Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Pushy mother in law

175 replies

BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 09:09

Would love to get another opinion on my situation, I am due to give birth in October my husband is working away so won’t be there for the birth or till after baby is a few months old , my husbands family is from up north I am down south , They keep pressuring me now to ask me what day I will be going up after I have the baby to which I have responded I can’t give them a day as I don’t know how my labour will go and how il be feeling etc , I have opened the doors and said they are more then welcome to come down here which they are , but his grandmother cannot make the trip which she keeps moaning about , anyway I do plan on going up but they want me to stay in there house which I really really don’t want to I would rather get a hotel or serviced apartment and go see them every day with the baby , is this unreasonable? They have huge stairs in theirs and to be honest it’s not just that I just want my own space at the end of the day , I think I am being fair as I am making the trip up there and making an effort so is it really rude that I want my own space with a new born baby? I don’t mind going up there I just can’t bare the thought of not being able to switch off at the end of the day with my baby , his grandmother has already told me she will be ordering a crib for the baby for when we go to stay after I give birth so they are assuming I am going to stay with them, I am really stressing out about telling them , am I wrong ?

OP posts:

frozenyoghurt4 · 21/08/2021 19:46

Everyone here is so reasonable and honest.

If it was me and MIL treated me with such disrespect, I think I'd just lie and say "sure I'll visit" to get them off my back and then not actually do it. Why give them the respect of treating them fairly when they clearly don't care about you?

I'd just give vague answers about the possible dates and then stop responding to their calls at all. Text them that the doctor told you strict bed rest and you can't tire yourself with this, or something else vague, then ignore them. When the baby's born say the doctor's told you you can't drive for 3 months and leave it at that.

4ammusings · 21/08/2021 20:18

I think they are being very unreasonable expecting you to travel with a newborn after just giving birth to be honest. I would refuse to travel and reiterate the offer for them to visit (but make sure they stay in a hotel). Granny will have to wait. My twins are 8 months old and I’m dreading travelling with them to see the in laws at Christmas and they will be a year old by then. Travelling with a newborn sounds crazy! Honestly this is the time to put your feet up and bond with your baby/establish breastfeeding if you plan on breastfeeding, not pander to the demands of unreasonable family members. It doesn’t sound like they are thinking about what’s best for you and the baby at all, just themselves. If they think they are helping, don’t make the mistake I did and go along with it for the sake of keeping the peace. Tell them exactly what help you need and don’t need. If they genuinely want to help then they will understand.

Original poster

BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 20:23

Thank you all for the great advice never expected to get so many good answers !!! Xxx

OP posts:

AvantGardening · 21/08/2021 21:04

Someone has already mentioned the two hour car rule, but for babies under 4 weeks guidance is no longer than 30 minutes in the car seat.

LittleOwl153 · 21/08/2021 21:05

Tell them you'll plan a visit for around Easter?

Original poster

BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 21:08

@AvantGardening

Someone has already mentioned the two hour car rule, but for babies under 4 weeks guidance is no longer than 30 minutes in the car seat.

I have already decided I won't be moving out of the comfort of my own home , if they want to come an see the baby that is fine with me but I won't be pressured xxxx

OP posts:

DuggeeHugPlease · 21/08/2021 21:10

This all makes me so angry. Not only are you facing birth and caring for a newborn without your partner but they are making it so much harder for you.

I've recently had my second and it was so much harder to recover from. No 2 births are the same and you have no idea how you will be feeling. Even if it goes completely smoothly (hopefully) you still need those first few weeks to recover, rest and bond.
Do not let them force you in to this - you will regret it and resent them.

In hospital the midwives drilled it in to me that the guidelines had changed since having my first and newborns shouldn't be in car seats for longer than 30 minutes until 6 weeks old. This is new advice but important.
Also we had a few complications which mean we weren't signed off from midwife care until 4 weeks and then still had a number of follow up hospital appointments in the next few weeks so I wouldn't have been able to travel away from home.
Finally I had baby blues/mild PND and really needed to be at home to recover. This floored me as I didn't get it with my first birth.

