Parents don’t think I should have another baby

[Mummy940908]

My fiancé and I want to try for another baby. We have a 5year old and 2 year old twins. Only issue is my parents seem to think we shouldn’t have any more especially my dad. and they just kick off about it without anyone even mentioning it. I can’t do right for doing wrong when it comes to my parents. If it was my younger sister 16,it’s a different story and the best thing ever. Any advice on how to tell them we are pregnant when the time comes would be appreciated or what you would do in this situation as it’s really not helping my anxiety. I want to add we also DONT rely on them for childcare or financial purposes EITHER. If anything it’s my mum relying on me for babysitting my 2 youngest sisters 8,9.

My dad often says to me and my siblings he can't afford any more grand children- as they take everything he has 🤣 meaning they al go round and empty his secret chocolate stash and take over his gaming room and then never want to leave !

@GiantHaystacks2021

I think 3 kids is enough personally. What will you get from a 4th kid that you can't get from the existing 3?

This.

It's none of your parents' business of course.

They could be worrying about how you will cope with another baby. Maybe they see you as not coping as you should? Otherwise I don't see why they would be like this.

To be fair, it pretty much anyone in any circumstances asked me “I already have 3 children, should I plan another pregnancy” my opinion would be “no way are you mad”. For many reasons. But that would be my opinion, only to be given if asked (and even then would need sugar coating with most people IRL, just to be polite).

The issue here isn’t should OP have more children. It’s OP’s parents giving unasked for opinions.

Like I said before. If you act like a child, your parents will continue to parent you. If you act like an adult they can’t, they have to respond as adults.

@pleasekeeptotheright

Twins, hun and xxxx

This thread has it all

I was thinking that too. May be a coincidence though hmmm?

@Mummy940908 It's got plop-all to do with your parents, how many kids you have, (as long as you're not dumping your kids on them on a regular basis.) But it's really common for parents and grandparents etc, to have a negative opinion when you get pregnant.

I don't know why. I have heard LOADS of women say how rude and negative their mother or father or grandparents were when she told then she was pregnant.

Anyway, as a few posters have said, it sounds like there are quite a few issues at play here, especially the way you go on about your sister being the 'favourite' and saying she is the 'best thing ever,' and can do no wrong and so on...

Sounds like your parents are never going to change. You need to just accept it sadly, tell them your life is none of their business, and just get on with your life.

and they just kick off about it without anyone even mentioning it. I can’t do right for doing wrong when it comes to my parents.

Don't tell them your TTC - refused to be drawn on any future plans what so ever - if you do have another pg tell them as late as practically possible in pg - tell them by phone with your DP there - easier to escape if they say anything negative and gives them a chance to get themsleves together before seeing you in person.

Have stock answers ready -broken record - and to change subject when it's mentioned - though I get how it can wind you up been there.

Put some distance in - physical if possible but emotional at least so they know less about your life so they feel they have the right to comment less.

I would suggest lots of thought though - I found as the kids got older the broodiness got less and less and was gone by time youngest was 7 and the amount of time and running round they needed and how much they cost got more in many ways.

I REALLY love "plop-all"

@Mummy940908 Like many other poster though, I have to say that I do wonder WHY you want/need a fourth child?

Doesn't sound like you should to be quite honest. Sounds like you're not in the right place.

@godmum56

I REALLY love "plop-all"

I’m just here to know why these people would think their 16 year old daughter having a baby would be ‘the best thing ever’. 😂

What's your financial situation? Maybe he means 'I can't afford it' with I being you.

Do you work? Could you cope if you became a single mum?

Did you have difficult pregnancies or labours? Maybe your mum is worried about how you'd cope health wise?

I had a very quick labour with DS2 and my mum had to help me deliver him, I think she found it quite traumatic as she couldn't stop thinking about what could have gone wrong. I know if I had another baby she would worry about me giving birth and she has made jokey comments that I shouldn't risk any more babies incase they came even quicker.

