Pushy mother in law

[BellaBelle1234]

Would love to get another opinion on my situation, I am due to give birth in October my husband is working away so won’t be there for the birth or till after baby is a few months old , my husbands family is from up north I am down south , They keep pressuring me now to ask me what day I will be going up after I have the baby to which I have responded I can’t give them a day as I don’t know how my labour will go and how il be feeling etc , I have opened the doors and said they are more then welcome to come down here which they are , but his grandmother cannot make the trip which she keeps moaning about , anyway I do plan on going up but they want me to stay in there house which I really really don’t want to I would rather get a hotel or serviced apartment and go see them every day with the baby , is this unreasonable? They have huge stairs in theirs and to be honest it’s not just that I just want my own space at the end of the day , I think I am being fair as I am making the trip up there and making an effort so is it really rude that I want my own space with a new born baby? I don’t mind going up there I just can’t bare the thought of not being able to switch off at the end of the day with my baby , his grandmother has already told me she will be ordering a crib for the baby for when we go to stay after I give birth so they are assuming I am going to stay with them, I am really stressing out about telling them , am I wrong ?

I actually agreed a 100 mile visit to in-laws 8 days after an emergency caesarean. Well, 200 there and back.

It was agony. Had the sense to put my foot down after that.

All of the above reasons, but here’s another one to add to the pile.

Your working away husband wants to be present when his DMand DGM meet the baby. Since he will have missed the birth you think this is a very important “first” for him to have.

@Doomscrolling

I actually agreed a 100 mile visit to in-laws 8 days after an emergency caesarean. Well, 200 there and back.

It was agony. Had the sense to put my foot down after that.

Wow at least you learnt xxx

@IWantT0BreakFree

Can't your husband deal with this? Why is it up to you to negotiate with his pushy family? He should be handling these conversations and putting a stop to it. I understand he works away but presumably he is still contactable?

Don't feel you need to bow to their demands out of politeness. They are certainly not being at all polite or considerate of you or your baby, so you owe them nothing in return. I'd actually be very angry in your shoes that they are placing all these demands for their own selfish reasons without any care for their DIL or GC.

Tell them - firmly! - that you will try and visit with the baby at some point in the first few months if you can. That's obviously if you actually want to. Tell them that you will see how things go and that you will need to be around at home for midwife and HV appointments anyway so cannot possibly commit to anything until you know when these will be, which won't be until after the baby arrives. Tell them - again, firmly! - that if you come you will sort your own accommodation thank you. No need to give any reasons. If they push, just repeat that you would rather have your own space. No further explanation required.

Just keep repeating the above when they get pushy. And if they really keep going on, I'd just say actually on second thoughts I am going to wait until DH is back and we will come up together. This is too much pressure I am already going to be single handedly parenting a newborn and don't need the added hassle from family who are supposed to care for us. It was a big ask from you for me to travel solo with a tiny baby anyway but I was willing to do so, however all these extra demands are too much. You know where we are if you want to come down for a short visit.

Wow absolutely perfectly articulated!! Thank you so much will be saying all this now xxxx

@IWantT0BreakFree

Can't your husband deal with this? Why is it up to you to negotiate with his pushy family? He should be handling these conversations and putting a stop to it. I understand he works away but presumably he is still contactable?

Don't feel you need to bow to their demands out of politeness. They are certainly not being at all polite or considerate of you or your baby, so you owe them nothing in return. I'd actually be very angry in your shoes that they are placing all these demands for their own selfish reasons without any care for their DIL or GC.

Tell them - firmly! - that you will try and visit with the baby at some point in the first few months if you can. That's obviously if you actually want to. Tell them that you will see how things go and that you will need to be around at home for midwife and HV appointments anyway so cannot possibly commit to anything until you know when these will be, which won't be until after the baby arrives. Tell them - again, firmly! - that if you come you will sort your own accommodation thank you. No need to give any reasons. If they push, just repeat that you would rather have your own space. No further explanation required.

Just keep repeating the above when they get pushy. And if they really keep going on, I'd just say actually on second thoughts I am going to wait until DH is back and we will come up together. This is too much pressure I am already going to be single handedly parenting a newborn and don't need the added hassle from family who are supposed to care for us. It was a big ask from you for me to travel solo with a tiny baby anyway but I was willing to do so, however all these extra demands are too much. You know where we are if you want to come down for a short visit.

I haven't wanted to make a big deal out of it , I thought il just wait till baby is here an then I can see how I feel , but if they continue I will be telling him , he doesn't really get it he just looks at it so on them being excited x

Good for you-let us know how it goes!

