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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pushy mother in law

175 replies

BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:09

Would love to get another opinion on my situation, I am due to give birth in October my husband is working away so won’t be there for the birth or till after baby is a few months old , my husbands family is from up north I am down south , They keep pressuring me now to ask me what day I will be going up after I have the baby to which I have responded I can’t give them a day as I don’t know how my labour will go and how il be feeling etc , I have opened the doors and said they are more then welcome to come down here which they are , but his grandmother cannot make the trip which she keeps moaning about , anyway I do plan on going up but they want me to stay in there house which I really really don’t want to I would rather get a hotel or serviced apartment and go see them every day with the baby , is this unreasonable? They have huge stairs in theirs and to be honest it’s not just that I just want my own space at the end of the day , I think I am being fair as I am making the trip up there and making an effort so is it really rude that I want my own space with a new born baby? I don’t mind going up there I just can’t bare the thought of not being able to switch off at the end of the day with my baby , his grandmother has already told me she will be ordering a crib for the baby for when we go to stay after I give birth so they are assuming I am going to stay with them, I am really stressing out about telling them , am I wrong ?

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 10:18

They have already told me they feel sorry for me as I'm not going to get a look in with my own baby between the pair of them (was said in a jokey manor but still pissed me off ) it's like they are very very territorial over my baby already been advised by MIL not to breast feed as she feels it passes on your own antibodies to baby !!! Never heard so much BS in my life hahahah

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Howshouldibehave · 21/08/2021 10:21

Do you really want to be driving hundreds of miles exhausted, on a motorway with your most precious cargo in the car!

This. Say you could never forgive yourself if something happened on the motorway-you’re sure they understand. Then say you’ll wait until DH will be with you.

What can they actually say to that?

Tell them you might be up at Xmas.

Jammysod · 21/08/2021 10:21

YANBU. Like others have said, you have no idea how you & baby will be after the birth. We ended up staying in for 10 days as DS has jaundice & an infection. Then I ended with sciatica, so could barely walk for 3 weeks.
You just need to be firm & tell them that you'll make arrangements as soon as you feel you are able to.
Your husband needs to talk to them too and tell them they need to stop pressuring you...surely it's hard enough that you have to do the first few months without him?!

Thehop · 21/08/2021 10:23

Tell them over and over

“I’m not booking anything, we’ll see how my recovery goes”

Remember a newborn isn’t allowed to be in a car seat for more than an hour u tip they can hold their head unaided!!!!

And your 6 week check needs doing

You can’t drive tired

You might have an emcs and not be able to drive

You may have a baby that hates the car!

Commit to nothing!!!! Put you and your baby first

Thehop · 21/08/2021 10:24

Breastfeeding DOES pass antibodies to baby

It’s a HUGE PLUS of breastfeeding!

If you want to do it do it, it’s amazing! If you don’t, dont. It’s not up to them.

Howshouldibehave · 21/08/2021 10:25

Do they seriously expect you to say now, in August, months before you’ve even had the baby, that you’ll be up on Monday 25th October and you’ve cleared the week in your diary?!

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 10:26

@Thehop

Breastfeeding DOES pass antibodies to baby

It’s a HUGE PLUS of breastfeeding!

If you want to do it do it, it’s amazing! If you don’t, dont. It’s not up to them.

Thank you I am definitely going to give it a try ! Xx
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Bunnycat101 · 21/08/2021 10:27

This research re newborns came out between my two. The midwives made a point of explaining it to parents with second or more children because they knew how common it had been to leave babies to sleep in the car seat.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bristolpost.co.uk/news/motoring/bristol-scientists-reveal-newborn-babies-756814.amp

Thehop · 21/08/2021 10:29

Also don’t underestimate getting your midwife inside. Tell her what pressure they’re putting you under and they’ll tell them they don’t want you to drive for 8 weeks to let your stitches heal or something! They’ll be on your side!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 21/08/2021 10:31

I thinks it’s awful that they expect you as a new mum to drive yourself with a new baby for their convenience.

I like the pp idea of telling them to stop pressuring you or you will hang up. They’re not bothered about upsetting you but you’re the one with the power here, you’re Mum!!

I’m glad you feel empowered by what people are saying her.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 21/08/2021 10:32

Here not her!

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 10:34

@EnjoyingTheSilence

I thinks it’s awful that they expect you as a new mum to drive yourself with a new baby for their convenience.

I like the pp idea of telling them to stop pressuring you or you will hang up. They’re not bothered about upsetting you but you’re the one with the power here, you’re Mum!!

I’m glad you feel empowered by what people are saying her.

Thank you I do now I know I'm not being unreasonable! Xxxx
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Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 10:35

@Thehop

Also don’t underestimate getting your midwife inside. Tell her what pressure they’re putting you under and they’ll tell them they don’t want you to drive for 8 weeks to let your stitches heal or something! They’ll be on your side!
Great advice thank you xxx
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Berthatydfil · 21/08/2021 10:35

What -!!!

been advised by MIL not to breast feed as she feels it passes on your own antibodies to baby

So you MUST try your best to breast feed and you also should buy a sling. It’s going to be very difficult to grapple a baby out of a tightly wrapped sling.

