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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by Insta of late parents' home...

227 replies

harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:19

Last year my DM died very unexpectedly. She was my DF carer as he has dementia. DF had to go into a care home and the family home was sold. As you can imagine it was a very traumatic time.

Now, it was an absolute doer upper - I am under no illusions about that! Stuck firmly in the 80s as were my DP ;-) Sold on that basis. I didn't realise but the buyer is documenting the reno on Instagram and I was sent the link. I watched some of the videos last night and whilst I have absolutely no issues with any of the (long overdue) changes that they made, I was really upset by some of the voiceover - words used to describe different aspects of the house include "stinking" "minging" "dodgy" "awful" and so on. I had to stop watching.

I know it's their house and their perogative to do what they want with it but... It just feels so disrespectful. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bobmonkfish · 21/08/2021 09:40

she had so many plates to spin and it definitely showed in the house.

And you sold it on that basis. So insensitive of the buyer to publicise it in this way. We'd all struggle with our houses under that sort of stress. I struggle with mine under none at times. Flowers

EllieQ · 21/08/2021 09:42

YANBU. They are being thoughtless and unkind. I have a similar thing with my mum’s house, and it is hard to see your childhood home being taken apart like that.

It’s like those posts on the Property Board where someone posts a Rightmove link to take the piss out of a house with old-fashioned decor, when it’s obvious that the house belonged to an older person who didn’t redecorate every two years. I think it’s unkind Sad

Original poster
harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:42

For those asking my auntie sent me the link - she's nearly 90 and not very technological (her granddaughter had sent it to her!) so I think was just excited to see the pictures and hadn't watched or listened to the videos... Bless her. I genuinely don't think she had realised.

OP posts:
Original poster
harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:42

@OrangeElk no, they're in their 40s by the look of them

OP posts:
spartanthehorse · 21/08/2021 09:43

That's horrible. We bought a doer upper last year and so I follow a lot of renovation accounts on insta and I've often thought how rude and disrespectful a lot of them are about the previous owners. Fair enough change and modernise the property but don't be rude about something which is just not your taste. I've unfollowed a few because it made me uncomfortable.

Girasole02 · 21/08/2021 09:44

I renovated my Dad's home/ my childhood home after my Dad's sudden death. He'd never really moved on after losing Mom and the house was dated. The way some tradespeople described it in relation to the work they were doing was just awful and very insensitive. I did tell them the circumstances and asked them that if they wished to continue working on the job, they needed to keep their comments to themselves! Also when Nan had to vacate her house to go into a home due to dementia/end of life care, we had a clearance company who were taking a hammer to possessions whilst still in the property. I have never got over this. Some people really do lack any sensitivity and my heart goes out to you.

MilkTrayheaven · 21/08/2021 09:47

YANBU, I can completely understand why you’re upset.

I have to admit though, I have a renovation account, I don’t think the old owners are on Instagram (I did a quick search before I started the account and couldn’t find them, and they’re in their early 60’s and not really ‘social media’ people.) I have tried to be kind in my posts as I know they COULD potentially see it as it’s a public account and they are such lovely people. BUT, they weren’t poor or old and frail, they had simply just let the house get into such a state of disrepair through sheer neglect and had never updated anything so it was all late 80’s decor and bathrooms, kitchen etc. All the window panes had holes in (which obviously we weren’t aware of until we moved in) it’s MUCH more of a project than we initially thought. We ripped one of the bathrooms out the other week and I did the before/ after on Instagram and without thinking I did describe the old one as a ‘monstrosity’ as it really was just avocado suite, Lino floored....urgh.

Ultimately it’s no offence to them, I’m sure they’d agree as they wanted to move to somewhere ‘more modern’ so they were fully aware.

So yes, I try to be kind but honestly it’s really hard to be complimentary about the before’s as they’re just so bad.

But I know if I was in the same situation as you OP, I’d be feeling exactly the same. I would block the account and not look any further, they’re not doing it to deliberately hurt you or your family, they’re just being a bit thoughtless.

DupontsLark · 21/08/2021 09:47

Unfortunately home renovations can make every twat with a paintbrush think they’re Kelly Hoppen

Grin True!

When I'm watching Instagram renovations (why?) I sometimes think of the previous occupants whose tastes the new owners are mocking. The decoration would have been on trend when they were lovingly doing it back then. The newbies aren't being original, just following current trends and one day someone with look with disdain at their faux panelling, highly decorative tiling, grey walls and 3 pendant lamps over the kitchen island.

FlappyFish · 21/08/2021 09:47

I’d have to comment. I’d just have to. I also wouldn’t be all fluffy.

I’d clearly say I was the previous owners daughter, they bought it knowing it was a doer upper and whilst it is their house to do as they wish now, it was your parents much loved home.

DupontsLark · 21/08/2021 09:50

@MilkTrayheaven - give us a link to your account.

christinarossetti19 · 21/08/2021 09:50

This must be very distressing for you.

Just block the account. There's nothing to be gained by engaging with it - it won't help your grief.

Hold on to your memories of your family home.

ShuddaBeenMe · 21/08/2021 09:50

Block them. They've just using hyperbole to get followers.

Sorry about your mum Thanks

Eralos · 21/08/2021 09:50

I saw something like this on Stacey Solomons Instagram and she’s absolutely slates her current home and how she’s improving it which she is but I think, is she not embarrassed that the people she brought from will most likely see her insult all their choices! Yanbu op it’s insensitive.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 21/08/2021 09:52

I did describe the old one as a ‘monstrosity’ as it really was just avocado suite, Lino floored

An avocado suite isn't really a 'monstrosity' - they were all the rage in the 80s. It's no more of a monstrosity than a white suite, it's just that people are used to seeing whatever is in fashion at the time.

