having issues it's because .... well, it's difficult! And many people have issues with parenting. This place is full of threads that demonstrate that. So to assume it's my fault because of my approach to a load of strangers on the internet, many of whom have been rude and offensive and one who had their comment deleted for calling me selfish for having another child, well, that's a bit daft isn't it. Because it reflects not a jot on how I interact with my loved ones.

Thanks for your opinion but you are honestly so far off the mark. So your input is not helpful.

You have been extremely argumentative in this thread and refusal to listen to anyone's perspective, despite asking for advice.

This is literally a lie.

Look at my posts. I have listened to a number of perspectives and endeavoured to reflect on my relationship with my DD as a result of the emotion provoked by the comments. You will see that if you read my comments. I'm not repeating the examples here.

By contrast, anyone who called your daughter spoiled/selfish seemed to please you,

Fuck me. It seemed to please me?! What exactly are you implying here? That I dislike my own daughter? My first born who has been by my side for 15 years?!

You are out of order.

As I said, you asked strangers for an opinion and a majority have told you it's not your daughter who is the problem.

Many have said she's displaying typical self centred selfish teen behaviour; whilst also likely feeling insecure about the new baby and wanting more time with me.

I'd say that's a mix of her own stuff, my stuff, and the entire shifted family dynamic thrown into the mix.

That's the "problem". The entire situation and the dynamics at play. I got that from most of the posts.

I was the baby of the family. My eldest sibling left home when I was 8, and the middle child left home when I was 11. Until I left home at 18, I was basically an only child - like your daughter has been for 15 years.
When I was 16, my mother sat me down and told me, panicking, that she was positive was pregnant. I was thrilled! Turned out that she was going through menopause.
When I was 20, I scolded my mother for not buying me Christmas presents like C’s parents bought her - antiques and jewelry. That Christmas, I received a beautiful antique desk from my parents and a GIGANTIC guilty conscience all on my own.
I think I somehow was more mature at 16 than I was at 20. Everybody is different - maybe if you told your daughter how important she is to you and that you’re sorry you forgot about her plans, that might make a difference. It sounds as though she’s feeling left out and unimportant now that you have a new baby occupying so much of your time. Just letting her know that nobody could ever replace her might help.

I do think you sound quite defensive of/impressed by your boyfriend in a way I would find grating if I was your daughter - e.g. describing him as her ‘rock’ while you had pregnancy sickness, repeated mentions of how he’s going to drive her back from your sister’s - I’d have wanted you to think of that solution before coming up with the idea that my plans just get cancelled; I agree with her that that was unfair and it wasn’t spoiled of her to say so.

Definitely. A lot of the things DP has done are simply what any decent person in this setup should do. Of course he held things down while OP had HG: it's his responsibility to step in when his partner, the woman carrying his baby, is unable to function normally.

Even the way the title is framed, like the only options here are OP being a shit mum or her daughter being spoiled, neither of which are accurate, is very telling. There are more than two people in this family unit and the issues and dynamics have to be considered in that context. I can see that this will be hard given how OP has always prized her independence in terms of providing for DD, but it's got to be done.

@EarringsandLipstick

I'm sorry OP I'm really struggling to reply to each post. Can you please stop quoting each sentence in separate posts.

I think you might be struggling to reply to each post because you can't actually back up your pretty wild claims about the OP with any evidence from her posts, as she asked.

Yes I'm still waiting for the evidence to back up these wild accusations..... think I'll be waiting a while.

Even the way the title is framed, like the only options here are OP being a shit mum or her daughter being spoiled, neither of which are accurate, is very telling.

Can you say a bit more please about how and why it is "telling"? I'm interested in how my title gives so much away and what exactly it gives away?

