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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and treating someone as "a second class friend"?

156 replies

CasEJW · 21/08/2021 00:21

So this situation involves me and 3 friends, I'm just going to use first initials.

I met up with S for dinner this week, she told me that she had plans to have drinks with A (who neither of us have seen in many months) on Saturday, would I like to come along if A was ok with that? I agreed and told her that another friend, T had previously asked to do something with me on Saturday and at the time I hadn't been sure if I was free and so said no, could we invite him along too? S was fine with that, said she'd talk to A and let me know.
Today S messages me, says that A was fine with me joining, I asked about inviting T, she said I could and I did.

S then messages me to say that A didn't want T there. I had assumed she'd asked about him when she did me but she'd forgotten and then just assumed A would be fine with T coming too and didn't ask me to wait for her to ask A.

Now as far as I am concerned these were A and S's plans. I've been in A's position before and felt obligated to say that other people can join in on plans when I would rather they didn't and I ended up wishing that I hadn't gone out at all. S and I were in agreement that saying T was coming anyway would just make everyone uncomfortable.
So I had the awkward job of calling T to explain, asking if anything had happened between him and A to explain why he wouldn't want him there (apparently not?). I apologized for the situation, offered to make arrangements for he and I (and possibly S) to do something separately on a different day. T said that he was upset that A didn't want him there and the rest of the call was spent with him trying to think why.

Over an hour later I get a message from T saying that he is pissed off with me and S because we are treating him like a "second class friend".

I explained that this wasn't originally supposed to be a group outing, that they were A's plans to start with and if he isn't comfortable with T being there then it's unfair and disrespectful for us just to bring T along, I explained being in A's position etc. Everything that I've put in this post.

And the response I've got is "I can see it from your perspective you're just wrong."

If A had said that he hadn't wanted me to join I wouldn't have had an issue. I can understand T being upset about being invited but I really don't see what how doing anything else would have accomplished anything but extreme awkwardness and an unenjoyable night out.

AIBU? What would you have done differently?

OP posts:
BradPittsLeftTit · 21/08/2021 09:44

OP, no one misunderstood your opening post. T asked you out first: the only reason you declined was as you weren't sure you were free. And yet the minute you were free you ditched him for another group

But I think worst of all is when discovering T was unwelcome, rather than decline the group night and going out with T instead (not mentioning he wasn't welcome)...you TOLD HIM he wasn't welcome and further asked him what HE'D done to piss A off.

I am honestly hoping this is a reverse and you are actually T as I can't believe anyone would be so rude and not realise it

MyFartWillGoOn · 21/08/2021 09:48

@pam290358

The way I read the post, the OP had already said no to T’s offer for the Saturday because she hadn’t been sure she would be free. So why are people saying she shouldn’t have gone ahead with the plans with S and A when she had nothing firm planned with T anyway ? In that situation, I probably WOULD have bowed out of the plans and done something with T - simply because I’d feel bad about having to uninvite him, but I don’t actually think the OP is treating him as a second class friend.
I think people have read the post the same way you have in that she declined the plans with T but the crux is in the detail.

If you had asked a friend to come out for drinks with you and they'd said, no, sorry I think I might be working, you'd shrug it off. But imagine you then found out that friend went out for drinks with another group that night. You would feel that once your friend realised she wants working, she would be able to join you for drinks. By going out with others, she's sending you a message that she'd rather spend time with others

OP told T she couldn't go as she was potentially babysitting. So once the babysitting wasn't happening, she should have gone to T first and confirmed those plans

That's the common etiquette that I think most people on this thread would follow

RitaFires · 21/08/2021 09:49

Yet another person weighing in to say you've been unfair to both T and A. We don't know why A prefers not to have T at this particular night out but a bit of tact wouldn't have gone astray. There was no reason to single out A as the cause of T not being welcome, you've made things massively awkward between them now. If T is as forthright with A as he was with you about being excluded, I wouldn't expect you to be welcome at any meetups with A again either.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 21/08/2021 09:53

Your original arrangement was to meet up with T. Now, you've ditched T in favour of S & A.

You are precisely treating T like a second class friend.

The correct response would have been to say "Never mind, T and I will do what we originally planned, I'll make arrangements to see you [S & A] soon. Have fun!"

pam290358 · 21/08/2021 09:55

It’s very complicated isn’t it, because the OP WAS actually thinking of T and asked if he could come along. Had the answer been ‘no’ from the start, would she still have gone ahead with A and S ? Had she not extended the invitation, T wouldn’t have known anything about it, and there wouldn’t have been a problem. I do agree with others that she shouldn’t have actually told T he wasn’t welcome, and as I say, I think the decent thing would have been to bow out of the plans with A and S, and do something with T, but it sounds as though none of this has been malicious - this is just an inadvertent problem of the OP’s own making.

Shergill15 · 21/08/2021 10:24

Sorry OP but I have to agree with the others, if I were T I would be feeling like a second class friend. I think the right thing to do once you knew T was not welcome with the others would have been to do something just you and T. It was very tactless to tell T that he wasn't welcome but you were going anyway, whether you meant to be or not I think that's really hurtful. And I'd also be annoyed if I was A, as you have dropped them in it too.

