150k in undisclosed savings

[NCsecret]

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this.

We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic.

DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that.

However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions)

How do I start this convo?

I’d keep some in secret and put a bit into the pot .

@BluebellsGreenbells

I will add to that as well, what are you both like with money? Are you both savers or is she a spender? That can cause problems.

DH is due a large inheritance we’ve been married 20 years however I would see that money as his to spend or save as he pleases. Rather than half mine. I think that makes a difference.

I think the opposite. Married 35 years and inherited 300K, thanks to DH's advice I have boosted my pension (towards family expenses), given DS cash toward a flat and increased the remaining capital via good investment, it's all family money to me. When we were struggling 20 years ago his inheritance saved our family bacon. It would be churlish to consider my inheritance all mine.

I think it comes down to your relative attitudes to money. If you can agree on a savings / investment approach then that's good. If your partner wil immediately start to think what to spend it on, then there is a problem.

@Mermaid67

Pretty sexist statement. I came across this site as I am worried about my toddlers development. Dads care too.

Also I bring some red pill truth to certain discussions.

It staggers me how entitled some people are to someone else’s products of their labour. Especially when earnt before the marriage.

I had arguments with my wife about money before we got married as she wanted me to have my salary paid in to our joint account. I didn’t want to.
Anyway I relented somewhat. I pay between 70-90% of my take home in to our joint account . Depending what expenses I incur. You can’t really have a marriage and hide the money but you also need to critically assess the character of the person you’re marrying to protect yourself. I knew the character of my wife and she got with me when I was broke and married me when I was only just on £43k. So if she was gold digging she was digging in the wrong spot. I knew we would have to build together as I inherited nothing and had no wealth.

Your circumstance OP is different as you have more to lose. Hiding it isn’t an option but putting your foot down on the use of the funds is going to be a necessary discussion if you think she will become a bridezilla or start buying fendi everything.

Now I am earning more Ive had to do the same with my wife. Saying no, we’re not buying an Audi Q5. Because frankly My job is long hours and and at 35 I can’t imaging working another 35 years in it. So I need to be smart to retire early. This is the first potential argument you will have about money. It won’t be the last.

[quote 31flavours]@Mermaid67

Pretty sexist statement. I came across this site as I am worried about my toddlers development. Dads care too.

Also I bring some red pill truth to certain discussions.

It staggers me how entitled some people are to someone else’s products of their labour. Especially when earnt before the marriage.

I had arguments with my wife about money before we got married as she wanted me to have my salary paid in to our joint account. I didn’t want to.
Anyway I relented somewhat. I pay between 70-90% of my take home in to our joint account . Depending what expenses I incur. You can’t really have a marriage and hide the money but you also need to critically assess the character of the person you’re marrying to protect yourself. I knew the character of my wife and she got with me when I was broke and married me when I was only just on £43k. So if she was gold digging she was digging in the wrong spot. I knew we would have to build together as I inherited nothing and had no wealth.

Your circumstance OP is different as you have more to lose. Hiding it isn’t an option but putting your foot down on the use of the funds is going to be a necessary discussion if you think she will become a bridezilla or start buying fendi everything.

Now I am earning more Ive had to do the same with my wife. Saying no, we’re not buying an Audi Q5. Because frankly My job is long hours and and at 35 I can’t imaging working another 35 years in it. So I need to be smart to retire early. This is the first potential argument you will have about money. It won’t be the last.[/quote]
Sorry didn’t mean to offend, certainly not sexist! Just assumed mumsnet was just for mums!

If you're ever single.. Hit me up 🤣🤣
Seriously though, just bring it up casually if you feel like you should. You don't have to disclose a figure, just that you have savings. You're adults, discuss it as such x

Why not pay off your mortgage if you have so much in savings

[quote 31flavours]@Mermaid67

Pretty sexist statement. I came across this site as I am worried about my toddlers development. Dads care too.

Also I bring some red pill truth to certain discussions.

It staggers me how entitled some people are to someone else’s products of their labour. Especially when earnt before the marriage.

