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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents don’t think I should have another baby

292 replies

Mummy940908 · 19/08/2021 12:07

My fiancé and I want to try for another baby. We have a 5year old and 2 year old twins. Only issue is my parents seem to think we shouldn’t have any more especially my dad. and they just kick off about it without anyone even mentioning it. I can’t do right for doing wrong when it comes to my parents. If it was my younger sister 16,it’s a different story and the best thing ever. Any advice on how to tell them we are pregnant when the time comes would be appreciated or what you would do in this situation as it’s really not helping my anxiety. I want to add we also DONT rely on them for childcare or financial purposes EITHER. If anything it’s my mum relying on me for babysitting my 2 youngest sisters 8,9.

OP posts:
Jubilate · 19/08/2021 12:24

Maybe the money comment is a red herring. Is it possible he is avoiding telling you the real reason he doesn't think another child is advisable? Do you have a good quality of life with the children you have? Reasonable amount of money, free of mental/physical health problems?

LemonViolet · 19/08/2021 12:25

I was thinking that they are entitled to their opinion (although not to harrass you with it unasked for) but then saw they have 4 children too!!!! So they can hardly sit on any high horse about the ethics of having a large family.

Unless you have a massive drip feed that you struggle to manage your existing children for whatever reason - practical, high needs, health issues financial, you all share a one bed flat and neither of you work etc - and they’re worried about your welfare & the welfare of their existing grandchildren if you add to your family, then I’m guessing this isn’t about the actual issue of family size, this is about your relationship with them still being a parent/child relationship rather than an adult/adult relationship. It’s a difficult transition. But you’re a 27 year old mother of three now, and yes you’ll always be their daughter, but you’re not a child.

My advice would be to respond to them in exactly the same way you would respond to any other adult in your life that spoke to you or treated you like that. Which would probably be to tell them to wind their neck in from being so nosey and rude, and decline to interact with them much whilst they persist in that behaviour. You have to behave like an adult, and it means they have to as well.

Itonlymakesyoustronger · 19/08/2021 12:25

Ultimately its both yours and your DP decision. Yes they may have na opinion but in no way does it mean you have to obide to their rules or opinions.

On the other hand, 3 is quite plenty, and what if you have twins again or more?

Are you financially stable? I can assume you are and if so then ignore them and do what you need to to be happy not to make others happy.

Original poster
Mummy940908 · 19/08/2021 12:25

@ChildrenGrowingUpTooFast

You sounded immature because you are asking for the approval of your parents to have children. It is you and your partner’s decision only. By the way you described the situation, it sounded like you rely on them on either money or childcare.
You clearly never read the post as I stated I don’t rely on them
OP posts:
honeylulu · 19/08/2021 12:25

Sorry loads of typos in my post!

Original poster
Mummy940908 · 19/08/2021 12:27

No he’s 100% committed and even goes out his way to help my mum with her company free of charge etc

OP posts:
Paint69 · 19/08/2021 12:27

It's none of their business.

Viviennemary · 19/08/2021 12:29

Your parents are right and you should be grateful for their sensible advice. You have more than enough on your plate already.

randomlyLostInWales · 19/08/2021 12:30

Every single pg someone in my family been vocally unhappy about it - usually for reasons that had nothing to do with us and they have all in the end come round.

I would think about how secure your own position is -how much extra pressue another child will add with money and time and energy- as your family clearly isn't going to be a support but otherwise it's your life and your parents don't really get a say in what you do with it.

thelegohooverer · 19/08/2021 12:31

How many dc do your dps have? I think a lot of parents unconsciously feel that they have a sort of “do-over” opportunity with their dc. Sometimes it takes the form of making sure a child has opportunities they didn’t have, eg a university education, but sometimes you see parents pushing a particular career on a child that they wanted for themselves.

I wonder if your df feels that his own family is too large and is trying to regain control subsconsciously by limiting yours?

Or perhaps he feels that responsibility will fall on him if anything happens to you?

