Does this happen to other people?

[Youn]

Name changed but long time poster.

I often get woken up DH, DC or occasionally DB screaming over me or crying because of their perceived emergency.

I have PTSD from my own medical emergency and severe anxiety as a result of the after effects but when my family wake me up like this, I genuinely have a panic attack and freak out. No one understands how fragile I feel and how utterly cruel it is to be woken up like this.

I’ve tried explaining to my DH and my DC (preteens) but it happened again today and I just feel like maybe I’m not for this world...

I feel like my family lack compassion and kindness and don’t realize what a big issue this has become for me.

Their perceived emergencies are small logistical misunderstandings quickly corrected like arriving early for something and thinking I have given them the wrong time. Husband venting about something happening at work. Or anything from weather change. Except when I wake up to someone screaming or crying over me I immediately think someone has died or been injured and my body experiences immediate trauma response and then once I realize it’s “nothing” I’m angry and exhausted.

I’ve never done this to them. But this is something that happened a lot to me when I was growing up. I hate it. I think it’s cruel.

Aibu? Is this “normal”?

Often it’s when I’m having my own health issue when this happens and I’m sleeping off a severe headache.

It's not normal at all to be screaming and crying at people, for trivial things, as though everyone is on edge all the time. I just have cats pawing at me at times, which wakes me up.

They are being very cruel knowing the situation, especially the adult.

If I played my teenager a voice note of me saying 4pm and he said "I hear 3.45pm" I can't even explain what I'd do, he'd get the bollocking of his life and sent to his room and anything fun withdrawn. I may even get him checked out by a psychiatrist as there would clearly be something wrong with him. . For him to do that is just plain weird and to be frank, abusive.

I would sit down with DH and DS and DB and explain calmly what you expect from them and why, lock your door and wear earplugs.

Given this tactic will probably fail, I would make plans to separate taking your DD with you.

@Youn

DC and DH seem happier when I’m not around. Maybe I’m the tense one that makes things unpleasant. That was totally my husbands stance when I attempted to talk to my DC about this today after they got home from the tournament.

This behaviour is not good for any of your family but sounds health limiting to you in particular.

Perhaps, for your own mental and physical health you could book yourself a long weekend away - just you - and know that you'll be able to sleep without people sabotaging your health. Put your phone on silent (check it when you're properly awake) and don't tell them where you'll be staying so you're able to get a proper rest. Maybe tell one trusted person who can contact you in a genuine emergency, perhaps?

I hope you manage to get through to your selfish family - your husband in particular - how their behaviour is making you feel. 🌹

Yes, this does happen to me.

I don't know what to do about it.

This is unbelievable
Op I am so sorry. I hate getting a fright when I'm awake so you have my absolute sympathy this is how you're being woken up
I struggle to see past this being abusive tbh
I can't understand why these people are doing this to you. You're unwell, need to rest and are borderline reaching a mental breakdown. Why are they doing this to you. I'm so annoyed
Other than a nudge to consider LTB I don't have much to offer except sincere sympathy and wishful hope it will stop

It’s exhausting reading your OP, so can’t imagine what it’s like living like this.
Your family are not normal

It sounds fucking bizarre.

One of the most bizarre things I’ve read. I have a hobby that requires us to do graduations; details are sent by text message, FB page and posted in the centres. Does your DC hobby not do this? Why didn’t they just wait 15 minutes? Surely the organisers would have been there setting up.

As others said, if kids woke me up over something that was their mistake, they’d get a severe bollocking.

Your husband literally sounds incapable of adult behaviour.

I'd be locking the bedroom door and telling them all to fuck off.

@arcof

If I played my teenager a voice note of me saying 4pm and he said "I hear 3.45pm" I can't even explain what I'd do, he'd get the bollocking of his life and sent to his room and anything fun withdrawn. I may even get him checked out by a psychiatrist as there would clearly be something wrong with him. . For him to do that is just plain weird and to be frank, abusive.

I would sit down with DH and DS and DB and explain calmly what you expect from them and why, lock your door and wear earplugs.

Given this tactic will probably fail, I would make plans to separate taking your DD with you.

I was furious. He struggles being corrected but the fact that he kept saying he heard 3:45pm!!! I thought maybe he’s delusional.

He went into the bathroom and cried.

Maybe there’s something wrong with him.

I sleep with earplugs and an eye cover... yes I have sensory issues but when I say they wake me up screaming and crying, that’s what I mean. I know the difference between screaming and gently being woken up.
I know the difference between gently opening a door and barging in that the handle makes a startling sound and someone has swallowed up the room with their tense loud arrival! And yes these things wake me am up and FRIGHTEN me.

