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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pushy mother in law

175 replies

BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:09

Would love to get another opinion on my situation, I am due to give birth in October my husband is working away so won’t be there for the birth or till after baby is a few months old , my husbands family is from up north I am down south , They keep pressuring me now to ask me what day I will be going up after I have the baby to which I have responded I can’t give them a day as I don’t know how my labour will go and how il be feeling etc , I have opened the doors and said they are more then welcome to come down here which they are , but his grandmother cannot make the trip which she keeps moaning about , anyway I do plan on going up but they want me to stay in there house which I really really don’t want to I would rather get a hotel or serviced apartment and go see them every day with the baby , is this unreasonable? They have huge stairs in theirs and to be honest it’s not just that I just want my own space at the end of the day , I think I am being fair as I am making the trip up there and making an effort so is it really rude that I want my own space with a new born baby? I don’t mind going up there I just can’t bare the thought of not being able to switch off at the end of the day with my baby , his grandmother has already told me she will be ordering a crib for the baby for when we go to stay after I give birth so they are assuming I am going to stay with them, I am really stressing out about telling them , am I wrong ?

OP posts:
Babynames2 · 21/08/2021 09:18

YANBU. Just book a place before you go and then tell them the dates and say there is no need for them to sort accommodation as you have that covered.

And don’t go until you’re ready, his grandmother will have to wait.

Musmerian · 21/08/2021 09:19

I would stay in your own home where you feel comfortable. If they want to see the baby they can come to you (but limit the visit). What about your own parents? Think about what You want first and foremost. The first weeks with a newborn are magical but tough and you don’t want people interfering or being judgmental. Good luck.

smashionaltreasure · 21/08/2021 09:22

They sound like they're harassing you. That's not acceptable. Do exactly what's right for you and the baby.

MouseInCatsClaws · 21/08/2021 09:23

honestly I wouldn't commit to anything until you see how you settle after the baby is born. Explain this to them once and keep repeating it. I wouldn't worry about their feelings because they are clearly unworried about yours!

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:26

@MouseInCatsClaws

honestly I wouldn't commit to anything until you see how you settle after the baby is born. Explain this to them once and keep repeating it. I wouldn't worry about their feelings because they are clearly unworried about yours!
Exactly how I feel , all they care about is the baby they think I'm having the baby for them I'm sure of it . How can I plan what day I'm going up after giving birth , all my friends say it's unheard of a woman leaving her own surroundings that first few weeks after birth ! Thanks for sharing your view X
OP posts:
harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:26

YANBU and I think your solution of a serviced apartment is a really good one.

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:27

@Babynames2

YANBU. Just book a place before you go and then tell them the dates and say there is no need for them to sort accommodation as you have that covered.

And don’t go until you’re ready, his grandmother will have to wait.

Thank you ! Really don't feel comfortable staying with them there to over bearing and I want my own space X
OP posts:
SeriousNotions · 21/08/2021 09:28

I’ve no contact with my mil for so many issues. I came here to say yanbu.
Honestly you’ve no idea how you’ll feel in the days and weeks after the birth.
Don’t make a big drama of it now. Play it down. Say thanks for all their offers. Keep the door open. I never want anything to do with my mil again and sadly my kids have one less granny.
Your in-laws are excited for the baby. It’s a new member of their family.
Keep repeating “ I can wait for you all to meet the new baby when I’ve recovered and up to travel” then make plans to go on your terms.

Winter2020 · 21/08/2021 09:29

Don't underestimate the amount of packing you would have to do for the trip and how tricky packing up and driving will be on your own with a tiny baby - stopping regularly for feeds and nappy changes. You really won't want to do it for a while after baby comes. You are right to commit to nothing. Just be firm you won't be coming until you and baby are up to the trip. Don't be pressured when that is. It might be best to plan a trip for when your partner is back. They can visit you in the meantime (staying at a hotel). Even for visits to you I wouldn't have inlaws stay with you for the first couple of weeks/months when you may be sore/sleepless/ trying to establish breastfeeding etc.

DismantledKing · 21/08/2021 09:29

No, fuck that. You need to be in your own environment with your support network around you.

frazzledasarock · 21/08/2021 09:29

You’ll need to stay in your area at least till midwives with you off and hand over to the health visitor.

Then you’ll need to be around for yours and baby’s six week check.

Tell them you’ll make arrangements once you know how you are medically.

And I would definitely book into somewhere you can retreat to that is your own space.

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:30

@harriethoyle

YANBU and I think your solution of a serviced apartment is a really good one.
Yes I just feel rude but I think I'm being fair in going up there , I am going to have to deal with all people I don't really know that well coming in an out an pawing over my baby , (they have a massive family) I just want to switch off at the end of the night , also don't want to be confined to a tiny bed room with a new born baby I want a bit of space . Thanks for your view xx
OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 21/08/2021 09:30

Midwives sign you off

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:30

@frazzledasarock

Midwives sign you off
What do you mean? X
OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 21/08/2021 09:31

Just no. They’re completely unreasonable. Your husband needs to tell them to get off your back.

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:32

Do you think I tell them now or wait till the baby is here and not make a big deal out of it ?

OP posts:
FartleBarfle · 21/08/2021 09:32

We have had my in-laws asking the same. We are on our third child so less willing to bend over backwards to please them like we were with our first, and more keen to set boundaries.l and expectations.

We have said that we will not be travelling up to them as they are too far away. Babies shouldn't be in a car seat for more than an hour a day in the first 6 months - plus travelling any length with a newborn can be a nightmare enough! Its too far and too stressful for us, knowing how difficult it is to travel anywhere with a newborn, let alone with two extra kids now! They are more than welcome to come to visit us and meet the baby at a time that suits them. If they don't want to do make that effort themselves we understand and will come to see them as soon as it is reasonably possible to do so.

