Does this happen to other people?

[Youn]

Name changed but long time poster.

I often get woken up DH, DC or occasionally DB screaming over me or crying because of their perceived emergency.

I have PTSD from my own medical emergency and severe anxiety as a result of the after effects but when my family wake me up like this, I genuinely have a panic attack and freak out. No one understands how fragile I feel and how utterly cruel it is to be woken up like this.

I’ve tried explaining to my DH and my DC (preteens) but it happened again today and I just feel like maybe I’m not for this world...

I feel like my family lack compassion and kindness and don’t realize what a big issue this has become for me.

Their perceived emergencies are small logistical misunderstandings quickly corrected like arriving early for something and thinking I have given them the wrong time. Husband venting about something happening at work. Or anything from weather change. Except when I wake up to someone screaming or crying over me I immediately think someone has died or been injured and my body experiences immediate trauma response and then once I realize it’s “nothing” I’m angry and exhausted.

I’ve never done this to them. But this is something that happened a lot to me when I was growing up. I hate it. I think it’s cruel.

Aibu? Is this “normal”?

Often it’s when I’m having my own health issue when this happens and I’m sleeping off a severe headache.

Your DH sounds like a total emotional mess, unable to function like a normal adult. Your DC have learnt this from him and are going to continue in the same way. The behaviour of your 12 year old sounds incredibly immature, with the tantrums and stressing.

Does your DH work? Is he like this with his work colleagues??

DC and DH seem happier when I’m not around. Maybe I’m the tense one that makes things unpleasant. That was totally my husbands stance when I attempted to talk to my DC about this today after they got home from the tournament.

@greendiva

This all sounds really odd, completely confused by what on earth is happening in your family.

Very much this.

Are you still in counselling?

You must realise that's nonsense. You weren't involved at all, all the drama came from your DH and your DS, you were asleep and not even there.

This is absolutely bonkers OP. I genuinely can't imagine adults behaving this way over such minor things

@therearenogoodusernamesleft

Do you realise how odd this is, OP? That it's not just about your PTSD, but that families don't generally go around screaming about total non-events?

When did this start? Have you ever addressed it as a family?

Yes, this. Leaving aside your PTSD entirely, there seems to be a lot of screaming and panicking and drama over day to day stuff in your house.

@Youn

DC and DH seem happier when I’m not around. Maybe I’m the tense one that makes things unpleasant. That was totally my husbands stance when I attempted to talk to my DC about this today after they got home from the tournament.

No. No, no, no.

Adults and older children who seemingly melt down into bizarre screaming, tantrumming messes over minor issues are the problem here, not you.

It sounds like it’s just your whole family dynamic to blow things out of proportion OP. It’s probably not something you’ll be able to undo easily tbh. It’s just how you all are.

It sounds really really weird and definitely not normal. Your son seems to be copying his father, although I am not sure why your brother has started to join in as well. Also, and not diminishing what they are doing in any way, but the examples you gave were all day time examples, but you are always sleeping, is there a reason for that?

I’m still in therapy.

But my therapist has been on holiday and things have exasperated for me this past week or 2.

DH has always needed an ear to vent!!! And it drives me batty at times because I don’t think many of these issues are issues at all. Just need concise communication and direction. But he bounces many of these issues off me.

DH is really upset with me tonight because he says he insisted the kids came to wake me up to get the details this afternoon and apparently they were “afraid” to, so he said it’s terrible that I’ve made our DC afraid to wake me up in “emergencies”.

I tried to explain this was not an emergency. He had the info but my son confused the situation because my DH allowed him to override what I had said.

Anyway I’m just exhausted and really low.

Lock the door / put a chair under the door handle so they can't rush in when you are sleeping.

Why are you asleep?

They’re all absolute fuckers. I’d have total sense of humour failure the first time one of them did this to me. After the number of non emergency wake ups you’ve had I’d be moving into my own place, giving nobody a key and changing my phone number!! The utter bastards.

FWIW DP gets short shrift if he even accidentally wakes me up. I’ve had a cortisol test done and mine is off the charts Sky high in the mornings, which may explain why I hate being woken so badly and can’t get back to sleep for shaking. If you have PTSD yours may well be high all the time.

