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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go on holiday without him….?

555 replies

PineapplePrincess · 19/08/2021 23:57

Holiday booked for December. Me, DH and 2DC. Booked pre-pandemic.

Hubby is not vaccinated and country doesn't currently allow unvaccinated people entry. It’s unlikely to change position before we travel.

Option 1 - we go without him.

Option 2 - we abandon the holiday.

Husband is in favour of Option 2.

I’m wondering whether I could manage Option 1. Biggest difficulty other than keeping an eye on both kids in a foreign country, is driving - I’ve never done it outside of the UK and it would be in winter conditions.

Would it be unreasonable for me to consider going without him….?

OP posts:

BungleandGeorge · 24/08/2021 20:16

I don’t understand why you’d consider taking only one child or even taking friends instead. It’s the same amount of getting around/ shopping involved for all possibilities. Whether one or two parents are present doesn’t alter the situation with the separate living and sleeping areas?

Ourlady · 24/08/2021 20:25

Oh he's not daft is he!!
Of course he would prefer you to take the 2 year old..7 year old kids are much less effort!
He's only thinking of himself in every scenario. Selfish git.

MargosKaftan · 24/08/2021 20:29

You should take the 7 year old. This is the last point you can do this realistically. My 8 year old pretty much doesn't believe anymore.

Have you said directly to DH "just so you know, I dont think I am ever going to forgive you for not having the vaccine in time. I'm not discussing it any further."

WouldBeGood · 24/08/2021 20:40

You should take both DCs. It’s weird not to.

Imagine the photos being looked at later.. why didn’t you take me, mummy? Cos dad thought o couldn’t manage both of you on holiday..

Woman up! Go!

Dontbeme · 24/08/2021 20:41

Oh FFS every update makes him sound like a bigger tosser. @PineapplePrincess contact a driving school, explain the situation that you feel nervous about driving in unfamiliar country, ask if they have classes to help. Have classes. If family or friends cannot go with you go to a nanny agency/childminder service/creche, explain the situation that you need an extra pair of hands for the week, employ person you're comfortable with and go. You may be lucky and find a newly qualified childminder that a week in Finland would be an adventure. If that doesn't work see if Any pai service in Finland can source someone for the week. Bring both kids, let husband sulk. Go and show yourself that you are a capable woman.

Pipsquiggle · 24/08/2021 20:53

@MargosKaftan

You should take the 7 year old. This is the last point you can do this realistically. My 8 year old pretty much doesn't believe anymore.

Have you said directly to DH "just so you know, I dont think I am ever going to forgive you for not having the vaccine in time. I'm not discussing it any further."

Yes. Have you actually said this to him?

CantGetDecentNickname · 24/08/2021 22:07

*MargosKaftan

You should take the 7 year old. This is the last point you can do this realistically. My 8 year old pretty much doesn't believe anymore.

Have you said directly to DH "just so you know, I dont think I am ever going to forgive you for not having the vaccine in time. I'm not discussing it any further."*

Please do this! He is still trying to control the holiday he is no longer part of. Tell him you’ll be fine and will make your own arrangements and decisions and refuse to discuss it with him. “No longer your concern” and repeat.

I’m guessing that he won’t be able to cope with not being in control and being able to control you and will suddenly decide to get the jab.,

WouldBeGood · 24/08/2021 22:15

There doesn’t need to be hard feelings. His view on vaccines, which is totally his choice, precludes him from the holiday.

You guys are good to go. Look at it like he’s made his decision not to go

Buffythechillislayer · 24/08/2021 22:28

Ive not read the whole thread but i just wanted to comment on the driving issue. ive driven in Lapland. Its really easy to drive there as every car is set up for the weather. I drove from rovaniemi airport to Levi and back.

Im also taking both my children there (hopefully) in feb half term without my husband who didnt want to go.

Im in several Lapland facebook groups and if you join them, loads of people will give you hints and tips for Rovaniemi as a lone parent.

Dont let him stop you. Its a fab, fun place to visit and the kids, especially the older one, will love it.

Sh05 · 24/08/2021 22:31

Of course he wants you to take the youngest! and he protests that he's worried about you?
It would definitely be easier for HIM to look after the 7 year old!
Take them both op, you don't know what you're capable of until you try.

