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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this happen to other people?

256 replies

Youn · 19/08/2021 20:23

Name changed but long time poster.

I often get woken up DH, DC or occasionally DB screaming over me or crying because of their perceived emergency.

I have PTSD from my own medical emergency and severe anxiety as a result of the after effects but when my family wake me up like this, I genuinely have a panic attack and freak out. No one understands how fragile I feel and how utterly cruel it is to be woken up like this.

I’ve tried explaining to my DH and my DC (preteens) but it happened again today and I just feel like maybe I’m not for this world...

I feel like my family lack compassion and kindness and don’t realize what a big issue this has become for me.

Their perceived emergencies are small logistical misunderstandings quickly corrected like arriving early for something and thinking I have given them the wrong time. Husband venting about something happening at work. Or anything from weather change. Except when I wake up to someone screaming or crying over me I immediately think someone has died or been injured and my body experiences immediate trauma response and then once I realize it’s “nothing” I’m angry and exhausted.

I’ve never done this to them. But this is something that happened a lot to me when I was growing up. I hate it. I think it’s cruel.

Aibu? Is this “normal”?

Often it’s when I’m having my own health issue when this happens and I’m sleeping off a severe headache.

OP posts:
SixesAndEights · 19/08/2021 23:39

@Youn

I told my DH tonight that if there was a psychiatric in-house facility that I could go to where we live, I would go. I feel fragile.

But there are no psychiatric in-house facilities in the country I am in. I ultimately need somewhere peaceful, healthy to get my body and mind back on track and counseling. Without the demands of DH and DC.

You don't need psychiatric in-house facilities OP!

You need to get away from this awful abusive, gaslighting husband who is teaching your son to do exactly the same, and seems to have been successful in dragging your own mother and brother into treating you badly through his manipulative ways.

Please, please leave!

Blueemeraldagain · 19/08/2021 23:42

I find the fact that you are married to a man who treats you terribly, in the same specific way your brother does, strange. Did your husband “learn” from your brother? Did your husband always treat you like this?

Throckmorton · 19/08/2021 23:46

Oh god, what a total bunch of cunts! Honestly, LTB. It'll be a lot easier to teach your son manners if his father isn't around basically encouraging him.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 19/08/2021 23:46

It sounds like your DH is angry with you for being ill and stealing his time from him because he'd rather be doing his hobby than doing 'your' job of looking after the DC. He is punishing you using the method that your brother has conveniently shown to be most distressing to you, and teaching your DC to do the same. He's an abusive dick.

FortunesFave · 19/08/2021 23:50

It sounds like you're sleeping a lot during times when most people are up and about....?

Original poster
Youn · 19/08/2021 23:51

I think my husbands behavior is his anxiety taking over him.

I know that we have been through an awful few years and I believe our nerves are shot.
I won’t make anymore excuses though. It’s getting worse and I can’t take anymore.

I really hope he takes what I say onboard.

OP posts:
SamiReed1 · 19/08/2021 23:53

Your husband is a selfish, worthless piece of shit. I would not stay with him, I would leave. I am THAT serious. He is seriously detrimental to your health and could cause you to have a major psychotic break and end up in hospital. It seems like he almost delights in making your cry. He appears to be doing this on purpose. He is cruel, abusive and gaslighting you. And he clearly is maliciously whipping the DC up and hiding behind them. He is abusive, and you need to get away from him.

I would also go NC with your brother and I don't understand why you haven't til now. I'd bar him from calling, visiting, or speaking to you again. Hitting and screaming at a sick person recovering from a deadly infection is beyond abusive, evil and cruel. Cut him from your life permanently, even threaten to get a Restraining Order if you have to.

Can you go to your mums? Or somewhere for a week, bare minimum? You need at least a week where NO ONE can contact you, and you leave your mobile at home. You will never recover unless you are far away from your 'D'H and children, at least away from the H. You clearly can't get better at home, because your H won't let it be a safe place for you. You need to get out of the house and go somewhere, parents house, or even a motel room. Anywhere. But you NEED to get away from your H if you are to have any chance at recovering and getting healthy. He is dangerous and poisonous to you and you can no longer stay under the same roof as him, at least until you are mainly on the mend.

Throckmorton · 19/08/2021 23:53

If husband's anxiety is that bad he needs to see a GP and even then he needs to stop screaming at you.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 19/08/2021 23:54

@FortunesFave

It sounds like you're sleeping a lot during times when most people are up and about....?
She's recovering from illness, so it's pretty normal to need a lot of sleep. When I was recovering from pneumonia I worried that if I slept in the day that I wouldn't sleep at night, but actually I needed a lot of sleep and probably slept around 14-16 hours out of every 24 for at least two or three weeks while I recovered.
Marriedatfirstyear · 19/08/2021 23:55

Hi OP, could you maybe lock the door and have earbuds when asleep during the day? Tell the kids what time you'll be up and to get your husband if they have an "emergency'. If not possible, then talk to your husband calmy over and over again until he realises how serious this is. Good luck OP, hope your family learns to be more considerate.

poppymaewrite · 19/08/2021 23:56

This is definitely not okay. Next time they wake you up, do not respond to the issue. Put your foot down. Tell them you're not responding because you did not want to be woken up. Once they stop getting what they want when they wake you up, they won't have a reason to do it anymore.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/08/2021 23:58

This is one of the oddest things I've ever read.

Do your DH and DCs have special needs of some sort? Why all the drama, incompetence and total dependence on other people to run the most basic aspects of their lives? What's wrong with them?

