AIBU and treating someone as "a second class friend"?

[CasEJW]

So this situation involves me and 3 friends, I'm just going to use first initials.

I met up with S for dinner this week, she told me that she had plans to have drinks with A (who neither of us have seen in many months) on Saturday, would I like to come along if A was ok with that? I agreed and told her that another friend, T had previously asked to do something with me on Saturday and at the time I hadn't been sure if I was free and so said no, could we invite him along too? S was fine with that, said she'd talk to A and let me know.
Today S messages me, says that A was fine with me joining, I asked about inviting T, she said I could and I did.

S then messages me to say that A didn't want T there. I had assumed she'd asked about him when she did me but she'd forgotten and then just assumed A would be fine with T coming too and didn't ask me to wait for her to ask A.

Now as far as I am concerned these were A and S's plans. I've been in A's position before and felt obligated to say that other people can join in on plans when I would rather they didn't and I ended up wishing that I hadn't gone out at all. S and I were in agreement that saying T was coming anyway would just make everyone uncomfortable.
So I had the awkward job of calling T to explain, asking if anything had happened between him and A to explain why he wouldn't want him there (apparently not?). I apologized for the situation, offered to make arrangements for he and I (and possibly S) to do something separately on a different day. T said that he was upset that A didn't want him there and the rest of the call was spent with him trying to think why.

Over an hour later I get a message from T saying that he is pissed off with me and S because we are treating him like a "second class friend".

I explained that this wasn't originally supposed to be a group outing, that they were A's plans to start with and if he isn't comfortable with T being there then it's unfair and disrespectful for us just to bring T along, I explained being in A's position etc. Everything that I've put in this post.

And the response I've got is "I can see it from your perspective you're just wrong."

If A had said that he hadn't wanted me to join I wouldn't have had an issue. I can understand T being upset about being invited but I really don't see what how doing anything else would have accomplished anything but extreme awkwardness and an unenjoyable night out.

AIBU? What would you have done differently?

T asked you out first but you obviously saw going out with S and A as a better offer, so I kind of think you were treating T as second best even before you got into the situation with A. If you’re friends with A why didn’t you ask them at the outset instead of going through S?

Well this is very convoluted bit my understanding is that you had vague plans with T but blew them off to do something with S and A. A has refused to include T so you have, in fact, treated T like a second class friend. Have o misunderstood or is that straightforward?

Well apart from all sounding about 13 years old I would say yes you’ve treated T like a second class friend.
Turning him down then making plans with someone else, inviting him along and then in inviting him. In your position I would have just done something with T rather than telling him he wasn’t wanted. Very insensitive of you

**Uninviting

You sound tactless

Why didn't you tell S and A "okay, no worries, I'll catch up with you another time" and continue your plans with poor T? No reason to even tell him you'll no longer be seeing him because you're off out with the other two and he's not wanted. Totally with T. You've clearly chosen S and A and he is your second class friend. You weren't even discrete about it. Poor guy.

You’ve basically cancelled plans with T to spend time with two other friends, one of which doesn’t want him there. So as a group you have excluded him.

In your shoes I would have told S and A that I already had plans with T so I would just stick with them and see them another night.

When A didn't want T to attend (perfectly reasonably) I think you should have also withdrawn and gone for your planned evening with T.
You treated him badly imo

I’d have gone out with T and seen the others another time.

you had an arrangement with T, but something better came up for you.

When A said she didn't want T there, that meant you didn't go either, because you had arranged to be with T

You needed to be sure T was welcome before even mentioning it to him, and as he wasn't welcome, you should not have mentioned it to him at all.

If A had agreed to inviting T, but T hadn't wanted to go, then you still should have spent the time with T, as you had arranged with him first.

You have treated T badly

You really need to apologise to T!

You had 'loose plans' with T. You should have locked that down as in yes/no/what are we doing, before making plans with S and A.

Secondly, when you found out that A didn't want T there YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT. The right thing to do would have been to tell S that you would catch up with them another time and you go out with T. If pressed by T you should have said, something about the two friends wanting a quiet chat. But instead you embarrassed T then and dropped him for your other friends. I would be angry too

Agreed, you have turned down plans with T for a better offer. Then actually told him A doesn’t want him there! You should have said to S/A at the time, no worries I’m out with T on Saturday so we’ll catch up another time. I think you’ve been unkind. But also why doesn’t A want him there?

Sorry but if T asked you first, which he did, then when A said he couldn’t come you should have said ok, but T asked me first so I will be seeing him and will catch up with you later

So yes you are treating him like a second class friend

Y ou need to apologise, decline meeting the others and keep your original meeting up with T

I don’t think you could have handled this any worse.

T must be feeling pretty awful right now.

Why did you need to tell T he wasn't wanted? You had made loose plans with him first (but maybe weren't keen to see him? As you were able to make firm plans with the others...) When the others said they didn't want him around you should have said "ok I'll catch up with the two of you another time." Not told T you were abandoning him for better plans!

I really think your both telling T and dumping him to socialise with A and S, is very much treating him like a second class citizen and isn't any way to treat a friend.

I think you should ring him up, give apologies and honour your commitment with him. Letting S know too. Though I'm not sure if a friend treated me this way I'd be eager to see them per se, I think a heartfelt apology goes a long way.

How very rude! I would have cancelled with S and A who sound like dicks telling people they are friends with that they can't come for a drink and gone our with T. I certainly wouldn't have told him S said they didn't want him there. How rude of you!

@Elkey

Why didn't you tell S and A "okay, no worries, I'll catch up with you another time" and continue your plans with poor T? No reason to even tell him you'll no longer be seeing him because you're off out with the other two and he's not wanted. Totally with T. You've clearly chosen S and A and he is your second class friend. You weren't even discrete about it. Poor guy.

This^^

All you need to say was A&S had dropped out or decided to have a 1:1 themselves .T asked you first. You've have treated him like he's second best and then told him!

Yeah, you stuffed this one up. You should have just gone out with S given that A didn't want him to join. Honestly, you said too much, and you've dug a deeper hole with each attempt at excusing your behaviour.

I’m #teamT

Once you knew S and A did t want T there you should have just continued plans to see T.

Why did you even agree to see S and A when you had vague plans with T??

Its a reverse isnt it? ....

I think I must have badly worded part of my original post because a lot of people are under the impression that I had plans with T. This is not the case.

Earlier in the week T asked me if I wanted to go out and I said no because I didn't know if I would be available (the reason being that I'm to be babysitting in the day and there was a chance of that becoming and over night job - but the reason isn't really relevant).

I found out I would be free literally just before I had dinner with S which is when the invite to join her and A was made (if A was ok with this). And I said about possibly inviting T too because I had turned him down before.

T knew my reason for saying no at the time was that I didn't know if I was free or not. There was no 'maybe if I'm free' or any vague arrangements.

If this is real you are an awful friend then