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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and treating someone as "a second class friend"?

156 replies

CasEJW · 21/08/2021 00:21

So this situation involves me and 3 friends, I'm just going to use first initials.

I met up with S for dinner this week, she told me that she had plans to have drinks with A (who neither of us have seen in many months) on Saturday, would I like to come along if A was ok with that? I agreed and told her that another friend, T had previously asked to do something with me on Saturday and at the time I hadn't been sure if I was free and so said no, could we invite him along too? S was fine with that, said she'd talk to A and let me know.
Today S messages me, says that A was fine with me joining, I asked about inviting T, she said I could and I did.

S then messages me to say that A didn't want T there. I had assumed she'd asked about him when she did me but she'd forgotten and then just assumed A would be fine with T coming too and didn't ask me to wait for her to ask A.

Now as far as I am concerned these were A and S's plans. I've been in A's position before and felt obligated to say that other people can join in on plans when I would rather they didn't and I ended up wishing that I hadn't gone out at all. S and I were in agreement that saying T was coming anyway would just make everyone uncomfortable.
So I had the awkward job of calling T to explain, asking if anything had happened between him and A to explain why he wouldn't want him there (apparently not?). I apologized for the situation, offered to make arrangements for he and I (and possibly S) to do something separately on a different day. T said that he was upset that A didn't want him there and the rest of the call was spent with him trying to think why.

Over an hour later I get a message from T saying that he is pissed off with me and S because we are treating him like a "second class friend".

I explained that this wasn't originally supposed to be a group outing, that they were A's plans to start with and if he isn't comfortable with T being there then it's unfair and disrespectful for us just to bring T along, I explained being in A's position etc. Everything that I've put in this post.

And the response I've got is "I can see it from your perspective you're just wrong."

If A had said that he hadn't wanted me to join I wouldn't have had an issue. I can understand T being upset about being invited but I really don't see what how doing anything else would have accomplished anything but extreme awkwardness and an unenjoyable night out.

AIBU? What would you have done differently?

OP posts:
MangosteenSoda · 21/08/2021 03:03

I don’t think that update makes it any better tbh.

You have inadvertently let T know that you prefer to spend time with the other two people over him, but the absolute worst bit is uninviting him AND TELLING HIM WHY!

Bufferingkisses · 21/08/2021 03:08

No. T asked, you said no because... your because changed so you should have gone back to T and said "hey, still up for it?"

Instead you made plans with other people on the basis of T maybe joining. If it had been "yes if T can join otherwise I'll meet T and see you another time" that would be fine. In reality you blew T off for S and A.

Your correct response when T was uninvited was "ok cool, I'll see T and catch you next time".

T is your second rate friend.

redtshirt50 · 21/08/2021 03:18

I agree the update doesn't help.

T asked you to do something you said no, I'm not sure if I'm free.

You then find out you are free, and make plans with S, A and T.

T can't come, so you ditch them for S and A. I would feel second class too if I was T.

As everyone has already said, you should have told T you would do something with them and do something with S and A another time.

NoNever · 21/08/2021 03:21

Yikes. You said no to T because you had other plans. Those plans fell through so you made plans with S & A rather than go back to T, and then you invited T only to uninvite him and tell him he wasn’t wanted after all and you’re shocked T might be a little upset about it all.

This is really thoughtless and mean behaviour.

ClaryFairchild · 21/08/2021 03:31

Yep. Still digging that hole I see.

Topseyt · 21/08/2021 03:34

You sound tactless and tone deaf with regard to T, to whom I think you now owe a very big apology despite your update, which really changes nothing.

ClaryFairchild · 21/08/2021 03:36

When you found out A didn't want T there AFTER you invited T, you should have bowed out of meeting A and S and met with T instead.

A simple "sorry, I was under the impression that T could join us and have invited him. So going to meet with him instead" to A and S would have solved this.

You acted like a twat and owe T an apology.

Cloudfrost · 21/08/2021 03:40

With friends like you and A... I feel bad for T.
You have behaved appalingly

Doomscrolling · 21/08/2021 03:42

Wow. How humiliating for T.

