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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by Insta of late parents' home...

227 replies

harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:19

Last year my DM died very unexpectedly. She was my DF carer as he has dementia. DF had to go into a care home and the family home was sold. As you can imagine it was a very traumatic time.

Now, it was an absolute doer upper - I am under no illusions about that! Stuck firmly in the 80s as were my DP ;-) Sold on that basis. I didn't realise but the buyer is documenting the reno on Instagram and I was sent the link. I watched some of the videos last night and whilst I have absolutely no issues with any of the (long overdue) changes that they made, I was really upset by some of the voiceover - words used to describe different aspects of the house include "stinking" "minging" "dodgy" "awful" and so on. I had to stop watching.

I know it's their house and their perogative to do what they want with it but... It just feels so disrespectful. AIBU?

OP posts:
Francescaisstressed · 21/08/2021 09:23

Oh, I'm sorry you stumbled upon it. Ultimately it's there home now as they can do as they want, but understand how saddening it must be. I would suggest blocking them and forgetting about it, and keeping your memories or a happy loving home xx

Original poster
harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:24

Thanks @Francescaisstressed - that's exactly what my husband said. It doesn't help that we're approaching Mum's anniversary and everything just feels so raw. Sad

OP posts:
HoppingHamster · 21/08/2021 09:25

I’m saying YANBU to be upset, I’m sorry for your loss and all the trauma you have been through. However, I think you can only really say the new owner is BU if they knew that you would be in their audience when making the videos. Otherwise unfortunately yes, it’s never nice when people make derogatory comments, but ultimately they’re entitled to their opinion.

If I were you I’d try not to think about it and just remember the good times. Be happy that at least the house having sold takes a huge issue off your hands. If it was so bad it couldn’t sell, you’d be in far deeper water.

Best wishes to your Dad x

MagnoliaBeige · 21/08/2021 09:27

That must be so hard to watch and all wrapped up with your grief over a really tough situation, definitely block the account!

Original poster
harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:27

Thanks @HoppingHamster - and yes, the sale was a huge relief, albeit a bittersweet one!

OP posts:
CharlieBrown65 · 21/08/2021 09:28

This makes me sad. We have just bought a house and started an insta of our journey to redo it and I've always been so conscious of the words I use to describe it as i would hate to offend anyone. I would block and try not too look again which I imagine is difficult! Flowers

Thesearmsofmine · 21/08/2021 09:28

I get why it is upsetting but I just wouldn’t watch, block the account and try to forget about it. It probably hasn’t even crossed the persons mind that you might watch it.
I am sorry for the loss of your mum 💐

aiwblam · 21/08/2021 09:29

Do they know the ex-owner is in a care home with dementia? If so, I would say yes it’s disrespectful to use that kind of language. Rather than, “previous owners were elderly and in poor health so we have given this some tlc” type thing.

GullyGull · 21/08/2021 09:31

That's rough OP, really feel for you.

Agree best to just turn it off and block. Don't put yourself through it. Hold on to the positive memories you had of the family home.

LadyRoughDiamond · 21/08/2021 09:33

YANBU, people can be so thoughtless, and a house holds so many precious memories. Unfortunately home renovations can make every twat with a paintbrush think they’re Kelly Hoppen. I’d block, move on and focus on the happy memories you have of your time there 💐

Original poster
harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:33

Thank you all. I feel so weepy about it but I think you (and DH although I am definitely not going to tell him that!) are all right that I just need to block and try and forget.

Yes @aiwblam we were very open about the reason for the sale and the fact the house needed so much doing to it... Poor DM didn't really cope very well in the last couple of years, she had so many plates to spin and it definitely showed in the house.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 21/08/2021 09:33

Condolences.
I’m afraid I just don’t understand why you would watch it though (or why anyone would film it in the first place but that’s another thread).

Haudyourwheesht · 21/08/2021 09:34

I agree with others you should block, but I don't think it would be unreasonable to send them a message / comment first just reminding them that it is a family home with sentimental value, that they're publicly deriding. Hopefully get them to be a little more sensitive.