Please put yourself and your newborn first.

PaddleBlue · 21/08/2021 21:16

Please be careful about offering too freely for them to come and see you too, if they would stress you out then don’t feel you HAVE to invite them down straight after the birth and stay for a while - hopefully only for a night or two amd they’d stay somewhere else! You’ll need to find your feet yourself in first few days!

MeridianB · 21/08/2021 21:38

Sooo cross about this on your behalf, OP.

You’re 100% right to stay put and enjoy your little one.

They all sound bonkers and self-absorbed. The car seat safety, the long drive, just no. I’d also be very reluctant to have extended family passing round my newborn, pandemic or not.

Your MIL’s ridiculous comment about breastfeeding is to be ignored. But be prepared for her to repeat it. So many stories on here about MILs advocating against breastfeeding so that the baby can stay overnight alone with them as soon as possible. 😱

The whining you’re likely to get about a visit is nothing compared to the stress that a trip like this bring. Your DH needs to step in if they don’t back off. Don’t leave it until he’s gone.

Wishing you luck with everything 💐

Original poster

BellaBelle1234 · 21/08/2021 21:45

@MeridianB

Sooo cross about this on your behalf, OP.

You’re 100% right to stay put and enjoy your little one.

They all sound bonkers and self-absorbed. The car seat safety, the long drive, just no. I’d also be very reluctant to have extended family passing round my newborn, pandemic or not.

The whining you’re likely to get about a visit is nothing compared to the stress that a trip like this bring. Your DH needs to step in if they don’t back off. Don’t leave it until he’s gone.

Wishing you luck with everything 💐

The thought of people I don't really know (there is so many of them ) passing my baby about feels me with dread to be honest . I am not going to risk bringing a new born baby with no immune system up there I can't believe I even went along with it after writing this thread earlier, not one person has disagreed with me an told me I'm being unfair , thank you for your support and for giving me the kick up the back side I needed ! Xxx

OP posts:

Ihavehadenoughalready · 21/08/2021 22:15

Might be better if the grandmother who can't travel just meets the baby for now via Zoom.

YOU should not be the one being very inconvenienced when you would be much more comfortable just staying in your own home.

Grandma can't "make" you come for a visit. If she wants to see the baby, she should be the one making the effort to make things easy for you.

For me, that would have been an hour visit here and there and her staying in a hotel.

Eilatan2018 · 21/08/2021 22:25

Oh dear lord! You’re a much nicer person than me…
It’s your first baby. You have no idea how you will feel. For me it was the biggest life changing event and that was with my husband with me! My son is three and still sleeps terribly but those early months were such hard work!!

Not to scare you because those first few months are precious, but you need to do what’s best for you and baby. You’ll want to be in your own comfortable surroundings. I would say you’ll let them know when you’re up for visitors and play it by ear. Good luck x

Cherrysoup · 21/08/2021 22:30

They are batshit to think you will be sitting for hours in a car with a brand new baby, how mad! If they want to come down, fine, but they’ll need to stay in a hotel or something and leave when YOU damn well say so. They sound bonkers.

Babies shouldn't be in a car seat for more than an hour a day in the first 6 months

Totally, so no way can you travel (says your midwife/doctor/health visitor)

Of course you should try to breastfeed, yes, it passes your antibodies onto the baby, surely the whole idea?! (Plus it’s free!)

PizzaPiePizzaPie · 21/08/2021 22:47

Glad to see you have decided not to do it. Wish I could say the same.
I was heavily pressured to go PILs when my DD was born. We didn’t know about the guidance about travelling with a newborn at the time.
The journey both ways was ridiculous. We had to stop so bloody often the journey took a whole day.
The point of us going was DHs massive extended family could see the baby - guess what - hardly any of the fuckers bothered anyway.
I had to put up with days of MILs great ‘advice’ including telling me 4 week old babies should definitely sleep through the night by now and she was just manipulating me every time she cried.
It also set a precedent that having a small child wouldn’t be a reason not to come there all the time. Luckily I came to my senses and started refusing.
The only positive thing is DH has since apologised without prompting.

