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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents don’t think I should have another baby

292 replies

Mummy940908 · 19/08/2021 12:07

My fiancé and I want to try for another baby. We have a 5year old and 2 year old twins. Only issue is my parents seem to think we shouldn’t have any more especially my dad. and they just kick off about it without anyone even mentioning it. I can’t do right for doing wrong when it comes to my parents. If it was my younger sister 16,it’s a different story and the best thing ever. Any advice on how to tell them we are pregnant when the time comes would be appreciated or what you would do in this situation as it’s really not helping my anxiety. I want to add we also DONT rely on them for childcare or financial purposes EITHER. If anything it’s my mum relying on me for babysitting my 2 youngest sisters 8,9.

OP posts:
GreenTortoise · 19/08/2021 16:48

It's not of their business and they just sound controlling.

Don't let them control you, it's weird.

Perfectly fine for them to keep having children though Confused

JudgeJ · 19/08/2021 16:49

@Cryalot2

It is non of their business as long as you don't live with them . Your life do as you please.
Take that advice but if/when your relationship implodes don't expect them to be sympathetic. It's all very well saying 'it's none of their business' etc but often they're the people who may need to pick up the pieces down the line.
GreenTortoise · 19/08/2021 16:51

@HalzTangz I've said it today and I'll have to say it again as you're all out in force.

If you do some proper research. You know by scientists not Deb from Facebook, you'll actually find out that children are not the problem.

I hope you don't have a car, turn on your electrics in your house, heat or cool your home, eat meat.

The new generation is not the problem for climate change. They will live in time with electric cars, improved houses and generally in a more eco smart world.

HalzTangz · 19/08/2021 16:54

@SudokuZebra

Erm, the queen has four children and no one is calling her environmentally irresponsible 🙄

People on Mumsnet are completely weird about having children op. They insist that any child is a disaster.

Having ten kids which all get taken into care at birth ? Irresponsible. A fourth child in a happy family unit ? Not irresponsible at all.

And I'd be very, very interested to know if the posters who are criticising the environmental aspect are vegetarian, not flying, using public transport and sourcing locally. I somehow doubt it 🙄

I can answer you, I'm vegan, have one child, cycle and walk everywhere, use buses for longer journeys. I holiday in the UK and have done since birth. My child is now 22, she also cycles and walks everywhere, is also vegan, and doesn't want to bring children into this world.
HalzTangz · 19/08/2021 17:02

[quote GreenTortoise]@HalzTangz I've said it today and I'll have to say it again as you're all out in force.

If you do some proper research. You know by scientists not Deb from Facebook, you'll actually find out that children are not the problem.

I hope you don't have a car, turn on your electrics in your house, heat or cool your home, eat meat.

The new generation is not the problem for climate change. They will live in time with electric cars, improved houses and generally in a more eco smart world.

[/quote]
Do you work in the industry that focuses on climate change.

I do.

And I have stacks and stacks of reports all written by scientists that do state children and over population is the problem.

No I don't have a car or eat meat or dairy. My house is solar powered. I holiday only in the uk

Can you say the same?

Watermelon40 · 19/08/2021 17:05

[quote GreenTortoise]@HalzTangz I've said it today and I'll have to say it again as you're all out in force.

If you do some proper research. You know by scientists not Deb from Facebook, you'll actually find out that children are not the problem.

I hope you don't have a car, turn on your electrics in your house, heat or cool your home, eat meat.

The new generation is not the problem for climate change. They will live in time with electric cars, improved houses and generally in a more eco smart world.

[/quote]
Children generally use a lot of electricity I find, especially teens…

Terhou · 19/08/2021 17:13

Have they explained why it's OK for them to have four children but not for you?

Notmoresugar · 19/08/2021 17:15

YANBU
It's absolutely nothing to do with them.
Personally, I think 3 is a super number to have, but it is your choice.
Are you parent's usually so controlling/negative?

pictish · 19/08/2021 17:15

@GiantHaystacks2021

I think 3 kids is enough personally. What will you get from a 4th kid that you can't get from the existing 3?
I agree with this. Of course it’s your decision and not your parents’ but truth be told, I’d discourage my kids from having four kids as well. We have three and while I have no regrets, it is FULL ON. I see no reason to pile on more. The expense, the exhaustion, the relentlessness…years and years of toil. Big house, big car, laundry on an industrial scale, cleaning and tidying like a full time job. They’re probably worried that you’re over-stretching yourselves and that it’ll have a detrimental effect on the marriage, the family and all the resources…which is a reasonable assumption.
DemBonesDemBones · 19/08/2021 17:20

@MojoMoon what a rude thing to say! What makes you read 'young and immature' from op's posts?

