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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this happen to other people?

256 replies

Youn · 19/08/2021 20:23

Name changed but long time poster.

I often get woken up DH, DC or occasionally DB screaming over me or crying because of their perceived emergency.

I have PTSD from my own medical emergency and severe anxiety as a result of the after effects but when my family wake me up like this, I genuinely have a panic attack and freak out. No one understands how fragile I feel and how utterly cruel it is to be woken up like this.

I’ve tried explaining to my DH and my DC (preteens) but it happened again today and I just feel like maybe I’m not for this world...

I feel like my family lack compassion and kindness and don’t realize what a big issue this has become for me.

Their perceived emergencies are small logistical misunderstandings quickly corrected like arriving early for something and thinking I have given them the wrong time. Husband venting about something happening at work. Or anything from weather change. Except when I wake up to someone screaming or crying over me I immediately think someone has died or been injured and my body experiences immediate trauma response and then once I realize it’s “nothing” I’m angry and exhausted.

I’ve never done this to them. But this is something that happened a lot to me when I was growing up. I hate it. I think it’s cruel.

Aibu? Is this “normal”?

Often it’s when I’m having my own health issue when this happens and I’m sleeping off a severe headache.

OP posts:
DomingoinLittleOakley · 19/08/2021 23:01

Absolutely none of what you have described is in any way normal. And you know that.

Your husband sounds like a really unbelievably massive arsehole to be honest. I would tell him firmly to fuck off and leave you alone to recover. Why a grown man can't cope with turning up somewhere a few minutes early is beyond me, and he's involving your brother and children in these dramas too?

Completely mad. Can you make yourself unavailable so they have to deal with these everyday non-events themselves?

EastWestWhosBest · 19/08/2021 23:06

Your DH needs to learn how to adult.

k1233 · 19/08/2021 23:08

Have you tried screaming as you wake up? I don't think you'd have to do it often for it to have the desired effect.

I don't know what I do but every person I've ever dated has been scared to wake me up. I even missed an entire movie in the cinema as I fell asleep and partner didn't want to wake me up. Apparently I don't wake up well.

Backtoblack1 · 19/08/2021 23:09

Er, what?!

Hardbackwriter · 19/08/2021 23:09

From your account you're surrounded by lunatics. If that's the case you need to step back from these people (except your children) but I am slightly dubious that they're all engaging in this highly specific but also highly odd behaviour, including your brother. They shouldn't be waking you at all if you've explained you find it frightening and disorientating but I also wonder whether your perception is entirely accurate.

Auntycorruption · 19/08/2021 23:09

@Youn

Booking a spa or retreat “should” be amazing but it will be triggering too.
Triggering for what?!

You're all being very dramatic.

You .... get a bolt on your door. Lock it if you are napping and place a sign on the door which says "leave me alone" your dad is in charge.

Them... WTF?! Maybe missing a tournament would do them good. They need to get a grip and calm down

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 19/08/2021 23:10

That's fucking madness. Why is anyone screaming?! Much less over you.

It sounds like the children have learnt from their Father. This actually sounds abusive OP, almost to the point of control. Particularly the children gaslighting you - where have they learnt that and why is your husband supporting them?

Original poster
Youn · 19/08/2021 23:11

@k1233

Have you tried screaming as you wake up? I don't think you'd have to do it often for it to have the desired effect.

I don't know what I do but every person I've ever dated has been scared to wake me up. I even missed an entire movie in the cinema as I fell asleep and partner didn't want to wake me up. Apparently I don't wake up well.

I sometimes do scream and cry myself because I think I’m about to be told someone close to me has been in an accident or died.

In those seconds it’s the only thing that comes to me.

OP posts:
ThisOldSaddo · 19/08/2021 23:14

Why are they screaming at you whilst waking you up? Who the actual fuck does that? I've never ever been woken like that.
How often does this happen? Why do they do this?

Cam2020 · 19/08/2021 23:15

WTF have I just read through? Your family sound deranged, selfish and compleltely incapable. I've lived to tbe age of 40 without anyone (bar toddler/young child) screaming.

Dragongirl10 · 19/08/2021 23:18

Your DH is an ass, there is no need for a grown man to shout and scream at you for ANY reason, talking is far more effective even in a genuine emergency...which none of those mentioned are.

If my DH did this l would hit the roof and he cetainly wouldn't do it twice.

Why are you being so accepting, get cross, really let them all know this ridiculously dramatic behaviour has to stop and if they cannot speak normally then you will not speak to them at all.

