Pushy mother in law

[BellaBelle1234]

Would love to get another opinion on my situation, I am due to give birth in October my husband is working away so won’t be there for the birth or till after baby is a few months old , my husbands family is from up north I am down south , They keep pressuring me now to ask me what day I will be going up after I have the baby to which I have responded I can’t give them a day as I don’t know how my labour will go and how il be feeling etc , I have opened the doors and said they are more then welcome to come down here which they are , but his grandmother cannot make the trip which she keeps moaning about , anyway I do plan on going up but they want me to stay in there house which I really really don’t want to I would rather get a hotel or serviced apartment and go see them every day with the baby , is this unreasonable? They have huge stairs in theirs and to be honest it’s not just that I just want my own space at the end of the day , I think I am being fair as I am making the trip up there and making an effort so is it really rude that I want my own space with a new born baby? I don’t mind going up there I just can’t bare the thought of not being able to switch off at the end of the day with my baby , his grandmother has already told me she will be ordering a crib for the baby for when we go to stay after I give birth so they are assuming I am going to stay with them, I am really stressing out about telling them , am I wrong ?

@Howshouldibehave

You’ll be exhausted parenting a newborn alone-this is such an unreasonable request!

Who is pressuring you? The MIL or the grandma who can’t come?

Where do they want you to stay? MIL or grandmas?

I’d say you’ll be next up when DH will be with you. No way would I be doing a long drive alone with a tiny baby.

It's the MIL and the grandmother , honestly they are so petrified about not having a say in the baby , they are very jealous of my mother , but I've never given them no reason to be , I said they are more then welcome to come down here to which the grandmother said she wouldn't be able to (not my problem) I want to enjoy my baby with out having these people on my back , I have invited them down I don't feel right travelling up there now after every ones advice on here , I want to be in the comfort of my own home xxx

@Babynames2
This is what I read:

SO WHAT IS THE 2 HOUR RULE?
Many car seat manufacturers recommend that a baby should not be in a car seat for longer than 2 hours, within a 24 hour time period.

This is because when a baby is in a semi-upright position for a prolonged period of time it can result in:

1. A strain on the baby’s still-developing spine.

1. Restricted air-flow to the baby’s lungs. The chance of this can increase if a baby falls asleep with their head flopped forward.

Shared a different source though - I clicked onto an English website, this looks American babysafeltd.com/safety/2-hour-rule/

I'd personally still not plan a trip longer than an hour for the early months based on the reasons above.

@Babynames2

Oh and OP if they come to visit you make sure they stay elsewhere, not with you!

I don't think I could deal with all of them staying with me they are hard work! X

OP, they are completely unreasonable and aren’t thinking of your comfort and safety.

Obviously we all hope you have an easy birth and everything goes swimmingly. We hope your milk comes in without difficulty and your baby is healthy, happy and even allows you reasonable sleep.

However, should you need an episiotomy, or have tearing, or a c-section then sitting in a car for a prolonged period will not be comfortable or wise. The first weeks are generally sleep deprived with day and night all mixed up. You need time and space to adjust.

Prioritise the safety and comfort of you and your baby. With the added challenge of your DH being away everyone should be focused of assisting you, not making demands.

@diddl

Is it that the GM really can't travel or just doesn't really want to?

She does have health problems but then when I think about it so does bringing a tiny baby up there , there immune systems are weak I'm not risking it ! X

@BellaBelle1234

It sounds very fortunate that they live far away from you! My in laws used to be a lot closer and the first years were an absolute nightmare or control issues and battles over everything as long as it was trivial. We were so grateful when they moved away as they wanted to be closer to their favourite grandchildren!

[quote FartleBarfle]@Babynames2
This is what I read:

SO WHAT IS THE 2 HOUR RULE?
Many car seat manufacturers recommend that a baby should not be in a car seat for longer than 2 hours, within a 24 hour time period.

This is because when a baby is in a semi-upright position for a prolonged period of time it can result in:

1. A strain on the baby’s still-developing spine.

1. Restricted air-flow to the baby’s lungs. The chance of this can increase if a baby falls asleep with their head flopped forward.

Shared a different source though - I clicked onto an English website, this looks American babysafeltd.com/safety/2-hour-rule/

I'd personally still not plan a trip longer than an hour for the early months based on the reasons above.[/quote]
Oh my god !!! Maybe il send them this thank you ! And I don't really want to get on a train either xx

You need to pass all the conversations on this to your dh, even if he can’t call them he can message or email. He needs to be VERY blunt and say something along the lines of

Mum, Nan there is no way that Bella is driving on her own with a newborn baby up to you. It’s mental. It’s not safe for the baby to be in a car seat for long periods, Bella won’t know how she’s going to be feeling she will probably be tired if the baby is feeding through the night and that’s not even considering if she has to have a Caesarian. I’m just not happy you would even ask her to do this so as far as I’m concerned it’s not going to happen - that’s my decision not hers and I won’t be happy if you mention it again. I understand you’re excited about the baby and will want to see them and I can’t understand why mum you can’t drive here it’s a much more sensible solution but if you’re not prepared to drive well you will have to wait. Obviously Bella will send photos and FaceTime etc but there will be no driving on her own to you.

@Berthatydfil

You need to pass all the conversations on this to your dh, even if he can’t call them he can message or email. He needs to be VERY blunt and say something along the lines of

Mum, Nan there is no way that Bella is driving on her own with a newborn baby up to you. It’s mental. It’s not safe for the baby to be in a car seat for long periods, Bella won’t know how she’s going to be feeling she will probably be tired if the baby is feeding through the night and that’s not even considering if she has to have a Caesarian. I’m just not happy you would even ask her to do this so as far as I’m concerned it’s not going to happen - that’s my decision not hers and I won’t be happy if you mention it again. I understand you’re excited about the baby and will want to see them and I can’t understand why mum you can’t drive here it’s a much more sensible solution but if you’re not prepared to drive well you will have to wait. Obviously Bella will send photos and FaceTime etc but there will be no driving on her own to you.

