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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids running at birds/ducks

209 replies

Mama1993 · 19/08/2021 21:38

Took my 3 y/o DS to the zoo today with his cousin. They were VERY excitable - running around laughing and jumping etc.

We sat down for our picnic on the grass. Lots of birds around. Now I know that children shouldnt run after birds as it distresses them but a lot of them do and don't seem to understand it's not a game.

My son was running around playing and he either ran towards a duck to run after it or was running and didn't see it (I didn't see fully) anyway he tripped on the duck which I saw and shouted 'CAREFUL!' albeit in a different language so other people wouldn't have understood.

Now this elderly woman who was sat on a bench with her husband started screaming at my DS 'HOW DARE YOU!' repeatedly. I was so shocked that I can't actually remember what else she said but she as angry!

I told her it wasnt on purpose but she was adamant that it was. I told her I knew my son and that he wouldn't deliberately kick a duck, to which she sarcastically replies 'do you???' over and over.

I don't like confrontation but AIBU to think this woman was well out of order shouting at a 3 year old?

I took my son aside afterwards and told him again how it's not nice to run at birds as it scares them. He was really upset by the whole thing (as I'm sure the duck was too! But it was 100% an accident)

OP posts:
FreakinFrankNFurter · 20/08/2021 22:45

It always amazes me how many amazingly perfect parents there are on MN, who never take their eyes off their child for a nanosecond and child has never done anything they shouldn't

surreygirl1987 · 20/08/2021 22:56

@anordinarymum there is a vast difference between someone 'stepping in' and someone actually screaming at a toddler... but that is obvious so I'm sure you can see that.

surreygirl1987 · 20/08/2021 22:57

@freakinfranknfurter tell me about it.

Rosebel · 20/08/2021 22:58

OP has said several times her son was running. He wasn't running at the birds, he was just running.
The duck would be used to people and children which is why it's perfectly possible that her son did trip over it.
The lady shouldn't have shouted at your son at all. She shouldn't have had a go at you either but probably has forgotten what it's like to have young children.
Just ignore her and all the other people on here who clearly have perfect children.

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/08/2021 23:01

No, she wasn’t “well out of order”. You were by not stopping him before it got to that.
Children running after birds is not on at all.

BasicB · 20/08/2021 23:02

It’s one of those situations that most people on here support the completely ridiculous actions of the shouting woman because one duck may have been scared. Both things can be true - of course it’s not ideal if the child did frighten the bird, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to yell at a pre-schooler, or call the OP a lax parent.

MareofBeasttown · 21/08/2021 08:20

I am in London parks everyday and there are toddlers chasing ducks, usually with an exhausted mom ( often with a younger child) chasing them and trying to stop them.It has not occurred to me to shout at them. Given 3 yr olds are still learning how to control their instincts and moms of young children have my every sympathy in these times.

itsgettingwierd · 21/08/2021 08:27

No one is saying he shouldn't be able to run around.

But if you are breastfeeding and cannot be watching him then don't stop near a place where there's loads of birds a 3yo May chase because you don't think they understand at this age.

I'm pretty sure it was just carelessness but the situation was able to happen because of the choices you made. Make better ones 🤷‍♀️

surreygirl1987 · 21/08/2021 09:00

@MrsSkylerWhite of course she was!

surreygirl1987 · 21/08/2021 09:07

"But if you are breastfeeding and cannot be watching him then don't stop near a place where there's loads of birds a 3yo May chase because you don't think they understand at this age.

I'm pretty sure it was just carelessness but the situation was able to happen because of the choices you made. Make better ones 🤷‍♀️"

@itsgettingwierd this is one of the most ridiculous things I've heard on mumsnet (and there's been a lot!). I have a (breastfed) baby and a toddler. So if I'm in my local park (where by the way there are plenty of birds) and my baby wants a feed, I have to ignore his needs and go elsewhere?! So I can't sit on the benches to feed as there are birds around... where would you like me to go... back to my car, just in case my toddler MAY run around where birds are?! Walk home? Go to the toilets in a shop? Just listen to yourself! Can you not see how nuts your post is?