I would not be considering travelling up there alone in the early stages. Having done similar journeys with my first two, my memories are them not settling, screaming in the car, soiling themselves, and having to make multiple stops to breastfeed / change them. It cast a shadow over the events we travelled to. However, after 6 months of age it was a lot easier to do longer trips.

We have just had 18 months where relatives have not been able to see each other and welcome new family members. It's been hard but many of us have coped perfectly well. I have a great relationship with my one year old nephew who I only saw via Zoom for the first 8 months or so. I think it's shown me that meeting a baby the moment it's born is overrated and unnecessary. Arrange a virtual meetup instead!

Howshouldibehave · 21/08/2021 09:33

We didn’t drive up north to see DH’s parents for nearly a year after having DC-I don’t think we could have done! I was a mess post section, DC never slept and screamed on car journeys, we would have had to pack sooo much stuff and there’s no way I’d have done it alone. They came to see us a few times and stayed overnight in a hotel.

I’d tell them now you won’t be doing it yet as you don’t know what things will be like for you. They can get stuffed if grandma doesn’t like it. Be firm-say no.

What does your DH say? When will he become available again?

Winter2020 · 21/08/2021 09:34

Quote "all they care about is the baby they think I'm having the baby"

They are excited to meet the baby but it's not caring or considerate to push for a new baby to travel hours with a sole carer. No consideration for comfort of mother or baby, changes, feeds, weather...

They are thinking about themselves.

frazzledasarock · 21/08/2021 09:35

Sorry @BellaBelle1234 I meant you’ll need to wait till midwives sign you off. They’ll be coming around pretty regularly after birth to check on you and baby, to do the heel prick test, one of my babies I had to go back in for the hearing test. They will sign you and baby off and handover to health visitor once your baby has made back the birth weight.

Then you have a six week check at GP.

Also you have no idea how much or little healing you’ll need after giving birth.

I’d tell them you’ll see how you feel physically

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/08/2021 09:36

I think you need to be less bothered about offending them.

I'd start of assuming they are just excited about the baby, worried great-grandma won't get to meet the baby and a bit concerned about you being on your own.

However, once you have told them that you feel pressured by them and you won't put up with that. Telll them they can visit x days after the baby is born and you need a hotel and that when you feel upto the journey you will travel to them and stay where you feel comfortable not where they want you to stay. After this if they don't accept what are very limited conditions then engage with them a lot less.

Good luck with the baby x

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:38

@frazzledasarock

Sorry *@BellaBelle1234* I meant you’ll need to wait till midwives sign you off. They’ll be coming around pretty regularly after birth to check on you and baby, to do the heel prick test, one of my babies I had to go back in for the hearing test. They will sign you and baby off and handover to health visitor once your baby has made back the birth weight.

Then you have a six week check at GP.

Also you have no idea how much or little healing you’ll need after giving birth.

I’d tell them you’ll see how you feel physically

Oh so I can blame it on the midwives ha good to know ! Exactly ! there is no thought to how I am going to be after giving birth , it's my first to ! Thank you x
OP posts:
Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:40

@Disfordarkchocolate

I think you need to be less bothered about offending them.

I'd start of assuming they are just excited about the baby, worried great-grandma won't get to meet the baby and a bit concerned about you being on your own.

However, once you have told them that you feel pressured by them and you won't put up with that. Telll them they can visit x days after the baby is born and you need a hotel and that when you feel upto the journey you will travel to them and stay where you feel comfortable not where they want you to stay. After this if they don't accept what are very limited conditions then engage with them a lot less.

Good luck with the baby x

Thank you so much I am so glad I posted on here , I am going to be more firm xx
OP posts:
Babynames2 · 21/08/2021 09:41

Do you think I tell them now or wait till the baby is here and not make a big deal out of it?

Just say for now that you are happy to visit when you can (if you are!) but that you won’t be travelling with a tiny baby or until you are up to it but you’ll sort something after the baby is born.

You can’t commit to any set day yet anyway. Baby could be early or late, and then as a pp said there’s midwife appointments. I wasn’t signed off from midwife visits with DD1 until she was nearly 5 weeks as she lost too much weight. With DD2 it was 2 weeks. You can’t predict how it will go.

Then there’s if you end up with a c-section, you can’t drive until 6 weeks after. So if you’re planning on driving then that won’t work either. And even if no c-section you shouldn’t be having a newborn in a car seat for long periods of time anyway, you need regular stops which would be a nightmare with you and a young baby (and being tired, not exactly safe!). I had stitches and could not have sat in a car for hours until a good month or so later.

They’re being really unreasonable here. People should travel to the person with the baby, not the other way around.

Are you able to speak to your partner about this? Point out all these things and tell him they will need to travel to you instead. Why can’t his grandmother travel?

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 21/08/2021 09:42

That sounds like far top much pressure and stress I'd being put on you. You should be enjoying your pregnancy and not having to worry about this. Have you spoken to your husband about what they've said and how you feel. I always think honesty is the best policy so i would tell them (in no uncertain terms) that you can't give a date or even have any idea of when you will visit as you don't know how you will feel/cope after the birth and with a newborn baby. Not only that but you will be going through the first few months alone. If you are happy to travel there (that may well change after the baby arrives) then i think you just need to see how things go after the baby is born. With regards to accommodation it's best to tell them straight that you will not be staying with them and you will be booking somewhere to stay as you want your own space either your baby, that is totally understandable and reasonable. They don't seem to be considering how you will feel so please don't waste too much time worrying about them. Things like this should really be arranged once the baby is here. Congratulations and good luck op 🎉💐👶🏼🍼

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