AIBU to call partner shit dad for not doing the careing side of parenting because he works?

[Sophie1029734]

So me and my partner are haveing a disagreement and we are comeing here for opinions. I think hes wrong and he thinks I am.
Our little girl is 18m.

AIBU for calling partner shit dad for not doing any of the careing side such as nappy changes, baths, changing clothes, feeds.. everything.
He thinks he isnt in the wrong for not doing those things because he works 5 days a week from 6.50am and comes back at 5.20pm.I'm a stay at home and dont contribute to food, house and Bill's. I do all the cleaning, near enough homemade meals all the time, baby has seperate meals, I literally do everything in the home and for LO.
I dont think this is an excuse for never doing any part of the careing side for her and never helping out with the house jobs, even through covid leave and parent leave. But he doesnt think its fair that I've called him a shit dad for providing.

@Sophie1029734 I hope you are ok. I would not be surprised to learn he is the type to turn on you. I hope that you are safe.

I also loveing being with my little girl, I love her so much. Itd break my heart leaving her

He loves her too and it probably breaks his heart leaving her too and he’d rather stay home with her than go to work every day.
As the SAHP it is definitely on you to do the majority of childcare and housework but during the weekend it should be split more evenly and he should WANT to do all of the things he doesn’t usually get to do.

My friends works full time. As soon as he gets home and on weekends he takes over the childcare completely and his wife goes off and does what she wants. He doesn’t get a break to have a shower or anything until after they’re in bed but he says he wants to do it all as he loves them and misses them when he’s at work.

I will never ever understand this. I work a full time job and don't have the option to decide to stop parenting my kids when I finish...

As soon as I finish, I am doing dinners, doing laundry, making sure the kids sheets are clean and they have fresh pyjamas to go to bed in, tidying up all their toys they've pulled out (and all the other cupboards they have gotten into!). I then have a bath when they are in bed and I get to have an hour or so of me time.

How do other people live when they have kids if you can't afford a nanny (or a doormat partner who does everything for you)!?

Poor bloke.

Yes he is absolutely a shit dad and a shit husband. This piss thing would be enough for me to leave. This man has utter contempt for you. He should WANT to parent his child. Play time isn’t parenting. What a waste of space.

Haha, he is very naive if he thought he'd get unbiased views here!!

It's really simple. You should do the majority of it. You've opted to be a SAHM, so that's fair. He should do some of it. There should be a share of chores on weekends, but that doesn't only include typical women chores we hear here all the time, but also the more 'male' typical activities, hard core gardening, DIY, etc...

The test is: How much more does one spend doing their own things at the weekend. During the week, as a SAHM of one only, you'll have more 'me time' available' during the day, so it's reasonable that he should have a bit more than you in the evenings not all though.

He's not a shit dad, but he's not a good dad. He's doing the absolute bare minimum as a father. He's allowing someone to provide for his child.

He is a shit partner though. He doesn't feel the need to help you at all. He doesn't even work that much. Does he just sit and watch you running round like a blue arsed fly and not offer to help at all?

@Sophie1029734 yanbu for wanting him to help, but yabu for calling him names like Shit Dad. That will make him defensive, argumentative and escalate the problem. I found that saying please and thankyou, and lots of positive reinforcement "oh, you did that really quickly, thanks!", worked wonders for getting DH to.pitch in. It took a while, but eventually I didn't need to adk any more - he just did it. it sets a good example for your DC, and is good practice for you because you will eventually need to train DC to do things using the same technique.

I found that saying please and thankyou, and lots of positive reinforcement "oh, you did that really quickly, thanks!", worked wonders for getting DH to.pitch in. It took a while, but eventually I didn't need to adk any more - he just did it

So you had to treat your adult partner the same way that I treat my 7 year older child.

That’s quite embarrassing.

I wonder if he needs that kind of approach to get him to ‘pitch in’ at work too from his Boss or whether he’s a completely capable and functional adult there?

Honestly - I can’t believe some men are this pathetic.

Would you like to be called a shit Mum because you don’t provide anything financially for yourself, your daughter or your husband?

The things like a roof over your head and food on the table are pretty important too. Shit dads don’t provide those things for their children, let alone their other parent.

[quote habeeno]@Sophie1029734 yanbu for wanting him to help, but yabu for calling him names like Shit Dad. That will make him defensive, argumentative and escalate the problem. I found that saying please and thankyou, and lots of positive reinforcement "oh, you did that really quickly, thanks!", worked wonders for getting DH to.pitch in. It took a while, but eventually I didn't need to adk any more - he just did it. it sets a good example for your DC, and is good practice for you because you will eventually need to train DC to do things using the same technique.[/quote]
Whilst I understand the sentiment here, the thought of treating my DH like a child in this manner gives me the real ick. Thank you so much for doing what I do every day - just no.