Your H needs to respect how utterly unacceptable this is, and if didn’t I’d honestly leave him. It’s a shitty thing to do to someone. And your DCs are old enough to know they shouldn’t ever copy their dad’s awful behaviour too.

But the children should be afraid to wake you with unnecessary nonsense that could be resolved between them and your DH. They should be aware and able to understand, given their age, that you are recovering from your various medical issues and also that it triggers your PTSD.

"I tried to explain this was not an emergency. He had the info but my son confused the situation because my DH allowed him to override what I had said."

Absolutely spot on on both points.

When your son told him the wrong time, why did they not check it together?

When they got there at the wrong time-why didn't it occur to them that 4pm was the correct time?

Why did they just come home?

It's completely nonsensical & irrational behaviour.

DH is really upset with me tonight because he says he insisted the kids came to wake me up to get the details this afternoon and apparently they were “afraid” to, so he said it’s terrible that I’ve made our DC afraid to wake me up in “emergencies

I got labelled a child hater for insisting DPs kids didn’t come in and wake me when they stayed over too. I told him to take them downstairs if he wanted early morning cuddles, not put them in my bed and then go back to sleep. I didn’t give a shit if he thought I was mean or unreasonable - my bed my rules. If you have a spare room then use it as your own, buy some earplugs and a lock for the door and tell them all that dads in charge until they all learn some fucking manners.

@godmum56

Why are you asleep?

I’m recovering from multiple infections of meningitis. Last one a couple of months ago.

Everything feels hard to do.

No one has ever in my life woken me up and especially not in this way. Its not normal in any way.
Its also not normal for grown men to be screaming and shouting and panicking over such minor things. This sounds chaotic and not at all good for the children which is evident in them copying this strange behavior. Your dh is either unwell or abusive.

Tell them all you can’t organise their lives, you are ill and need to recover. For this period, Dad is in charge. You will just be resting.

Hand it all over to your husband. Then he can make the arrangements that suit him and no one will need to scream at you or disturb you.

He sounds like a stress head or very unkind. You know which.

It's horrible being woken up like this. My mother used to scream my name like the house was burning down. A neighbour two doors away actually commented on it once. One day when my sister was back from uni my DM screamed for her like that to wake her up. Poor Dsis woke in a blind panic and bolted downstairs completely naked.

Your husband is an arsehole and he's ensuring everyone around you does exactly what you've asked not to happen, rather than do what he should and stop it happening, be accountable to your children, explain why again if necessary you cannot be woken like that. If they wouldn't call 999 (iyswim) they can't need to wake you?

Fucking hell, no that is not normal at all. And it's worse because of your past history.

Tbh I'd be tempted to do it to them (wake them up screaming and crying and making a huge drama out of something trivial) so they can see how (even without PTSD) annoying and unreasonable it is...,

Does he resent you sleeping ? Sounds like he je making things seem serious so you have to wake up.

Does he think he's doing far too much ?

No it's not normal behaviour. Although your DC probably think it is because they've seen their father model it. They are absolute shitbags the lot of them. If you were perfectly healthy it still wouldn't be ok.

Often it’s when I’m having my own health issue when this happens and sleeping off a headache

I think this is key. Your attention is on you, not them. Dickheads with a sense of entitlement don't like this and will seek to get your attention back onto them.

If I was you I'd instigate immediate consequences for this behaviour. First, don't sort out whatever the problem is, don't listen to the venting etc, don't even listen to whatever the problem is (if someone has died, honestly they'll go find someone else to help them with that, if he problem isn't urgent they'll sort it themselves). Secondly, be angry, very angry. Ignore their words and have a shouting rant of your own at them. How dare they wake you like this! How dare they wake you at all! Unless someone needs to go to hospital in an ambulance or the house is on fire they should leave you to sleep, the selfish bastards. Call them names, swear at them, go nuclear. Point out that you're ill and resting, that your a human being who deserves respect! Then tell them to fuck off and mean it. If it's your DH doing it and it's bedtime, he's sleeping on the sofa tonight. If it's your DC, take away their playstation next day as punishment.

If none of his works, LTBs. They can all live together in miserable shoutyness and you can rent a flat somewhere alone. Any child maintenance you have to pay will be worth it for the peace. Your current situation is awful

Put a lock on your bedroom door and tell them 'I'm going for a rest, sort out your own problems for the next 90 minutes, I don't want to hear from you.'