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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated that DH has to go back into the office

298 replies

ruraldream2021 · 18/08/2021 17:08

DH and I had it all planned. We were going to sell our home in the over-crowded, over-priced south east and move to a rural idyll many miles away, improving our quality of life and reducing our mortgage to nearly nothing.

DH works in a job in London and has been WFH throughout the pandemic, a situation we were given every reason to believe would continue.

We’ve had estate agents round to value our house and were literally about to put it on the market when DH gets an email from work saying that WFH is not panning out as hoped for them and he will be required back in the office four days a week, every week.

This has left our dreams in tatters as it means we will now have to remain close to London, because (understandably) DH does not want a very long commute.

DH works really hard at home and if anything he does longer hours, as he doesn’t need to commute.

I feel like our dreams have just gone up in a puff of smoke and am so devastated at the thought of staying put.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NeverRTFT · 18/08/2021 17:10

Of course it's not unreasonable for you to feel disappointed.However, his work does have the right to require him back, so it sounds like you have to get your heads around it or he will have to think about changing his job. The pandemic has made lots of people reassess their priorities and what a good life looks like for them. You're not alone

harridan50 · 18/08/2021 17:11

Well he could apply for wfh jobs and then you could move as you wish

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/08/2021 17:13

They could have reverted at any point, better now than before the move.

I think a lot of employers will start to call staff back in.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2021 17:13

That's a horrible disappointment, op. I'm sorry. All you can do is be grateful for the bright side. Your husband has an excellent job, you have a lovely home, and you're all healthy. I know that's not what you want to hear right now, so allow yourself to wallow a bit. I've had a very similar disappointment years ago so I understand.

nanbread · 18/08/2021 17:13

I get that you're disappointed but if it's that important to you can't he look for a job where he CAN work from home? The job market is booming in a lot of industries.

QueenBee52 · 18/08/2021 17:13

Sorry to read this...

How is DH taking this news.. ?

on the plus side, you haven't sold up and moved yet... imagine you had, then received this news.. 🌸

Twatterati · 18/08/2021 17:14

No, you're not unreasonable at all to feel like this, it's a massive knock back.

However, if you do both really want a lifestyle change it is still possible if your DH could get another job? Is that a possibility? You could take a leap of faith and still put the house on the market and decide where you'd like to move whilst he looks for work in the same field that allows WFH (or a similar field, or totally different! He's probably got heaps of transferable skills and some areas do have a buoyant job market).

In the meantime though, take time to process the loss of what you had both been hoping for and try to find a different way of making it happen. Best of luck with it all.

Thingsthatgo · 18/08/2021 17:15

I guess it’s lucky that you found out now, rather than later when you’d paid out any moving related fees.

Hekatestorch · 18/08/2021 17:15

Yanbu to disappointed.

However, starting the planning unless he had a contract change was a bit premature.

Can he look for an equivalent role, with another company that are wfh or will accept less days in the office?

Beamur · 18/08/2021 17:16

Disappointing for you but not really surprising surely?
Lots of employers prefer their staff to be present at least some of the time.
Is changing jobs an option?

YellowDingy2 · 18/08/2021 17:16

I think YABU for expecting him to never go back into the office. I imagine companies have leases on these offices which means they're stuck paying rent for 5/10 years or whatever it is so can't just get rid. Of course they'll be asking people back when the government allows.

It wasn't very wise to get your hopes up about something that wasn't at all certain. But of course I can understand why you're disappointed.

Can your DH look for another job? Or ask his current place about WFH?

RobinPenguins · 18/08/2021 17:17

Presumably he can apply for jobs closer to the areas you’d like to live, or for jobs that work remotely? Otherwise it sounds rather like you were hoping to have all the upsides of a London career without any of the trade offs required to have those benefits. I can understand feeling disappointed but it’s not like your whole lives have been ruined, it’s a temporary setback.

Persipan · 18/08/2021 17:17

I can absolutely understand why this is a disappointment but I do think that a lot of people who've made these kinds of moves - particularly those relying on a London salary - may be in for a nasty surprise in the next couple of years as companies start deciding to require people back in the office. Better to know now than to have it happen later. And, if you're now due this is what you want to do, you have the opportunity to explore other work opportunities to see what options he'd have in the area you're looking at

nanbread · 18/08/2021 17:18

@Persipan

I can absolutely understand why this is a disappointment but I do think that a lot of people who've made these kinds of moves - particularly those relying on a London salary - may be in for a nasty surprise in the next couple of years as companies start deciding to require people back in the office. Better to know now than to have it happen later. And, if you're now due this is what you want to do, you have the opportunity to explore other work opportunities to see what options he'd have in the area you're looking at
Yes I also think this is a really good point.
FrankButchersDickieBow · 18/08/2021 17:19

It does sound disappointing, but you say you had reason to believe wfh would be permanent.