Honeypickle · 21/08/2021 23:31

Also OP, with my firstborn I bled heavily every day for the next 12 weeks. Much less with babies 2 and 3, but also something to take into consideration! Stay home! Xx

Hugoslavia · 21/08/2021 23:43

Don't commit at all. In fact the grandma can come down to see you. Your MIL can bring her. They can both.stay in a travel lodge. You may feel differently about staying with them once the baby is here and you could do with some help. But you wo n't know. Definitely don't commit to.anything within the first.6 weeks, esp if it's your first. The drive alone would be a nightmare, esp if you are tired.

Hugoslavia · 21/08/2021 23:44

Also, if you end up having a c section, you wo t be able to drive for 6 weeks anyway.

Tulips15 · 21/08/2021 23:48

I wouldnt go up until Dh gets home

They want to see you, they make the trip.

Selfish of them to suggest you go up after giving birth.

put your foot down.

Tell them the date they can come nd visit you, they dont like that - tough luck.

glowyearthworm · 22/08/2021 00:37

totally on your side with your decision OP!!

diddl · 22/08/2021 08:49

Reading this has aso made me realise how much you can forget about birth & the aftermath.
(Mine are both more than 20yrs ago)

I had two easy births, no tears or stitches, but was bruised.

It was a while before I could go to the toilet without holding my breath/trying to hold it back iyswim!

Plus the industrial sized maternity pads!

Having to hold the pad on the way to the toilet.

Establishing breast feeding.

If you have a baby that sleeps-sleeping yourself also!

There's so much that you wouldn't want to do anywhere other than your own home.

purpletrains · 22/08/2021 09:10

Absolutely not. Do not make any plans at all

When you are ready, they can come and visit you and stay in a nearby hotel

When your partner returns, go stay with them as a family

Wishihadanalgorithm · 22/08/2021 09:19

OP, you do know you don’t need excuses or reasons not to visit, right?

If they can’t or won’t come and visit you why on earth should you be travelling up to visit them? The grandmother may not be able to make the journey but others can. At this point, once you have given birth you and the baby are the people who matter most. You do what suits you and nothing else.

I’d be saying you can’t promise anything at the moment so shut down all conversations. Once baby is here, and you are ready for visitors invite them down - staying in a hotel is probably best. When invited back to visit them just say it doesn’t suit you when baby is so small.

At this point you hold all the cards. They want to see the baby so it’s on your terms or not at all. Don’t worry about their reaction, they should know you don’t expect a new mum and baby to be doing such long journeys. The fact they don’t care shows you the level of concern you should give to their feelings.

Good luck, OP and enjoy your new baby,

Howshouldibehave · 22/08/2021 09:21

If they can’t or won’t come and visit you why on earth should you be travelling up to visit them?

Yep!

Freefalling22 · 22/08/2021 09:36

Sorry of this has been mentioned but although your DH works away, do you have regular contact with him? Because I'd tell him to needs to speak to his mother to back off a bit.

And everyone is right about the car seat thing. Newborn really shouldn't be in the car seat for long. How far is the journey exactly?

And there are several things at birth that could impact how you feel - the possibility of tears/stitches, forceps or C-section, low iron levels, etc. Not in any way trying to scare you about the birth but all very real possibilities that could make recovery a teensy bit longer.

You absolutely need to put you and baby first. If they want to meet baby so badly, they can come visit you. And if DH's gran can't come, there's wonderful inventions these days of facetime, photos, etc. Not the same but she'll have to make do until your DH is home and baby is slightly older to make the trip.

Good luck.

TurquoiseDragon · 22/08/2021 12:59

Husband avoids them as they drive him mad but he is controlled by them none the less xx

So he's effectively palmed off dealing with his family onto you. Time to hand it all back and tell him to find his balls.

You've had some great advice, which I echo. If my DD has a child, she knows I have her back if she has pushy inlaws.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7