In this park, birds/ducks are always in the playground too. Would you prefer toddlers didn't make use of the playground? 😆

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/08/2021 10:11

@Rosebel

OP has said several times her son was running. He wasn't running at the birds, he was just running. The duck would be used to people and children which is why it's perfectly possible that her son did trip over it. The lady shouldn't have shouted at your son at all. She shouldn't have had a go at you either but probably has forgotten what it's like to have young children. Just ignore her and all the other people on here who clearly have perfect children.
To be fair the thread title was rather misleading then!
fourtail · 21/08/2021 10:16

I haven't read the whole thread but no one should ever shout at a toddler. Toddlers/children at this age are learning and their understanding isn't quite there yet. My 2.5 is always on reigns and despite this he still drags me around and I feel bad that I can't let him run wild. Toddlers want to explore, touch, feel and see reaction. To me it's more wrong to traumatise a young child by a stranger shouting at them. You telling your kid to be careful whether it's in your own language is good enough for me to know that you are already doing your best by teaching your ds to respect animals.

Ionlydomassiveones · 21/08/2021 10:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

itsgettingwierd · 21/08/2021 10:55

@surreygirl1987

"But if you are breastfeeding and cannot be watching him then don't stop near a place where there's loads of birds a 3yo May chase because you don't think they understand at this age.

I'm pretty sure it was just carelessness but the situation was able to happen because of the choices you made. Make better ones 🤷‍♀️"

@itsgettingwierd this is one of the most ridiculous things I've heard on mumsnet (and there's been a lot!). I have a (breastfed) baby and a toddler. So if I'm in my local park (where by the way there are plenty of birds) and my baby wants a feed, I have to ignore his needs and go elsewhere?! So I can't sit on the benches to feed as there are birds around... where would you like me to go... back to my car, just in case my toddler MAY run around where birds are?! Walk home? Go to the toilets in a shop? Just listen to yourself! Can you not see how nuts your post is?

In this park, birds/ducks are always in the playground too. Would you prefer toddlers didn't make use of the playground? 😆

Did I actually say that?

The OP has said she sat there knowing there's loads of birds, knowing that a 3yo May chase them and knowing she couldn't stop it.

And as someone who has also BF I've also found decent places to stop.

If your baby started crying for a feed at the edge of an A road I'm pretty sure you wouldn't stop there and feed and allow your 3yo to run around Wink don't see how a zoo is any different just because it's a zoo.

surreygirl1987 · 21/08/2021 11:03

Um yes you literally said:

"But if you are breastfeeding and cannot be watching him then don't stop near a place where there's loads of birds a 3yo May chase because you don't think they understand at this age.

I'm pretty sure it was just carelessness but the situation was able to happen because of the choices you made. Make better ones 🤷‍♀️"

And an A road is just a TAD different to a grassy picnic spot in a zoo 😂 I'm not usually amazed by people's stupid comments on mumsnet but yours are pure gold.

LizzieW1969 · 21/08/2021 11:12

It was probably an exaggeration to say that a 3 year old would be traumatised by an adult shouting at them, but it can really scare them. My DDs still remember a strange man shouting at us years ago, when I quite legitimately parked outside his house on the school run. They were 7 and 4 then, so past toddler age, but they still speak about ‘the angry man’.

A strange adult shouting at a young child really can scare them, so it isn’t appropriate at all. The point can be made without shouting.

I think the OP was lax in her supervision of her DS and chasing birds is something we should train our DC not to do. But I think the other woman’s behaviour in yelling at a 3 year old was much more out of order. It was completely OTT, especially as it doesn’t sound as if the little boy was deliberately setting out to hurt the duck. It sounds to me like it was an accident.

Of course, I know I wasn’t sure there, so I can’t know this for definite.