Was this in writing? Did dh apply to wfh on a permanent basis?

If you done planned all this on assumption, or the word of one person, rather than officially coming from the organisation, then it may be that you jumped the gun a bit.

We were told all kinds about how great wfh is. How we could continue and just come into the office on a rota basis etc.

But it was all bollocks. I was waiting to hear something concrete from our national office before thinking it would be something concrete.

lap90 · 18/08/2021 17:19

Take heart that you at least didn't sell your home like some other folks did and have now been told to get back to the office.

Perhaps your husband can consider finding another wfh role? Although as you now know, employers can go back on this and tell staff to get back into the office should they so wish.

Howshouldibehave · 18/08/2021 17:22

I’m surprised that people thought that a temporary working situation due to a pandemic would become permanent. I get you’re disappointed, but I never thought all this WFH would last. On the bright side, at least you haven’t sold your house already. Can either of you look at moving roles to a working from home one?

SilverTimpani · 18/08/2021 17:27

I’m so sorry, that’s a horrible disappointment.

FWIW I think companies are going to wise up pretty soon to the fact that if they’re inflexible about home working, they’re going to lose their best and brightest to competitors who chose to be more flexible. That means things may change at your husband’s workplace before too long, or alternatively that if he looks around for a different job he may well find something that enables you to proceed with your plan.

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 17:28

It was always a risk. Better to find out now. Can he find another job?

SilverTimpani · 18/08/2021 17:29

@Howshouldibehave

I’m surprised that people thought that a temporary working situation due to a pandemic would become permanent. I get you’re disappointed, but I never thought all this WFH would last. On the bright side, at least you haven’t sold your house already. Can either of you look at moving roles to a working from home one?
To be fair, my firm have made it permanent. The option of going in to the office is there, but we’re being encouraged to work from home as desired and to take a flexible approach.

Also, OP’s husband was told WFH would continue. He doesn’t seem to have just assumed it from nowhere.

WTFisNext · 18/08/2021 17:35

I agree it's disappointing to have the goalposts moved by your husband's employer but this is a reality outside of pandemics that happens all the time.

At a high level a company will always act in what they perceive to be the best interests of the business, it's generally only at a more local/immediate managerial level that how employees are motivated and what their needs are is paid attention to. Sadly these aren't the people who can affect T&Cs as a rule of thumb

My company is selling real estate because they've realised the service levels aren't too badly affected by WFH vs the cost of maintaining office space.

Even though they've done this I've kept my working arrangements around the children and our location based on the fact that they can recall me to the office whenever they want because my contract hasn't been changed.

This is the bit that everyone who's jumping on the 'let's live in the country/by the seaside' bandwagon are blissfully ignoring. If your contract hasn't been updated to confirm home working then you are bound by the terms to attend the office as required. Anyone making life changing decisions without that consideration is setting themselves up for hunting for a new job in an area that doesn't traditionally support high enough wages hence the cheaper property or massive costs trying to relocate back to within commuter distance of the office.

You do have my sympathy because it's not great having the goalposts move when you have plans...but at least like others are saying it hasn't cost you money. You just need to reframe how you pursue your dream.

RobinPenguins · 18/08/2021 17:35

To be fair, my firm have made it permanent. The option of going in to the office is there, but we’re being encouraged to work from home as desired and to take a flexible approach.

Presumably they’ve changed your contracts then? We’re still wfh and likely to remain on a flexible basis permanently once we go back but they’ve been clear that our contracts haven’t changed and still state the office is our main work base.

If OP’s DH didn’t have a change of contract then this was premature.

FieldOverFence · 18/08/2021 17:35

A lot of industries are moving to permanent WFH options, can you DH look for a new job ? Sounds like this has given you real clarity on what you want going forward, so seize the day!

TheGumption · 18/08/2021 17:38

Imagine if you'd already sold your house though!! Better to find out now.

Winter2020 · 18/08/2021 17:38

If your move would reduce your mortgage to almost nothing perhaps your husband can afford to be more flexible when job hunting. Do you work from home OP? If you do perhaps you can afford to move to the new area and your partner look for work when you are there.

Work out a budget and see how much less you need to earn between you with a small mortgage and no/small commuting costs.