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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and treating someone as "a second class friend"?

156 replies

CasEJW · 21/08/2021 00:21

So this situation involves me and 3 friends, I'm just going to use first initials.

I met up with S for dinner this week, she told me that she had plans to have drinks with A (who neither of us have seen in many months) on Saturday, would I like to come along if A was ok with that? I agreed and told her that another friend, T had previously asked to do something with me on Saturday and at the time I hadn't been sure if I was free and so said no, could we invite him along too? S was fine with that, said she'd talk to A and let me know.
Today S messages me, says that A was fine with me joining, I asked about inviting T, she said I could and I did.

S then messages me to say that A didn't want T there. I had assumed she'd asked about him when she did me but she'd forgotten and then just assumed A would be fine with T coming too and didn't ask me to wait for her to ask A.

Now as far as I am concerned these were A and S's plans. I've been in A's position before and felt obligated to say that other people can join in on plans when I would rather they didn't and I ended up wishing that I hadn't gone out at all. S and I were in agreement that saying T was coming anyway would just make everyone uncomfortable.
So I had the awkward job of calling T to explain, asking if anything had happened between him and A to explain why he wouldn't want him there (apparently not?). I apologized for the situation, offered to make arrangements for he and I (and possibly S) to do something separately on a different day. T said that he was upset that A didn't want him there and the rest of the call was spent with him trying to think why.

Over an hour later I get a message from T saying that he is pissed off with me and S because we are treating him like a "second class friend".

I explained that this wasn't originally supposed to be a group outing, that they were A's plans to start with and if he isn't comfortable with T being there then it's unfair and disrespectful for us just to bring T along, I explained being in A's position etc. Everything that I've put in this post.

And the response I've got is "I can see it from your perspective you're just wrong."

If A had said that he hadn't wanted me to join I wouldn't have had an issue. I can understand T being upset about being invited but I really don't see what how doing anything else would have accomplished anything but extreme awkwardness and an unenjoyable night out.

AIBU? What would you have done differently?

OP posts:
Jumpingintosummer · 21/08/2021 08:31

@CasEJW

I think I must have badly worded part of my original post because a lot of people are under the impression that I had plans with T. This is not the case.

Earlier in the week T asked me if I wanted to go out and I said no because I didn't know if I would be available (the reason being that I'm to be babysitting in the day and there was a chance of that becoming and over night job - but the reason isn't really relevant).

I found out I would be free literally just before I had dinner with S which is when the invite to join her and A was made (if A was ok with this). And I said about possibly inviting T too because I had turned him down before.

T knew my reason for saying no at the time was that I didn't know if I was free or not. There was no 'maybe if I'm free' or any vague arrangements.

Given your plans had changed I would still have called T to say ‘hey, now free, do you still fancy doing X?’.
spotcheck · 21/08/2021 08:32

Yep. You are wrong OP

hedgehogger1 · 21/08/2021 08:33

No update doesn't help. You told T you weren't free to meet, but you were free, just not for him.

chestnutshell · 21/08/2021 08:34

T did well to stick up for himself. Most people would be mortified and humiliated in his position. Can’t believe you rang him and told him straight that someone outright just didn’t want him there.

Farwest · 21/08/2021 08:37

@Peakypolly

When A didn't want T to attend (perfectly reasonably) I think you should have also withdrawn and gone for your planned evening with T. You treated him badly imo
Exactly this.

You also should never have said to T that A didn't want him there. That was cruel.

Beautiful3 · 21/08/2021 08:37

When you knew you were free you should have gone out with T, as he asked first. I would be annoyed with you for by passing me for something better. You should have gone out with T when you knew he wasn't welcome to that event.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2021 08:37

@MagnoliaBeige

Think about it from T’s point of view - this is what he’s heard from you
  1. I’m not sure if I’m free
  2. I am free but have had another offer in the meantime, want to tag along?
  3. You’re actually not welcome to tag along but I’m still going
This is exactly what he heard.

I agree with everyone else. The most subtle thing would have been to say there was a misunderstanding and the others wanted it women only (implying a confidential reason - A not wanting to go out with T absolutely should be confidential) rather than personal to T. Consequently you’d go out with him instead.

Atalune · 21/08/2021 08:37

I think you have treated T appallingly and you shod on feel bad about it.

Why on earth you told him He wasn’t welcome I cannot fathom. So mean and hurtful.

You were better offered. You tried to include T. When that was refused you should have made plans with T

ShingleBeach · 21/08/2021 08:38

@Watermelon40

Oh and it’s obvious that you prefer meeting up with S and A rather than T, or you’d have got back in touch with him when you found out you were free. He is definitely your 2nd class friend.

But then perhaps A prefers to just meet up with S and not you if you weren’t originally invited. You may be A’s 2nd class friend!!

You know, maybe A needed a drink with one person to talk about something..but then finds that S has invited the OP, who has invited T…

Telling T ‘A doesn’t want you to come’ was particularly bad. As T had hardly invited himself into the mix anyway, you had. So you set him up for that, without his knowledge, then caused hurt by telling him he wasn’t wanted AND dropping A in it too.

I agree S carries some blame for messing up the communication. But you could have dealt with that more graciously with T.

Jeschara · 21/08/2021 08:43

I hope T drops you as a friend, and finds others who are much nicer.

notHarris · 21/08/2021 08:49

Yep another #teamT could this be a reverse?
He has been treated as if he's less important than your other two friends a d as if his feelings don't matter that much? Poor T.