Original poster
Youn · 19/08/2021 23:18

@Auntycorruption

I went to a 4 star hotel in June for 2 weeks quarantine to re-enter the country I live in and 3 days into my stay recovering from my recent meningitis illness/hospital stay... I was attacked and sexually assaulted on the “paradise” island I was on. Long story short... I’m now receiving threatening awful messages from the man who attacked me or someone known to him as they name him. So I’m hyper vigilant and anxious beyond anything I can explain.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 19/08/2021 23:19

I think the whole family sound very highly strung. Maybe your illness has impacted their behaviour? Sounds like you’re not very well at all, and very sensitive to a lot of situations. I feel you probably all could benefit from some therapy.

Twilight7777 · 19/08/2021 23:19

They sound like complete selfish arses! I think you need to see your gp to refer you for some sort of therapy just so you have someone to talk to. In the meanwhile I suggest you speak to someone that would listen to you and maybe sit with you whilst you explain to your husband what a prick he’s being

Original poster
Youn · 19/08/2021 23:21

I don’t have the capacity to be dramatic right now. I’m exhausted and feel like I’m on edge.

OP posts:
LochinverSwimmingPool · 19/08/2021 23:22

I don't know how you've put up with this for all these years, OP.

Happymum12345 · 19/08/2021 23:23

I too have this problem, though not as severe. I don’t think anyone understands ptsd from illness unless you’ve been there, not even therapists. I jump
& always think someone has died when I’m woken up with a start like children crying or even when my husband walks in the room and accidentally wakes me. I don’t have any answers expect for making it explicitly clear that it really disturbs you. I hold on to hope that it will pass.
All the best.

TimeForTeaAndG · 19/08/2021 23:23

FFS, OP has said she has PTSD so therefore maybe just accept that will involve triggers and she has stated that a spa would be one.

OP, your brother sounds vile and if that's how you've grown up it's no wonder you are now in a relationship with a man similar in nature. I'm glad you are accepting everyone's stance that this is not normal. You need to get out, hard boundaries are not going to be adhered to because these men in your life are shit.

Asking your husband to speak to your son won't achieve anything because he doesn't see the issue.

I hope you leave him and take your children out of that toxic environment. Anyone who would cause that level of drama deserves to be cut out of your life permanently.

catfunk · 19/08/2021 23:24

DH sounds absolutely pathetic. He needs to grow up. He's their father.

me4real · 19/08/2021 23:28

You don't have to have a spa day or whatever if it would be triggering for some reason.

I agree with PP's, a lock on the door if possible. They sound weird and nasty- it's not just the shreiking, moods etc, but how they behave after it.

EMDR is great for trauma and I highly recommend it. You can get it on the NHS.

But it's not you- no one would like being woken up like that, and it's not normal, not on a regular basis. It's 'just' much worse for you because of your experiences, but anyone would think their behaviour is not ok.

Partly it's maybe that they take you for granted @Youn ? What do you think? They feel entitled to your constant on call help or something, and that they can 'talk' to you however they like.

I think if I were in your shoes and it were possible, I'd move out. This is really bad for your health and wellbeing, I imagine. It also must put you off them as people. You'd actually get on better with them if you didn't have to live with them 24/7.

If you can't move out yet (or maybe either way) you could do more stuff for your wellbeing. I have a severe mental health disability so I know what it's like, but there's often something different that can be tried when it comes to meds or therapy. x

Picklepopsalot · 19/08/2021 23:29

OP I really hope you get the chance for the rest and recovery you need. What an awful situation Flowers. I don’t have any constructive advice other than to try and find yourself somewhere safe and peaceful for a while.

SixesAndEights · 19/08/2021 23:33

I've reached page two.

Your husband is an absolute cunt and I'd recommend you sell up the family home and leave him. What a bastard.

TopBlogger · 19/08/2021 23:37

Please never take your family to the Sistene Chapel....

One of the most bizarre threads I have read. You seem the only sane one, yet YOU are the one thinking about psychiatric help Hmm

BBABaby · 19/08/2021 23:38

even with everything I’ve carried my weight at home with the home and kids.

Stop. Please just stop.

Tell your husband you actually cannot carry on with any family responsibilities and you must rest.

Do you have any supportive family? I’m guessing not, if your brother is like he is. Friends who would take you in?

twilightermummy · 19/08/2021 23:38

the very rare occasion I've had to wake my DP because of an actual emergency I've done it as gently as possible whilst being persistent and recognised that he would initially be sleepy and confused.

This through and through. This is the only way that anyone should be woken up.

I cannot believe what I’ve just read and your updates have got more horrific as you’ve gone on. I imagine that your husband and children just view you as “mum” and you’ve become almost a nothing to them. Your kids will grown out of it (hopefully) but your husband is outrageous. I think you’d find life a lot easier without him. Your children would have to become more independent too.

Seriously, if your husband has such little empathy for what you have been through, then what’s the fucking point? I’d hug you right now if I could and I’m a stranger on the internet. I really hope that you find some peace soon.