Reallyreallyborednow · 21/08/2021 09:36

Chances are they’re using over the top language for social media to make the change more dramatic. A clean but dated home doesn’t have the same impact as dirty, smelly, neglected etc.

I’d be tempted to leave a “nice” comment about how lovely it is to see someone breathing new life such a much loved home. It was always spotless but they never moved out of the 80’s! Or similar.

Camandmitch · 21/08/2021 09:36

If it's any consolation I have noticed that some other Instagram accounts have recently started calling people out for being disrespectful about the houses they are renovating.

SilverTimpani · 21/08/2021 09:36

Gosh I’m sorry - that must have been so distressing. Definitely block the account - they’re rude and insensitive people.

I’m so sorry about your mum. Look after yourself Flowers

Bobmonkfish · 21/08/2021 09:37

That's terrible. I bet your home was lovely. Please remember that person is doing those videos for show and a bit of self promotion. House buying and renovating has become very public and the boundaries for what is appropriate to say/do seem to have sadly vanished.

LakieLady · 21/08/2021 09:38

YANBU at all. Whoever's doing the work should have chosen their words more carefully, and whoever sent you the link maybe should have thought whether or not this was something that might be upsetting for you.

MaMelon · 21/08/2021 09:38

I’m so sorry you had to see that, that must have been really hard to watch. I had to sell my parents house last year too, Mum died a few years ago and Dad died there in very difficult circumstances - he had let the house snd garden go which was difficult enough to see, but if I thought that the lady who bought it was making a video of it and putting it on Instagram (just why???) and using words like that I would have been heartbroken like you. Ultimately it’s your family home with all your childhood memories tied up in it.

I know to the buyer there’s no emotional connection and it’s just bricks and mortar but you need to be mindful of the fact that anything you put on SM is in the public domain and can be seen by anyone. I think people forget that.

Don’t watch any more and try and remember the happy times in the house when it looked its best. I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

AngeloMysterioso · 21/08/2021 09:38

Who on earth sent you the link?! Surely they’d have known it was going to upset you…

SquirryTheSquirrel · 21/08/2021 09:38

I can imagine how upsetting that must be. Not quite the same thing but I came across my late grandparents' house on Rightmove - they died over 20 years ago - the house had been very old-fashioned (not updated since the 1970s) and since being sold had been completed modernised, with walls knocked out etc. It gave me a real jolt seeing it. I think in my head their house as it was when I grew up was still there, so seeing categorically that it wasn't was upsetting. I was extremely close to my grandparents.

If I'd seen that accompanied by the 'minging' type comments I would have been even more upset.

You mention it being disrespectful. The person won't have thought about their Instagram being seen by anyone with a personal connection to the house. To them, it's just an out of date house that they're enjoying renovating. I imagine if the circumstances were different and they knew the family the house had belonged to, they'd probably be more tactful, but it won't have crossed their minds that anyone personally connected could see it.

girlmom21 · 21/08/2021 09:38

I feel really sad for you that they were being so rude but it says a lot about the kind of people they are.

I agree with the others - block the account and try to forget about it

Bettysnow · 21/08/2021 09:38

So sorry this is causing you distressFlowers I think you have to keep in mind that essentially it is bricks and mortar that needs renovated. The new owners are likely using these words to describe aspects of deterioration and in no way are reflective of any past owners.
Remember when they have lived their time in the property someone else will buy it and say exactly the same things.
I agree with previous poster in that you should stop watching it if its causing you distress

Chicchicchicchiclana · 21/08/2021 09:39

Who sent you the link?

OrangeElk · 21/08/2021 09:39

YANBU, I would feel exactly the same, are the renovators young? Maybe they simply don't have the life experience to know how things can get difficult for people, or aren't quite mature enough to be empathetic rather than gung ho.

I also think they are pretty insensitive being publically rude as homes are recognisable, it doesn't take much imagination to realise that somebody knowing your parents (not even you, their friends/neighbours) could stumble across it.