MakeMathsFun · 25/08/2021 05:11

He may not be being selfish at all! Read on. If he or you paid for the holiday, then he knows that not going would be a monetary loss. I presume that he is worried about you (or the children) contracting Covid overseas, but he doesn't want to worry you about it. Nobody abandons a paid for holiday out of selfishness - it would make no sense. It really doesn't matter whether you go or not, except for the fact that the pandemic is still on-going.
As for all those people posting that he is numbskull/selfish/ignorant/idiot, you should read the the post again. It doesn't (yet) state that he is dictating to his wife. It just says that he is "in favour" of option 2. Sounds to me like he is expressing his opinion, just as his wife is expressing her opinion. She can still go with the kids if she wants to. However, as I stated in a previous posting (which strangely seems to have disappeared), it might well be that he has other reasons. Perhaps you should ask him if he has any other reasons that could help convince you to stay. If no, go.

countrygirl99 · 25/08/2021 05:26

If he's worried about them catching covid

they are more likely to get it in the UK than Finland
he should get vaccinated

NoNoThankYou · 25/08/2021 06:15

Oo, I love the idea of hiring a nanny/au pair to go with you if you can possibly afford it. I wouldn't have thought of that myself!

I agree that your husband no longer gets a say in this holiday. He's effectively chosen not to go, which is his right - his body etc. - but this is one of the consequences.

For goodness sake don't leave the 7 year old at home and take the 2 year old. That's incredibly mean and I'm astonished your husband apparently doesn't see that.

Sadiecow · 25/08/2021 06:40

@MakeMathsFun

He may not be being selfish at all! Read on. If he or you paid for the holiday, then he knows that not going would be a monetary loss. I presume that he is worried about you (or the children) contracting Covid overseas, but he doesn't want to worry you about it. Nobody abandons a paid for holiday out of selfishness - it would make no sense. It really doesn't matter whether you go or not, except for the fact that the pandemic is still on-going. As for all those people posting that he is numbskull/selfish/ignorant/idiot, you should read the the post again. It doesn't (yet) state that he is dictating to his wife. It just says that he is "in favour" of option 2. Sounds to me like he is expressing his opinion, just as his wife is expressing her opinion. She can still go with the kids if she wants to. However, as I stated in a previous posting (which strangely seems to have disappeared), it might well be that he has other reasons. Perhaps you should ask him if he has any other reasons that could help convince you to stay. If no, go.

He is being selfish and just because he's not demanding (which he can't) doesn't make him right.

He's had ample opportunities to spout nonsense about the threat of Covid as the reason. He's happy to spout nonsense about the vaccination.

ConstanceGracy · 25/08/2021 06:53

All I’ve gleaned from your last post is what a selfish a-hole your dh is.
I mean ffs, you’re having to come up with all these scenarios/ alternatives because he won’t get a jab that will protect him and your family.. shown his true colours there.
Also I would take both kids, at 2years old they’ll enjoy it as much as a 7 year old even if they don’t really understand it.

ConstanceGracy · 25/08/2021 06:55

@MakeMathsFun

He may not be being selfish at all! Read on. If he or you paid for the holiday, then he knows that not going would be a monetary loss. I presume that he is worried about you (or the children) contracting Covid overseas, but he doesn't want to worry you about it. Nobody abandons a paid for holiday out of selfishness - it would make no sense. It really doesn't matter whether you go or not, except for the fact that the pandemic is still on-going. As for all those people posting that he is numbskull/selfish/ignorant/idiot, you should read the the post again. It doesn't (yet) state that he is dictating to his wife. It just says that he is "in favour" of option 2. Sounds to me like he is expressing his opinion, just as his wife is expressing her opinion. She can still go with the kids if she wants to. However, as I stated in a previous posting (which strangely seems to have disappeared), it might well be that he has other reasons. Perhaps you should ask him if he has any other reasons that could help convince you to stay. If no, go.

Oh give over! If he was that worried about covid he’d get the jab! From what the op says he just doesn’t think she’s capable by herself and needs her big strong husband to look after them all..

rainbowstardrops · 25/08/2021 07:41

Honestly, from your updates your husband sounds more and more like an idiot and selfish to boot. I'd go by myself with both children, just to show him you don't need a big strong man looking after you. Yuk! He sounds incredibly irritating.

WeatherwaxLives · 25/08/2021 07:45

It sounds very much like he's trying to feed into your worries to make you reluctant to go / take the shine off it for you.

I'm a very nervous driver when it comes to unfamiliar places, and DP does the driving where possible.

On occasions where I have had to drive somewhere busy or far away it has been absolutely fine. Totally OK. And I've had such a high afterward because I DID IT! I've felt like superwoman!