Personally, I predict the imminent return of coloured bathroom suites.

Essexgirlupnorth · 21/08/2021 09:53

YANBU we sold my Grandma's house after she went in to a care home (lucky we did as just completed before first lockdown) it was a do upper but it sold to a man who was doing it up for his daughter. Part of me would like to see what has been done as could be lovely but haven't gone looking as have fond memories however the new owner did contact us when he round some things in the loft space we had missed when we cleared the house.

However a house near me which definitely had a elderly lady living in sold to a property developer who from looking at her social media (saw her one day outside the house with a sign and a camera crew in tow blocking the pavement) just saw it as a deal and going on about how much money she is going to make from it.
I think it is hard when someone has no emotional attachment to a house but some respect to the previous owners especially if they know the circumstances of the sale.

forfucksakenett · 21/08/2021 09:54

@Haudyourwheesht

I agree with others you should block, but I don't think it would be unreasonable to send them a message / comment first just reminding them that it is a family home with sentimental value, that they're publicly deriding. Hopefully get them to be a little more sensitive.
100% this. I would absolutely message them first.

Are they very young? I worry I might have been guilty of this kind of thoughtlessness in my early twenties but I definitely wouldn't now. We bought a doer upper and I was very aware it was someone's much loved family home. We didn't document it or anything but I never said anything negative about the decor.

ancientgran · 21/08/2021 09:54

@MilkTrayheaven

YANBU, I can completely understand why you’re upset.

I have to admit though, I have a renovation account, I don’t think the old owners are on Instagram (I did a quick search before I started the account and couldn’t find them, and they’re in their early 60’s and not really ‘social media’ people.) I have tried to be kind in my posts as I know they COULD potentially see it as it’s a public account and they are such lovely people. BUT, they weren’t poor or old and frail, they had simply just let the house get into such a state of disrepair through sheer neglect and had never updated anything so it was all late 80’s decor and bathrooms, kitchen etc. All the window panes had holes in (which obviously we weren’t aware of until we moved in) it’s MUCH more of a project than we initially thought. We ripped one of the bathrooms out the other week and I did the before/ after on Instagram and without thinking I did describe the old one as a ‘monstrosity’ as it really was just avocado suite, Lino floored....urgh.

Ultimately it’s no offence to them, I’m sure they’d agree as they wanted to move to somewhere ‘more modern’ so they were fully aware.

So yes, I try to be kind but honestly it’s really hard to be complimentary about the before’s as they’re just so bad.

But I know if I was in the same situation as you OP, I’d be feeling exactly the same. I would block the account and not look any further, they’re not doing it to deliberately hurt you or your family, they’re just being a bit thoughtless.

How could you not notice holes in panes of glass in every window? Can't quite get my head round that.
glitterelf · 21/08/2021 09:56

Sorry for your loss we too are fast approaching the 1st anniversary of my Mil's passing and so many things have changed in her home the difference is that my Sil owns the house now so every chance has been done delicately even though it was long overdue.
I think that many new home owners forget that most houses come with lots of history and that when posting judgemental comments online that they don't know who their audience is and should be mindful of that fact.
I can understand why you would want to see what's being done as that house holds so many memories for you and seeing the transformation and love and care going into it can be uplifting.
Be mindful that you are probably really sensitive right now so be kind to yourself Thanks

Original poster
harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:56

Yes @FlappyFish I think they've totally lost sight of the fact it was someone else's much loved home before theirs... Sad

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 21/08/2021 09:57

why would somebody send you the link?
please delete the link and keep your own memories

FlibbertyGibbitt · 21/08/2021 09:58

Oh op that’s awful. I used to go by my parents home and see that the new buyer had skipped stuff from there. Stupid I know but it broke my heart. Has to stop driving past. I’m so sorry for you, it’s very hard.

ancientgran · 21/08/2021 09:59

I've often thought of this when watching property programmes. It isn't nice is it. I always wonder if some poor soul is sitting thinking their treasured feature whatever is being described as horrible.

I do like the American programme Buying and Selling, they do a house up to sell it and make fun of it to the owners who are selling and it is light hearted and funny and they show them what can be done to the house. They do a lovely job but I wouldn't want them to do my house up, they seem to knock out every wall and if you can't see the whole of the ground floor when you open the door they don't approve.

OP I'd stop looking.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2021 09:59

I would comment. It doesn’t have to be rude. It can simply say ‘The lady, who used to own your home moved to residential care. Luckily she is too frail to see these videos as she would be incredibly upset. She was always a very house proud and private lady.’

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 21/08/2021 10:01

This might not be the best idea but I would send the new owners a message, asking them to consider their language when describing what was once a much-loved family home. You could add that you wish them all happiness in the home and that you are excited to see how they make it their own (if you are, of course) but it would do them no harm to be reminded of some basic decency.

Hollyhead · 21/08/2021 10:01

You should absolutely message them to remind them of the language used. You could even compliment them on what they’ve done but just ask them to be more sensitive. I always call our renovation accounts that are unnecessarily derisory about the previous choices.

Not to mention there are plenty of people living in homes with ‘minging’ light fittings/decor etc they can’t afford to replace. It must feel shit for them too.