Great idea ! Have screen shotted this an will be reciting this to him haha! X

@Berthatydfil - absolutely nailed it! Your husband should definitely use this as a final word on it.
Let them know there will be consequences if they harrass you any more about this while he is working away.

Be prepared for them to tell you Grandma is at death's door though.

No one wants to travel anywhere when they have a newborn, let alone miles away.

Stand firm. In fact, be in a lot less contact. Let your dh be in touch with his family. They sound quite horrible and selfish .

honestly they are so petrified about not having a say in the baby

A say in what?!

I honestly wouldn’t entertain travelling miles away alone when I’d been parenting ALONE-you will be shattered. How would they feel if you crashed the car on the motorway through sheer exhaustion!?

Sounds like you don’t want to see them much anyway, so you have a perfect excuse-if they’re that bothered about coming down, they’ll have to travel. They can’t force you to do anything and they are far far away, so don’t worry too much about it! What can they do to you?! Just ignore any guilt trips-not your problem.

You haven’t mentioned your DH in any of this though!

Why can't the grandma come anyway? She has enough strength to be making you feel like crap and telling you she's buying a cot, but she can't sit in a car and be driven to your house? But she thinks your newborn baby can? Unless she is disabled then she should be more able, even if she is elderly, to sit in a car to come to you than your newborn will be.

@Chamomileteaplease

Be prepared for them to tell you Grandma is at death's door though.

No one wants to travel anywhere when they have a newborn, let alone miles away.

Stand firm. In fact, be in a lot less contact. Let your dh be in touch with his family. They sound quite horrible and selfish .

They only see it from their perspective, it's actually making me very angry now the expectations they have of me , after this thread I am looking forward to putting them straight to be honest Thank you xx

To reiterate the many previous posts, they are being completely unreasonable to expect you to travel up there alone with a tiny baby. They need to come to you and stop making ridiculous demands.

@Howshouldibehave

honestly they are so petrified about not having a say in the baby

A say in what?!

I honestly wouldn’t entertain travelling miles away alone when I’d been parenting ALONE-you will be shattered. How would they feel if you crashed the car on the motorway through sheer exhaustion!?

Sounds like you don’t want to see them much anyway, so you have a perfect excuse-if they’re that bothered about coming down, they’ll have to travel. They can’t force you to do anything and they are far far away, so don’t worry too much about it! What can they do to you?! Just ignore any guilt trips-not your problem.

You haven’t mentioned your DH in any of this though!

I know your right , he is very controlled by his mother , I haven't mentioned anything to him yet about going up as I just feel like it's better left till last minute , but if they continue to push me an ask for the dates on which day il be up I will be telling him and he can explain to the two witches xxx

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

Why can't the grandma come anyway? She has enough strength to be making you feel like crap and telling you she's buying a cot, but she can't sit in a car and be driven to your house? But she thinks your newborn baby can? Unless she is disabled then she should be more able, even if she is elderly, to sit in a car to come to you than your newborn will be.

That's exactly what me an my mum have said ! How hard can it be to be driven down to London ?? It would be more hard for me an a tiny baby xxx

@FartleBarfle

Both the NHS and lullaby trust say no more than 2 hours at a time and if do longer journeys to break it up so baby spends no longer than 2 hours in the car seat before being taken out for a break.

Before 4 weeks though it’s 30 minutes. It’s not practical at all for the OP to do the journey.

We drove 3 hours with 3 month old DD and the journey took 5 hours with stop offs for a break for her plus feeds/nappy changes.

www.leedsth.nhs.uk/a-z-of-services/leeds-maternity-care/news/2017/08/18/useful-advice-on-baby-seats This is an NHS one that states about the no more than 30 minutes for 4 weeks OP, that gives you an easy out for the first month at least

@LuaDipa

To reiterate the many previous posts, they are being completely unreasonable to expect you to travel up there alone with a tiny baby. They need to come to you and stop making ridiculous demands.

Agreed thank you xx

They don't recommend that a newborn baby should be in a semi reclined position in a car for long periods , so it would be a firm no from me .

Op tell them on the reflection whilst you feel you understand their joy, you've realised you cannot possibly commit to going up or having them down until you've had the baby and had a chance to find your feet.

That's it... Go Awol

If the GM really can't travel then of course she will just have to wait.

That doesn't stop his mum & dad travelling though does it?

If she could travel at all maybe you could all meet/stay half way for a couple of days?

They just seem too happy to put all the onus on you.

You don't need this stress especially with a new baby and no husband for support.

Keep things vague at the moment and go to a serviced apartment/hotel only when it suits you.
I would tell a porkie pie and say that after the birth you have been advised that you and baby must rest at home for some reason or another, for x weeks . Tell them you will look forward to seeing them in due course.
Do things at your own pace and hope all goes well.

@Cryalot2

You don't need this stress especially with a new baby and no husband for support. Keep things vague at the moment and go to a serviced apartment/hotel only when it suits you. I would tell a porkie pie and say that after the birth you have been advised that you and baby must rest at home for some reason or another, for x weeks . Tell them you will look forward to seeing them in due course. Do things at your own pace and hope all goes well.

Great advice thank you so much xxx

Sleep deprivation with a newborn is something to consider here, which they seem to be ignoring.

Do you really want to be driving hundreds of miles exhausted, on a motorway with your most precious cargo in the car!

They're being ridiculous. I'm sure grandmother could travel if she really wanted to.