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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

150k in undisclosed savings

266 replies

NCsecret · 17/08/2021 19:35

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this.

We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic.

DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that.

However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions)

How do I start this convo?

OP posts:
Walkingthroughwords · 19/08/2021 17:00

I'm curious. I'm sure there's a reason connected to interest rates but why do you have the mortgage AND savings?
In Judaism there's a contract before marriage called a ketubah. It states what each person is bringing to the marriage. Topics like money and childrearing are covered on the first or second date. We all need to do this.
Draw up an agreement of some sort about what happens to money etc?
I was the one in my marriage who had money and I honestly rue the day I married him before I realised what he was like with money.

Walkingthroughwords · 19/08/2021 17:02

I'd be tempted to buy a house and rent it out. You can get a decent property here for that and rents here are very high. A 4 bed house costing 160 000 can be rented for 900 to 1000 a month. Plus you keep the house...just my take. My family all own properties.

Hertsgirl10 · 19/08/2021 17:42

[quote Hekatestorch]@Hertsgirl10 I have no clue what you are on.

I didn't @ you. I quoted a small amount of what you posted and responded to that. The responded to other within the larger post.

You then replied and I replied back.

I am not offended you don't like my opinion. That's the point.

I am not complaining that people are advising the op she should tell her partner and marry them. Everyone has different advice.

Why would I be offended that you think a relationship is only 'real and true' if it involves joining finances? As I said, that sounds quite mercenary, but its not offensive.

Why would I be offended that you decided anyone who thinks op shouldn't get married is 'mumsnet' And deciding mumsnet opinion? Again, it's am odd thing to say, not offensive.[/quote]
Did I say the only real and true relationships share finances? Stop wrongly quoting what I have said 😂

I haven’t said anything odd at all, the way you’ve replied is though.

31flavours · 19/08/2021 18:00

@TractorAndHeadphones

You happen to show internet comments to your other half so you can have a chuckle? Sounds like you’re capping’. Also sounds an incredibly dull marriage. If this poor soul exists, I’m also glad you go home to him than me. So I guess we’re both winning.

Tal45 · 19/08/2021 18:36

I haven't read the whole thread so might be repeating. Are you earning more from the savings then you are paying in interest on the mortgage? If not I would pay a chunk/all of the mortgage off - then just say you've got some savings and you thought you'd use it on the mortgage.

Ddot · 19/08/2021 19:58

We are here to help op and give advice can we please stop the nasty comments to other posters, its tedious

31flavours · 19/08/2021 20:38

@Ddot

The OP has all the advice they need. Protect themselves and know the character of the person they are marrying before revealing the true extent of their wealth. It’s simple. It’s 2021 marriages drop like flies with no real basis.

The nasty comments are warranted. Firstly because the other person is giving bad advice. Secondly because they are advocating materialism. Thirdly because they have inferred in to the state of another’s marriage based a single anecdote on a specific topic (money) when ironically they themselves are unmarried and not in a stable relationship (noting that they referred to their DH as a man they were dating… sounds super committed). Why shouldn’t that be called out. Especially when they hypocritically criticise others as being paragons of virtue when no such stance is taken.

Why take advice on how to navigate money matters with a spouse from someone so firmly camped in materialism and not even married. Needs to be called out.

Iamblossom · 19/08/2021 20:54

"So NCSecret's partner, what did you see in the considerably well off NCSecret?" Grin

Just say it in conversation, why should you feel embarrassed for being sensible with your money? They might be a bit taken aback and surprised, but should then be impressed and proud of you!

gunnersgold · 20/08/2021 08:07

Dp and dw is so different though isn't it because once you marry there is a legal entitlement .
Obviously you partner doesn't need to know what you have in savings .

Xenia · 20/08/2021 08:24

Yes, although even in marriage there was case called Imerman where the court said in terms of secrecy it depends on your relationshp - if you both keep things hidden, don't leave letters out, have secret accounts etc that is fine as it the opposite, during the marriage. If you are open (as we were - I did both our tax returns as he was happy I did, we both opened each other's post etc by consent) then you can each look during and at the divorce time. If you don't then you cannot snoop at the time of divorce either. Either set up is fine but it can h ave implications; although if there is a divorce then there is then a legal duty to disclose everything if it comes to a court hearing situation.

newnortherner111 · 20/08/2021 08:24

Not sure how to start the conversation, but I think you have to be open about this and not hide it.

Boombadoom · 20/08/2021 08:55

If a man came on here and said he had 150k in the bank and didn’t know how to tell his female fiancée, there is absolutely no way 50% of the responses would be to tell him not to marry his fiancée. NO WAY. There is disparity and it’s ludicrous.

Also, I’m sorry but 150k is fuck all really. If OP had millions I’d understand the concern a little more but you wouldn’t even buy a studio flat where I live for that. The histrionics (and complete ignorance of the requested advice) are unreasonable.

LastSummerHere · 20/08/2021 08:57

@Boombadoom

If a man came on here and said he had 150k in the bank and didn’t know how to tell his female fiancée, there is absolutely no way 50% of the responses would be to tell him not to marry his fiancée. NO WAY. There is disparity and it’s ludicrous.

Also, I’m sorry but 150k is fuck all really. If OP had millions I’d understand the concern a little more but you wouldn’t even buy a studio flat where I live for that. The histrionics (and complete ignorance of the requested advice) are unreasonable.

The power dynamics and disparity between men and women, and the future earning potential of each when children come along, means the two situations are simply not comparable.

Boombadoom · 20/08/2021 11:01

And yet the other side of the coin is that women should ‘just go and get a better job’ (another MN classic).

It’s absolutely nonsense. It is your choice to forego your career etc, and in the event you divorce, somehow you’re then entitled to whatever your husband had before you (here this mythical 150k) but not the other way around. This is part of the equality problem and I stand firm on that belief.

skippy67 · 20/08/2021 11:05

I don't understand your use of "expect". For all I know my partner of 30 years has got savings I know nothing about. I've never asked.

skippy67 · 20/08/2021 11:18

I should clarify, we've been together 30 years, married for 18. Just in case the "it's different when your married" lot pipe up again.

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