AIBU and treating someone as "a second class friend"?

[CasEJW]

So this situation involves me and 3 friends, I'm just going to use first initials.

I met up with S for dinner this week, she told me that she had plans to have drinks with A (who neither of us have seen in many months) on Saturday, would I like to come along if A was ok with that? I agreed and told her that another friend, T had previously asked to do something with me on Saturday and at the time I hadn't been sure if I was free and so said no, could we invite him along too? S was fine with that, said she'd talk to A and let me know.
Today S messages me, says that A was fine with me joining, I asked about inviting T, she said I could and I did.

S then messages me to say that A didn't want T there. I had assumed she'd asked about him when she did me but she'd forgotten and then just assumed A would be fine with T coming too and didn't ask me to wait for her to ask A.

Now as far as I am concerned these were A and S's plans. I've been in A's position before and felt obligated to say that other people can join in on plans when I would rather they didn't and I ended up wishing that I hadn't gone out at all. S and I were in agreement that saying T was coming anyway would just make everyone uncomfortable.
So I had the awkward job of calling T to explain, asking if anything had happened between him and A to explain why he wouldn't want him there (apparently not?). I apologized for the situation, offered to make arrangements for he and I (and possibly S) to do something separately on a different day. T said that he was upset that A didn't want him there and the rest of the call was spent with him trying to think why.

Over an hour later I get a message from T saying that he is pissed off with me and S because we are treating him like a "second class friend".

I explained that this wasn't originally supposed to be a group outing, that they were A's plans to start with and if he isn't comfortable with T being there then it's unfair and disrespectful for us just to bring T along, I explained being in A's position etc. Everything that I've put in this post.

And the response I've got is "I can see it from your perspective you're just wrong."

If A had said that he hadn't wanted me to join I wouldn't have had an issue. I can understand T being upset about being invited but I really don't see what how doing anything else would have accomplished anything but extreme awkwardness and an unenjoyable night out.

AIBU? What would you have done differently?

Poor T!

You definitely shouldn’t have told him that A didn’t want him there. I agree with the pp who says that’s the worst thing you did. Plus A probably didn’t want T to be told he didn’t want him there - you’ve dropped him right in it.

Once you knew T wasn’t welcome you should have stuck to seeing him instead of going with S and A. That’s why he feels like a second class friend. You had plans with T first, and you confirmed them by asking him along. Once T wasn’t welcome, it behoved you to drop out too.

@SnarkyBag

Well apart from all sounding about 13 years old I would say yes you’ve treated T like a second class friend. Turning him down then making plans with someone else, inviting him along and then in inviting him. In your position I would have just done something with T rather than telling him he wasn’t wanted. Very insensitive of you

This.

Tbh I couldn't keep my attention to even read the whole post. Sorry op

YANBU, not sure why people are telling you you cancelled plans with T, your OP says you told him no.

I think when A said he didn’t want T there, I would have either said to S that you now have plans with T, so will meet up with S and A another time.

Or if you really wanted to see A and S, I would have told T that plans have fallen through and suggested another date to see him and then gone out with A and S.

You weren’t obliged to meet T on Saturday just because they asked you, you are entitled to say no.

Yeah, the moment you realised you were free and got invited out by S, I probably would have been like "Actually T asked me first but I said no because I wasn't sure I was free, so let me just check to see if he still wants to do something".

I feel really bad for T and I can understand why he feels like a second rate friend. You have some apologising to do.

Right, so from your update:

• T originally asked if you'd like to do something Saturday
• You said no because you weren't sure if you'd be free
• On becoming free you made plans with S and A
• You then invited T
• A decided he didn't want T there so you uninvited T

That's such a spectacularly nasty thing to do to a friend. What you should have done is say to A and S 'ah, OK, I best go out with T now given I've already invited him'. What you definitely shouldn't have done is explain to T that he was uninvited because A didn't want him there.
Honestly, OP, you shouldn't need that spelling out to you.

This thread is over a week old, and the OP had abandoned it then, so I don’t think people are going to get any answers resurrecting it.