If this is a reverse by any chance then I'd suggest that "T" focusses on friends who treat him better and put a bit of distance between these 3.

OswaldOwl · 21/08/2021 08:50

Agree with all the other posts, you have treated T shittily.

The only thing I’ll add is to expect A to be furious with you. She may not have wanted T there, but I’ll damn well bet she didn’t want you blabbing that to him!
Who knows why she didn’t want him there? Maybe she wanted to break off the friendship (a likely result, thanks to you), but also maybe she just wanted a girls night? maybe she has seen him a lot lately and he was just getting in her nerves a bit but nothing serious? Maybe he alters the group dynamics and she wanted a different or more intimate sort of catch up with S?
Poor A just made a plan with S, and now thanks to you and S she has a whole load of drama going on and has probably lost her friendship with T.

I think you owe both T AND A an apology.

ineedsun · 21/08/2021 08:51

Ooh blimey, is this a completely unanimous AIBU?

In all honesty I don’t understand how anyone can think this behaviour was OK - not addressing it to the OP because they’re long gone.

WimpoleHat · 21/08/2021 08:52

As soon as OP asked T to go along with her to meet A & S, she had plans with T.

Quite. Look, I can see how the OP was trying to do the right thing by not gatecrashing someone else’s plans (there’s been many a thread on that subject on here). And she was right in her initial thinking in that, I think - certainly I’m someone who hates it if I’ve arranged to see Kate and it ends up being a massive day out where I spend all day looking at Sarah’s holiday photos when I’d never have made plans to spend the day with her. So the OP is right: they were A and S’s plans. And she did recognise that T had asked for Saturday first by asking to include him. So all good so far.

The problem was uninviting T and doing the “ooh, do you have a problem with A?” bit. That was the most tactless way possible to handle that; quite possibly both A and T are pissed off with you now. Think of my scenario above. Kate is my great friend and I find the prospect of a day out with Sarah less appealing; she’s a nice lady but a little dull and earnest, so she changes the “vibe” of the event. Basically, I have more fun if I go out just with Kate. That doesn’t mean I dislike Sarah, or wouldn’t be happy to meet up in a larger group, or gave her join if we were going to the cinema, or have any sort of “problem” with her. So if Kate says “shall we ask Sarah” and I say “let’s not”, I’d be bloody mortified if this got reported back to Sarah the way you reported A’s feelings back to T. Plus - did A actually know that T had already actually been invited? As above, if Kate suggests inviting Sarah, I might demur and say not. If I know that Kate has actually already invited Sarah, I wouldn’t dream of asking Kate to uninvite her, even though I’d prefer just to ho out with Kate, because Sarah is a nice person and I’d never want to hurt her feelings like that.

What should you have done? Said to S “oh gosh, that’s a shame as I’ve already asked T - so I’ll bow out. See if you can find another date with A for the three of us to have a drink and I’ll see T on Saturday as arranged.”

SpiderinaWingMirror · 21/08/2021 08:53

I can see why T feels like a second class friend.

JellyRobin · 21/08/2021 09:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TheSloaneRanger · 21/08/2021 09:01

No, you explained it fine. You are just not getting the responses you wanted
You should be ashamed of yourself
You have made T feel shit

slow hand clap <
Was it worth it for people who had already made plans and you are their after thought?

crazymicrowave123 · 21/08/2021 09:11

No offence but you don't sound like a nice friend, I have been T before and it's honestly shit. You really should apologise and leave T to make genuine friends who really care about them.

harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:12

@MagnoliaBeige

Think about it from T’s point of view - this is what he’s heard from you
  1. I’m not sure if I’m free
  2. I am free but have had another offer in the meantime, want to tag along?
  3. You’re actually not welcome to tag along but I’m still going
Yeah - this is it in a nutshell. Poor T. You really need to apologise!
smashionaltreasure · 21/08/2021 09:19

I would have withdrawn from the group meet when it transpired that the friend who had asked to meet up first wouldn't be welcome there.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/08/2021 09:23

I agree, even with your update you did treat T like a second class friend.

Areyouseriousrightnow · 21/08/2021 09:29

@Peakypolly

When A didn't want T to attend (perfectly reasonably) I think you should have also withdrawn and gone for your planned evening with T. You treated him badly imo
This
tuesday2am · 21/08/2021 09:36

T is completely valid in feeling like a second class friend. When you found out A didn’t want T there, your response should have been to see T as planned and see the other two another time.

Instead you’ve gone and told T that someone doesn’t want him there and yet you’re still going to go and enjoy your night with them and see T another time…? How rude and inconsiderate.

LlamaTime · 21/08/2021 09:38

Even with the update, I think that you treated him badly. You told him you couldn't go because you had other plans (work) you then tell him you're free and invited him, and then tell him you're free but uninvited him. How does A feel about it? I would be livid if I were A, I'd assume I was telling S I didn't want him there, not expecting it to get back to T.

pam290358 · 21/08/2021 09:44

The way I read the post, the OP had already said no to T’s offer for the Saturday because she hadn’t been sure she would be free. So why are people saying she shouldn’t have gone ahead with the plans with S and A when she had nothing firm planned with T anyway ? In that situation, I probably WOULD have bowed out of the plans and done something with T - simply because I’d feel bad about having to uninvite him, but I don’t actually think the OP is treating him as a second class friend.

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