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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and treating someone as "a second class friend"?

156 replies

CasEJW · 21/08/2021 00:21

So this situation involves me and 3 friends, I'm just going to use first initials.

I met up with S for dinner this week, she told me that she had plans to have drinks with A (who neither of us have seen in many months) on Saturday, would I like to come along if A was ok with that? I agreed and told her that another friend, T had previously asked to do something with me on Saturday and at the time I hadn't been sure if I was free and so said no, could we invite him along too? S was fine with that, said she'd talk to A and let me know.
Today S messages me, says that A was fine with me joining, I asked about inviting T, she said I could and I did.

S then messages me to say that A didn't want T there. I had assumed she'd asked about him when she did me but she'd forgotten and then just assumed A would be fine with T coming too and didn't ask me to wait for her to ask A.

Now as far as I am concerned these were A and S's plans. I've been in A's position before and felt obligated to say that other people can join in on plans when I would rather they didn't and I ended up wishing that I hadn't gone out at all. S and I were in agreement that saying T was coming anyway would just make everyone uncomfortable.
So I had the awkward job of calling T to explain, asking if anything had happened between him and A to explain why he wouldn't want him there (apparently not?). I apologized for the situation, offered to make arrangements for he and I (and possibly S) to do something separately on a different day. T said that he was upset that A didn't want him there and the rest of the call was spent with him trying to think why.

Over an hour later I get a message from T saying that he is pissed off with me and S because we are treating him like a "second class friend".

I explained that this wasn't originally supposed to be a group outing, that they were A's plans to start with and if he isn't comfortable with T being there then it's unfair and disrespectful for us just to bring T along, I explained being in A's position etc. Everything that I've put in this post.

And the response I've got is "I can see it from your perspective you're just wrong."

If A had said that he hadn't wanted me to join I wouldn't have had an issue. I can understand T being upset about being invited but I really don't see what how doing anything else would have accomplished anything but extreme awkwardness and an unenjoyable night out.

AIBU? What would you have done differently?

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/08/2021 07:48

I would have said to to t well god knows what's up with a but sod him, lets me and you go for dinner.

Watermelon40 · 21/08/2021 07:50

I agree with everything everyone else on here has said.

I have been T in the past in a group of friends (but wasn’t as brave to tell them how I felt). It really hurt on numerous occasions and eventually I moved completely away from the group.

Meeting up was always on their terms. Sometimes I was included, other times not. If I suggested meeting up, they’d usually say no but then they’d arrange something different on the same day with others. Weird behaviour for adults in my opinion.

Tommc62 · 21/08/2021 07:51

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Tommc62 · 21/08/2021 07:53

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Watermelon40 · 21/08/2021 07:54

Oh and it’s obvious that you prefer meeting up with S and A rather than T, or you’d have got back in touch with him when you found out you were free. He is definitely your 2nd class friend.

But then perhaps A prefers to just meet up with S and not you if you weren’t originally invited. You may be A’s 2nd class friend!!

HungryHippo11 · 21/08/2021 07:55

@Mumoftwoinprimary

Yes - all you had to do was text S and say “no problem - I’ll do something else with T - have a great time!” and then T saying “looks like A & S are doing something else now so it’s just us - shall we go to the Fox & Barrel?” and there would have been no awkwardness and no one would have got hurt.
I agree with this.
Spondooliesforholibobs · 21/08/2021 07:56

I would have declined to meet A and T and gone out with T. I think saying there is a reason to uninvited you that cannot easily be conveyed is mean and A and S should have just allowed T to come if T has already been asked.
I’d feel awful if I was T.

WellThisIsShit · 21/08/2021 07:57

We don’t misunderstand your actions, no re-explaining or shuffling around the story is going to make you sound better I’m afraid.

If there is any misunderstanding, it is on your part. it seems you are missing the empathy to understand the consequences though, poor T.

As @Magenta82 writes:

“Phoning T and telling him that he wasn't welcome but you were still going was a horrible thing to do.

You made him feel like shit twice over, once by telling him the others don't want him and a second time by showing him you feel the same and value them more than him.”

Doomscrolling · 21/08/2021 07:58

That poor guy! He must be feeling like crap now.

bookh · 21/08/2021 08:02

Exactly what @Mumoftwoinprimary said. You have behaved terribly. Poor T.