Marimaur · 21/08/2021 10:29

Why did you tell T that A didn't want him there? How did you think that would make him feel?
Also, if these were 'A's & S's plans' why don't you just go hang out with T by yourself and leave them to it?

You've been pretty tactless/a bit rubbish imo.

Sparkletastic · 21/08/2021 10:34

Message T 'I'm so sorry I've been a thoughtless tit. Let's you and I do something today if you can forgive me?'

pam290358 · 21/08/2021 10:43

Message T 'I'm so sorry I've been a thoughtless tit. Let's you and I do something today if you can forgive me?'

And then prepare to have your ass handed to you !!

HereForThis · 21/08/2021 10:55

I think the best thing to do now is to show T that you value him as a friend (if you really do).

  1. Genuinely understand that you treated him poorly in favour of S and A.
  1. Apologise for it.
  1. Offer to do something with him instead, not out of pity but because you now understand what you've done, which hopefully you didn't mean to do.
  1. Tell S and A that you'd see them next time as you've now got plans with T whom you should've checked with first after finding out you were free.
QueenHofScotland · 21/08/2021 10:57

This is all so juvenile and sounds like some of the stuff my 7 and 11 years olds talk about

Shallwegoforawalk · 21/08/2021 11:08

@MagnoliaBeige

Think about it from T’s point of view - this is what he’s heard from you
  1. I’m not sure if I’m free
  2. I am free but have had another offer in the meantime, want to tag along?
  3. You’re actually not welcome to tag along but I’m still going

Yup. That's dreadful. I'm Team T too!

MeredithGreyishblue · 21/08/2021 11:10

You dumped T for a better offer. You had plans with T.

If you wanted to make T feel really shit about themselves, you've succeeded. Horrible thing to do.

Heronwatcher · 21/08/2021 11:13

I’m a bit amazed you can’t see what you’ve done wrong. When it turned out that you were free (and not babysitting) you should have done something with T, either as a group, or if not individually if the group meeting wasn’t possible. He had asked first so if you were free he should have priority. If you prefer the company of the others, fine, do what you want but he is being treated like a second class friend.

notthemum · 21/08/2021 11:21

You treated T appallingly. If I was him I'd bin the lot of you and get better friends.

HereForThis · 21/08/2021 11:33

It's also really rubbish that one friend suddenly has a problem with another and rather than two of their good friends saying something about it or trying to help them sort it so they can all spend time together, they decide it doesn't matter and go off to spend time with one friend. Of course the other friend would feel you two have picked a side over him. Surely he'd think he's going to be the subject of your conversations.

BillyWhozz · 21/08/2021 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillyWhozz · 21/08/2021 15:02

(Wrong thread - reported!)

emsie12345 · 21/08/2021 16:10

T is better off without the lot of you. Maybe it's time to grow up a bit now?

AnyOldPrion · 22/08/2021 09:23

If you had asked a friend to come out for drinks with you and they'd said, no, sorry I think I might be working, you'd shrug it off. But imagine you then found out that friend went out for drinks with another group that night. You would feel that once your friend realised she wants working, she would be able to join you for drinks. By going out with others, she's sending you a message that she'd rather spend time with others

OP told T she couldn't go as she was potentially babysitting. So once the babysitting wasn't happening, she should have gone to T first and confirmed those plans

I think you missed the part when OP asked T along to the night out with S and A and then withdrew the invitation. Going out with S and A after turning T down would be utsetting for T if he subsequently found out, but the actual scenario is much, much worse.

RubyFowler · 22/08/2021 09:37

Once you found out you weren't babysitting you should have gone back to T and asked if they were still free and fancy meeting up.
Or certainly once you realised he wasn't welcome at the S & A meet up, declined their invite and gone out with T instead.
Not fair OP. You owe T an apology, I can't see it any other way.

cherrybonbons · 22/08/2021 09:55

I think the only thing wrong here is S also being told she was treating him like a second class friend.
T didn't invite them out for dinner. S was happy for T to join. S could have insisted T should come but equally, S may know that A has things they want to get off their chest without T there.
I think you would see things from a different perspective if T had just singled you out and explained. You've not treated him very well at all

Lovelybottom · 22/08/2021 10:16

Sorry OP I think there is something seriously amiss here, where is your empathy?

Can't you put yourself in T's shoes?

"I asked OP if she (he?) wanted to meet up Saturday night but she wasn't free. It then turns out she became free but instead of accepting my previous invitation she made plans with S and A and invited me along. I decided to go along with this to be flexible. Then she phoned to tell me A doesn't want me there. I have no idea why, he clearly doesn't like me. I feel hurt, humiliated and rejected. To top it off OP is now going out with S and A and has demoted me to a some other time arrangement."

OP you are way off the mark here. You should have said "hey T, it turns out the other two are doing something else now, can we go back to our original plan of just us two? Thanks for the suggestion, what would you like to do?"

Backtoblack1 · 29/08/2021 22:15

T has been dropped like a hot stone!

KicksLikeASIeepTwitch · 29/08/2021 22:27

So why didn't A want T there? Have they said?
Poor T.
Not very discreet of you.
You should have made something up - like S had thrown up so you were cancelling and taking them home.
S screwed up but you made it worse.
Bad enough when you are told someone doesn't like you for no reason. But to have been uninvited sucks.
You might have been better saying A doesn't want you there, I think they're being unreasonable, let's go and do something else instead...