AIBU to call partner shit dad for not doing the careing side of parenting because he works?

[Sophie1029734]

So me and my partner are haveing a disagreement and we are comeing here for opinions. I think hes wrong and he thinks I am.
Our little girl is 18m.

AIBU for calling partner shit dad for not doing any of the careing side such as nappy changes, baths, changing clothes, feeds.. everything.
He thinks he isnt in the wrong for not doing those things because he works 5 days a week from 6.50am and comes back at 5.20pm.I'm a stay at home and dont contribute to food, house and Bill's. I do all the cleaning, near enough homemade meals all the time, baby has seperate meals, I literally do everything in the home and for LO.
I dont think this is an excuse for never doing any part of the careing side for her and never helping out with the house jobs, even through covid leave and parent leave. But he doesnt think its fair that I've called him a shit dad for providing.

I just read the other post about the pee. That is bad. I wouldnt have another child with him but i also wouldnt tell his mother. Why would op tell his mum? Thats not sensible either. I would seek counciling before giving up on the relationship.

@Lessthanaballpark

I would love to know if there’s a planet a woman would work during the day, come home to find her meals cooked, the housework done and then felt entitled to spend the evening doing no housework or childcare other than 15 mins of playing.

There must be a planet somewhere where this happens.

Because on this one, when a woman stays at home she can expect to do everything

When she goes to work the same amount of time as the man she expects to do between half and everything. But she is never expected to do less than her husband.

Oh god I want to live there. Sounds amazing.

OP, with the greatest of respect, this almost seems like waste of time.

The pissy bastard doesn't listen or care about your opinions and feeling, why would he give a fuck what we think?

I think you're wasting your time reading him the comments and trying to get him to understand.

He has told you 'your place' and has firmly stood in his.
Accept it ,or move on from him.

He won't change

Why don't you clean up your own wee @MrSophie?

That is so degrading that you dont think you need to, and your partner is your cleaner hate to think what your underwear is like

He sounds awful, selfish, sexist but most of all he’s incredibly lazy.

When I was on maternity leave my husband would get back at about 5.30 and cook us all our evening meal and if I was doing bath and bedtime he would go and clean the kitchen. If he did bath time and bedtime, usually about 3 evenings a week, I would be the one to clean the kitchen.

He would always do nappies and just basic care of the children - it wouldn’t even occur to him not to do it if a nappy needed changing.

Housework was always split fairly.

At the weekends he would take the child/children out at least one day of the weekend for about 5-6 hours just so I could have some downtime.

Once a month I would also go to a B&B for a weekend just so I could have some time out and he’d have the toddler/child with him.

I am absolutely horrified that entitled men (and all the other words I used in my first sentence) like your partner still exist.

He needs to man up and be a proper dad.

I’m sorry but having a job outside the home is no excuse to not feed/dress/change your baby’s nappy.. what an absolute shithouse. Honestly I would be fine with the cooking/cleaning but if my fiancé couldn’t change the nappy of his own child and gave me that shitty excuse, I’d be questioning what kind of man I was marrying! Pathetic

@Firsttimeasdmom..your standards are very low if you think this man is a treasure

OP, he is a dirty, sexist prick. Hth

He sounds thick as mince, frankly.

Because he works doesn’t absolve him for his parental responsibilities, he works to provide a roof over his families head while you as the mum takes care of your child when he’s at work.

When your both at home both should be taking care of child.

Send him back to the 1950’s !!!

Another one here who thinks your other half is a shit dad as well as a shit partner. I am appalled that he thinks it reasonable to clock off when he gets home from work and all weekend while you continue the 24/7 job of looking after the child YOU BOTH CREATED as well as running around doing every single thing around the house and cleaning up his dirty piss like a total skivvy.

You sound like an amazing mummy to your little girl, but it’s not on that it’s all left to you - you should be working together as a team. Never let him make you feel grateful to him for ‘providing’ - a real man steps up to the plate when he has a child and takes on an equal share of the parenting when at home.

I have a 5 month old DD and, quite frankly, I would have had a breakdown by now were it not for the incredible support I have had from my DH. During his paternity leave he did the lion’s share of the housework while I recovered from a C-section and tried to establish breastfeeding. He did nappy changes, feeds, bath time etc. from day one. He did feeds in the night using my expressed milk and later formula when breastfeeding didn’t work out. When he went back to work I took over on all night feeds (at least during the week - he would usually do one night feed or the first morning feed at weekends while she still woke up regularly) and I do the majority of the housework. However, he does all meal planning, food shopping and a good deal of the cooking (he’s so much better at it!). If I’m cooking dinner, he will bath DD, if he’s cooking, I bath her. He does an equal share of feeding and changing nappies in the evenings, and I would say he actually does more than I do for DD at weekends. This is because I am usually desperate for a break from the constant feeding-nappy changing-playing-settling cycle, plus I’m keen to catch up on all the housework I have been unable to get done during her naps in the week. He will also take her for walks at weekends. And yes, he loves playtime with her most of all but understands all the other things need doing too - it’s called ‘raising your child’?!