I had arguments with my wife about money before we got married as she wanted me to have my salary paid in to our joint account. I didn’t want to.
Anyway I relented somewhat. I pay between 70-90% of my take home in to our joint account . Depending what expenses I incur. You can’t really have a marriage and hide the money but you also need to critically assess the character of the person you’re marrying to protect yourself. I knew the character of my wife and she got with me when I was broke and married me when I was only just on £43k. So if she was gold digging she was digging in the wrong spot. I knew we would have to build together as I inherited nothing and had no wealth.

Your circumstance OP is different as you have more to lose. Hiding it isn’t an option but putting your foot down on the use of the funds is going to be a necessary discussion if you think she will become a bridezilla or start buying fendi everything.

Now I am earning more Ive had to do the same with my wife. Saying no, we’re not buying an Audi Q5. Because frankly My job is long hours and and at 35 I can’t imaging working another 35 years in it. So I need to be smart to retire early. This is the first potential argument you will have about money. It won’t be the last.[/quote]
You say your wife isn’t a ‘gold digger’ but you’ve had arguments about money. She wants an Audi but you want to retire early.
Doesn’t sound consistent at all to me.
Also sounds like you’re telling her what to do.
Looks like you’re arguing because you’re not on the same page about money. Not sure how long you’ll last without the same goals

Not telling him might turn out to be the best thing - why does he need to know - ALL women should have their own money and answer to nobody about it imo

@TractorAndHeadphones FWIW I agree with you. Especially on this part

It staggers me how entitled some people are to someone else’s products of their labour. Especially when earnt before the marriage

But brace yerself re the Q5 convo and ‘telling’ your wife no. Apparently in the world of Mnet that’s tantamount to financial abuse.
You should work until you die, but you cannot possibly say to someone ‘no you cannot spend 80k on a car.’

That’s financially controlling (apparently). I mean I call it financial planning. Tomatoes, tomatoes.

@gunnersgold

Are you both female? Or are you a man?

Does it matter?

The OP and partner have been together for 3 years already. I don't understand why some people think that's not long enough to get married. Would you think differently if the OP didn't have any savings? I truly believe that financial matters should be out in the open. Money is one of the biggest reasons for relationship breakdown. OP, are you expecting that when you get married you will add your partner to your house deeds and also have a joint account with her? When I met my husband, we both had our own flats. I had almost paid off my mortgage, he'd been in his flat for two years so had a big mortgage. He sold his, moved into mine and I put his name on the deeds so it was joint ownership. The huge amount of equity I had in my flat (I still think of it as mine by accident even though we both lived there for nearly ten years!), allowed us to buy a house together. I know exactly how much he has in his accounts and he knows how much I have in mine. We don't have joint accounts - just lazily never got round to it. My career and earnings over the past few years have been erratic, sometimes no work as a freelancer (especially during the pandemic), while he has been working consistently.

I guess you could have a pre-nup of sorts to protect what you have built up yourself - a friend of mine did that, the relationship is still going strong. What is your partner bringing to the financial table? Is that an issue? Will your reveal of your savings cause her to feel an inadequacies or change the relationship in any way?

Whatever you do, try not to keep things in the dark. I was upfront with my husband because my father had had huge debts which he hid from the family and not only can it be devastating, it can also impact hugely on mental health.

@MojoMoon

"now we are engaged, I want to discuss finances and our future plans."

Topics for discussion

1. current debts and savings
2. future life plans eg having kids/caring for parents/travelling the world/studying for another qualification/moving house. How would you pay for these?
3. retirement planning - what are both of you doing currently for pensions? When do you expect to retire? How will you fund retirment? How much will you need to have saved to fund it realistically?
4. life insurance/critical illness coverage - how would you manage if one of you died or was very ill? Do you have any coverage?
5. making wills - have you done it? What would you want to be in them - leaving everything to each other or would you want something to go to siblings/parents/friends etc

I'd say savings were one element of a much bigger conversation or series of conversations that you need to have before you get married. Don't make a massive deal of that part.

ABSOLUTELY THIS! The discussion about savings becomes a small part of a larger discussion, and quite normal and natural. And it will save a LOT of problems later, not just about the savings.

I would add "handling bank accounts" to that list. I've found that the best way to avoid issues is to have a household account, into which each person deposits funds for all basic living expenses (plus a contingency fund), and separate accounts which are used at the discretion of the holder..."Mad money," if you will.

