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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday without him….?

555 replies

PineapplePrincess · 19/08/2021 23:57

Holiday booked for December. Me, DH and 2DC. Booked pre-pandemic.

Hubby is not vaccinated and country doesn't currently allow unvaccinated people entry. It’s unlikely to change position before we travel.

Option 1 - we go without him.

Option 2 - we abandon the holiday.

Husband is in favour of Option 2.

I’m wondering whether I could manage Option 1. Biggest difficulty other than keeping an eye on both kids in a foreign country, is driving - I’ve never done it outside of the UK and it would be in winter conditions.

Would it be unreasonable for me to consider going without him….?

OP posts:
NatashaRf · 22/08/2021 21:03

"He doesn’t seem to want to consider me going on my own (as well as thinking I won’t cope) says he’d worry constantly about us. While slightly annoyed by his comment, I can kinda understand it - cos it’s part of my worry!!!"

Well tell him you're constantly worried about his lack of vaccine and how it affects the rest of the family - so at least it's a nice chance for him to understand how you feel.

Lurcherloves · 22/08/2021 21:06

Can you take a friend or another family member in his place?

thelonghaul · 22/08/2021 21:39

His choice not to get vaccinated (idiot)
Your choice to go on holiday without him.
Would you really be happy to cancel the one-in-a-lifetime holiday for your kids because DH won't get a jab??!!

DismantledKing · 22/08/2021 21:46

@Lurcherloves

Can you take a friend or another family member in his place?
I really don’t understand why people don’t try and read at least the OP’s updates on a thread before commenting.
Sh05 · 22/08/2021 21:48

I think you should go without him. Do you have a TomTom or a sat Nav device? We found that whilst driving in Europe our TomTom constantly reminds the driver as to which side to drive on even reminding us at the roundabouts to remember to turn right onto it instead of left.
I'm not sure if you mentioned it but how old are your boys?

WouldBeGood · 22/08/2021 21:49

Just use your phone to navigate. It’s so easy nowadays

Sh05 · 22/08/2021 21:55

I would recommend you try and plan your days before you go to make the whole thing easier for you. Google nearby attractions and activities, read Google reviews,ask questions on Google if you need to, even pack your bags(from home) in accordance with the activities you have planned.
Do as much prep from home as is possible then go and enjoy yourselves (with or without an adult companion).

JSL52 · 23/08/2021 08:00

He doesn’t seem to want to consider me going on my own (as well as thinking I won’t cope) says he’d worry constantly about us. While slightly annoyed by his comment, I can kinda understand it - cos it’s part of my worry!!! 😂*

Patronising bastard*

ShingleBeach · 23/08/2021 08:54

He doesn’t seem to want to consider me going on my own

He doesn’t have to consider it. It’s your decision!

Patronising and controlling.

Who does he think he is?

Fiddliestofsticks · 23/08/2021 09:29

I'm a single parent to 2 boys. Have been since one was 2 years old and the other was 6 months old.
How do you think I manage holidays?

In the nicest possible way, toughen up a bit. They're your kids. If you cant manage them alone for a holiday in a very chilled out, safe place then there is a problem there.

Fiddliestofsticks · 23/08/2021 09:34

I think I've learned all I need to know about him from you saying that he did a couple years of something biology related at uni before switching to something else, so now he thinks he knows all about vaccines and production and testing and affecting etc.

He reeks of self importance and having a life of indulgence around what he wants. The type who thinks he knows best, he has the answers no one else has and his couple years of chem and bio classes is better than someone with a PhD and years of experience in vaccine work.

What an absolute tool.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 23/08/2021 09:40

He doesn’t seem to want to consider me going on my own

I'll bet he doesn't. He wants to keep everything in his nice safe bubble, including you and the children. The trouble is that if you allow him to "protect" you by only going with someone else, the bubble around you will get smaller and smaller and he will allow you to do less and less in order to manage his own anxiety. That is how irrational anxiety works. And you will feel less and less confident about doing things alone without his "protection".

If you need someone with you so that you can feel confident, then invite someone along. Or if you fancy braving it alone (and from what people are saying it sounds very d0-able!), then do that instead. Make whatever changes to the holiday suit you to make it easy - as pp suggested, arrange transfers, maybe stay somewhere less remote than the original place etc. Do it your way without worrying about his preferences. He owes you that much.