I think the only thing you can really do in these family dynamics is establish your own boundaries for yourself. Decide what’s right for you and accept that they have the right to react but that you have a choice in how you react (you could choose to walk away, to nod and smile, to argue, etc). You can also choose to be upset, or to place a high value on his approval. But once you understand that it’s all choices, and the power to choose is yours, it is life changing. You can’t control other people, but equally they have as little power to control you.

Candydreamer · 19/08/2021 12:32

@Viviennemary

Your parents are right and you should be grateful for their sensible advice. You have more than enough on your plate already.
HA when her parents have by the sounds of it at least 4 children themselves...bit rich ain't it!?

OP do what you want, you don't live with them, don't rely on them for childcare and don't rely on them financially. AKA none of their business.

Notthemessiah · 19/08/2021 12:34

Maybe they are just concerned that you are taking on more than they think you can handle and that, should things go wrong down the line (as they sometimes do) they worry about having to pick up the pieces, or at least be expected to help financially.

You may say you don't rely on them now, but you never know what the future holds.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/08/2021 12:34

How about: well it's my uterus - what makes you think you have a say in what I do with it?

Or: whether or not I have any more dc is up to dh and me. You dont get a say in the matter.

Beefcurtains79 · 19/08/2021 12:35

Do they think you aren’t good parents and don’t want to say it so are making up other reasons? Do you both have jobs?

SofaSpuds · 19/08/2021 12:35

What a bizarre reaction when you don't rely on them for financial support Confused
Just say, it's our decision as a family - not yours!

TooMuchPaper · 19/08/2021 12:38

Don't share that you are planning another baby.

NinaBallerinaShoes · 19/08/2021 12:40

Loving this thread. It’s the gift huns.

Pancakeorcrepe · 19/08/2021 12:40

It’s none of their business!
However, life with three children, especially toddler twins, sounds very busy. Do you want another baby, or another child? Children’s needs change over time and life can become more demanding when they need help at school, activities, ferrying around etc. Teenagers are very expensive. Have a think about all this and decide if you still fancy one.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/08/2021 12:41

@ImprobablePuffin I wasn't being judgey. Unless the OP has substantial assets in her own name, it is usually best to be married for financial security reasons where there are children involved. It would appear they are engaged, so would seem more sensible to get married before contemplating more children

TheWayTheLightFalls · 19/08/2021 12:43

Unless you have a massive drip feed that you struggle to manage your existing children for whatever reason - practical, high needs, health issues financial, you all share a one bed flat and neither of you work etc - and they’re worried about your welfare & the welfare of their existing grandchildren if you add to your family, then I’m guessing this isn’t about the actual issue of family size

This, but your replies make me wonder OP, to be honest.

MNmonster · 19/08/2021 12:45

You might not rely on them, but what do your parents rely on you for? So far, I've read free childcare and help with your mum's business. Do they ask you for money or anything else?

UserStillatLarge · 19/08/2021 12:46

@Puzzledandpissedoff

ImprobablePuffin there's nothing "judgey" about wondering if it's wise to have DCs with someone you're not married to - not for moralistic reasons, but simply because because women can be in a very vulnerable position if they're a SAHMs and are then left on their own

TBF married mums can be left on their own too, but at least they've then got some rights of their own

And having 4 children rather than 3 will put you in an even more precarious position. Of course you might have independent savings and a well paid job of your own. But if you don't ... and are reliant on your partner ...
TheGumption · 19/08/2021 12:47

Just here for the deletion message

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/08/2021 12:48

I think 27 is pretty young to have 3 children already and if I had been in your position, talking about having another, my parents would raise concerns too.

You can do as you like, obviously. You don't have to listen to your parents at 27 if you are financially independent, can give the kids you have and any future ones a good quality of life both now and if your relationship were to end and if you are fit and well physically and emotionally.

pinkcircustop · 19/08/2021 12:50

Do you have financial independence of your own? Not related to your partner? Because you are in a precarious position if not as you’re not married.

I agree with pp, you do come across as young and immature so they’re probably picking up on that.