AIBU to be upset by Insta of late parents' home...

[harriethoyle]

Last year my DM died very unexpectedly. She was my DF carer as he has dementia. DF had to go into a care home and the family home was sold. As you can imagine it was a very traumatic time.

Now, it was an absolute doer upper - I am under no illusions about that! Stuck firmly in the 80s as were my DP ;-) Sold on that basis. I didn't realise but the buyer is documenting the reno on Instagram and I was sent the link. I watched some of the videos last night and whilst I have absolutely no issues with any of the (long overdue) changes that they made, I was really upset by some of the voiceover - words used to describe different aspects of the house include "stinking" "minging" "dodgy" "awful" and so on. I had to stop watching.

I know it's their house and their perogative to do what they want with it but... It just feels so disrespectful. AIBU?

YABU to watch. It’s their house, and these days a lot of people love to watch houses being made over, especially when they need a lot of work. You are not their target audience — I’m sure they wouldn’t be saying these things to you directly. You don’t need to watch and shouldn’t.

By contrast, I live next door to my childhood home, which also needed a lot of work when the new owners bought it 20 years ago. It’s desperately sad every day to see it growing ever more neglected. People are generally surprised to find out that anyone lives there now because it looks so derelict. So I think it’s a good thing that your parents’ home is being loved and cared for and enjoyed, even if the videos of it have been upsetting.

Sorry for your loss. But as you say it was stuck in the 80s and probably did need a big overhaul. They won’t be trying to deliberately upset you.
You have to stop looking

That would really upset me too.

To them it’s a house, to you it’s a home. Massive difference.

I was going to say YABU because I thought you meant the Instagram but I now don’t think you are. Fair enough out the Reno on there but I think they could have done it without the derogatory comments. Totally unnecessary.
I know how you feel. Currently selling my mam’s house for the same reason. Her house n Ed’s gutted to, but I would find derogatory comments about my loving family home upsetting.
I wouldn’t look at it again and try to forget about it xx

Maybe she has watched the videos and doesn’t care.

Some people are not emotional about houses as they are just that, a house. The memories you have are still your memories of that house and the joyous time you had while it was your home but it’s just bricks and motor at the end of the day.

A water leak under a kick board for example could leave what they find back their minging/gross or whatever but that would be no reflection of your mother as leaks can go unnoticed and not many people remove their kick boards to clean behind. I’ve pulled off wallpaper in my own house and found some mould where a wall had obviously got damp I called it disgusting and gross because it was only to myself but that’s because I don’t use Instagram really.

Do you have and family photographs of your home in happier times, maybe it could help a little to sit, relax and look at them for awhile. Try to put the renovation video out of your mind and remember your family home at its happiest.

@harriethoyle

Yes *@FlappyFish* I think they've totally lost sight of the fact it was someone else's much loved home before theirs...

In fairness, OP, it’s entirely different if they didn’t know the daughter of the former owners was in their ‘audience’ — I thought from your OP the new owners had sent you the link, which would be pretty insensitive. As it is, they just bought some bricks and mortar that had been poorly maintained for years, as you acknowledge, was very dated, and needs a lot of work. No one firms an emotional connection to the previous owners of a house unless they knew them. The adult son of the deceased former owners of the house before last we bought lived locally and would ave been able to observe on a daily basis us stripping out his parents terrible decor — including a freshly carpeted bathroom — but it’s how it goes. We just sold it a few weeks ago and someone is probably stripping out the floor DS learned to walk on, the bathroom we put in etc and all our sentimental attachments. The house we’ve just bought has been spectacularly ill-maintained for a generation (seller in her 50s, so not elderly or ill) and I’ve made no secret of that, so it’s probably got back to her..

Any not and.

There’s a woman who runs an interior design company on Instagram who recently moved to a home I think in bucks and is doing similar on her own Reno. I was just thinking the other day how awful it’d be for the previous owners to see as show totally slates their old home. She seems otherwise nice but this is completely tone deaf.

@Hollyhead

You should absolutely message them to remind them of the language used. You could even compliment them on what they’ve done but just ask them to be more sensitive. I always call our renovation accounts that are unnecessarily derisory about the previous choices.

Not to mention there are plenty of people living in homes with ‘minging’ light fittings/decor etc they can’t afford to replace. It must feel shit for them too.

This.

They are entitled to do what they want with the house, and think what they like about it too, but putting those thoughts in the public domain is quite rude.

I would maybe message them and say what you have here - that you are excited to see what they are doing with the house and loving watching it getting a much-needed dose of tlc, but that some of the way they refer to the previous occupants choices is quite hurtful. They'd have to be monsters not to see your point.

Sorry to hear this Op, very sad.

You have to ask why people take to instagram to publicise doing up a house. And if they are they should be very mindful of the manner in which they approach it.

Yanbu to feel upset about this. We bought a reno project house and whilst it needed a lot of updating, the reason I loved it was that it was so well loved by the previous owners. We’ve kept a small patch of their old wall paper on the side of the staircase as nod to the house’s history (hardly noticeable unless you know it’s there!).

Honestly I think that kind of thoughtless, insensitive and downright rude and disrespecful language is appalling. I would send them a very polite message on the insta explaining who you are and how hurtful you find the way they are describing the home and ask if they could possibly use kinder language. #bekind etc etc.

So sorry for your sadness

Also I think if the account is open with #s etc to publicise, they can absolutely and should absolutely assume that someone connected to the account will view thier posts.

YANBU
In a similar way I'm often surprised at how Kirsty Allsopp describes houses on tv when it's quite possible the owner who's selling it is going to be watching.
Things date and some fashions (clothes and homes) were horrendous...but who's to say in 40 years time whatever the current owners are doing might not be described as awful...? People do up their homes to their taste, and to make a home that they will enjoy living in and sometimes may not , (for any number of reasons ) update or maintain to the highest standard but I think its insensitive to use derogatory comments, particularly as they know the circumstances.

Sorry typo, connected to the house

I was thinking about this the other day as everyone & their dog wants to reno their house on insta. I will be sad when the family home is sold, I'll certainly be sad if people were slagging it off on sm. Most older houses need some updating of some sort.

What is wrong with people? Why wouldn’t you just get on with your renovations, instead of assuming anyone else is remotely interested in what you are doing except to laugh at how awful you are - unless you are wealthy and/or famous, in which case one imagines there would be a fair few enthusiastic burglars in the audience.

Someone did this in our local paper. People piled on to point out that it was old and dated, but the language was unnecessary. I'd comment and message them.

Certainly if I used such disrespectful language about someone's home on sm I could face potential repercussions.
Its just as bad as saying something disrespectful on twitter.

You aren’t unreasonable to be upset, but you need to just let it go and put it out of your head.

You can’t expect the buyer to have the sentimental attachment to your old home and it’s decor as you do.

BUT, they weren’t poor or old and frail, they had simply just let the house get into such a state of disrepair through sheer neglect and had never updated anything so it was all late 80’s decor and bathrooms, kitchen etc.

So what though? A lot of people don't update every decade & perhaps there were reasons they neglected things.

From my employer, I meant to add

It seems to be the done thing when renovating on social media to make the transformation seem as extreme as possible by making the ‘before’ sound like a total wreck. One of the Insta mum influencers got caught out doing exactly this when the previous owners of her house posted the sale photos and made it very clear that they had done the dusty and dirty work of restoring the building, and that the influencer had just put up some very loud wallpaper.

I always think of this when I see those kinds of accounts. I think people should be much kinder about the past inhabitants of a home. I'm not surprised you're upset