Pushy mother in law

[BellaBelle1234]

Would love to get another opinion on my situation, I am due to give birth in October my husband is working away so won’t be there for the birth or till after baby is a few months old , my husbands family is from up north I am down south , They keep pressuring me now to ask me what day I will be going up after I have the baby to which I have responded I can’t give them a day as I don’t know how my labour will go and how il be feeling etc , I have opened the doors and said they are more then welcome to come down here which they are , but his grandmother cannot make the trip which she keeps moaning about , anyway I do plan on going up but they want me to stay in there house which I really really don’t want to I would rather get a hotel or serviced apartment and go see them every day with the baby , is this unreasonable? They have huge stairs in theirs and to be honest it’s not just that I just want my own space at the end of the day , I think I am being fair as I am making the trip up there and making an effort so is it really rude that I want my own space with a new born baby? I don’t mind going up there I just can’t bare the thought of not being able to switch off at the end of the day with my baby , his grandmother has already told me she will be ordering a crib for the baby for when we go to stay after I give birth so they are assuming I am going to stay with them, I am really stressing out about telling them , am I wrong ?

@Howshouldibehave

We didn’t drive up north to see DH’s parents for nearly a year after having DC-I don’t think we could have done! I was a mess post section, DC never slept and screamed on car journeys, we would have had to pack sooo much stuff and there’s no way I’d have done it alone. They came to see us a few times and stayed overnight in a hotel.

I’d tell them now you won’t be doing it yet as you don’t know what things will be like for you. They can get stuffed if grandma doesn’t like it. Be firm-say no.

What does your DH say? When will he become available again?

Thank you for sharing your similar situation , and for sharing the car seat fact to ! Never knew this , this just seals it for me , I think if they want to see the baby they can come down here , I have made it very clear they are welcome , I'm not prepared to risk bringing a tiny baby up there , there to fragile xxxx

@FartleBarfle

We have had my in-laws asking the same. We are on our third child so less willing to bend over backwards to please them like we were with our first, and more keen to set boundaries.l and expectations.

We have said that we will not be travelling up to them as they are too far away. Babies shouldn't be in a car seat for more than an hour a day in the first 6 months - plus travelling any length with a newborn can be a nightmare enough! Its too far and too stressful for us, knowing how difficult it is to travel anywhere with a newborn, let alone with two extra kids now! They are more than welcome to come to visit us and meet the baby at a time that suits them. If they don't want to do make that effort themselves we understand and will come to see them as soon as it is reasonably possible to do so.

I would not be considering travelling up there alone in the early stages. Having done similar journeys with my first two, my memories are them not settling, screaming in the car, soiling themselves, and having to make multiple stops to breastfeed / change them. It cast a shadow over the events we travelled to. However, after 6 months of age it was a lot easier to do longer trips.

We have just had 18 months where relatives have not been able to see each other and welcome new family members. It's been hard but many of us have coped perfectly well. I have a great relationship with my one year old nephew who I only saw via Zoom for the first 8 months or so. I think it's shown me that meeting a baby the moment it's born is overrated and unnecessary. Arrange a virtual meetup instead!

Thank you for sharing your similar situation , and for sharing the car seat fact to ! Never knew this , this just seals it for me , I think if they want to see the baby they can come down here , I have made it very clear they are welcome , I'm not prepared to risk bringing a tiny baby up there , there to fragile xxxx

Now way. You are being too good about this if you ask me OP. You don't need to do this. You say no. Your DH doesn't need to be at home to talk to his family.

"Grandma, my DW won't be bringing our newborn to stay with you postpartum. You can come down yourself and see the baby, or you will have to wait until I am home myself when we will both bring our child to see you.".

How are you going to even do this? How will you drive all the way there with a newborn? You can't have a newborn in a car seat all day. You might not be able to drive yourself for weeks if you don't have an easy birth.

"No, I won't be coming up to stay with you. Don't buy a cot because baby won't be staying at yours. You can come down to see baby when it's born. Any more questions please speak to DH, I'm heavily pregnant and don't need the stress.".

