Does this happen to other people?

[Youn]

Name changed but long time poster.

I often get woken up DH, DC or occasionally DB screaming over me or crying because of their perceived emergency.

I have PTSD from my own medical emergency and severe anxiety as a result of the after effects but when my family wake me up like this, I genuinely have a panic attack and freak out. No one understands how fragile I feel and how utterly cruel it is to be woken up like this.

I’ve tried explaining to my DH and my DC (preteens) but it happened again today and I just feel like maybe I’m not for this world...

I feel like my family lack compassion and kindness and don’t realize what a big issue this has become for me.

Their perceived emergencies are small logistical misunderstandings quickly corrected like arriving early for something and thinking I have given them the wrong time. Husband venting about something happening at work. Or anything from weather change. Except when I wake up to someone screaming or crying over me I immediately think someone has died or been injured and my body experiences immediate trauma response and then once I realize it’s “nothing” I’m angry and exhausted.

I’ve never done this to them. But this is something that happened a lot to me when I was growing up. I hate it. I think it’s cruel.

Aibu? Is this “normal”?

Often it’s when I’m having my own health issue when this happens and I’m sleeping off a severe headache.

Can you leave the UAE op?

I can’t leave the UAE right now.

I don’t think anyone is shouting at you, your threat perception is understandably not functioning.

@Franklyfrost Erm, OP is actually there, we aren't. So, the likelihood is that she knows if people are shouting at her or not. We certainly can't know it better than her.

So sorry you were sexually assaulted on top of everything else @TwoMuchTwoYoung . As you say you're in a bad place, please see a doctor/consultant. There will be one that knows about and treats this stuff if you look around. Not that there's anything wrong with you, this is a natural response to trauma, but there are things they can do to help you, which you should take them up on.

I think you should ideally leave the UAE as soon as poss too. x

I think @lottiegarbanzo is spot on. I have been really ill too for several years and close to death very quickly on several occasions and it completely changes the family dynamics. I really feel for you op. What has helped me is support for myself and my children and that there is a specific agreement so that when x behaviour happens I go to the planned local hotel for a night so I can have a rest and they can sort themselves out. Its like an attachment /anxiety issue in my case.

But it's oddly worrying that when your child does same behaviour as you it's called freaking out or a tantrum. But yours is valid??

@gettingolderbutcooler

But it's oddly worrying that when your child does same behaviour as you it's called freaking out or a tantrum. But yours is valid??

What do you mean?

@Youn
Thanks for your reply. I'll keep it short as there is something wrong with mumsnet at the minute and ive had to write this 4 times already. 4 times too many. Your reply answered alot of questions and I feel I am more able to understand. Your brother and husband seem to have very strong reactions re the shouting and crying. This needs to change. You cannot go on like this. This is not normal. Same as your son,I do not know how old he is, but the other 2 are grown men. Also while I feel you should never fully rely on another person generally anyway, while said person is ill, it's even more hard. So I feel you are not able to carry them as well as yourself right now as you are not strong physically and emotionally. They need to learn to be able to carry without you. Having said that, I do feel that some of the everyday noises may be exacerbated in your mind due to your sensory issues or as a previous poster says, your recurrent meningitis. Please check this out if possible, even to just rule it out. It must be so hard to cope with.

Sorry for the typos. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.
Either way, you will not get better quickly and will most likely become resentful if you have not already of this carries on like this. Something has to change.
Ideally their behaviour. Hope you get well soon.

"I don’t think anyone is shouting at you, your threat perception is understandably not functioning."

Even if that is true, there is no need for either of them to be bothering Op at all for such trivia.

You poor thing. I know what it's like to be very ill and to be woken shockingly, like that. It's awful. DH used to do it when dd was small - one time, he put Jimi Hendrix on at full volume in our tiny flat; knowing that my preferred music was classical choral, he explained that he'd thought I'd like to be woken by "beautiful music". I wouldn't have liked it at that volume even if it had been music I considered beautiful, but he chose what was almost the antithesis to my taste!

I got so used to being awoken by being yelled at from the doorway that that's almost the only way to wake me even now, nearly 20 years on.

I can't believe your dh doesn't know exactly what he's doing. Maybe it can be excused by some blether about his so nearly losing you that seeing you fast asleep makes him react as if he thinks you're dead, but he can control that if he puts in a bit of effort for a very short time. He needs to set a good example to his children, not just in this but also in how to deal with unexpected events (such as arriving early) right the way up to real crises. He can't be this ineffectual at work can he?

@me4real

Incorrect threat perception is one of the main symptoms of ptsd. The op says she has ptsd.

Do you mean your husband was actually crying when they thought they had missed the tournament? Like actual tears etc? If so has he seen anyone about his mental health?

I was furious. He struggles being corrected but the fact that he kept saying he heard 3:45pm!!! I thought maybe he’s delusional.

He went into the bathroom and cried.

Maybe there’s something wrong with him. - errr, ya think?!!!!

No my children scream and cry.

My husband and brother get angry and scream at me.

It feels like some sort of torture, deliberately waking someone in the most insensitive way.

You poor woman.
What you have written is so dreadful.