@Howshouldibehave

Good for you-let us know how it goes!

I will for sure 😂 thanks all for your fantastic advice feel like a weight has been lifted xxxx

OP,

Do you know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do? Say “no”. It’s difficult if you’re people pleaser or faced with manipulation,waterworks, guilt trips, whatever.

You don’t know what kind of labour you’ll have, how will you feel, if the baby will be easy or not.
First baby is a huge adjustment to life.

You said they could visit. They are welcome. Relationships work both ways,not just one person doing all the legwork.

Don’t commit yourself to anything and ignore all attempts to get at you.

Well this is just making me sit with my legs crossed!

C section - you won’t be able to drive, but even sitting for a long time isn’t great, you’ll need to lie down at some point.

Stitches, again can be sore and you’ll need a nice warm bath to help relive the pain.

Breast feeding - not a spectator sport!

Up in the night, you’ll need access to the kitchen and bathroom at all times, would you feel comfortable in another home?

Even nipping to the loo and waking everyone with a crying baby makes it difficult.

The other issue is the tiredness, you don’t even know what day it is, the exhaustion is unreal! I wouldn’t attempt to drive anywhere that far with so little sleep.

A baby crying on the motorway is a huge distraction because you can’t just pull over and deal with them. They have to cry until you hit a service station.

I also think having so many visitors with a newborn is a really bad idea. They get passed around and it unsettles them, plus with Covid - you don’t need that as well.

I would put a stop to this expectation now and tell them you aren’t discussing this any further.

@FrenchBoule

OP,

Do you know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do? Say “no”. It’s difficult if you’re people pleaser or faced with manipulation,waterworks, guilt trips, whatever.

You don’t know what kind of labour you’ll have, how will you feel, if the baby will be easy or not.
First baby is a huge adjustment to life.

You said they could visit. They are welcome. Relationships work both ways,not just one person doing all the legwork.

Don’t commit yourself to anything and ignore all attempts to get at you.

Thank you I just haven't wanted to rock the boat and I also thought what is the point of kicking off now , il wait til the baby is here , but it's eating me up keeping my mouth shut now and I feel I will explode at some point , so next time they make a desperate attempt to ask me when il be going up , I will be hitting them with the facts haha xx

@BluebellsGreenbells

Well this is just making me sit with my legs crossed!

C section - you won’t be able to drive, but even sitting for a long time isn’t great, you’ll need to lie down at some point.

Stitches, again can be sore and you’ll need a nice warm bath to help relive the pain.

Breast feeding - not a spectator sport!

Up in the night, you’ll need access to the kitchen and bathroom at all times, would you feel comfortable in another home?

Even nipping to the loo and waking everyone with a crying baby makes it difficult.

The other issue is the tiredness, you don’t even know what day it is, the exhaustion is unreal! I wouldn’t attempt to drive anywhere that far with so little sleep.

A baby crying on the motorway is a huge distraction because you can’t just pull over and deal with them. They have to cry until you hit a service station.

I also think having so many visitors with a newborn is a really bad idea. They get passed around and it unsettles them, plus with Covid - you don’t need that as well.

I would put a stop to this expectation now and tell them you aren’t discussing this any further.

Thank you so much everything you have said is right on point , so glad I reached out on here xxx

he doesn't really get it he just looks at it so on them being excited

Does he not see that you might find this stressful though? That’s not good. He’s basically just leaving you to cope with his family AND his baby all alone. I would be laying out my feelings to him now as the last thing you want is them whinging to him about you and him agreeing!

This post has pissed me off more than it should tbh.

Soooo, grandma can't come down to see the baby, but she expects not only you (who will have just given birth, and will likely be sore and exhausted with a newborn), but also your baby, who will need fed, changed, and soothed several times during your trip? Do they have any idea how much they're asking of you?! It's beyond selfish!!

Not to mention, it's not safe at all for a newborn to be in the car that long. They can't hold their heads up yet, and could stop breathing during the trip due to their positioning in their car seats.

Please do not make this trip! Make these selfish people come to you, and don't take any of their sh*t. You poor thing ❤

Saying "no" is not rocking the boat. If you don't set some boundaries now you will regret it later on. I'd be saying that you won't be able to make the trip to see them until your husband is back to support you on the journey. Just say "no, I can't come on my own, we'll come and see you as a family as soon as we possibly can".

Could your mum or someone travel with you when you are going up. It would take a lot of pressure off travelling on your own. Also a reason to book some where to stay because you can't ask them to accommodate your companion too. Could you just wait until your partner is home.

