Does this happen to other people?

[Youn]

Name changed but long time poster.

I often get woken up DH, DC or occasionally DB screaming over me or crying because of their perceived emergency.

I have PTSD from my own medical emergency and severe anxiety as a result of the after effects but when my family wake me up like this, I genuinely have a panic attack and freak out. No one understands how fragile I feel and how utterly cruel it is to be woken up like this.

I’ve tried explaining to my DH and my DC (preteens) but it happened again today and I just feel like maybe I’m not for this world...

I feel like my family lack compassion and kindness and don’t realize what a big issue this has become for me.

Their perceived emergencies are small logistical misunderstandings quickly corrected like arriving early for something and thinking I have given them the wrong time. Husband venting about something happening at work. Or anything from weather change. Except when I wake up to someone screaming or crying over me I immediately think someone has died or been injured and my body experiences immediate trauma response and then once I realize it’s “nothing” I’m angry and exhausted.

I’ve never done this to them. But this is something that happened a lot to me when I was growing up. I hate it. I think it’s cruel.

Aibu? Is this “normal”?

Often it’s when I’m having my own health issue when this happens and I’m sleeping off a severe headache.

It sounds to me like they all feel a bit fragile because you are their rock and if you're sleeping, they feel insecure about handling everything themselves perhaps... Your husband probably doesn't like having to do all of these things while you are sleeping and probably resents the situation perhaps and then reacts in an over the top way!
Think you need to set some ground rules with them all, tell the kids they were right to not want to wake you and you only want to be woken in a proper emergency. Write down schedules and notes for the day, put ear plugs in and tell them you are absolutely not to be woken!

@Youn

I’m recovering from multiple neurological infections which were life threatening and occasionally need to sleep during the day.

Emergencies include:

• time set for tournament 4pm, I ask DH to take DC for 4pm. DS while I’m sleeping tells DH they need to be there 3:45pm. They get there, no one is there. DC think they’ve missed it, so rush home to blame me for being the person who knows the details but doesn’t share the details. Thankfully it’s around the corner from us, so after the screaming and crying cos they were angry with me and disappointed for thinking they missed the tournament they leave as fast as they barged in and made the tournament start time on time.

Had DH just listened to me and not been rocked by DS correcting time- all would have been fine.

• I’ve traveled to another country, sick and sleeping while DH is home with DC. Son falls at home, DH calls me, (not on my phone because I’d put it in silent because I was sick), so he calls my DM and insist she wakes me up. He’s screaming at me on the phone that my son is hurt (he fell and grazed his knee) and he can’t find our medical insurance card. (Which is BUPA - so always able to print the members card) not a crisis.

• we are in the process of selling our home. Deal almost through but new buys are being opportunistic in making demands for repairs etc that are not in the contract or agreed. So DH get the call from our estate agent mainly to tell him about these CF. He barges into the room, again while I’m sleeping. Yelling you won’t believe this.... x3/4 times. I wake up terrified someone’s died. He then tells me the issue. I call the agent, tell her no way we even entertaining these CF’s and she agrees. Crisis averted 😔

I can go on.

Your husband is an arse. And a stress head.

You need old-fashioned convalescing somewhere they’re all not. Hotel, etc.

DH is not doing too much!!

I have spent most of these summer holidays trying to pace myself with a morning or afternoon activity if my health allows it. Doesn’t help that I tripped and pulled the ligaments in my foot so my movement s restricted but even with everything I’ve carried my weight at home with the home and kids.

DH has a ft job and a ft hobby and while I’m he is getting better about more home/work/hobby balance.... it can quickly become unbalanced and he struggles to protect time and allocate it for family.

Your husband and brother are sadistic arsewipes. Your son if learning his behaviour from your husband.

I'd be considering divorce and giving your husband full custody and wiping my hands of the lot of them.

Why do you have to do all of life's admin? How old are the children? I write any and all appointments on a family calendar as soon as I see a letter for them or get an email. I will mention it to dh but have given up reminding him several times. I will add a note on the calendar and add it to our shared Google calendar. If something is missed on his watch so be it (my kids are little yet so can't take responsibility rhemselves).

You need support for your PTSD and they all need to back off. Your dh needs to step up and be aware of what is going on with the kids so if you are unavailable he can take over. Can you not have a family meeting where you talk about your issues?

@Youn

DC and DH seem happier when I’m not around. Maybe I’m the tense one that makes things unpleasant. That was totally my husbands stance when I attempted to talk to my DC about this today after they got home from the tournament.

Gaslighting bullshit

Youn Thu 19-Aug-21 21:29:10
godmum56
"Why are you asleep?
I’m recovering from multiple infections of meningitis. Last one a couple of months ago."