I wish the people would spend one tenth of the time and energy planning their marriage that they do on planning their wedding. There would be far fewer divorces.

I am honestly shocked at some of these comments... why would you not tell her? If you are serious enough that you are engaged, then you are planning to share your life with her. In my mind, that means sharing major details of both of your situations.

Obviously you wouldn't necessarily discuss financial at the beginning of a relationship, but surely now would be the time to sit down and have a frank and open talk. If you are not happy with how it goes, better to find out now than after you are married.

You have told her you have savings so what's the problem, if she asks tell her if she dont dont. I would Pay off the mortgage and put a prenuptial on the house.

Pay off the mortgage, don't get married. Suggest she invests in a property of her own.

Even if you have a deed of trust and are tenants in common, it can be overturned after a few years.

Do you know how much your partner earns?

Is there a possibility you'll get a shock along the lines of the following when you broach the subject?

OP: Darling, I have something to tell you. I have £150k of filthy lucre festering in a bank account.
Partner: £150k, you say? That's chickenfeed. I have £500k in an offshore oil account.

My relatives all seem to think I'm as poor as a church mouse. I'm not.

WHY SHOULDNT SHE GET MARRIED?

Are we saying now that we can only marry people who are our financial equivalent?

Before we were married, my husband walked into our relationship earning more than me and with £50k to put a deposit down on our first home. I had nothing, just an admin job where I earned less than 20k a year.

Would your advice to him be not to marry me because I wasn’t his equal in terms of finances? If I’d had my own house, would you have told me not to marry him?

It’s honestly baffling to me.

@Boombadoom

WHY SHOULDNT SHE GET MARRIED?

Are we saying now that we can only marry people who are our financial equivalent?

Before we were married, my husband walked into our relationship earning more than me and with £50k to put a deposit down on our first home. I had nothing, just an admin job where I earned less than 20k a year.

Would your advice to him be not to marry me because I wasn’t his equal in terms of finances? If I’d had my own house, would you have told me not to marry him?

It’s honestly baffling to me.

Yes, my advice would have been to not get married, if there's a big financial disparity. Its exactly, why I am not marrying my dp.

However, that does mean because that's my advice, you need to feel bad or hurt or offended because that advice isn't what you did.

I would only marry dp, if we were going to have kids with a plan of him being a sahp. But then I would be looking at ways of being able to ring-fence my pre relationship assets.

Not sure why advising that marriage is a risk and not one some of us would be willing to take, is upsetting so many people.

Would your advice to him be not to marry me because I wasn’t his equal in terms of finances? If I’d had my own house, would you have told me not to marry him?

Yes

Traditional matchmaking and that done in many cultures and religions does try to match people not just with looks/height/education and income but also assets. It can be wise to pick someone similar to you if you get that choice. I ended up earning 10x my husband and we divorced after 19 years but never had different views on money during the marriage - we are both quite careful with money and not too interested in material things other than a nice house and school fees.

You should know that the minute you get married 50% of your assets ( including your house) effectively would go to your DP in the case of divorce. It is easy to see this as not being a problem at this stage but please remember 50% of marriages end in divorce.

This is a really tough problem for you to tackle though, but please don’t blindly go into the marriage - it is possible to ask her to sign a deed of trust / prenup to protect the assets that you bring into the marriage and then you would split everything you accumulate post marriage.
Please seek legal advice

Legal advice and think about wills

I would only marry dp, if we were going to have kids with a plan of him being a sahp. But then I would be looking at ways of being able to ring-fence my pre relationship assets

So you would want him to give up work to look after your children, while making sure that if you split he got nothing, purposefully making his life worse to make your own better?

Fuck, you're red flag city. He should run fast from you.

@Echobelly

Hmm, when I met DH I owned my home outright, which he knew early on, and I had a fair amount of savings from inheritence. But I have to say we've never really talked much about this. I've never had any idea how much he has in savings (I don't think it's a great deal).

I inherited a large sum a few years ago and I did tell him how much it was but I'm pretty sure he's forgotten by now.

I'm sure he hasn't 🙈