Pushy mother in law

[BellaBelle1234]

Would love to get another opinion on my situation, I am due to give birth in October my husband is working away so won’t be there for the birth or till after baby is a few months old , my husbands family is from up north I am down south , They keep pressuring me now to ask me what day I will be going up after I have the baby to which I have responded I can’t give them a day as I don’t know how my labour will go and how il be feeling etc , I have opened the doors and said they are more then welcome to come down here which they are , but his grandmother cannot make the trip which she keeps moaning about , anyway I do plan on going up but they want me to stay in there house which I really really don’t want to I would rather get a hotel or serviced apartment and go see them every day with the baby , is this unreasonable? They have huge stairs in theirs and to be honest it’s not just that I just want my own space at the end of the day , I think I am being fair as I am making the trip up there and making an effort so is it really rude that I want my own space with a new born baby? I don’t mind going up there I just can’t bare the thought of not being able to switch off at the end of the day with my baby , his grandmother has already told me she will be ordering a crib for the baby for when we go to stay after I give birth so they are assuming I am going to stay with them, I am really stressing out about telling them , am I wrong ?

@forrestgreen

Sorry, missed the info on how far it is. If they come to you, they'll camp out at yours and you won't have a minute to yourself? How will you tell them to make tea, or to go home as you're tired?

There's to many of them for them to stay with me , they would have to get a hotel no doubt about it , I mean maybe I could offer the MIL an partner for 2 days but no longer ?! X

@BellaBelle1234

They have already told me they feel sorry for me as I'm not going to get a look in with my own baby between the pair of them (was said in a jokey manor but still pissed me off ) it's like they are very very territorial over my baby already been advised by MIL not to breast feed as she feels it passes on your own antibodies to baby !!! Never heard so much BS in my life hahahah

I was militant about bf after my mil made similar uninformed/ignorant/medically harmful comments about how ds should be fed. In reality she was desperate to force her way into looking after him frequently and overnights after fucking up her relationships with the other dils

FWIW my mum visited on birthday, came to stay when dh went back to work after 2 weeks, then I travelled to stay with her for 3 hours at 6 weeks. Mil who lived 5 streets away called in twice.

Oh my goodness, how very stressful all this must be for you. And what a pair of old biddies your in-laws are! The only good bit is the distance between you!
These women had children of their own and for that fact alone I have zero sympathy.

It is your baby not theirs. They feel sorry for you as you won’t get a look in with your baby? No way. It’s not pass the parcel here…. And in view of the issues around covid do you really want loads of people handling your baby at once?

You and baby need to get to know each other. Those first few weeks are so precious. And then when your partner comes home, you need to get used to being a family. They shouldn’t expect to see your baby before baby’s father!

This is your baby. Not theirs. And you don’t have to do anything they say. They will try to make you feel guilty. They will play games. But ultimately it’s up to you what you allow. So set boundaries from the start, and stick to them. And keep repeating them, with a sickly smile. They can’t win this battle because it’s your child but they will push you.

They don’t want you to breastfeed because they want to be able to feed baby… doing what they want rather than what’s best for baby.

I would be telling them that you are getting annoyed and stressed at their constant nagging and can they please stop it. You will make visiting arrangements when you feel up to it. And if they carry on just say I have asked you not to talk about this, I’m going to hang up. And stick to it.

And when you feel up to it, invite them to visit you. No way should you be leaving your home to visit them. If grandma chooses not to come that is her choice. And don’t have them to stay. You need a distance! Give them some local hotel details and say you are not up to hosting overnight visitors but you will enjoy seeing them during the day. And ensure there’s a time set in the visit….

Good luck with everything!

Stop answering their calls/messages. You married your Dh, not them, so you are not obliged to even be in contact with them if it's annoying you. It must be a pain in the backside having to listen to them harping on about when you are bringing the baby to them. You've got good advice so far and it's good to see you are finding your inner anger and will tell them you won't be travelling that far anytime soon. And for the love of God do not offer to have any of them to stay if they do decide to travel to you. You'll have enough to be doing with the new baby without having to tidy up, buy in extra food, cook, make beds and entertain them too. Let them all stay in an Airbnb or hotel - whatever they want let them organise it too.

Tell your Dh that his family are pressuring you to set a date for you to travel but you have no intention of going. When he's home you can decide then if it suits you to go. And of course book an apartment or similar. You don't need the hassle of staying with his pushy family.

@MinnieGirl

Oh my goodness, how very stressful all this must be for you. And what a pair of old biddies your in-laws are! The only good bit is the distance between you! These women had children of their own and for that fact alone I have zero sympathy.

It is your baby not theirs. They feel sorry for you as you won’t get a look in with your baby? No way. It’s not pass the parcel here…. And in view of the issues around covid do you really want loads of people handling your baby at once?