What does your partner actually say when you point out that he gets chill time in the evenings and during weekends while you can’t ever stop? How can he justify it?

You say he wants you to work, so presumably he would then step up and do 50% of parenting and housework? As you would also be ‘providing’ for your family just as he does? But the bottom line is you are already doing one of the hardest jobs going, with zero support, and you get zero respect for it.

Seriously consider if you still want to be in this relationship, OP. You deserve better.

DH took the view that during mat leave, I was on duty with the baby during the day, he was in the office.

When he got home, we shared the duty until it was done.

This is why he's still my DH and not 'some selfish twat I ditched for refusing to pull his weight'.

Let him tot up all the stuff he'd have to pay for if you stopped doing it/would have to bother his arse to do as well as paying you maintenance.

You're supposed to be a team, and SAHM isn't shorthand for 'servant'.

My take on this.

Dad goes out to work.
Sahm stays at home and works the same hours as dad.
Once dad is home parenting and housework become joint tasks.

Dad needs to stop playing the hard done by card and start pulling his weight. Starting with taking it turns to to get your child washed, bathed and put to bed. You do it one night whilst he does chores, he does it next night whilst you do chores

I saw a post on Tiktok that resonated with me and I think it applies here:

During the day he works, during the day you do to. If you were to pay a nanny, what would you pay her to do? Would she do everything you do?

Once his work day is over, so is yours. Everything is then split 50/50.

@catconvention

He sounds thick as mince, frankly.

Harsh. Mince deserves better - affordable, versatile, can make a lasagne, cottage pie, burgers... I mean, mince has a purpose and a place in this world.

This man? I remain to be convinced of any such thing.

@Firsttimeasdmom

I just read the other post about the pee. That is bad. I wouldnt have another child with him but i also wouldnt tell his mother. Why would op tell his mum? Thats not sensible either. I would seek counciling before giving up on the relationship.

I would seek counseling AND give up on the relationship.

Ftfy

Given the age of the child I wouldn't necessarily say he is a shit dad, but he is definitely shit husband. Also not very smart. It is just so simple.. If a wife is exhausted after doing 100% of baby care, frustrated with a complete lack of support from her husband what does he think will happen? Resentment, no intimacy of any kind, long terms issues followed by divorce

Are you quite young OP as most women would have told him to sod off. I’m guessing even before the child was born you were the housekeeper?

You need to get out and start a new life as he doesn’t respect you or your child or he would treat you as an equal and want a relationship with the child. There doesn’t sound like there is a point trying to fix this relationship as it’s broken and point scoring and getting him to see sense isn’t going to happen.

YANBU

Yes I’d expect you to do more of the childcare than him but not for him to not do anything. Most people work, they still look after their own kids. He’s hardly in a unique position. He sounds lazy. Can you go back to work?

I think 'shit dad' is a bit strong and In reverse I'd be seriously upset if husband called me a 'shit mum' for whatever reason.

But yes evenings and weekends should be split between you! There's never a day off with children and he needs to recognize that him stepping in and taking care of your LO Is not only his chance to bond but also his chance to give you a well deserved rest

So partner clocks off at 5 each evening and all day at weekends, but your shift continues 24/7. How would your partner feel about reversing roles?

I think 'shit dad' is a bit strong and In reverse I'd be seriously upset if husband called me a 'shit mum' for whatever reason.

He doesn’t even have the toileting skills of a house-trained dog, so if the shoe fits…

I’m sure you don’t piss all over the bathroom and opt out of parenting pretty much altogether, so there would be no reason for your husband to ever call you a ‘shit mum’.

If you weren't there he would need to pay a nursery/childminder/nanny for childcare while he worked. That would be their job. They would not do childcare beyond the hours paid for, and they would not do housework or household admin - those things would be his responsibility.

But you are there. His job is to do whatever he is paid to do. Your job is to do childcare (not housework or life admin) in the hours he works - just as a nanny/childminder/nursery would. For this he needs to pay you- either by split his income after bills with you or by paying you similar to a childminder (I guess most people do the former).

Outside of both of your working hours you are two people who share a home and share a child. Therefore you should split all childcare (outside of working hours), household admin and housework 50/50.

If he isn't happy with this he's looking for an unpaid servant not a partner. Is that what you want yo be?

@LimeRedBanana

I think 'shit dad' is a bit strong and In reverse I'd be seriously upset if husband called me a 'shit mum' for whatever reason.

He doesn’t even have the toileting skills of a house-trained dog, so if the shoe fits…

I’m sure you don’t piss all over the bathroom and opt out of parenting pretty much altogether, so there would be no reason for your husband to ever call you a ‘shit mum’.

I missed the bit about pissing on the floor

My husband works much longer hours and he has always helped. Friends that have 9-5 husbands pretty much seem to split the childcare 50/50.

Is your child a robot that shuts down outside of Mon-Fri 9-5?

If not he’s a shit dad.

You’re enabling him going to work by taking sole responsibility for looking after his child so he can work. But his child needs looking after when he isn’t so he needs to get his act together.