The posters above saying after you are signed off from the midwife is a good one. Try something like 'Please stop. I am not talking about or making plans until after I am signed off by the midwife. If you keep pressuring me on this, I will have to hang up'

Yes, it's blunt. But they are pressuring you and they need to know. You are not a brood mare. You have feelings too and they should respect them.

Good luck OP

Why can’t his grandmother travel? It is likely going to be easier to get her to you than you to do a long journey on your own with a newborn. You’d be stopping every hour, likely to be sleep deprived and knackered, will be needing to feed. There were a number of days I didn’t feel safe to drive with both of mine at that age.

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

Now way. You are being too good about this if you ask me OP. You don't need to do this. You say no. Your DH doesn't need to be at home to talk to his family.

"Grandma, my DW won't be bringing our newborn to stay with you postpartum. You can come down yourself and see the baby, or you will have to wait until I am home myself when we will both bring our child to see you.".

How are you going to even do this? How will you drive all the way there with a newborn? You can't have a newborn in a car seat all day. You might not be able to drive yourself for weeks if you don't have an easy birth.

"No, I won't be coming up to stay with you. Don't buy a cot because baby won't be staying at yours. You can come down to see baby when it's born. Any more questions please speak to DH, I'm heavily pregnant and don't need the stress.".

Oh I love this , I am getting more pissed off now thinking about what they expect off me !! I was going to bring my sister an she was going to drive but now I am thinking I really don't think it's right bringing a brand new baby that far , and the car seat situation I never knew ! That just worries me even more and gives me the excuse I need . If they want to come down my door is open they are more then welcome , can't be much fairer then that can I x

I'd tell them you won't be travelling until your DH is home, as you can't travel long distances alone with a baby.

I'm not sure I'd want to do it with a toddler, either, tbh.

Can't your husband deal with this? Why is it up to you to negotiate with his pushy family? He should be handling these conversations and putting a stop to it. I understand he works away but presumably he is still contactable?

Don't feel you need to bow to their demands out of politeness. They are certainly not being at all polite or considerate of you or your baby, so you owe them nothing in return. I'd actually be very angry in your shoes that they are placing all these demands for their own selfish reasons without any care for their DIL or GC.

Tell them - firmly! - that you will try and visit with the baby at some point in the first few months if you can. That's obviously if you actually want to. Tell them that you will see how things go and that you will need to be around at home for midwife and HV appointments anyway so cannot possibly commit to anything until you know when these will be, which won't be until after the baby arrives. Tell them - again, firmly! - that if you come you will sort your own accommodation thank you. No need to give any reasons. If they push, just repeat that you would rather have your own space. No further explanation required.

Just keep repeating the above when they get pushy. And if they really keep going on, I'd just say actually on second thoughts I am going to wait until DH is back and we will come up together. This is too much pressure I am already going to be single handedly parenting a newborn and don't need the added hassle from family who are supposed to care for us. It was a big ask from you for me to travel solo with a tiny baby anyway but I was willing to do so, however all these extra demands are too much. You know where we are if you want to come down for a short visit.

@Catflapkitkat

The posters above saying after you are signed off from the midwife is a good one. Try something like 'Please stop. I am not talking about or making plans until after I am signed off by the midwife. If you keep pressuring me on this, I will have to hang up'

Yes, it's blunt. But they are pressuring you and they need to know. You are not a brood mare. You have feelings too and they should respect them.

Good luck OP

Thank you love this ! X

Also yes the car seat is an issue as others have said. When I last had a newborn I think it was 90 mins or 2 hours maximum stretch in a car seat. We had to do a long journey (unavoidable) with a 7 week old and it took forever because we had to keep stopping to give the baby some time out of the car seat every so often.

Fuck that shit!

Travelling solo with a newborn is bad enough anyway! What does your DH say? Just tell them you can’t commit it depends on how you and baby are and if you come you’ll book into a hotel but the are welcome to come and stay in a hotel here.