I say go. Take both kids. Have a lovely time. You'll have one less person in the mix to keep happy, so I suspect there will be less conflict around who wants to do what and when. It can be all around what the kids want, so less chance for fall outs and disappointment.

If you really really can't manage both boys together then absolutely it should be the 7yo that goes. But only if you can definitely afford to take the 2yo later on. But wouldn't your now 7yo be very disappointed to miss out on an exciting snowy holiday (even if they don't believe in santa by that point?)

I'd definitely do everything you can to take both.

Jemand · 25/08/2021 07:53

It would be really mean to make your 7 year old make the choice. Your husband plainly hopes to guilt-trip him into staying, and it's really not fair that he should miss out on the holiday because his father believes the bollocks he reads on anti-vac websites.

It really doesn't sound as if taxis to take you to your cottage and collect you are necessarily any more expensive than hiring a car for the whole holiday, go for it!

Looneytune253 · 25/08/2021 07:58

Seems potentially ridiculous to not go solely because your DH won't have vaccine and losing all that money. Seems a bit silly to waste all that money

MargosKaftan · 25/08/2021 08:10

Tell him you are taking both. And yes, you think it will be harder than if he was going to, but you'll cope and make sure your children don't suffer due to his stupid decision. Be clear you view this as his failing.

bewilderedhedgehog · 25/08/2021 08:25

Hi - I think it would be good to think a bit more about the driving. I have done a number of winter holidays in Norway, Sweden and Denmark, but not driven. My observation though is that it is not like winter driving here - they seem to be very experienced and very prepared. I am a confident driver and have driven abroad quite a lot, but would be really concerned about the conditions, and my lack of experience in those temperatures - particularly with excited children and no alternative driver. Taxi option would be more expensive but might be much more relaxing!

friskybivalves · 25/08/2021 08:51

OP apologies if this has been extensively covered as could not RTFT over the weekend but did your DH spot that the FDA regulator in the US finally granted full approval to Pfizer's COVID-19 vaccine on Aug 23? Previously it was administered there under emergency provisions. Might that give him any more confidence in it?

Also - agree with everyone else about driving. I'm a capable driver. Have driven all around Europe : I had to while living there, in snowy conditions, with young DCs. Had to pull over to breast feed, had to drive enormous hire cars because the small ones I hired weren't available when I turned up, even had to change a wheel on hire car in the dark once when I got a puncture (amazing people stopped to help) And it was all great. Hire cars are new and clean and have every safety feature.

And other posters have it right. Finland is geared up for snow (it's why Nokia killed it on mobile phone telephony at first - they had the innovative infrastructure because landlines didn't work in freezing temps so they went for mobile masts early). And as with mobile telephone ingenuity see also everything else. They set you up to succeed in snow and ice, not to fail, and to get you where you need to go.

Take both boys. Don't let DH divide and rule. Press on with your plans calmly, look on maps, read traveller reviews and feel the tingle of excitement! Why let his pity party spoil yours?

NoSquirrels · 25/08/2021 09:19

@MakeMathsFun

He may not be being selfish at all! Read on. If he or you paid for the holiday, then he knows that not going would be a monetary loss. I presume that he is worried about you (or the children) contracting Covid overseas, but he doesn't want to worry you about it. Nobody abandons a paid for holiday out of selfishness - it would make no sense. It really doesn't matter whether you go or not, except for the fact that the pandemic is still on-going. As for all those people posting that he is numbskull/selfish/ignorant/idiot, you should read the the post again. It doesn't (yet) state that he is dictating to his wife. It just says that he is "in favour" of option 2. Sounds to me like he is expressing his opinion, just as his wife is expressing her opinion. She can still go with the kids if she wants to. However, as I stated in a previous posting (which strangely seems to have disappeared), it might well be that he has other reasons. Perhaps you should ask him if he has any other reasons that could help convince you to stay. If no, go.

He’s not worried about them contracting Covid - he doesn’t want the vaccine for himself, therefore he is prevented from going. He thinks they should all miss out because of this, and he’s undermining his wife’s confidence in being able to do it alone.

Purpleberet · 25/08/2021 09:30

Just here to say I bet you can manage both kids on your own! Lots of us have a tendency to doubt our abilities and I know it's easy for an outsider to say, especially when we don't know you. Of course it's daunting and it might be tough at times, but how hard can it be... I'm sure you've dealt with much tougher things in the past.
If none of your friends are able to join, hopefully they will give you the confidence to believe in yourself

(Personally I wouldn't consider taking one child but if it absolutely came down to it, would take the older one for sure)

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