Myshitisreal · 21/08/2021 04:21

Poor T dropped like a hot potato.

You should have tried to firm up plans with T when you realised you were free.

Not only did you make T aware of a horrible exclusion - him not being "wanted", but you've probably created a very awkward situation & friction for the other person who didn't want him there. This is so hurtful, to be invited then told "actually no, such and such didn't want you there". I'm cringing that you think this is reasonable behaviour.

Poor T. You'll need a big shovel to dig yourself out of this one

Balonzette · 21/08/2021 04:29

You handled this awfully.

Look at if from his perspective. T invited you out first and you say no as you're not free. But you're suddenly free when A+S want you to go out? It might seem a bit like you just didn't want to meet him but can tolerate him in a group setting.

And THEN you phone him and tell him he's uninvited because someone didn't want him there - so hurtful - but that you're still going along even though he asked you out first on the Saturday? You are treating him like you like him less than the others, and like he is not a close friend. I can totally see why he thinks this.

The kind thing to do would have been to say "Well, sorry A+S, T invited me out first and I don't feel comfortable being the one to tell him he's not wanted on this day out (which is HORRIBLE by the way, unless something awful has happened), so you guys enjoy your activity and I'll go out with T."

And then make up an excuse to T about why A+S weren't there.

That would have saved T's feelings. Instead he probably feels really ganged up on, hurt, un-valued, and totally shit.

If I was T I'd bin the lot of you.

Balonzette · 21/08/2021 04:31

I agree your update does NOT make things any better.

SquarePotato · 21/08/2021 04:49

I hope T finds himself a friend who treats him better than you do.

Magenta82 · 21/08/2021 05:21

Phoning T and telling him that he wasn't welcome but you were still going was a horrible thing to do.

You made him feel like shit twice over, once by telling him the others don't want him and a second time by showing him you feel the same and value them more than him.

You should have bowed out and done something with T.

Jaguar77 · 21/08/2021 05:38

That was impossible to follow

Garfunkle · 21/08/2021 05:47

You treated T very badly.

bellabasset · 21/08/2021 06:13

I would have text S to say that as she had agreed to invite T you weren't prepared to uninvite him and would be rearranging your plans to just you and him.

Nought out of ten for tact! How could you have been so thoughtless as to tell T the reason your plans had altered?

RyanReynoldsHusband · 21/08/2021 06:23

The update makes it worse.

You didn’t know if you were free, so if you were free then T would be the one who you make plans with first.

You did blow T off and treat them like a second class friend.

ittakes2 · 21/08/2021 06:24

When you became free since T asked you first I would have told him you were free. Either that or not told him he was not invited out with your friends. That was hurtful - you could have gone out and asked the other friend why. There is a good chance she has something personal to discuss and just wanted to be with the two female friends and it was nothing negative about T.

Hercisback · 21/08/2021 06:30

Your update doesn't help.

Cancel with S&A and see T.

MyCatDribbles · 21/08/2021 06:32

If I was T I’d be feeling very hurt

UnsuitableHat · 21/08/2021 06:33

At the point where you were told T wasn’t welcome, I think the best thing would have been for you to sack the other two off and revert to your original plans with T, without giving too much details about reasons. The phone call you made to T sounds excruciating!

anotherday235 · 21/08/2021 06:34

OP put yourself in Ts shoes and think about how you would feel.

I think most people at the point they heard T was uninvited would have just made their own plans with T.

UnsuitableHat · 21/08/2021 06:36

Ah sorry not reading properly, but I think you could have found out if T was welcome BEFORE inviting him out with the others. Anything to avoid uninviting.

ShingleBeach · 21/08/2021 06:41

When S suggested you joining with A you should have said ‘not sure, let me check with T as he suggested something’, and having been included as a third addition to the A and S arrangement you should not have then added in yet another person.
A thought she was meeting S
S invited you
You then added T…

No wonder A was passed off.

And you did treat T as second best. Once you had availability you didn’t then check back with T.