@BigTD45

This post has pissed me off more than it should tbh.

Soooo, grandma can't come down to see the baby, but she expects not only you (who will have just given birth, and will likely be sore and exhausted with a newborn), but also your baby, who will need fed, changed, and soothed several times during your trip? Do they have any idea how much they're asking of you?! It's beyond selfish!!

Not to mention, it's not safe at all for a newborn to be in the car that long. They can't hold their heads up yet, and could stop breathing during the trip due to their positioning in their car seats.

Please do not make this trip! Make these selfish people come to you, and don't take any of their sh*t. You poor thing ❤

Thank you so much , i feel confident to tell them straight now this is not acceptable, no more pandering to their needs xxxx

@Nutsabouttopic

Could your mum or someone travel with you when you are going up. It would take a lot of pressure off travelling on your own. Also a reason to book some where to stay because you can't ask them to accommodate your companion too. Could you just wait until your partner is home.

Yes my sister was actually going to be the one to drive me (I never told them she was coming ) but if they had an issue with it I would have told them exactly where to stick it ! I would have blamed it on needing the help getting up there then that was my excuse to also staying at a hotel or an apartment xxxx

Not quite the answer to your question, but make sure you are very clear to your husband you’re stressed and upset by this. And don’t sugarcoat it when baby is born. Not ‘I’m fine’, if it’s accurate say ‘I don’t know if I can do this, i had no idea it would be so hard, I’m not coping’. He’s not there and sounds like he will assume you’re doing fine unless you hit him over the head with the truth. Maybe you will be fine which would be great, I know I wouldn’t have been fine at all without my husband with either of my new babies but if he wasn’t there he could easily just assume it’s all going fine and you’re coping A-ok.

This post has really pissed me off, I am so angry on your behalf!! Your ILs are so selfish. There is no way I'd be putting a baby through that unnecessary journey when they are a few months old, never mind a few weeks old!! Even if your DH is driving up with you. It is way too long a journey. Your DH needs to tell his ILs to back off and it is not under for discussion.

Jesus, this is triggering in an allied but not the same sort of way.

Will spare you the details, but my fucking parents came to stay for a month after I had my first and only child.

I was 37 and wish I had found my voice, I am 57 now and I have a voice and I use it.

My mother is getting old and crabby and started bitching about an invite to a family wedding that she may, or not receive next year.

I responded, it is an invitation, not a summons. Thank you MN.

She did her best goldfish impression it was brilliant.

@Nutsabouttopic

Could your mum or someone travel with you when you are going up. It would take a lot of pressure off travelling on your own. Also a reason to book some where to stay because you can't ask them to accommodate your companion too. Could you just wait until your partner is home.

The only word that matters here, is NO

@timeisnotaline

Not quite the answer to your question, but make sure you are very clear to your husband you’re stressed and upset by this. And don’t sugarcoat it when baby is born. Not ‘I’m fine’, if it’s accurate say ‘I don’t know if I can do this, i had no idea it would be so hard, I’m not coping’. He’s not there and sounds like he will assume you’re doing fine unless you hit him over the head with the truth. Maybe you will be fine which would be great, I know I wouldn’t have been fine at all without my husband with either of my new babies but if he wasn’t there he could easily just assume it’s all going fine and you’re coping A-ok.

I know , this is a complete first for me so I actually don't know how I will be , I have a really close family I have a lot of support so I'm not worried in that sense , I just thought I will wait till baby is here an tell them some home truths , but I can't let them go on like this making me feel as if I am having the baby for their needs and being pressured as to when I will be going up as soon as I give birth ! I realise now it's not a normal way to talk to a new expectant mother. Thank you for the great advice xx

Although they should make the effort, if they visit you they might expect to stay with you. Which sounds like a nightmare as a new mum.
I'd say I'll be happy to come up to see you once the midwives say it's ok, obviously you'll give them as much notice as possible. Then book a non refundable apartment. A fridge and microwave will be a godsend.
Say your dh booked it as a treat for you??

Sorry, missed the info on how far it is. If they come to you, they'll camp out at yours and you won't have a minute to yourself? How will you tell them to make tea, or to go home as you're tired?

@forrestgreen

Although they should make the effort, if they visit you they might expect to stay with you. Which sounds like a nightmare as a new mum. I'd say I'll be happy to come up to see you once the midwives say it's ok, obviously you'll give them as much notice as possible. Then book a non refundable apartment. A fridge and microwave will be a godsend. Say your dh booked it as a treat for you??

Great idea an he can bloody book it for me to . A luxurious one at that ! X