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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and treating someone as "a second class friend"?

156 replies

CasEJW · 21/08/2021 00:21

So this situation involves me and 3 friends, I'm just going to use first initials.

I met up with S for dinner this week, she told me that she had plans to have drinks with A (who neither of us have seen in many months) on Saturday, would I like to come along if A was ok with that? I agreed and told her that another friend, T had previously asked to do something with me on Saturday and at the time I hadn't been sure if I was free and so said no, could we invite him along too? S was fine with that, said she'd talk to A and let me know.
Today S messages me, says that A was fine with me joining, I asked about inviting T, she said I could and I did.

S then messages me to say that A didn't want T there. I had assumed she'd asked about him when she did me but she'd forgotten and then just assumed A would be fine with T coming too and didn't ask me to wait for her to ask A.

Now as far as I am concerned these were A and S's plans. I've been in A's position before and felt obligated to say that other people can join in on plans when I would rather they didn't and I ended up wishing that I hadn't gone out at all. S and I were in agreement that saying T was coming anyway would just make everyone uncomfortable.
So I had the awkward job of calling T to explain, asking if anything had happened between him and A to explain why he wouldn't want him there (apparently not?). I apologized for the situation, offered to make arrangements for he and I (and possibly S) to do something separately on a different day. T said that he was upset that A didn't want him there and the rest of the call was spent with him trying to think why.

Over an hour later I get a message from T saying that he is pissed off with me and S because we are treating him like a "second class friend".

I explained that this wasn't originally supposed to be a group outing, that they were A's plans to start with and if he isn't comfortable with T being there then it's unfair and disrespectful for us just to bring T along, I explained being in A's position etc. Everything that I've put in this post.

And the response I've got is "I can see it from your perspective you're just wrong."

If A had said that he hadn't wanted me to join I wouldn't have had an issue. I can understand T being upset about being invited but I really don't see what how doing anything else would have accomplished anything but extreme awkwardness and an unenjoyable night out.

AIBU? What would you have done differently?

OP posts:
Mybestgirl · 21/08/2021 06:42

Poor T…

Nillynally · 21/08/2021 06:42

Yes of course you have. Poor T. I wouldn't have even told him A didn't want to see him, I'd have made an excuse and made plans with him separately. He's right, you are wrong.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 21/08/2021 06:44

Yes - all you had to do was text S and say “no problem - I’ll do something else with T - have a great time!” and then T saying “looks like A & S are doing something else now so it’s just us - shall we go to the Fox & Barrel?” and there would have been no awkwardness and no one would have got hurt.

LimeRedBanana · 21/08/2021 06:45

Yeah, uninviting T was not cool.

Even auto-correct doesn’t like ‘uninviting’ - did not want me to type that word…! Make of that what you will.

herculesoffline · 21/08/2021 06:47

So:
T invited you out
You said no, I might be busy
S and A invited you out
You said yes
You asked if T could come
S said yes
You invited T!!
A said no
You uninvited T
You told T that A didn't want him there
You went out with S and A

Yeah I'm not on your side at all. You have treated T horribly on your part. S and A don't sound great either.

From Ts point of view, not only did you blow him off initially and then make plans separately, you also then told him A had a problem with him (did he know this already?) and that you were choosing S and A over him when he had asked you about plans first!

Penistoe · 21/08/2021 06:47

Update is no better op.

You were asked by T first. If you suddenly became available then he should have been first. He is completely right in his response to you.

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2021 06:48

Yeah you’ve handled this really badly and you owe t an apology

MKCH · 21/08/2021 06:48

Yeah, I think the second part is where you've messed up.

The first part I understand and have also had similar conversations in the past, as in:

"Hey you know you asked if I was free on Sat, well I've just found out that I am actually so would love to meet up - BUT also I'm just sitting with S and she's asked if we'd like to go and meet up with her and A, what do you think?"

That is fine (if I was in T's shoes I'd be fine with that too).

The bit that's then shitty is then choosing S&A over T, and telling T. That's not nice.

Tocktock · 21/08/2021 06:52

@Peakypolly

When A didn't want T to attend (perfectly reasonably) I think you should have also withdrawn and gone for your planned evening with T. You treated him badly imo
That's what I was going to say
MagnoliaBeige · 21/08/2021 06:55

Think about it from T’s point of view - this is what he’s heard from you

  1. I’m not sure if I’m free
  2. I am free but have had another offer in the meantime, want to tag along?
  3. You’re actually not welcome to tag along but I’m still going
lannistunut · 21/08/2021 06:56

I think you've treated T really badly. And he's found out.