I8toys · 21/08/2021 11:16

Traumatise a toddler by shouting at it? I've heard it all now. Let's all speak very quietly around them so as not to traumatise them then. They've probably not heard it before so the child would probably be confused someone was attempting to parent them.

WitchBaby · 21/08/2021 11:57

@MareofBeasttown

I am in London parks everyday and there are toddlers chasing ducks, usually with an exhausted mom ( often with a younger child) chasing them and trying to stop them.It has not occurred to me to shout at them. Given 3 yr olds are still learning how to control their instincts and moms of young children have my every sympathy in these times.

But are they kicking the ducks? This is what the lady said he was doing and I'm inclined to believe her given the fact she shouted at him and OP didn't see what happened.

anonforamo · 21/08/2021 11:57

I agree it's a good idea to treat this as a learning experience for you and dc. Not nice to run after birds, if they are distracted or slower for some reason, they can be seriously harmed. Children should be taught not to chase them.

Oceanbliss · 21/08/2021 12:36

Screaming at someone else’s child is abusive and wrong. That child doesn’t know this person who is much bigger than them and it would be absolutely terrifying for them. They don’t know what this stranger is capable of. Will they hurt me?

It is hugely worse than a child chasing birds. They can fly. They have natural instincts to get away from predators like cats.

Also, my little one was terrified of ibises that were these big birds coming at her to take the food she was eating from her hand. I chased the ibises away several times. They kept coming back so they mustn’t be that easily scared. She learned to how chase them away, from me. And I see nothing wrong with that.

If a stranger wants to calmly explain to a child not to frighten or hurt birds or other animals or people then that is fine. Explain calmly like a trustworthy, rational adult. Not some aggressive, screaming, intimidating bully.

Oceanbliss · 21/08/2021 12:44

@Mama1993 YANBU
Now this elderly woman who was sat on a bench with her husband started screaming at my DS 'HOW DARE YOU!' repeatedly. I was so shocked that I can't actually remember what else she said but she as angry!

THAT IS APPALLING AND ABUSIVE. I would be absolutely shocked and angry at an adult screaming at my 3 year old like that. If your ds was running towards a duck that in no way deserves to be screamed at by a complete stranger. I’m sorry that happened to your son. Is he ok?

BasicB · 21/08/2021 12:57

‘Be careful of the duck!’ or ‘Watch where you’re going!’ is fine. I’ve said that sort of thing myself to other kids if needed - like in a soft play when some older girls were playing with then-toddler DS in a rough way.

Shouting ‘How dare you?’ at a 3 year old and then being unpleasant to his mum isn’t fine

fourtail · 21/08/2021 13:09

To be shouted at by a complete stranger that is much bigger than you is a traumatising experience for any toddler and it's terrifying for them. It's abusive. If this person was such a gentle kind person that cared so much about ducks, this person would have got down to this toddlers level and spoke to them in a kinder way or spoken to the mum (op) in a nicer way. I wouldn't dream of shouting at anyone's child. My child gets pushed around sometimes and I say to older kids that his still a baby, let's be gentle, he is younger than you or if my son is boisterous around other babies I will say the reverse but never shouting not even at the mum/nanny who sits there on her phone ignoring.

Cornettoninja · 21/08/2021 16:23

Shouting ‘How dare you?’ at a 3 year old and then being unpleasant to his mum isn’t fine

Completely agree. If you started shouting ‘how dare you’ at another adult it’s clear you’re starting a confrontation (justified or not). It’s aggressive.

Shouting in that way at a very small child you don’t know is inappropriate precisely because it’s an aggressive interaction and likely taught the child absolutely nothing because they’re focussed on an strange adult intimidating them rather than what prompted their outburst.

Although I agree children need to be taught not to scare animals that woman’s reaction was completely out of proportion to the situation and she clearly couldn’t control herself enough to focus on aiming her anger at an adult rather than a small child.

woodhill · 21/08/2021 17:37

He probably won't do it again though