@54321nought

she does not want to acknowledge that her aunt may be seriously ill

she may feel awkward and not know what to say to her aunt

you have messed up her social plans

her life has been turned upside down by the arrival of a new baby in the family home

she is not spoilt, and you are not a shit mum

she just needs some more tlc, and to be listened to

This ^^

@DreamTheMoors

Yes that sounds like a lovely idea - letting her know no one could replace her. I'm not sure she feels "replaced" as such (at least I'd really hope not), but perhaps neglected in terms of my time and attention. But it can't hurt to remind her of this. Thank you!

@ojss21

Even the way the title is framed, like the only options here are OP being a shit mum or her daughter being spoiled, neither of which are accurate, is very telling.

Can you say a bit more please about how and why it is "telling"? I'm interested in how my title gives so much away and what exactly it gives away?

It's telling that you frame the issue only in terms of two of the people in the family unit, and the suggestions you made about what the possibilities might be here. The situation is more complex than that and it's about more than either you or her being in the wrong.

@ButteringMyArse

Yes. I see your point. I framed my title like that because I do at times feel like I'm not a good mum (I'm sure we all have these doubts at times). But I'm not sure how else I would have framed it in terms of the wider family dynamic because I suppose I feel the issue is between her and I, if that makes any sense

[quote ojss21]@ButteringMyArse

Yes. I see your point. I framed my title like that because I do at times feel like I'm not a good mum (I'm sure we all have these doubts at times). But I'm not sure how else I would have framed it in terms of the wider family dynamic because I suppose I feel the issue is between her and I, if that makes any sense [/quote]
Yes I definitely see that you feel it's a you and her issue. I just don't think that's the full picture here. It's more complicated.

[quote ojss21]@DreamTheMoors

Yes that sounds like a lovely idea - letting her know no one could replace her. I'm not sure she feels "replaced" as such (at least I'd really hope not), but perhaps neglected in terms of my time and attention. But it can't hurt to remind her of this. Thank you! [/quote]
@ojss21
You’re very welcome. I’m certain that once both baby and teenager grow a bit everything will calm down and even out.
Perhaps you could even leave the baby with Dad and have a Mum & Daughter day out. Or even do it on a regular basis.
We all need to know that we matter. ❤️

@ButteringMyArse

Yes. I agree. I just perhaps couldn't have captured all of that in a title? But I do see your point.

OP - I’m not going to offer you any advice because you’ve had loads of good advice and sound like you know what you’re doing!

Just wanted to say I don’t know why you’ve had so much vitriol from a few posters on this thread but fwiw I don’t think you’ve been argumentative at all or been defensive or whatever else anyone (IMO oddly) has claimed.

Big age gaps are tricky especially when the new sibling first comes along. My eldest was 12 and then 16 when I had the younger two. It’s fine. He loves them very much, they love him and he’s now 21.

@ojss21 I wouldn't bother anymore on here.
@Autumndays123 seems to be making up her own storyline and so many pp's have decided your dd is Cinderella!
You're obviously a good dm with a lovely teen and you've hit a bump.
Things will sort out.
Good luck.

Some of these replies are absolutely insane.

I don't think there is anything to be gained by going over it all anymore, I'd honestly hide the thread!

Can you make a regular time for your dd, a few hours once a week where your partner takes the baby and the two of you get some proper time together.

Neither. She is a teenager and they can be selfish at times, plus she is probably subconsciously testing boundaries. I would have a chat with her and explain that whilst you may understand her frustration at the detour, you are doing this because you are supporting your sister through a difficult time which is what families do. I often find that if you explain the reasoning behind something then it is very difficult for teenagers to then disagree without looking silly or unreasonable. Ime anyway.

I feel for you. Having a new baby is hard without the added stress of an illness in the family.

But I think you’re massively underestimating the impact having a new half sibling could have on your 15 year old. She is now sharing her home with a baby who is both yours and her stepdad’s.

No matter how much she loves her sibling or gets on with her stepdad, this is a difficult thing to process for any teen. Go easy on her and reassure her that she is just as much a priority as your new child.