Your parents might be not be telling you what they're really concerned about... or they might just be being dicks...

OP, I'm assuming this is serious.

I'm also 27 and have 3 children. I sometimes think about having another baby one day and I also get similar anxiety as my mum knows that I was happy with 2 and my third baby was quite a shock!

That said I constantly remind myself that I cannot live my life by what others think, even parents. Parents do have the uncanny ability to make us feel not only judged for our decisions but also make us feel like we must take their opinions into account. And my parents aren't even coercive, it's just the small things like eye rolling when I coo at baby clothes, stuff like that!

At the end of the day you are a grown woman, a mother of 3, and you are able to take this decision into your own hands. My strategy for dealing with this is to make it clear that it is on the table for me. If your parents are decent then they should respect that and change tact. If they don't, that is your opportunity to challenge their attitude directly and assert yourself.

And then after that... is inconsequential. If they are the type of people who would emotionally berate and manipulate you over your decision to maybe have another baby, are they really people you want to be in close contact with?

"If anything it’s my mum relying on me for babysitting my 2 youngest sisters 8,9."

Ah, there you go then. That's the real reason they're kicking off. If you have another kid, then poof goes their free childcare!

They'll be inconvenienced and will have to find alternative child care!

I think your parents are quite right.

27 and with your own house? Honestly your top post comes across like a little girl living at home, worried what mum thinks.

You're a grown adult. Speak to them less and see them less; they're eroding your self-esteem and infantalising you.

Look around for some strong, adult women who are in control and mentally adopt them a bit as role models. You wouldn't see them cowering on a sofa mumbling that their little sister gets all the attention. You're too old for this nonsense.

Stop discussing it with them. If they mention it, laugh it off.
It's easy.

@godmum56

I REALLY love "plop-all"

Me too!

Are you financially dependent on your partner? Could it be your DF is worried about you ending up a single mum down the line and doesn’t think it’s a great idea for you to have a fourth child for this reason?

My in laws didn’t think we should have had our last child. We went minimal contact after that, and they always treated our last child differently. You

I appreciate it is none of our business but the OP has not given information about their circumstances eg is the house big enough, do they work etc. I'm saying that as if my DD was planning her 4 or more child and was living in precarious circumstances I may voice concerns.

However, at face value with the information you've given YANBU but it is probably nothing you should be discussing with them either then.

This can’t be real. Your twins must be dreamboats as the thought of more kids after having mine gives me the absolute horrors 🤣

I’m pulled in so many directions with 3 kids id honestly stick at 3 and give attention to your existing kids

This makes no sense. Their are obviously reasons they are not happy with your plans and your updates are just confusing. Why would your dad say he cant afford it if you are saying he doesnt contribute anything. Most people cant afford 4 DC. Are you and your fiance financially stable? I am going to assume you dont work if you have 3 DC and and two under 2 and offering childcare to two younger siblings. Did you give up a career to have DC. Your not married either so are they worried about what that means for you too never mind the DC.

You aren't being U to want another baby. If that's what you want. Jamie Oliver's wife is trying for her sixth. BUT aren't there enough people in the world already?

To give them the benefit of the doubt - are you sure they’re not not reading the room, making a bad joke/ being light hearted?

I have a similar combo of kids - twins less than 2 years after the oldest. The number of people who have said “so you’re done now right” or “maybe the next one will be a boy” - well I’d be rich by now if I got a dollar every time. Everyone has an opinion on how many kids you should have. And that includes family.

FIL response to the news we were having twins was to talk about vasectomies.

Also it isn’t a new thing. When I, a 3rd child, was born my mothers family sent a video (as in a VHS in the mail) of them all congratulating my parents. My grandfather said “that’s quite enough grand children for now thank you”

Have you shut them down on it properly? Perhaps they don’t realise how seriously you are taking them?

Also as an aside, are your twins fraternal and will you be ok with another set of twins or more? The odds of you having more multiples after the first set (if drag) are quite high.