LemonTT · 21/08/2021 08:05

The OP will be along soon to report she gets it. Then she will agree to an apology that will of course include a “but”. That directs blame elsewhere. The OP will be extremely distraught. Someone will tell her she sounds lovely and to ignore the bullies answering her question. 🤷‍♀️

OP I live in hope that the rest of the alphabet realises that U is crass and selfish and dumps U.

DysmalRadius · 21/08/2021 08:06

I can't imagine a scenario in which I would tell someone that a mutual friend didn't want to see them. You've not only upset T, but you've really dropped A in it as well by laying the blame for T being uninvited at A's door. Why would you TELL T that A didn't want to see them? That's really cruel to both parties.

Jasmine11 · 21/08/2021 08:11

You are in the wrong here. You told T you would let him know if you were free but instead of that you made plans with someone else and hoped he would tag along, and then dumped him from those arrangements anyway. If A didn't want to see T, then you should have cancelled the plans with A. On the other hand it's up to you who you chose to spend your free time with, but T is right in feeling like a second class friend to you, and I would be pissed off in their position too.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 21/08/2021 08:17

Just own up to the fact that you wanted to see S and A more.

Peabodi · 21/08/2021 08:17

Oh my life WHAT is wrong with you?!

Of course you're in the wrong and you sound awful.

Firstly, you had plans with T. If A isn't happy with T coming then YOU GO OUT WITH T.

Secondly, and you're an adult so why anyone should explain this to you is beyond me...

WHY WOULD YOU TELL T THAT A DIDNT WANT HIM THERE? Surely you know that would hurt his feelings.

Wow. Well done.

WimpoleHat · 21/08/2021 08:21

@Mumoftwoinprimary

Yes - all you had to do was text S and say “no problem - I’ll do something else with T - have a great time!” and then T saying “looks like A & S are doing something else now so it’s just us - shall we go to the Fox & Barrel?” and there would have been no awkwardness and no one would have got hurt.
This is spot on. Poor T….
Cheesewiz · 21/08/2021 08:21

Read your update and your still a bad friend.

Cheesewiz · 21/08/2021 08:22

*you're

AnyOldPrion · 21/08/2021 08:23

It was S’s error, but if I had invited T out, then found out he wasn’t wanted, I’d never have called him and told him that. Even if I was really pissed off to be placed in that position, I’d still have told S that in that case, I could no longer go out with them and would see T instead.

You might reasonably have told S that you were somewhat frustrated she’d put you in this position. She might then have negotiated with A on the grounds that it was her that messed up: the ball would have been in her court to get it sorted out.

But as it is, you’ve allowed S to put you in an impossible situation with T, and instead of telling S that, you’ve gone along with S and allowed T to be hurt.

Maybe you don’t like T as much as you like A and S, but that’s no excuse to treat him badly. And if S is willing to encourage you to treat T that way, then S is not a particularly nice person.

You might find one day you’re the friend they don’t want. Think about how that would feel. That’s how T feels now. I hope he finds some decent friends who actually care about him.

Terhou · 21/08/2021 08:25

Firstly, you had plans with T. If A isn't happy with T coming then YOU GO OUT WITH T.

She didn't have plans with T. Before getting out the shouty caps, read all the OP's posts.

CakeandGo · 21/08/2021 08:29

When they said T wasn’t invited I would have done something with T and not gone into too much detail about why the other plans fell through.
Why did you feel the need to tell T that A didn’t want them there?!
Totally unnecessary and hurtful.
T asked you first, you’ve clearly ditched them for a better offer!

AnyOldPrion · 21/08/2021 08:29

@Terhou

Firstly, you had plans with T. If A isn't happy with T coming then YOU GO OUT WITH T.

She didn't have plans with T. Before getting out the shouty caps, read all the OP's posts.

As soon as OP asked T to go along with her to meet A & S, she had plans with T.

Whether there were earlier plans or not, the moment OP made plans with T to go out, there was an obligation to T which could not be backed out of without hurting his feelings.

FlowerArranger · 21/08/2021 08:30

@RyanReynoldsHusband

The update makes it worse.

You didn’t know if you were free, so if you were free then T would be the one who you make plans with first.

You did blow T off and treat them like a second class friend.

^
MsTSwift · 21/08/2021 08:31

My friend was abit weepy explaining that her dd had realised her friendship group had arranged to go to town excluding one girl x and my friends dd told the others she was going with x not them as she wouldn’t take part in the bitchy exclusion. My friends 13 year old has more decency than this op!

sonjadog · 21/08/2021 08:31

Yeah, your treated T like a second class friend. Poor guy. I suspect he might not be so interested in being your friend after this.

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