Do you live in a culture that despises women? Do they regard you as some sort of servant? How has this dynamic come about?

SamiReed1 · 19/08/2021 23:59

@FortunesFave

It sounds like you're sleeping a lot during times when most people are up and about....?
@FortunesFave Did you miss that she is recovering from Meningitis? A deadly brain infection? Of course she is sleeping a lot! Anyone recovering from a deadly infection on the brain would be.
Original poster
Youn · 20/08/2021 00:00

I’m don’t live in the same country as my parents. I can’t get home to recover. My brother and I live in the same place but obviously I can’t rely on him to give me a safe space to recover.

I have friends and will think about how to address this and with who.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youn · 20/08/2021 00:02

@lottiegarbanzo

This is one of the oddest things I've ever read.

Do your DH and DCs have special needs of some sort? Why all the drama, incompetence and total dependence on other people to run the most basic aspects of their lives? What's wrong with them?

Do you live in a culture that despises women? Do they regard you as some sort of servant? How has this dynamic come about?

No special needs.

No explanation because I try to equip them to be independent but I know that a lot of this is mimicked behavior!

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 20/08/2021 00:03

Please do get yourself out of this situation, as it will be too exhausting to try to get your family members to stop this ridiculous, selfish behaviour.

SixesAndEights · 20/08/2021 00:03

@Youn

I’m don’t live in the same country as my parents. I can’t get home to recover. My brother and I live in the same place but obviously I can’t rely on him to give me a safe space to recover.

I have friends and will think about how to address this and with who.

I so hope you have good friends who will help you leave this awful man forever.

Anxiety does not lead people to abuse others, to gaslight them, and to teach their children to do the same to their mother.

BBABaby · 20/08/2021 00:05

Courage, Youn. Flowers

theThreeofWeevils · 20/08/2021 00:07

OP, do you currently live in, and does your husband come from, a culture where women are overtly treated as 'lesser' than men? That's the vibe I have got from your posts, which makes my advice (when you are fully recovered, LTB) a bit more problematic. I mean, although your son sounds like a whiny little shite, I presume you'd still want to take him out of the country if you did leave.

Clarissa111 · 20/08/2021 00:30

I'm sorry this is weird! At first I thought why are u sleeping all the time? But really your explanations.
I can honestly say I've never screamed or cried over a sleeping person. Especially for such a stupid reason. I had a phone call late at night. My best friend. Her dad had died in an accident. She needed me to wake her brother round the corner. I woke my chap up normally. Shook him and whispered his name until he woke. I was devastated and still did not act like this.

Clarissa111 · 20/08/2021 00:35

Sorry I meant read your explanation. But still this is really weird. I cant imagine a time my family would do this to me. Especially knowing how it affects you.

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2021 00:43

This is horrendous. You need a locked door to your bedroom, phone off while sleeping- if it is an emergency tell your dh they have him for emergencies, and a plan for what you can change. So you stop trying to address their behaviour and change your own- if they are screaming and shouting outside your door, you will not address that issue. You will check everyone is alive and there’s no fire then leave the house. You will no longer sort issues out when people bring them to you screaming and shouting. Ever. If your dh is the one screaming and shouting you will go to a hotel. Your db may not have a key (he sounds like a psychopath) change the locks if necessary. These are your boundaries and stick to them.

Franklyfrost · 20/08/2021 00:52

I don’t think anyone is shouting at you, your threat perception is understandably not functioning. You’re sleeping, maybe a lot, during the day (hopefully as part of your recovery and not because you’re depressed). Sometimes people will need information from you at a time when they expect adults to be awake and they don’t understand that it’s not appropriate to ask you.

Have you had a conversation with your dp about why you need to sleep and what behaviour you would like from him when you’re asleep? It sounds very basic but if I’m shattered and know I need a rest then my partner knows that the children can’t come in the room so he needs to know where they are or remind them, I have my phone off, bedroom door closed, etc. Agree on some ground rules which protect your sleep. Also, this is a way in which your partner can help you recover- would might appeal to him? If having a regular rest time is possible then that will help everyone else as they’ll know when you’ll be back in action.

I’m so sorry life is stressful right now and hope you get the rest you need.

Lottie2shoes · 20/08/2021 01:03

Sorry if this is not the case. But having read all the pages and replies, it's fairly obvious this is not normal behaviour.
I am just wondering though as you have PTSD and are obviously recovering from illness so your sleep will mostly likely not be quality, whether you are perceiving normal chatter as shouting and agitation?
I mean it seems you are saying many people in your life seem to be doing this, which I would imagine to be a rare event for that many people not to understand and to make the same mistake over and over again.
When I have had less sleep due to illness, I am more prone to get scared easier in my sleep.
Obviously on a lower level to what you are feeling.
But im just wondering whether your lack of quality sleep has you more on edge and as the others move and converse around you and with you etc, it is startling you and you perceive the sound louder than it actually is in your head.
I do not know how you could improve this though. Maybe get some help from a doctor, he can maybe prescribe you some sleeping pills to ensure you have the rest you need?

Totallydefeated · 20/08/2021 01:13

Your DS needs help to learn to regulate his emotions and he needs to be taught to respect boundaries.

Your Dh..... well. I’m torn between thinking he’s a massive child trapped in a man’s body, who also has never learnt the most basics ways of managing his own emotions and that he’s a resentful and manipulative bastard who doesn’t give a shiny shit about you.

I’m sorry for all you’ve been through Op. how you haven’t gone absolutely nuclear with them is beyond me. I’d have left DH and had DS in therapy by now.