You and baby need to get to know each other. Those first few weeks are so precious. And then when your partner comes home, you need to get used to being a family. They shouldn’t expect to see your baby before baby’s father!

This is your baby. Not theirs. And you don’t have to do anything they say. They will try to make you feel guilty. They will play games. But ultimately it’s up to you what you allow. So set boundaries from the start, and stick to them. And keep repeating them, with a sickly smile. They can’t win this battle because it’s your child but they will push you.

They don’t want you to breastfeed because they want to be able to feed baby… doing what they want rather than what’s best for baby.

I would be telling them that you are getting annoyed and stressed at their constant nagging and can they please stop it. You will make visiting arrangements when you feel up to it. And if they carry on just say I have asked you not to talk about this, I’m going to hang up. And stick to it.

And when you feel up to it, invite them to visit you. No way should you be leaving your home to visit them. If grandma chooses not to come that is her choice. And don’t have them to stay. You need a distance! Give them some local hotel details and say you are not up to hosting overnight visitors but you will enjoy seeing them during the day. And ensure there’s a time set in the visit….

Good luck with everything!

Thank you very much this has helped me loads , I now realise I'm not being unreasonable, and also with the breast feeding when she made that comment I went cold I thought that straight away , but as if I would be leaving my brand new baby with them anyway even if I wasn't breast feeding ! I think they think they have a chance of having him over night I really do ! Would love them to ask ! Hah xxx

@Notaroadrunner

Stop answering their calls/messages. You married your Dh, not them, so you are not obliged to even be in contact with them if it's annoying you. It must be a pain in the backside having to listen to them harping on about when you are bringing the baby to them. You've got good advice so far and it's good to see you are finding your inner anger and will tell them you won't be travelling that far anytime soon. And for the love of God do not offer to have any of them to stay if they do decide to travel to you. You'll have enough to be doing with the new baby without having to tidy up, buy in extra food, cook, make beds and entertain them too. Let them all stay in an Airbnb or hotel - whatever they want let them organise it too.

Tell your Dh that his family are pressuring you to set a date for you to travel but you have no intention of going. When he's home you can decide then if it suits you to go. And of course book an apartment or similar. You don't need the hassle of staying with his pushy family.

So true , I am not going to take no more shit off them, I think where the nan is old I have let her get away with far to much , the mil bombards me with all clothes she has got the baby that she wants to keep in hers ! They are delusional. I live in London they are up north ! Thanks for your advice I really have found my inner anger hahahah x

@BellaBelle1234

They have already told me they feel sorry for me as I'm not going to get a look in with my own baby between the pair of them (was said in a jokey manor but still pissed me off ) it's like they are very very territorial over my baby already been advised by MIL not to breast feed as she feels it passes on your own antibodies to baby !!! Never heard so much BS in my life hahahah

Jesus! What an enormous red flag.

They seem to have fallen into the "you moved away you must travel" mentality.

I hope that you manage to keep saying no, Op.

Such behaviour also wants you to keep saying no even when it's doable!

Why would you trudge all the way to theirs with a new baby in tow, until DH is home again?

Just put them off until he is back home. This isn't a royal summons, it's just some demanding relatives. You don;t want to go - so don't!

They have already told me they feel sorry for me as I'm not going to get a look in with my own baby between the pair of them

What a totally stupid thing to say to an expectant new mother, it's not like you are living with them and they are going to take over (they wish)

In reality due to distance they wont spend more than a few hours with the baby

I did my first journey to my Mums (and yes pressured) when DS was a few months old. A car got on fire on the A34 and I was stuck for a while and my journey took forever and DS just screamed. Then Mum engineered me to meet her at the hospital (long story) as she wanted to show off DS to random people that even she didnt know. These things stick with you

Erm, no way!

Echoing other posters. Tell them to get lost.

Time to start standing up for yourself.

'No, MIL I will not be travelling to you when I've just given birth, what a ridiculous suggestion! How do you expect me to do that when I'm exhausted, recovering and caring for a newborn on my own? No.'

Repeat until either she gets it or you've had enough and tell her you won't discuss it anymore. Then don't. If she brings it up again say 'I've already told you, no' and change the subject/end the call.

Selfish articles.

Yep, fuck them. Outrageous demands to make of a new Mum. I'm sure they're very excited but they need to get right back in their box or they are going to damage their relationship with you.

You need to manage their expectations and start as you mean to go on. If you prioritise their feelings and comfort over yours - within weeks of birth(!)- then it will set an expectation that they are entitled to that from now on.

As for grandma not meeting the baby right away- I'm sorry but - tough biscuits. We just had a pandemic where people didn't meet babies for months and months- it was sad but the world kept turning.

You are under no obligation to do any of what they're asking and if you do visit them then your comfort should be paramount.

They need to learn some boundaries and respect. Be pleasant but firm.

You make the rules here, not them.

Have a look at the Fourth Trimester.