Go on your own own and OK, let him worry while you are away. He may not accept this but he really needs to experience the anxiety and survive it, otherwise it will only get worse and more restrictive on his life and on yours.

Auntienumber8 · 23/08/2021 10:04

How many days is the holiday?

You buy provisions before getting to the cabin. You drive to see Santa and then as its snowy the kids will happily just play in the snow. I can’t see that you will need to do a lot of driving. Lots of building snow men and stuff round the cabin, hot chocolate and games and films in the evening. Playing out in snow is tiring.

Do not consider taking one child only, it would be awful and the kind of memory for the one left behind that they would never ever forget in a hugely negative way.

Six of my relatives work or worked before retiring in drug development. My brother and his wife spent a lifetime researching cancer drugs. Their daughters followed in their footsteps and went in to the same field and they both met their husbands at work.

They all messaged me telling me to get the vaccine ASAP.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/08/2021 10:20

OP if you are still reading, there is near as much consensus on this thread as there is in the scientific community on the safety and necessity of the vaccine - your husband is being ridiculous on the vaccine and a controlling and condescending twat on the holiday. I really really hope you can see that and go on this once in a lifetime trip. If you can't see that or feel you can't/shouldn't go without him, then I think that it is a worrying sign of the dynamics within your relationship.

pecanmix · 23/08/2021 13:28

Please don't let him stop you. Your last update was full of him being selfish with the facade of him being 'worried'

MakeMathsFun · 23/08/2021 22:40

On the surface, sure it could look like a selfish action by the DH. However, we don't know the full picture. There are high costs of COVID tests to consider too, not to mention the continued uncertainty of safety. Perhaps, like most of the world, finances are running tight and the DH has accepted the loss of the prepaid holiday, in order to reduce further spending. This is just one example of many possible situations that might warrant not going. Speak with your DH and ask him if not being vaccinated is the only reason. I bet there is another factor that he may be stressed about, so take it easy. If he says its only because of the vaccination, explain that you are considering going without him. See his reaction before deciding. If he is angry or manipulative, then I might go. If he is caring and understanding, I might stay behind. Not all decisions have black and white reasons.

pigsDOfly · 23/08/2021 23:01

MakeMathsFun

Have you actually read any of the thread?

AJGranny · 23/08/2021 23:06

You absolutely must go. Those santa trips are awesome. You've got time to arrange transport that doesn't involve you driving.

AJGranny · 23/08/2021 23:15

Oh and I also think you're really overstating the difficulties of travelling with 2 kids on your own. People do it all the time, you're creating difficulties where there are none seemingly to pander to your husbands nonsense.

Oceanbliss · 23/08/2021 23:23

I’m not from the Uk but I think in my country both parents have to permit the children to leave the country. That is to safeguard against parents abducting their children and living overseas.

@PineapplePrincess Is your Dh denying you permission to take the children out of the country?

user1471519931 · 23/08/2021 23:24

Omg turn it into a girls holiday!! Wonderful!!! ❄️

MakeMathsFun · 24/08/2021 00:15

@pigsDOfly

MakeMathsFun

Have you actually read any of the thread?

Yes, but I don't see how that changes what I wrote in direct response to pineaple princess's dilemma. Clearly I must have overlooked something.
Oceanbliss · 24/08/2021 01:29

@MakeMathsFun You’ve made some valid points however in the last post by the Op is that her husband’s objection is based on him not thinking she is capable of coping with the kids on this holiday alone. That might be why someone posted have you read the full thread.

Op’s last post:

He has agreed it would be waste to completely abandon the holiday and perhaps I should find someone to go in his place.
...
He doesn’t seem to want to consider me going on my own (as well as thinking I won’t cope) says he’d worry constantly about us. While slightly annoyed by his comment, I can kinda understand it - cos it’s part of my worry!!!

dontshootmeforthis · 24/08/2021 01:54

Well if he won't have the vaccine then leave him at home! Why should you miss out because of him?

Popitdontstopit · 24/08/2021 06:49

The option of turning it "into a girls holiday"
Who are these girls/women the OP would go with? Could one of them not be asked to go along with the dc instead - would need to be a good friend of course, but some of us have those who would be happy to help out (still think it should be the actual father of the dc)