TempName01 · 19/08/2021 17:24

What does your dad say when you ask him what he means by ‘can’t afford’?

Kithic · 19/08/2021 17:27

i think if a few comments from your parents are putting you off, then you probably have an inner voice telling you you shouldnt?

QueenBee52 · 19/08/2021 17:31

Do what makes you happy 🌸

DixonD · 19/08/2021 17:32

My mum had the same issue with her parents. She just didn’t tell them; wouldn’t let them in when they knocked on the door; the first they knew about it was after the baby was born!

My grandfather used to tell me we would yell at them through the letterbox to go away.

I do have 10 siblings 🤣

DixonD · 19/08/2021 17:32

My mum and her parents have a good relationship now!

manhattenrain · 19/08/2021 17:37

It's your life not theirs, if you want another baby and are able to provide for it then you should!

Plumtree391 · 19/08/2021 17:40

Where can I go? I could pop round yours I suppose Wink.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/08/2021 18:02

[quote DemBonesDemBones]@MojoMoon what a rude thing to say! What makes you read 'young and immature' from op's posts? [/quote]
Well, it's hard to put your finger on, but I'm getting it too 🤷🏻‍♀️

cansu · 19/08/2021 18:15

It is clearly your own business but maybe they are thinking about your ability to give the children the attention they need not just now but in the future. A five year old and two year old twins would occupy anyone's full time and attention. Surely having a baby as well would make it much more challenging to give the kids the attention they need to do well. Your five year old is going to need a parent who can read with them daily and will eventually need support with homework.

It seems a bit immature to not be weighing this up. Maybe your parents think that you haven't considered this properly and maybe you don't like them pointing this out to you?

ImprobablePuffin · 19/08/2021 19:11

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@ImprobablePuffin I wasn't being judgey. Unless the OP has substantial assets in her own name, it is usually best to be married for financial security reasons where there are children involved. It would appear they are engaged, so would seem more sensible to get married before contemplating more children[/quote]
But that's not in any way what the OP is asking so I'm confused why you had to delve into her marital status 🤷‍♀️

SudokuZebra · 19/08/2021 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/08/2021 19:23

It's not immature to be in a long term relationship and decide to have a fourth child.
Well, of course it's not Hmm. Don't argue against something that hasn't actually been said, it's fairly pointless.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 19/08/2021 19:24

Your name doesn’t begin with ‘L’ does it because the ages of the children match and if that’s the case, I totally side with your parents.

Sometimes it’s not just about money. ‘L’ is a SAHM and her DP works but they are barely getting by. The house is a tip, they can’t cope, they are always fighting because they can’t cope and they often ask others to babysit. They and the children never have anything nice because they are scraping by. The house isn’t big enough for all the little kids to run around to the point the twins are overweight because they are inactive.

A 4th child and possible 5th of its another set of twins will definitely trigger social services involvement.

Enjoy the kids you have.

lynsey91 · 19/08/2021 19:24

@SudokuZebra

Erm, the queen has four children and no one is calling her environmentally irresponsible 🙄

People on Mumsnet are completely weird about having children op. They insist that any child is a disaster.

Having ten kids which all get taken into care at birth ? Irresponsible. A fourth child in a happy family unit ? Not irresponsible at all.

And I'd be very, very interested to know if the posters who are criticising the environmental aspect are vegetarian, not flying, using public transport and sourcing locally. I somehow doubt it 🙄

Me and DH are vegetarian and have been for over 30 years. I don't drive. DH has to drive for work but we try to drive as little as possible otherwise.

We have flown 8 times (4 holidays) in 40 years and only short flights.

We chose not to have children because of overpopulation. Now there is also climate change to worry about.

I really can't believe that couples are merrily have child after child without a thought about all the problems they will likely face

Cheeseplantboots · 19/08/2021 19:26

@ineedaholidaynow

Is there a reason you aren't married, but engaged, and planning to have a 4th baby?
Eh? Why have you got to be married to have kids?!