I think you need to get away from them all for an extended break.

Your arse of a husband will have to suck it up.

Block your brother.

Your children sound like inconsiderate brats, particularly your son.
But then they have very poor examples in your husband and brother.

Make a solid plan and just go.

Does your husband get angry and scream at people at work for every little thing? Of course he doesn’t? He’s torturing you. This is actually quite hard to read because I don’t think you realise how nasty and deliberate this all is.

You will never have peace until you leave. I am actually raging reading this thread. What an absolute bastard. And no, he is not lovely and thoughtful for cooking breakfast once. Your perception of what a relationship should be are very skewed I think. I sincerely hope you break free of this hell. It’s no life.

I wonder if the “drama llama” issues are due to you being ex pats..

The tournament timing thing - is there a problem with your DH and children automatically assuming that they have probably got things wrong because there is a language barrier sometimes?

The same with your automatic assumption that someone has died - is that because you feel super powerless as you are so far away?

Not that I’m excusing them - they are completely ridiculous and abusing you very much with this, but I just wonder if you were living in the UK they would be so dramatic and unable to cope?

With no language worries and being closer to (potentially I’ll) relatives, would the situation be better?

Why can't you return home and leave UAE? If I had been sexually attacked and was being continually threatened in a strange country, then I would leave or at least make plans to leave. What if anything, have the police done about the assault and subsequent threats? How long have you been in UAE for? Tiredness will definitely exacerbate your anxiety and it sounds like you are still unwell and that your brain needs to heal. What's causing the reoccurring meningitis?

There is no easy solution while living together, is there any sort of retreat in a quiet place where you can go for a week or two.
I very much doubt your DH/DB will change their behaviour..

I hope
Things are calmer today

I wonder if your children are so afraid of losing you that it’s manifesting like this (the adults however, plain weird). I’m so sorry everything has happened to you, I really wish we could collectively give you somewhere you’d feel 100% safe to sleep and rest. I think I’m seeing that you’re starting to realise that you’re not at any fault here. Even if it’s what pp’s are suggesting ( and fwiw I don’t think it is) and ptsd is heightening your senses they should be mindful of it and leave you the fuck alone while you’re asleep unless it’s a real emergency like the house is on fire or something.

Not coping well atm.

To answer a few questions;

DH has admitted he messed up by allowing my DS to confuse the situation then driving home for kids to run upstairs to wake me and get more information. Admittedly the same information I had given him earlier.

I spoke to DH in depth about how traumatizing it is to be be woken up by angry/screaming/crying family members. When I laid it all out and in light of what I’ve been through he apologized and said he has more insight and will never do that to me again and will not allow the DC to either.

Granted I don’t understand why that was presumed to be acceptable in the past? I can only hope the future will be different.

I think my family have all been traumatized by the “close calls” and I’m in therapy, so is my DH but I think I need to get help for my DC especially my DS.

I can’t get out of the UAE, I have commitments here and my family. I feel like any decision I made would need to be done when I’ve worked through my trauma. However if there is no consideration shown and I can’t sleep in peace and not be woken up with crying or screaming, I will go to a hotel close by for a few days.

Locking my door doesn’t make me feel better knowing they could just stand at the door banging on it for me to wake up and that would be triggering.

OP,
I am so sorry for you and how hard this must be.

You say you have spoken to your husband and he now understands.

I hope things improve.

I cannot get my head around your husbands behaviour.

It's so abusive that it's unbelievable.

I think the hotel is a good idea.
You need a break.
Your children will have to cope somehow with your husband.

I think you need to be away from them.
Your life is more important than any of their needs and bullshit drama.

Therapy for the children sounds like a plan too.

Apologies I have no more constructive advice than pack a bag and get away for as long as it takes to feel stronger.

Maybe divorce the asshole husband when you are well.

His behaviour has been just horrendous.

It's good that you've recognised your need to heal comes first, before anything else. You must act on that (or when will you recover, never? Seriously, think about that). A hotel sounds like a good plan. Don't make it a threat, make it a promise - towards your own recovery.

Your son needs a good role model in your husband, more than anything.

They need to learn to look after themselves, together. You going away for a couple of weeks would be the perfect opportunity. It's amazing what people can do when they have to. Whereas, when they know there's a safety net (you), it may feel impossibly hard to motivate themselves to get their act together.

(A very simple example of the same phenomenon is that if there's a large spider in the bath and DH is here, I actually feel more bothered by it, physically and emotionally, than I do if he's not here. If I know I'm the adult in charge and it just has to be dealt with, especially if there's a child present, I stay calm and get on with it. My mental focus is on action, not feeling).

In your example of the sports event, why didn't they call the organiser, or look up the details online, or in their messages from when it was organised, or find someone to speak to at the venue? Why didn't your husband check the voice note, rather than believe your son unquestioningly? How would they have coped if you weren't there? They'd have managed.

I wouldn't turn to therapy etc as the first course of action for your son. It might help but it might also cement his idea that he's special and needs external help to cope with everyday life, which could actually be counterproductive. Though, I appreciate he may have been badly scared by your illness and talking to someone specifically about that, might be valuable.