Well in that case. If you know definitely that it is them being loud, screaming and crying, then you are definitely not being unreasonable. It is in fact shitty behaviour from them all and how you have put up with it, I do not know.

Something has got to change though, cannot go on like this especially since you are ill.
Everybody needs restful sleep to function properly.

Even if your son did mishear, it doesn't expalin why they both rushed home in a panic and to BLAME you (wtaf) when they had got there 15mins EARLY!!

It seems as if you have been carrying them for a while but it's only noticeable now as you can't deal with it?

As for your brother???

Why didn't he just tell your husband not to be such a twat/deal with whatever himself?

All these weird useless males blaming you for their weird, useless behaviour!

It sounds as if you have been carrying them for years & the weird behaviour is only

Wtaf, op. No wonder your children have no respect when your husband treats you like that! I have never been woken up like that in my life and nobody would ever do it. You poor love

I know the difference between gently opening a door and barging in that the handle makes a startling sound and someone has swallowed up the room with their tense loud arrival!

This isn't how most people experience a door being opened, however loudly. Which isn't your fault, it's very clear why you have this reaction and I have a lot of sympathy but you need to be clear with them that you cannot be woken unless it is a genuine matter of life or death because I don't think they're going to be able to wake you in a manner that doesn't frighten and traumatise you, so focusing on them doing it 'better' won't help.

This is utterly not normal OP, children flipping out occasionally about coursework they haven't done or something, maybe, but your DH should be very firmly standing up for you, saying they need to let you sleep as you've had a very serious illness. A grown man engaging in these histrionics is bizarre, abusive, and possibly the least sexually attractive thing I have ever heard. Sounds like you were very firm with your son over the timing thing but have you sat them all down, husband first then the kids and laid out how serious your illness is, and how this type of thing is not appropriate at their ages, you need more resilience and respect in the house (regardless of your health, they should not be flipping out at stupid things habitually), and the next child acting like a toddler will be grounded. Theyre learning it off their weird father so not their fault as such but it's as good a time as any for a lesson that this kind of behaviour will not fly with most people. As for your brother, can you go very low contact with him? Not sure what good he brings to the party.

You need to go and stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks OP. Somewhere quiet, unreachable by your family and with a lock on the door.

Your family need a family calendar and to use it to write down events and appointments. Then they all hold the evidence, in a shared, accessible place.

I wonder if your illness has scared them. They are used to being dependent on you and are scared of losing you. This is their crazy way of demonstrating that. A surprising number of men do behave extremely badly when their wife is ill, through selfishness and fear.

The children though. Toddlers behave like this. They have no real idea of their mother as a person in her own right, just as their support person. From around 4 or 5 though, they learn that their parents do other things, have other relationships and needs, do things by themselves sometimes, sleep later and shouldn't be disturbed sometimes. Your teenagers are either weirdly babied and dependent, or more likely, copying their dad's demented histrionics.

Take yourself away to heal. Let them sort themselves out and find their own way to manage.

You haven't answered whether the culture you live in is one that regards women as second class citizens, as helpmeets to men. Though, in many patriarchal societies the home is a very matriarchal realm.

You need some women on your team, to protect and support you.

We are a western family living as expats in the U A E.

@Blueemeraldagain

I find the fact that you are married to a man who treats you terribly, in the same specific way your brother does, strange. Did your husband “learn” from your brother? Did your husband always treat you like this?

Agree with this. It's so bizarre that they both do it. When did it start with your DH?

So no cultural excuses for their hysteria, or sense of supreme entitlement to your attention.

I wish you luck and success. Please do everything you can to look after yourself, including involving sympathetic friends.

it sounds like your 'D'H is either not equipped to adult and parent
or
he is punishing you for being ill/recovering and for needing time for yourself

he is training the kids to apply the same punishment - they literally scream at you to be up and running and helping and sorting.

I think you need to leave, either for good or at least during your recovery.

This sounds torturous! I think there are two things at work here, actually three but two are connected.

Firstly your husband is a total drama queen and your sons either take after him genetically or have learned to copy him.

Secondly, and i think this is sadly true of many households, that there is a feeling (often subconscious) that the woman/mother should be permanently at the disposal/ in servitude to the rest of the family. I get this a bit I.e. when my husband is having a nap or reading the paper he gets left in peace. If I go for a laydown or sit and read my book within minutes everyone seems to come to find me and ask what I'm doing as if they are affronted about it. I do pull them up on this sharply each time but it's worrying that I have to.

Thirdly (and connected to the second) there may be some buried resentment about your illness and need to rest having taken you "out of service". Does that ring true?

What to do about it though, I don't know. I would want to live somewhere else on my own! But that is very extreme and far from ideal. Is family therapy/ counselling an option?