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/emotional-and-social-development/what-fourth-trimester

I had 2 very straight forward pregnancies and home births (first one not a planned home birth). In both cases, I was well enough to go out the next day. After that though, when the adrenaline had worn off and the sleep deprivation kicked in, I felt like I had experienced symptoms of a stroke and had been hit by a double decker. My children were not brilliant sleepers though so you're experience may not be that but until it happens, you just don't know.

I would give a very firm answer now and each time it's brought up, repeat succinctly and shut the conversation down so they know that it's not up for debate. You don't know how you may feel just before or after the birth. It might be a difficult time to draw and enforce boundaries when you're feeling overwhelmed and they may take advantage of that.

Also, I found a stretchy sling for indispensable. I was able to hold my other child's hand whilst holding the baby. When baby was older, I could put her on my back and cut the grass and manage a day in London on the tube. Also, if she was overwhelmed, the sling gave her a safe space. It also prevents any baby snatching.

Good luck OP. Hope it gets resolved so that you don't have to stress about it throughout your pregnancy.

How often are you speaking to them?

I think I spoke to my MIL twice when I was pregnant! Not my Mim-not my job!
How often does their son speak/have contact with them?

Haven't read all your updates OP but it is ridiculous that a tiny baby and a post partum woman are being asked to travel and be away from home and their health visitor, midwives etc when they should be at home because an elderly woman can't. Unless she is in a care home I can't see how it is more difficult for her? They just want to interfere and are jealous of your mum. You and your baby are not being considered. You need to put your baby first and say no. It really is not in their best interests.

@Howshouldibehave

How often are you speaking to them?

I think I spoke to my MIL twice when I was pregnant! Not my Mim-not my job!
How often does their son speak/have contact with them?

MIL use to ring me every single day (even through my morning sickness ) she doesn't call me now as i made it clear I'm not up for small talk every day , GM calls in every 3 days exactly . Just to gush about how she can't wait for her Babba to be born 😂 it's laughable but at the same time it's frustrating to Husband avoids them as they drive him mad but he is controlled by them none the less xx

GM calls in every 3 days exactly

WTF! I think you need to manage their expectations. Do they ring your DH this often. I just wouldn’t answer.

They need to be traveling to you, not vice versa. With a first baby, traveling alone will be at best a huge inconvenience, at worst massively stressful and anxiety inducing. If you need to travel then ensure it's when your partner can travel with you, and don't stay in their house. You'll need your space and time away from them. They sound really intense and overbearing.

Time to stop answering that phone. How well your Dh managed it! If you do feel the need to answer every so often, say you are in the shop, bank, wherever, and you don't have any news so will chat in a week or so. Then keep doing that. Start distancing yourself a bit now so that they are used to you not responding, and then hopefully they won't be hounding you with phonecalls when baby arrives, as that will drive you mad altogether.

Nope nope nope.

He's made them your job. How clever of him.

My DH's family was a nightmare and he happily outsourced them to me when I was on mat leave, and it nearly broke me.

You have a DH problem. They should be calling him, not you.

Raise it with him. Say 'DH, your family are stressing me and putting too much pressure on me when I need to be focusing on my own health and the baby. Please speak to them about giving me some space and directing their concerns/queries/what have yous to YOU- their son/grandson. It's too much.'

OP,

Wise person once told me “never mind not wanting to rock the boat, if it comes to your child sometimes you have to capsize it”

This came from one of the most easy going and least confrontational people I ever met in my life. She’s a nursery worker.

Loose it. Hand over MIL and rest of inlaws to your DH and let him deal with them.

No compromise here.

Loose your shit if you must as sadly with pushy people you have to be blunt,clear and rude to get them to back off.

This is your baby,not your MIL’s.

Let them cool their excitement while you figure out life with the newborn.

Switch your phone off if needed. You don’t need to explain yourself to anybody.

"Husband avoids them as they drive him mad but he is controlled by them none the less"

Seems you need to band together so that no one is driven mad or controlled!

Who the hell wants to travel with leaky boobs and lochia?? Midwife has up until 28 days post partum to discharge you. If you develop issues such as mastitis for example it would mean she could keep you on until you were better. If the family are so keen to meet the baby they should be the ones travelling!!!

Aside from the many valid reasons PP have expressed, I wouldn't go because the minute you step in the door they'll take your baby from you and you won't get him or her back for hours/days and it will interrupt your bonding/feeding etc. You're clearly just an incubator to them!

I'd be saying that the baby could arrive any time between due date minus 2 weeks or due date plus two weeks. That you have no plans to travel for a min of 13 weeks after the birth (4th trimester) therefore you will consider setting a visit date 2 months after the baby's birth.
Of course if you end up having a CS then it will probably be longer.

They can visit but they can't stay with you & usually won't be catering for them & send details of local hotels & b&bs.

Stay strong op x