Time to get all mummy tiger on them.

This is your baby and what you say goes re feeding, dummies, naps, weaning etc

EnjoyingTheSilence · 21/08/2021 10:36

Ok I’ve read more of your updates. I don’t think I’d be contacting them (or answering your phone when they contact you) as much. They are completely nuts. Remember you have more power than they do. 💐

Howshouldibehave · 21/08/2021 10:37

I wouldn’t tell them anything like that about the midwife not wanting me to drive for 6/8 weeks as they’ll expect you to drive up as soon as that time is up.

I would be saying loudly that I’ll be parenting entirely alone as their son is working away and won’t be driving a baby alone on a motorway when I’m exhausted as I might crash. I don’t see how they can argue their way around that one.

I’d say we’ll be up when DH can drive us, or you’re welcome to come to us before that if you can’t wait.

Ball in their court.

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 10:38

@Berthatydfil

What -!!!

been advised by MIL not to breast feed as she feels it passes on your own antibodies to baby

So you MUST try your best to breast feed and you also should buy a sling. It’s going to be very difficult to grapple a baby out of a tightly wrapped sling.

Time to get all mummy tiger on them.

This is your baby and what you say goes re feeding, dummies, naps, weaning etc

This made me laugh !!! Will deffo be investing in a sling then Hahahaha
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Wheretoeattweenandteen · 21/08/2021 10:39

Agree ^^ you don't have to answer the phone, email, texts to these people

Beamur · 21/08/2021 10:39

It won't be safe for you or the baby to travel long distances for some weeks after birth.
Just say you cannot commit to a visit full stop. You'll discuss it with your DH but it's unlikely to be until the new year.
Introduce Granny to Facetime.

yourestandingonmyneck · 21/08/2021 10:39

You don't go in the days following the birth. You go in the weeks following the birth. If you want to.

So they will just have to wait.

And that's all their is to it, really. And they can like it or lump it.

As someone who was similarly pressured in this exact way, and went along with it, I can tell you that I hugely regret it, I am still angry about it, I will never forgive them for their behaviour, and I also still somewhat resent my DP for letting them get away with it and not fighting my corner.

My MIL was crying at one point, and not getting to see the baby ASAP and on her terms. Crying! Wailing down the phone as we were struggling through our front door from hospital laden down with baby in car seat, bags etc. in I completely regret not telling her to fuck right off, because that was exactly what she needed, and unfortunately bowing down to her set a precedent.

DanielTigersMummy21 · 21/08/2021 10:40

It's not acceptable to put this sort of pressure on a pregnant first time mother. The fact that they don't realise this is a red flag for you to be be really strong with your boundaries.

You have said they are welcome to visit you, that is enough for the time being. The more they push the more boundaries I would put up.

yourestandingonmyneck · 21/08/2021 10:41

"Yes I just feel rude but I think I'm being fair in going up there , I am going to have to deal with all people I don't really know that well coming in an out an pawing over my baby , (they have a massive family) I just want to switch off at the end of the night , also don't want to be confined to a tiny bed room with a new born baby I want a bit of space . Thanks for your view xx"

Further to my last post, the more you write the more I think just forget the whole thing.

It's gonna be a fuckn massive upheaval, for something you don't even really want to do.

That would be a no from me.

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 10:42

@yourestandingonmyneck

You don't go in the days following the birth. You go in the weeks following the birth. If you want to.

So they will just have to wait.

And that's all their is to it, really. And they can like it or lump it.

As someone who was similarly pressured in this exact way, and went along with it, I can tell you that I hugely regret it, I am still angry about it, I will never forgive them for their behaviour, and I also still somewhat resent my DP for letting them get away with it and not fighting my corner.

My MIL was crying at one point, and not getting to see the baby ASAP and on her terms. Crying! Wailing down the phone as we were struggling through our front door from hospital laden down with baby in car seat, bags etc. in I completely regret not telling her to fuck right off, because that was exactly what she needed, and unfortunately bowing down to her set a precedent.

Wow thank you for sharing this , that is awful it actually makes me angry reading that , how selfish of her , I will be setting the boundaries for sure xxxx
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Carycy · 21/08/2021 10:46

Also to add it is not advised for young babies to be in car seats for more than an hour I think. If you have a section you can’t drive for more than 6 weeks.
And passing on your own antibodies is kind of the point! I would be very wary of any mother in law who takes it upon herself to advise how you feed your baby.

Original poster
BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 10:47

@yourestandingonmyneck

"Yes I just feel rude but I think I'm being fair in going up there , I am going to have to deal with all people I don't really know that well coming in an out an pawing over my baby , (they have a massive family) I just want to switch off at the end of the night , also don't want to be confined to a tiny bed room with a new born baby I want a bit of space . Thanks for your view xx"

Further to my last post, the more you write the more I think just forget the whole thing.

It's gonna be a fuckn massive upheaval, for something you don't even really want to do.

That would be a no from me.

It's true I don't feel comfortable going up there , all my friends say they have never heard such nonsense a woman leaving her own home in them weeks after birth , people come to you! X
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