To be devastated that DH has to go back into the office

[ruraldream2021]

DH and I had it all planned. We were going to sell our home in the over-crowded, over-priced south east and move to a rural idyll many miles away, improving our quality of life and reducing our mortgage to nearly nothing.

DH works in a job in London and has been WFH throughout the pandemic, a situation we were given every reason to believe would continue.

We’ve had estate agents round to value our house and were literally about to put it on the market when DH gets an email from work saying that WFH is not panning out as hoped for them and he will be required back in the office four days a week, every week.

This has left our dreams in tatters as it means we will now have to remain close to London, because (understandably) DH does not want a very long commute.

DH works really hard at home and if anything he does longer hours, as he doesn’t need to commute.

I feel like our dreams have just gone up in a puff of smoke and am so devastated at the thought of staying put.

AIBU?

We had someone who did this. Moved 200 miles away.
Even required in 2 days a week did not work. The commute time and cost.

He moved back.

Devastated? Yabu
Hugely disappointed but relieved the news came before you actually moved? Yanbu

"a situation we were given every reason to believe would continue..."
Did your husband expect to move and keep his London salary without an agreement in place?

How is it you planned based on this when it wasn't in his contract or confirmed in writing.

Seems you both didn't think it through and there's no one else to blame.

It would be understandable to be disappointed because you were let down, but the offer was never on the table. It was a choice you both made with no basis.
Maybe he could negotiate but he'll probably need to be at the office at from time to time, even with a wfh contract.

100% WFH needs thought. It may suit some employees but not everyone. Some examples.

Our solicitor has been essentially self employed and wfh for a while. Before lockdown he rented space in someone else’s office. Lockdown was difficult and less productive especially when children were at home. There were always distractions like loading the washing machine or the children begging for a lift somewhere. (Outside London, so little public transport.) When things settle down he will rent again as he wants a separation between home and work.

A computer game designer we know is also dying to get back into the office at least part of the time. Zoom meetings within a creative team are more tiring and less productive than f2f. His firm already hire temporary and contract staff to work remotely from a hub in Hungary and employment laws are more “flexible” allowing the firm to respond quickly to ebbs and flows in workload, whilst management and senior designers are in London and New York. If it were 100% wfh, he would probably be hired out of Hungary on a much lower salary.

The finance director of a FTSE 250 firm finds managing 100% wfh’ers difficult. During lockdown she had a member of staff start, then leave, without her ever having met them. She always did some work at home, especially in the run up to a merger, but will want to be back in the office with her staff at least part of the time.

DH is enjoying wfh, and does not miss the commute. DC have left home and we recently inherited a flat by the coast, so we are seriously privileged, and he is as, if not more, productive. However he too is looking forward to going back at least part of the time. (Apparently 2/3 days a week from October.) A new colleague joined the team just before lockdown, so with a chance to meet others. When lockdown happened she had already identified DH as a potential mentor, someone she could call and ask the ‘dumb’ questions new people need to ask. People joining since will not have the same opportunity. When smaller numbers were allowed back into the office it was noticeable that younger staff applied and were prioritised.

People have always left London in search of a better work life balance, accepting lower wages in return for lower house prices and a different commute. What OP wants is the different lifestyle but with the London salary. It may happen now for a lucky few who are established in their careers, but for various reasons it is unlikely to be sustainable. In the longer term employers won’t pay London salaries if they don’t have to, and for management reason are likely to want teams to interact f2f at least part of the week.

Apparently the new term for hybrid, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday work in the office is TW*T.

What OP wants is the different lifestyle but with the London salary.

I think this is the crux of it! It’s not even what OP wants for her, as we don’t know that she works? It’s what she wants for her husband.

You set yourselves up for this disappointment. Your plans were unrealistic pending his employer’s firm decisions on terms and conditions post covid.

I have said YANBU as you cannot help feeling upset for reasons you quote. However, I think (you maybe) YABU to think it will change what work wants.

Do the job he was employed to do in the manner he was employed to do it or change jobs to one that suits your goals, don’t rely on others to achieve your dreams for you

Can’t expect a London salary living in the north though! House prices here have absolutely rocketed due to this mass exodus and now many families can’t afford homes/upgrades here.

I saw in an Irish newspaper today that new remote working legislation is being drawn up in Ireland to make it a right to request home working and that bosses have to give a very good reason to refuse working from home requests.
I wonder if the UK will follow...

@BunnyBerries yep I'm in Ireland and my workplace are going hybrid 🙌

But, a lot of things are different here though. For example zero hour contracts are not the same here either. There's loads of rules around them which basically means they have to pay you for a minimum amount of hours etc.

We changed jobs/ contacts to remote working contracts so we can live more flexibly and in a way that suits our family. There are companies that are forward thinking and progressing and those that aren’t. I know it’s not easy for everyone to do but perhaps think of applying to a company that will support your life and aspirations rather than you live to support their business. We have to change this as a society. Good luck.

I have been WFH since lockdown began. Then we were asked/told to come in to the office at least 2x a week starting in September. Weirdly though we've now been told it's entirely optional and we can continue to WFH. Hopefully this will happen for your DH too...

Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t understand why anyone would object to going in twice per week, it’s one heck of an improvement on 5 days per week!

It's because they may have moved to the other side of the country.

@ByTheSea

I have been WFH since lockdown began. Then we were asked/told to come in to the office at least 2x a week starting in September. Weirdly though we've now been told it's entirely optional and we can continue to WFH. Hopefully this will happen for your DH too...

"Told" you can continue to WFH?

Or given it in writing that your contract now allows you to WFH indefinitely?

Because only the latter is of any value.

How do I get one of these 'London jobs' when I live in Cornwall? It would be really helpful as after saving forever and doing really well with our last property, we now can't find anything to move to as we've been priced out of our home town by people from the South east.

@IcedPurple I don't think it'll be indefinite and I do think it was more about requiring US employees to be vaccinated before returning to their offices and the company trying to maintain a global policy.

@Coffeepot72

Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t understand why anyone would object to going in twice per week, it’s one heck of an improvement on 5 days per week!

People have got too comfortable 100% WFH I guess.

You can still move?

Or were you trying to pull off the "london salary, rural mortgage" hack? Because I know a few people who have tried that and rarely managed it, most have moved to roles nearer home within a year or two.

Coffee pot

I know. I'm thrilled DH now gets a day or two a week at home. Also I think it's actually likely to last, I'd be slightly wary that companies that go full hog 100% wfh will backlash rapidly in a year or two and go back to 5/5.

OP can your DH ask for something you can make work as a family? Maybe a 2 days in 3 from home pattern? That works especially well if you have a london friend whom he could pay a little to have a spare room a night a week. Sometimes if you are valued and hard working they will give you what you want.

It's fair enough to be disappointed. But we all have daydreams and unfortunately, reality gets in the way of most of them. The pandemic has certainly shifted many things, for both employers and employees, but it's unreasonable to think that the way it all HAD to work through the past 18 months is optimal or permanent.

Time will tell on whether changes remain and will differ accordingly to company policy, benefits etc.

I've always had a hybrid situation partly out visiting clients, partly wfh but only because it's a public sector role and the local authority can't afford to keep us all in offices and with a desk but locally, in my more rural area, for the first time, there are moves by private landlords and local charities to create office space that can be hired by individuals as shared workspace.

This will change the nature of commuting where I live. We can walk into the centre in 15 mins max from anywhere in the town (cycle safely even quicker). Great for the environment.
It gives more people the opportunity to live rurally rather than in big city's.