While I don’t think he is a good dad or role model dad, I do think YABU to call him a “shit dad”. To my mind “shit dads” are abusive, or addicts, or have abandoned their child.

So I think if you want him to do more than he does with his child, you need to be a bit more realistic regarding the kind of dad he is. He’s not good, but not shit either. He could definitely do better, but he may already be better than his dad was to him. Most people respond better to encouragement and opportunity to improve than excessive criticism and name calling.

@NailsNeedDoing

Would you like to be called a shit Mum because you don’t provide anything financially for yourself, your daughter or your husband?

The things like a roof over your head and food on the table are pretty important too. Shit dads don’t provide those things for their children, let alone their other parent.

honestly, I think providing a roof over their heads and feeding them is probably the bare minimum. I don't think it makes you a particularly superior parent.

@Sophie1029734 YABU - working and providing for such an ungrateful person like you must be challenging.
When was the last time you thanked him for that?

It takes two to tango!

If you were actually a nice person, I am sure he would be more willing. Which I think he would do but you sound really hard work! 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

@letmethinkaboutitfornow thank you for providing for your child......

what a low bar.

Also. He's not working for his child. He's working for himself. I hate when people say they work for their children. As though they wouldn't need to work if they didn't have children. He still needs to pay for a roof over his own head. His own utilities and food. He's giving a small fraction of his earnings to also provide for your and your child's food and utilities. But if he didn't, the government would. If you left him, you wouldn't have to do any more , in fact, you'd have less cleaning and cooking to do. Whereas he'd have loads more to do and he'd have sole care, I'm guessing, every other weekend. And he'd still have to provide for her.

Play time isn’t enough, anyone can do that.

Babies and toddlers build deep bonds and trust with those who provide care for them, the ones who they instinctively know they can depend on for survival. A good playmate will never build that same bond.

I suppose it depends whether he wants his child to have a similar relationship with a hundred other people or something deeper.

Just to add the child neither knows nor cares about the concept of work and bills. He needs to look at it from your dc’s point of view not his.

OMG since when did grown men need specifically thanked for doing their share of looking after their own children and homes???
Do you give him little gold stars or dinosaur stickers in his workbook when he's been an especially good boy, too?
How anyone can bring themselves to get pregnant by these pathetic specimens really is a mystery.

honestly, I think providing a roof over their heads and feeding them is probably the bare minimum. I don't think it makes you a particularly superior parent

Not superior, but certainly not shit. Providing a roof and food is more than the OPs doing when she’s giving hurtful insults to her child’s father, and is really quite important. You could equally say that maintaining a clean house and baby is the bare minimum.

@Cuddlyrottweiler

Also. He's not working for his child. He's working for himself. I hate when people say they work for their children. As though they wouldn't need to work if they didn't have children. He still needs to pay for a roof over his own head. His own utilities and food. He's giving a small fraction of his earnings to also provide for your and your child's food and utilities. But if he didn't, the government would. If you left him, you wouldn't have to do any more , in fact, you'd have less cleaning and cooking to do. Whereas he'd have loads more to do and he'd have sole care, I'm guessing, every other weekend. And he'd still have to provide for her.

Surely you can be working for both yourself, AND your children? I know I did as a working mum. I worked extra hours, took promotions all with the intent that I’d pay their university fees so they’d start careers with zero debt, and also have money set aside to help them buy a home, and then help any grandchildren.

So I honestly would hate to be accused of only working “for myself” when working isn’t a purely selfish thing to do.

Oh yeah, I agree, humbly wipe up his piss and say thank you for the opportunity to clear up your bodily fluids my lord. In this way I pay tribute to you and your mighty penis. God bless you for housing and feeding your child and the woman who takes care of your child. You are truly a hero.

You could equally say that maintaining a clean house and baby is the bare minimum

But that’s the point isn’t it? The bare minimum minus a baby will be work and housework. A baby (in this case) and caring for it has replaced work leaving the OP with the added responsibility of housework/life admin whereas her partner has reduced his responsibility load to ‘just’ work and that gets his full focus.

If they both worked full time it wouldn’t be fair for the OP to be left with all of the housework either. Just because a monetary value isn’t generally attached to caring for a baby doesn’t mean there’s no value or that it’s low effort.

He doesn't get it.. his job is 5 days a work with evenings and weekends for himself. Your job is 24/7 on call.
I hate it when people don't appreciate how tiring it is to look after small children, maintain a house, and ALL the mental load. All whilst not sleeping properly due to baby waking. It is constant.
I only feel rested now that mine are 4 and 7.

I work full time, dh was a sahd. I still was fully hands on the minute I got home. We both did household jobs when we were both in the house.

I would not watch my dh struggle (run himself ragged) 24 hours a day 7 days a week to do everything whilst I sat on my bum. So what if I earn all the income? I was working full time for me long before I married. If I was single I would have to work full time and do everything in the house (unless I paid for a cleaner).