Imagine driving with a screaming newborn sleep deprived and not being able to stop on a motorway. It’ll take you all day to travel

Well initially you might be able to get away with just taking a pram if it's suitable for the baby to sleep in & you are breast feeding.

That said, you don't have to go until you want to & of course you don't have to stay with them.

Plus of course having to keep stopping to give yourself a break & the baby a break from the car seat.

Anyone else remember the days of babies travelling in carry cots?

Also if you’re on your own while your husband is away you’ll be even more tired. His family should be coming to you and making your life as easy as possible and helping not expecting you to do a big journey that will be a nightmare.

No is a complete sentence. Repeat firmly. Mad expectations of you and your baby.

Gosh they sound frustrating. Put your foot down with them, tell them you’re still happy to come and visit but only when you feel well enough to do so and you’ll be staying at a hotel/apartment not their house. Don’t let them persuade you into anything you aren’t comfortable with.

And don’t feel the need to rush for that visit after baby is here. It can take a while to feel “back to normal” after baby is born; harder if you’re by yourself while postpartum. So be kind to yourself and take it as easily as possible.

Wishing you the best of luck and enjoy your new baba when they arrive.

Sorry I think advice has changed to two hours in 24 now, I just looked it up:

www.madeformums.com/news/the-2-hour-car-seat-rule-what-you-need-to-know/

Thank goodness mine are 3 hours trip still 😂

Goodness- so
Because an elderly woman won't travel you've got to put yourself last - bollocks to that!
Tell them they'll have to wait til you're ready - perhaps when your DH is gone again and your baby isn't newborn and hard work

Absolutely about your own accommodation too - the more space you get the better

You’ll be exhausted parenting a newborn alone-this is such an unreasonable request!

Who is pressuring you? The MIL or the grandma who can’t come?

Where do they want you to stay? MIL or grandmas?

I’d say you’ll be next up when DH will be with you. No way would I be doing a long drive alone with a tiny baby.

FartleBarfle

It’s 2 hours at a time. Not 2 hours in 24 hours. So you can do 2 hours then have say a half hour break and then another two hours (and repeat). But just not more than 2 hours at a time.

Oh and OP if they come to visit you make sure they stay elsewhere, not with you!

Is it that the GM really can't travel or just doesn't really want to?

Absolutely not. You don't know if you might end up having to have a c section, in which case it could be six weeks or even more before you can drive. Your baby might hate the car and scream for the entire journey. As a new mother, there is no way you'd be able to tune it out and concentrate on a long drive. The drive will literally take all day as you have to stop to feed/change and give them time out of the car seat so you will find yourself at every motorway service station en route for an hour or two each. You will have to pack literally a whole car full of stuff, all on your own...I could go on but I'll stop there. I would really urge you to reconsider going up there at all until your husband's home. If they are that desperate to see the baby they can come and stay at a nearby b&b - the adults who will be fine in the car and need just a small suitcase.

@tuesday2am

Gosh they sound frustrating. Put your foot down with them, tell them you’re still happy to come and visit but only when you feel well enough to do so and you’ll be staying at a hotel/apartment not their house. Don’t let them persuade you into anything you aren’t comfortable with.

And don’t feel the need to rush for that visit after baby is here. It can take a while to feel “back to normal” after baby is born; harder if you’re by yourself while postpartum. So be kind to yourself and take it as easily as possible.

Wishing you the best of luck and enjoy your new baba when they arrive.

Thank you great advice ! I will be telling them exactly this xxxx

@custardbear

Goodness- so Because an elderly woman won't travel you've got to put yourself last - bollocks to that! Tell them they'll have to wait til you're ready - perhaps when your DH is gone again and your baby isn't newborn and hard work

Absolutely about your own accommodation too - the more space you get the better

Love this !! Thank you for your fab advice will be taking this on board ! Xxx

Unless grandma is on deaths door I wouldn’t entertain the idea of travelling to see them.