Everything feels hard to do.

In that case they should be treating you as convalescent and their father should be taking more on.

Forgive me OP but I'm really confused your post, what do you mean by this
Their perceived emergencies are small logistical misunderstandings quickly corrected like arriving early for something and thinking I have given them the wrong time.
Are they calling you on the phone?

he struggles to protect time and allocate it for family.

This has to be the politest way of saying "he's a selfish arsehole" I've ever read.

If we were a hundred years ago I'd say it's your nerves and you need to go to a nice convalescent home for peace and quiet

But since it's 2021 I'm going to say ...

It's your nerves and you need to go to a nice convalescent home for peace and quiet

Leave them all. You need somewhere quiet to recover.

Sorry OP, I've read the thread completely- your DH is a child. Your DH is not a father figure.
He needs a bloody boot up his arse.
Can your DM tell him to grow some fucking balls and leave you alone to get better.

I told my DH tonight that if there was a psychiatric in-house facility that I could go to where we live, I would go. I feel fragile.

But there are no psychiatric in-house facilities in the country I am in. I ultimately need somewhere peaceful, healthy to get my body and mind back on track and counseling. Without the demands of DH and DC.

I am so sorry you have been so poorly and now trying to recover. I too have to sleep when my body needs it as I have a long term medical condition. Not once ever has my dh or dc woke me up in any way let alone screaming. They appreciate I need the rest and manage to deal with life's dramas perfectly well. This is a bizarre and abusive situation. Lay down the rules to them and how the dh should be able to cope with these 'emergencies' !

@Youn does your DH behave like this at work with his work colleagues? Does he behave like this with his friends when he's doing his hobby? If he turned up for a work meeting at 3.45pm and nobody was there would he scream and shout at his manager for telling him the wrong time??

@VenusTiger

Forgive me OP but I'm really confused your post, what do you mean by this Their perceived emergencies are small logistical misunderstandings quickly corrected like arriving early for something and thinking I have given them the wrong time. Are they calling you on the phone?

I’ve received many abusive phone calls while I was sleeping. Usually given by others (while in hospital because my phone was on silent).

But it’s happened in person a lot!

I did this once to my mum as a child. We were sharing a room on holiday (I was about 8) and I just have been having some half awake/half asleep fever dream because I was 100% convinced the ceiling fan turning in the semi-darkness was actually a huge spider’s legs going across the ceiling. I flung myself out of my bed and across her sleeping body to “save her”. She found it funny (eventually, she liked her sleep) because I am extremely arachnophobic and she wasn’t bothered by spiders at all. She used to say she thought it was very sweet that I had tried to protect her given how scared I am of spiders.

There’s nothing sweet about this. Are you able to stay anywhere else? Just to get some real rest and relaxation.

Is the shithead brother his or your’s?

This is really abnormal. I don’t think I’ve genuinely heard anyone scream, thank god, I simoly can’t imagine why your family do it regularly and when you’re asleep. Honestly that’s odd as hell, weird and dysfunctional.

My DH has never screamed at me in our 20 years together. What your husband is doing is absolutely not on! I agree with PP that I doubt he is screaming at work or in public so why on earth does he think he can do it to someone he supposedly loves? And waking you up like that is mental, who cares if he is angry...he is wrong!

It’s my DB. Long tumultuous relationship shared on man before but this was his way with me growing up.... waking me up screaming! Or hitting me! Or both!

@godmum56

Why are you asleep?

RTFT

It sounds like you have quite an awful and stressful life. Would you consider getting away from them all?

Literally nobody has woken me crying and screaming, apart from when DD was very little and had night terrors.

@SeaShoreGalore

It sounds like you have quite an awful and stressful life. Would you consider getting away from them all?

Literally nobody has woken me crying and screaming, apart from when DD was very little and had night terrors.

It has been tough. I am strong through but on hard days it feels too much to bare.

I daydream about running away but my DC, especially my DD keeps me from actually doing that. She is my treasure.

@MotionActivatedDog

Is your DH really screaming in all these incidents? Or talking loudly? You can’t talk if you’re screaming.

Don't be ridiculous. You're gaslighting OP now. Of course people can scream words. That's not "talking loudly".

I need help.

I’ll discuss with DH and put more boundaries in place. To help me feel safe and stay safe. I am constantly jumpy and frightened by everything and loud noise, bang or voice. It’s awful.

Children need DH to explain this to them. That would help me feel supported too.

Then see if I can get time away even locally.

on hard days it feels too much to bare.

Because it is too much to bear. For anyone. And you shouldn't, and don't, have to bear it.