Oh dear.

If you like T at all you need to apologise profusely and try to put it right.

LolaLouLou · 21/08/2021 06:58

I voted YANBU by accident . YABU.

SilverTimpani · 21/08/2021 07:12

I still think you’ve been tactless, even after your update.

T asked you to spend an evening with him, but you couldn’t - fine. Subsequently it turned out you could, but you’d had the offer of different plans by then. Still fine. You invite T to join your new plans. Again, still fine. T is subsequently uninvited, but rather than you telling A and S to enjoy their night and you continuing your plans with T, you also ditch T (and somewhat tactlessly tell him he was uninvited). This is where it’s not fine.

T is the poor sod who has been uninvited for no obvious reason. Rather than basically saying ‘sucks to be you’ and going off with the friends who invited you out second, you should have done something with T and left S and A to their night out.

You have treated T like a second class friend by not prioritising spending time with them despite them asking you to first (even though you didn’t have firm plans), and by ditching them from a night they were invited to on the say so of someone else.

It’s very understandable that T feels upset, and feels that your placing his feelings well below the preferences of your other friends.

CrazyCatStory · 21/08/2021 07:15

No one misunderstood you, as much as you might hope so. You have treated T really poorly.

@MagnoliaBeige sums it up perfectly.

LimeRedBanana · 21/08/2021 07:18

Fair play to him for speaking up, I’d just seethe in silent resentment.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 21/08/2021 07:21

Goodness you handled this badly!

Are you very young OP?

It sounds like teenage drama

You should not have asked to bring T

You should not have told T that A did not want him there

You should not have dropped T for A

Subbaxeo · 21/08/2021 07:22

I can’t believe you had to come on here to ask!

AgentProvocateur · 21/08/2021 07:23

You’ve treated T badly and you should apologise.

Apeirogon · 21/08/2021 07:26

Your update doesn't change the fact that T asked you first! When the other plans fell through, you should have spent the evening with T, not S and A.

LawnFever · 21/08/2021 07:27

Wow poor T!

Why on earth did you feel the need to tell him he wasn’t welcome any more?

At that point you should’ve told the others, sorry I’d been invited by him first so I’ll see you another time, he’s now been left on his own, despite inviting you first and yes you have treated him like a second class friend.

Your second update makes it worse, not better Sad

clpsmum · 21/08/2021 07:28

Poor T. I'm glad you're not my friend

whatthejiggeries · 21/08/2021 07:29

Poor T!

Hyppogriff · 21/08/2021 07:31

I still think when you became free to do something - agreeing to see A instead of letting T know you were free first is treating him like a second class friend . Why on earth would you tell him that about the other person not wanting to see him and make it clear you’re going out with them regardless? Super tactless. Overall - poor T and yabu

FreekStar2 · 21/08/2021 07:36

Yes, YABU!

You invited T out, then rang him and said "no sorry we don't want you there anymore"

And you wonder why he's upset?

You should have said "Hi T, there's been a change of plan, it will just be me and you going out now, " and you should have gone out with T and made new plans with S for another night.

IWantT0BreakFree · 21/08/2021 07:42

You've been a shit friend to T. I'm really shocked that someone could behave so thoughtlessly and tactlessly with seemingly no clue whatsoever of how rude they're being. I always assumed people like you were at least aware of what they were doing and just didn't give a shit/had some serious nerve/got a weird kick out of putting a friend down. Never occurred to me that they literally just couldn't comprehend the very obvious issue with their behaviour.

  1. You were tactless to make new plans once you realised you were free without going back to T first, especially given these people are all mutual friends.
  2. You (and S) were both rude to drastically alter plans that A had initially made with S without involving him in the conversation. You don't ask about adding extra people etc via a third party. You speak to the original organiser. For this very reason!
  3. Once you realised that T was uninvited, you should not have told him that! Good grief. That should be obvious. You stirred up trouble and upset T, also landing A in an awkward spot. You should have made an excuse - any excuse - for the meeting with S and A no longer going ahead.
  4. You were extremely rude to stick to your plans with A and S once T had been uninvited. This is where you really were a terrible friend. Your reason for declining T's invitation had been because you were busy, so once you realised you weren't and having already messed up by making new plans with S and A (point 1), you should have cancelled these and reverted to meeting up with T alone once you realised he couldn't join the others.